What We Do For Our Children Ch 02

For the first few weeks at home and in her counseling sessions, Sue continued to play the aggrieved wife to the hilt. It is what she had done all her life. It covered up so many things so well. The problem was that her individual therapist was not a push over. The song that Sue was singing started to get old very quickly. She was confronted on her behavior, her attitudes and the life she had forged. Sue started to see that she created an environment from hell. Her denial of her part of her marriage problems with Rich and her life was crumbling before her very eyes. After several weeks, Sue decided to quit. Things were getting to close for her.

She never had a chance. Both her parents let her have it in no uncertain terms. She was not going to weasel out of this and stay their child. She and Rich had made some minor progress in these couple of weeks. They told her she needed to continue, and to bring up with her therapist her whole decision and why. Sue never had before gotten such firmness, hard edge firmness from her parents before. It shocked and puzzled her. She was beginning to realize that it was never going to be the same with them again.

During this time, the women on the 'Not Welcome' list start to drop off from family and group activities. No reasons were ever given, or asked for. One day Sue found out that an anonymous letter came to the husband of one of those women. All hell broke loose when she and her lover were caught in bed. The video file he and his friends took of the exposed lovers was passed around. When Rich started to talk about it, Sue got real quiet. She was feeling like she dodged a bullet again, but the bullets were getting closer.

Sue started to share more of her hidden self with her therapist. She had less friends around to talk with, and with her mother around more, she felt a tighter leash. She was spending more time with her children and wondering about her husband. She and Rich continued to sleep in different rooms since it happened, even though he was invited back a multiple number of times. From having an adequate sex life with him to no sex life at all was hard for a twenty-something to endure. The uncertainty of her marriage, always being one step away from being found out made everything worse. All she had done in the past to prop herself up, to protect herself no longer worked. If she didn't have a therapist, she would have exploded from the pain, guilt, and the loneliness of being unfaithful. Living in dread of being found out was getting to her.

After Rich's 'confession', both of them were tested for STDs. They both reported that they were negative. Rich made sure that her mother accompanied Sue and the kids to the Doctor's office for an early checkup. It was a doctor that Grace knew for years. Quietly on the side, she discussed the issues with him and asked for his help. She requested that he test the children too, and report all the results back to her. The strength of their relationship allowed him to quietly do that. The fact that her husband was his lawyer did have something to do with it too. Professional services need to be discrete.

The children were clear, the daughter was not. That information was immediately shared with Carla. The next week, all the drivers at the company that Marco worked at were required to have a health screening. When a firm delivers medical supplies, worker health conditions are a point of contract law. Several individuals were sent to their doctors and a releases were required for them to return. Tony was among them. His wife and children were also tested after that, but they were clear.

Then another two of Sue's friends on the 'Not Welcome' list had letters sent to their husbands. The very public results were the same as happened to the first one. Sue was becoming more and more isolated in her feelings of doom.

Even with all of this happening around her, Sue was going to say nothing to anyone about her being unfaithful. She also realized that she was missing the company of a man. Her husband was still slept alone in another room.

As the weeks went on by, Sue was realizing that it was harder and harder to keep up the aggrieved act in the marriage sessions. No one was buying it. Individual therapy was giving her time and space for things that were inside of her, things that she had been running away from, running from her entire life. Without the distraction of looking for a lover to keep herself busy, she started to look at herself. Her girlfriends that were playing around were starting to drop out. One marriage was dissolved, and he got the kids. Another two were in deep trouble. Rumors of others in trouble were rife.

A hanging in the morning focuses your thoughts the night before. The only person she could talk about it was her therapist. Sue began to explore what could be done, but the therapist concentrated on the why. Sue did not know why at first. Going over the weeks of therapy sessions, she began to see her pattern. She did not like what she saw; a self-centered thrill seeker that demanded the world bow down to her. She saw that she shirked all responsibility for any of her actions.

Now her world was different. If she ever strayed again and was found out, her marriage and her mother hood would be over. She saw how she dumped on her parents, really abused them. She saw how she belittled her husband for working hard, and not serving her hand and foot. She even saw how her parenting was substandard. Boredom and self-centerness let her astray, and it was going to destroy her marriage and children too. She took nothing serious in life, just wanted more, more to be amused by. She actually admitted that she could never feel good about herself again.

Her martial sessions with Rich were changing too. At the beginning, she was on the attack, playing the wronged spouse. She started to see that she was the abusive one, abusive to her husband. In one session, Rich spoke about having worked overtime for two weeks to get the money needed for a trip that she wanted. Then he was vilified the entire trip because he had been away so long those previous two weeks. She still had a great time complaining, he just endured her.

It was coming to a head for her. In her own therapy sessions, she explored what she needed to do to become whole. Living a lie was wearing thin. She drifted away from her old girlfriends, that group was getting smaller from the divorces and the fear. She pulled herself toward the more upright ones, the ones that would still take her.

In her marriage sessions, she started to talk about reconciliation. All the excitement and 'anger' of his one night stand had dissipated. She was shocked when it was repeatedly rejected by Rich. He told her that there was more to go if there was going to be a real marriage. He was not willing return as husband and wife until everything was on the table and discussed.

Having her sign that contract was the best thing Rich ever did for himself and his kids. He had something over her and she would lose all she wanted. Not having to worry about her being unfaithful helped him to sort out his own feelings. He knew that there would have been no change if things were still the way they were.

Rich saw that Sue realized that her parents were different. They no longer let her have her way, they no longer let her be childish or be less than proper. They could no longer be depended on to be in her corner at best, or neutral at worst. Sue was now required by her parents to be a good mother and wife. Nothing less was tolerated. They had new expectations of her, higher standards. Responsible behavior was expected.

Rich had also been very busy during these months. He had been working in his individual therapy sessions about his marriage and himself. His children were the most important thing in the world to him, even more important than himself. Why should he be married to her? Could he trust her? Could he ever trust her? Why be with her at all? What about his children and their mother? What about their lives? What was best for them, then what was good for him.

Enlisting his parents-in-law was a stroke of luck. They could have easily turned him away. Her father was the one that suggested the contract. In fact, Pete was the one that wrote it. When he heard his granddaughter cry while his daughter was screwing her lover, his whole attitude toward his daughter crashed. He trusted his son-in-law much more than he ever could his own daughter. But he also felt responsible for his daughter being the way she was. The contract was a way to keep her in line, and his grandchildren close to him in case she strayed. Therapy was his last hope for his daughter to remain married and keep her children.

-

Carla had her hands full. Their three children were all at the stage of needing to have a large amount of parenting. Both parents also had to work to make ends meet. In providing for them and keeping the marriage alive, well, something slipped. When she found out that Tony had an STD, and Rich didn't, she was pissed.

She knew that this was not the first time her husband strayed. He had gone to a local whore house when she was recovering from one of her childbirths. Sue was unavailable for months on end due to some complications. She had been pissed at him for asking for relations at the time and just screamed go to a whore house to get fucked if that is all he cared for. He took her word for it and did it. That he actually did that was a shock to both of them.

It was a whore, not a lover she told herself. It really did not bother her, that much she rationalized. There was not love there, just protected sex. They reconciled, understanding what each had done to each other, and now, expected of each other.

This time there was nothing bad going on in their lives,. The sex was not protected, and he did not come back to speak with her about it. Now it was a slap in her face because she was available most of the time. She was tired and worn from the three children and working and taking care of the house. This was no excuse, this was life. She didn't know if he got the STD from Sue, or he gave it to her. If he gave it to Sue, that meant that he was really going outside of their marriage.

Carla shared this knowledge with her in-laws and asked what they thought. She had grown closer to her parents-in-law because of the problem they shared. They were her support, and she was theirs. The grandchildren were the glue.

Carla was going to have to talk with Tony about what he did, and spread. If she came in like gangbusters, he would bolt. Then he would get served in a day. The marriage would be as good as over.

From Rich, she started to hear about the bits of progress that he and Sue were initially making/not making in these short weeks after the affair ended. She invited Rich over to meet with her and her in-laws to talk about it. This was an area that these Italians had very little experience with. They just knew that counseling was a good thing to do. The Polish and the Italians were going to meet again, just not this time in a parking lot. Everyone was a peasant; there was a joining that made the discussions easy. After all, the issue was the same for everyone.

Rich spoke about what his experiences were like. The individual sessions were making him emotionally stronger. He was a better parent and was able to keep the kids out of the martial problems as much as possible. However, the martial sessions still had a way to go, but he had some hope. He said that his wife was slowly growing. He was lucky as that his in-laws were still monitoring their daughter. He also retained the contract that she would lose everything if she strayed. Marco nodded, for a similar reason.

Rich and Sue could still have a regular, non-nuclear divorce, and that kept him up at night sometimes. That remained an option if either decided that the marriage should not be saved or the pain was not worth it. Sue was not the same person she was when this happened, but the longer it dragged out, the more Rich worried that she would call it quits before he made his decision, one way or the other. It will be the kids that be hurt.

Marco asked if counseling would help Carla and Tony. Rich was not sure, but it wouldn't hurt. It would at least get things on the table. Living in limbo is not the way to go. It was rough on Rich not being able to talk about his wife's straying for these weeks, but sooner or later it was going to come out. He knew that it would be the same for Carla and Tony too.

Lydia asked for counseling referrals and Rich gave him the group where they were going. He explained the formats of individual and martial sessions. He added that he and Sue were thinking of going to group sessions to talk with others who were in the similar situations. The conversation ended after two hours and Rich left.

The three of them decided that it was time to start that process, mandatory counseling for both of them.

It actually was an easier sell then they all had expected. Tony was a bit paranoid about people looking at him and was staying home more. He had been playing with his children and being with his wife. Their sex life did not exist since his positive screening in the weeks before. He knew that he had no place to hide. His parents did not have to apply anything more than suggesting they both go. He jumped at it.

They elected martial sessions only at this time, and started the next week. The first session was a revelation to Tony. He didn't feel that he was being ganged up upon. He felt that he had a part in what was happening. He wife was a strong woman, and that was good and bad. Good in that she would say what was on her mind. It was bad that once she got started, it quickly escalated to the point of it was only her screaming. There was little or no half way point.

On Carla's side, she struggled with his withdrawal whenever there was conflict. She knew she was direct, but the more he clammed up, the more angry she became. It was a bad cycle. She adapted by not saying much, throwing herself into her family, giving him space, shutting up and shutting down. That bred more problems later. Whenever conflict would start, it was like a rocket for her.

The first thing they needed to discuss was his STD. Carla feared the worse, but they waded into it. He was honest about what happened. A couple of his friends from work were at a bar. It was getting late and there was a girl in the back giving blow jobs. He thought what could it hurt? He said that he didn't think about anyone else, just getting off. A couple of weeks later he found out it wasn't a girl, it was a tranny. All of those guys tested positive on the screening. He looked at Carla and said he told her right away that he tested positive. He saw that she and the kids were tested and they were negative. He said that he was embarrassed as hell, and scared too. It never occurred to him that he could pick something up. Something that would hurt his kids and wife. He told them that he would never be able to forgive himself if he damaged his family. Putting them at risk was one of the worst things he could do in life.

Tony had stumbled into his marriage, and later stumbled into children. It was not a goal in his life. Tony just went where life took him. Like his parents, he rarely ever said anything tender or warm or caring about his family. Life was about his duty to them. Tony felt that with that counselor present, he could say things and stand his ground. Someone would be there to help Carla stop from going nuclear. With the protection, he didn't have to live in his head when she erupted.

Carla was angry, very angry. But she didn't erupt and lay everything to waste. This session in which Tony could talk with her, calmly and rationally and with emotion, was a first for her. Right now, she was totally unaware of its significance.

Carla looked at Tony. She had never heard anything like this before from him. Who was this man and what did he do with my husband? He was not lying; he was remorseful over what he had done. She was in shock. She was still very upset that he had sex outside of marriage, and brought home a disease. It could have been aids. That would have unforgivable, but a bullet was dodged this time. Another time?

Their first session went well, and they both got homework to do. It amazed Carla that Tony was diligent about it. Part of her felt that he was guilty about having screwed that woman and brought home a disease. But she was starting to feel that there was more to it. She withheld judgment on it for a while.

By the time the third session started, Tony asked to be first. He started to talk about going outside of his marriage, how he met a woman and had sex with her several times. He spoke about what he was thinking, why he did it, how he felt afterwards, how he felt he was destroying his marriage and family. This went on for 20 non-stop minutes, 20 honest and heart rendering minutes. Then he requested that he sleep in the small room in the basement until Carla and he either reconcile, or she decides to end the marriage.

There was dead silence when he finished. He could not see anything; his head was in his hands. He was sobbing quietly.

All the anger that Carla had could not have prepared her for this. The counselor looked at them both and waited. She was going to let them play this out.

Carla stood up and walked to the door. She leaned against it and stared to sob. It took a few minutes for them both to regain their composure. Tony looked terrified, Carla looked stunned.

The counselor asked Carla how she felt. It took trying a few times until she was able to speak clearly. "What did I do to you that pushed you to do this? Did I make your life a hell that playing with danger was a way to live? Were the kids too much? What did I do?"

Tony answered "You married an immature young man that went with the flow. As I got myself into more and more trouble, I started to take a look at what I was doing. I realized that I started to hate myself. I was acting like my father did, and I hated that growing up."

"One day, our 6 year old daughter Shelia curled up on my lap. She doesn't do that very often. I was never allowed to do that growing up. I saw her eyes, she loves me. I saw my reflection in her dark brown eyes, I saw someone who does not deserve that love. That was when I realized who I was responsible for. I looked across the room and you were sitting there with the other two. I realized I was the same failure as my father was, and I was as bad as he was. And I hated what he did. No one deserves to grow up that way."

"I've spent the past several weeks looking at what I've done, and I was not proud of it. I think that my father may have had something on the side when I was young. It just never felt right then. I needed to stand up and be a man, a dad, a husband, not what my father was."

"Climbing out of the hole I dug myself into was overwhelming. When I realized who I was, I closed my affair. She closed it too. We both got religion. When I tested positive, I knew I could no longer hide. My only contact with that woman was to let her know I was positive. I needed to be responsible. When you and my parents suggested counseling, I was ecstatic."

"I've already cleared a space in the basement for me and set up a sleeping bag. We have to work things out before I come back upstairs to sleep. I am going to be a bigger part of raising the kids. More got dumped on you than should have. That has to have created more problems and resentments. Are you OK with this? Will you work with me on this, please? I hope that it is not too late. Please?"

All that Carla could think was has been happening in the past month. Tony started changing slightly before he bedded that woman. Especially after he broke it off that Monday. He has been home more. He's been helpful around the house. He has even been great with the kids. The TV has been off more that it has been on. He's been reading with the kids, taking them for baths, playing with them. She wouldn't let him do laundry, but he folds and puts away.