When We Were Young

CHAPTER FIVE: PRESENT DAY

"You're an idiot. Worse than an idiot, actually. You're outright reckless." Bianca had me seated at her kitchen table like one of her kids as soon as she saw me walking out of Beck's side door. She'd been waiting for me, naturally. She kept scolding me, just a second away from wagging her fingers and offering a timeout, "Do you know how much this is going to affect Novie when she finds out? Do you have any idea how irresponsible-"

"Bianca." I sighed and looked out the window. Beck was still by the side door, pretending to take out trash and occasionally glancing sympathetically my way. "I'm not the helpless pregnant teen you had to take care of anymore. I chaperone field trips and pack lunches. I have my own business. I can handle myself."

Her eyes bore through me. "You never really knew how to handle yourself around Beck, though, did you?"

"That's not fair," I cut back. I stood up, then, and crossed my arms over my chest. "And you have no right to question my parenting choices with Novie just because-"

"You're screwing the Dad she doesn't even know about? Jesus, Mari, don't act like you're some saint now. It took you a long time and a lot of heartbreak and a hell of a lot of support from me and Sienna and Mom to get through this. You're barely on your feet now. I just don't want to see you getting hurt again; you can't stop me from worrying."

"Sure, but I can absolutely stop you from interfering with my personal life."

"Not when your 'personal life' is thirty paces across the yard."

I inhaled sharply and let the breath out slowly. Then I did another few breaths just like my therapist had taught me after Novie's stint in the NICU had my anxiety higher than ever before. I glanced once more at Beck, who was still waiting to see if Bianca convinced me to tell him to go to hell. On the contrary, I told my sister, "Beck's a good guy. He works for the EPA and he has his life together. If he wants to be in Novie's life, I don't see that as a bad thing."

"You barely even know him; don't forget that. You had one summer fling half a decade ago and now you're a mother. You need to act like that first and foremost, not like the silly little eighteen-year-old who threw her life away for some boy."

"That's what you call my child? Throwing my life away?" It took everything in me not to spit on her and curse her name; the only thing holding me back was the knowledge of everything she'd done for me over the years. "Fuck you for saying that."

"You're right. I'm sorry." Bianca leaned back against the wall. We heard the baby stirring upstairs from our raised voices. Another sigh from each of us. "She's going to ask questions, and you aren't prepared to answer them."

"Yes, I am," I insisted. "She's my daughter and he's her father. I didn't think this was going to happen, but it's always been in the back of my mind as a possibility. I'm going to let her meet him without knowing. Just meet him as one of my friends at her party. And we'll go from there. We don't need to go into crisis mode just because Beck is back in town."

"Maybe not yet," she replied. "But how about when he heads back to the East Coast without her? Or when he tries to take you to court for partial custody and you lose because you lied to him her entire life?"

"Why do you have to be such a pessimist all the time? What if he decides to stay in town instead and-"

"And what? Sweeps you off your feet and gives you the life the two of you always dreamed about when you were basically kids? Don't delude yourself." She started to leave the room to tend to the baby but said, "He outgrew Southbridge. You didn't. Just...be careful."

I left so she could attend to everything, annoyed and hurt and frustrated, and walked back to my car. Beck didn't call out and I didn't, either. He always had a sense for when it was time to talk and when it was time to stay quiet and think. I drove to my shop in that same quiet. Even though it felt like hours had passed, it was still barely opening time -- ten on weekdays -- and I was only running a little late.

I left Bianca's house feeling the weight of her words pressing down on me, heavy and relentless. The drive back to the shop was a blur of emotions -- frustration, guilt, fear -- all swirling together in a chaotic mess. Beck stayed behind, wisely giving me the space I needed. When I arrived at the Just Apothecary, I took a moment in the car to collect myself, breathing in deeply as I tried to shake off the lingering tension. The familiar sight of the storefront, with its quaint sign and potted herbs lining the windowsill, brought a small sense of comfort. But as I stepped inside and the doorbell chimed softly behind me, I knew that nothing was as simple as it used to be.

For the first half of the week, everything was business as usual. I had calls with vendors, trying to balance the delicate art of negotiating prices while maintaining the relationships I'd spent years building. I worked to upsell customers on the latest goods -- a new line of handcrafted candles from a local artisan, some organic teas that had just arrived, and a fresh batch of homemade soaps that filled the shop with a bright herbaceous scent.

The routine felt comforting, almost like slipping into a well-worn sweater on a chilly day. I paid bills, a task I usually dreaded but today welcomed for the distraction it offered from the morning's confrontation. The shop's bell jingled occasionally as customers came and went, some stopping to chat, others content with a quick purchase.

Then, only an hour before I had to head out to pick Novie up from her after-school care, Beck showed up, his presence disrupting the careful equilibrium I'd managed to maintain. His shadow fell across the wooden floor as he hesitated in the doorway, his gaze sweeping over the shelves before landing on me. I could tell he'd debated coming here or not for a while, maybe since I'd left that morning.

Beck stepped fully into the shop, the bell above the door chiming again as it closed behind him. He looked around, taking in the rustic charm of the place -- the wooden shelves lined with jars of herbs, hand-labeled bottles, and woven baskets filled with trinkets. I'd carefully curated everything and loved to redesign everything for each new season that passed. I could see him absorbing it all, trying to connect this version of me with the girl he'd once known, the sweet California girl-next-door trying to figure herself out. I tried to reckon with him, too, with the same disheveled blond hair, now without its sun highlights, and the pale blue button down shirt I never would've pictured him wearing back when I knew him before. He looked, well, like an adult. He didn't seem like a wayward college kid doing work in his uncle's backyard anymore; he was a scientist and a professional coming back to tend to business and return home for his important work.

I worried, for the first time, that Bianca might've been right this morning.

"Nice place you've got here," Beck finally said, his voice soft but steady.

"Thanks," I replied, keeping my tone as neutral as possible. I busied myself with arranging a display of hand-dyed spools of yarn, though my hands trembled slightly. "What brings you by?"

He took a few steps closer, leaning casually against the counter, his eyes betraying the casual demeanor. "Saw you leaving the house earlier. Your sister didn't look too happy. I figured she gave you an earful about this morning."

I sighed, setting down the piece I'd been pretending to fuss over. "Bianca's just... worried, as always."

Beck nodded, his brow furrowed. "Can't say I blame her. It's not like I gave you much time to think."

"No, you didn't." I met his gaze, finding it harder than I expected to keep the resentment out of my voice even though everything was my fault, anyway. "But it's not like I haven't thought about this. About you. Novie. Everything."

He looked relieved at that, but there was still a tension in his shoulders. "I didn't come back to make things harder for you, Mari. I just...I need to know her. I've thought about her every second since I found out. I want to be part of her life -- however you'll let me."

The sincerity in his voice made my chest tighten. I'd always known this day might come -- emphasis on might -- but I hadn't anticipated how conflicted I'd feel. "And she deserves to know you too, but it's not that simple. She's used to things being a certain way, and I can't just drop this on her. Her parents are me and my sisters. She's never even asked about a dad; we're doing really well on our own."

"I get that," he said with another nod. I wished I could understand anything that was going on in his mind, but my life was so far removed from his that it was impossible. "But I'm here now. I want to do this right. On your terms. I'm not asking for everything all at once. Definitely not. Just a chance."

I studied his face, searching for any sign of hesitation or doubt, but there were none. He was serious, and that scared me more than anything. My heart raced at the thought of letting him in. If Bianca was right -- which she very often was -- this was going to hurt a lot more than it helped. And even if I managed to protect Novie, I was her mom first, and I always wanted to give her my best self. If this hurt me, it would hurt her.

"A chance," I repeated, more to myself than to him. "Well, we'll start with the party. But, Beck...no promises, okay? We take this one step at a time. I need to protect her. She's my whole world. Everything."

He reached out then, a tentative gesture, but stopped short before making contact. "I'd never want to do anything to hurt her, or you."

"Okay," I whispered, feeling both terrified and hopeful. "We'll see how it goes."

Then he said something I never, ever would've expected.

"And I'd like to take you on a date."

I scoffed. "Beck. This morning -- literally a few hours ago -- we agreed that this should just be casual. You don't know how long you're going to be here and-"

"Then we don't have to call it a date." He backtracked and gave me a smile. "We can call it a friendly evening between two people who should get to know each other better."

I rolled my eyes. "That's a sweet idea, but do you have any idea how annoying it is to find a last-minute babysitter? Sienna's pregnant and a huge pain in the ass and Bianca has three kids of her own now and I don't exactly have any coworkers or-"

He flashed me a mischievous, knowing smile so charming that he could be on a billboard selling anything and I'd buy it. "I've already taken care of it."

"I'm not leaving my daughter with some random teenager or stranger."

He gave me a little nudge. "Sienna's pregnancy hormones may have made her more sympathetic than you think; turns out her husband went to UMass, too, a couple years before me. Bianca may be a hardass, but Sienna is a romantic. She thinks it's all fate."

"You bothered my sister for this?"

"Eh, your other sister bothered you; I think that makes us all even before we have to be in the same room together for a while at Novie's birthday party."

One more eye roll from me before I let my heart flutter a tiny bit at his offer. "Fine. Where are we-"

"I'll pick you up right before sunset."

"You don't have my address."

"Sienna did, though."

"I'll have to talk to her about that."

"Sure you will." He leaned over the register counter and kissed me right there in the open. There weren't any customers in at the moment, but it still felt shockingly bold and intimate and forbidden for our lips to meet. "Wear hiking boots."

"Jesus, Beck, are you serious?"

"As a heart attack."

I let out a heavy sigh, but it wasn't weighed down with exhaustion or nerves. It was accepting and maybe (I barely admitted to myself) a little excited. "I'll see you then."

*****

The first knock on the door that evening was Sienna, her small baby bump coming through the door before she did, with a stupid smile on her face. "I can't believe Beck is in town again."

I chuckled as she closed the door behind herself and joined me in the kitchen, where I was finishing making dinner. Sienna had developed a sixth sense for home-cooked meals in her first trimester of pregnancy; I knew she'd show up in the middle of it no matter when I started cooking. Meanwhile, Novie was at the kitchen table with markers and a coloring book, quietly and neatly staying inside the lines.

Stirring in the last of the hidden vegetables that would get my five-year-old to actually eat some nutrients, I replied, "I can't believe you agreed to conspire with him."

In a voice hushed enough that Novie wouldn't be able to hear over the kids' channel music bubbling from the TV, Sienna told me, "Of course I did. He's the one for you, Mari, and we both know it."

I snorted. "Try telling Bianca that."

"I promise I'll rub it in her face for the rest of her life once the two of you are married with ten siblings for Novie and a big house on the ocean." Sienna grinned and grabbed some bowls from the counter, always making herself both useful and at home like all three of us sisters did in our respective places. "Trust me; it's all going to work out."

"Now there's a vote in each direction, at least.'

She nudged me with her elbow and cut me a sly smile. "Your vote breaks it."

"Yeah, whatever."

While Sienna served up enough for each of us, I cleared Novie's coloring after ooohing and aaaahing appropriately at her choice of colors. As she sat up on her cushion, needed to reach the top of the table, she gave me one of her sweet smiles. "Auntie SiSi told me you're going on a date tonight!"

I shot Sienna a quick mean look before returning to my daughter with soft eyes. "Did she now? And what did she say that means?"

She teased me while balancing a pink plastic fork in her hand. "That you've got a crush on a boy and he's gonna kiss you maybe."

Sienna smiled as she ate. "That's right, Novie, your mom's got a big crush."

"Be careful before I stick my fork in you," I replied, trying to keep my voice light even though I was genuinely annoyed with her. Then I said to Novie, "I'll tell you all about it for tomorrow night's story, okay? Sorry I'll miss storytime tonight."

She shrugged. "SiSi said it's good practice for when the baby comes."

"That's a very good point."

While we ate, I kept watching the sun beginning to set outside the window, knowing that Beck could show up any minute. I'd told him to stay outside until Novie left, though. I wasn't ready for that interaction just yet. Still, I felt like I did back when we were first together: New and young and fresh with butterflies in my stomach. When we'd finished eating, Sienna helped me pack Novie's bag and whisked her away after a million hugs and kisses. I tried to suppress the tug of guilt at sending her off another night, barely a week after the last time. At least when she was with Bianca I knew she had her cousins and she'd get a nutritious meal and be at school on time. Sienna may have been pregnant, but she was still liable to give Novie ice cream in the middle of the night and let her watch PG movies.

I took a minute to get ready. Even though he'd said hiking boots, which meant heading up into the woods, I wanted to be cute enough for him to look at me. So I wore something I hadn't worn in a very long time: Skin-tight black leggings, a matching black sports bra, and a sheer white tank top with the underarms cut out so you could see my curves ever so slightly when I moved. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail before giving myself a pep talk in the mirror.

When Beck knocked, though, every thought left my mind. I opened the door, and there he was, leaning casually against the frame, looking like he belonged in a travel magazine with his rugged hiking boots, fitted jeans, and a flannel shirt rolled up to his elbows.

His eyes swept over me, lingering just a moment longer than they should've before meeting mine. He asked, his voice warm and inviting, "Ready?"

"As I'll ever be," I replied, trying to ignore the knots in my stomach. I grabbed my backpack (I'd packed for an overnight stay; I had no idea what would be ahead) and slipped on my hiking boots, feeling both exhilarated and nervous about the rest of the night.

We walked out to his truck, the evening air crisp and cool with the promise of nightfall. Beck opened the passenger door for me, a small but sweet gesture that sent a wave of nostalgia through us both. I climbed in, and he closed the door behind me before circling around to the driver's side. As we pulled out of my driveway, I glanced back at the building and wondered just what I was getting myself into.

The drive up into the mountains was quiet at first, the kind of quiet that was filled with unspoken words and nerves and desire. The sun was sinking lower in the sky, casting a warm orange glow over the landscape. The road wound its way through dense forests of towering pines and oaks as we drove directly away from the shore of Southbridge and further inland, the trees casting long shadows that danced across the gravel road, then the dirt road, then the off-road. The tension between us was palpable, not uncomfortable, but heavy with the weight of everything that had been left unsaid over the years and over the past few days.

Beck broke the silence, his voice soft, almost as if he was talking to himself. "You remember coming up here that summer?"

"How could I forget?" I replied, a smile tugging at my lips as I recalled the stolen moments we'd shared in these very mountains. "That was one of the best summers of my life."

He smiled too, a genuine one that reached his eyes, crinkling them at the corners. "Mine too. Massachusetts and DC never, ever compared to the perfect blue skies and that warm ocean and...well, and you."

We exchanged a glance that made my heart skip a beat, and I quickly looked out the window, trying to steady my breathing. The scenery outside was breathtaking -- the mountains rising up around us, the sky a vibrant canvas of reds, pinks, and purples as the sun continued its descent. I'd assumed we'd be hiking during the sunset, not after it, but now I was more curious than ever as the darkness began to take over.

Eventually, the truck came to a stop at a small clearing. The trailhead was marked by a simple wooden sign, the path ahead winding up into the trees, the promise of adventure hidden in the shadows. Beck hopped out and came around to help me down, his hand resting on my waist as I jumped out of the cab. His touch sent a thrill through me and I had to remind myself to keep breathing when he didn't pull away.

"You ready for this?" he asked, his tone light but with an underlying seriousness that I couldn't quite place. "You're going to love it."

I nodded and stepped back, adjusting my backpack and taking a deep breath of the cool mountain air. "Lead the way."

We started up the trail, our footsteps crunching softly on the gravel and fallen leaves. The songs of the forest surrounded us -- the distant call of an owl, the rustling of small creatures in the underbrush, the gentle sigh of the wind through the trees. As we walked, we went between periods of long silence and easy conversation. There were simple memories hiking alongside us and subtle touches as we navigated the more challenging parts of the trail. Every time his hand brushed mine, or he placed his hand on my back to steady me, a spark of electricity passed between us, and I could feel the tension building.

The sun had almost completely set by the time we reached our apparent destination, the sky now a deep indigo with the first stars beginning to twinkle overhead. Beck paused and turned to me, his expression serious. His voice barely more than a whisper, he asked, "How much do you trust me?"