What Is Love Anyway 1

A thank you to Randi, who generously provided assistance, and her wonderful editing.

The question kept going round and round in my head. What was I going to do? How, or more importantly, why, had life got so difficult? You watch this stuff on TV, and laugh, say stuff like bullshit, that shit never happens, not in real life. It certainly wasn't happening to me. Oh hell no, not a bloody chance.

But here we were.

I had a fiance, we were planning to marry. As I pondered my actions. That now looked increasingly unlikely.

I did love Ben, he was a wonderful kind loving man. We seemed to be perfect for each other. He was tall, and handsome, those blonde curls made him look like he just walked off the cover of Surfer magazine. Not fair really, he couldn't surf to save himself, but he had the look, the cool casual look of an athlete.

We were perfect, and I did love him, didn't I? Then along came Adam. At first I didn't even like him, unkempt, scruffy, always unshaven. His clothes looked like they had never seen an iron. He made even fashionable clothes look untidy.

I did admire his work, he always seemed to be on top of everything, and he was never late. We got thrown together at work, and at first I was ropeable, I didn't want to work with him. My boss though, had other ideas. He thought we would make an ideal team. At first, we didn't get on, but then as the days slipped by, and he saved my arse a few times. My attitude softened, and I found myself liking him, just a little at first, then a little more each day.

My fiance, Ben was out of town for work, Adam and I ended up going out for dinner. That's when my opinions changed entirely. I met the real Adam, so open and warm. His untidy appearance seemed somehow unimportant. Inside, he truly was a lovely man.

That dinner date, led to several more, over the following days. We had so much fun, he was so different, and yet interesting. Those dates led to a kiss, a little cuddle as he drove me home because my car broke down.

Ben, was Ben. Ultra reliable, stable, easy going. Our engagement locked in. We had been living together, for nearly two years. The sex was wonderful, he was super fit, his body chiselled out of solid granite, muscles, on muscles.

The first night I slept with Adam, oh god, it was heaven, he was totally different to Ben. He was warm, open, passionate, demanding.

Why did I let it happen? I'm not sure really, but I did, and that left me in the terrible position of having cheated on my fiance. Of course I felt terrible, I had let a moment of madness dictate my life. It meant bringing into question everything. My feelings for Ben, being the most important.

Up until my indulgence with Adam, I thought I loved him, I thought, he was the one. I know, it sounds ridiculous, and I had previously laughed at friends who relayed to me how they had just met the man of their dreams. Ben had been like that for me, we got on well together, we slotted together seamlessly.

My previous relationships were born from convenience, not love. Ben however was different.

Left alone with my emotions, I knew I couldn't go on, not like that. I had to tell Ben the truth, let the cards fall. Adam and I had no future, I knew that. It had been a random impulsive decision made in a passionate rash moment of spontaneity.

I am not a young foolhardy teenager. I was thirty five years old, a survivor of a couple of failed relationships, that collapsed under the pressures of life, finances. Coupled with the realisation, we were not actually in love, just a comfortable convenience for each other. It wasn't terrible, I mean, too this day we remained friends.

I steeled myself for the painful confession. It would be easier to lie, but that wasn't who I was. I made a mistake, and now, I needed to come clean. I hoped upon hope that he would be understanding. The problem being, now I was confused about our relationship. I thought it was love, but couldn't imagine doing anything remotely as terrible, if it was indeed love.

I decided on a nice welcome home feast, at least it would be an easier conversation, on a full tummy.

The table was set, soft music on the stereo, candles glimmering in the subdued light. The atmosphere was perfect, the food was ready, now the only thing missing was Ben.

Nervousness started to set in, the longer I waited, the deeper the ugly tentacles reached inside and twisted my intestines. Relief flushed through me, when I heard his car edge into the driveway, and the garage door open.

I met him at the door with a kiss and a huge hug. "Wow, I need to go away more often." He chuckled lightly.

I gave him another kiss, before taking his bags. "Dinner, is ready, I want to hear all about your trip."

"Damn, it smells good." He sighed. "I was going to stop on the way home for takeaways, I'm glad I didn't."

"Silly, you should have called."

"Dead phone battery, and the charger was stowed in my bag." He smiled, his face taking on that wonderful happy expression. "You look beautiful, Lara."

Over dinner, we talked about his trip, and how successful it was. I brought him up to date on work, and the local gossip. A bottle of wine emptied easily, as we enjoyed a relaxing evening. I felt the tension building, and I almost chickened out. It would be so easy to say nothing, I had already decided that my dalliance with Adam was over. It was just a silly one time mistake. As I stared into Ben's eyes, I knew I would never be able to live with myself. Relationships rely on honesty, the ones that work anyway.

We finished the dessert, and I said softly. "Ben, I have something to tell you, a confession really."

He glanced at me quizzically across the top of his glass. "A confession, oh, oh. That sounds intriguing."

"Yes, I'm sorry to just dump this on you, but I have been going over this, trying to find a good way to say it, but. I think, like pulling off a band aid, I'm just going to rip it off."

"Bit melodramatic don't you think? Come on Lara, what could be so bad?" there was a faint hint of anxiety in his usually calm demeanour.

"Ben, I had sex with another man." I watched as his face paled, and his eyes bulged. "Still think I'm being melodramatic?" I whispered.

He put his glass down, and I could see how tightly he gripped it. "What do you mean you had sex with somebody else. When?"

"While you were away." I sighed, trying to remain calm. It was hard because my heart pounded so hard, he must have been able to hear it.

He leaned back in his chair, his eyes narrowing. "Who?"

"I, am not going to tell you. It is not somebody you know."

"Somebody you work with?" He replied, his tome becoming demanding.

"Ben, I said, I'm not going to say. I don't want there to be any trouble."

"What sort of trouble are you talking about? I want to know who it was."

"Sorry, but no. I am not revealing his name. I can tell you this, it was a one time silly thing. It meant nothing."

"Maybe not to you, but let me tell you. It bloody well means a lot to me."

"I'm not trivialising it, Ben. I was just trying to explain. It wasn't an affair. It just happened."

"Just happened, well that's just bloody charming. For the love of god, what happened? I thought everything was going so smoothly."

"It was a mistake. I don't want to talk about it. I said it wasn't important, it's over. I'm sorry it happened, but I can't change it. I can't take it back."

His face hardened, his eyes no more than thin slits, which glowed evilly. "Let me get this straight. You have sex with some random guy, it happened only the once, and it wasn't important. Oh and you're sorry. Is that everything?"

I nodded, cast my eyes down. The pain in his eyes stung. He looked devastated. "I am sorry Ben."

"Why did you tell me Lara? Why for gods sake?"

"Because I had to. I feel terrible about what happened. I couldn't just pretend it didn't happen."

"Fuck." He snarled, as he slammed his fist down on the table. "So what happens now Lara, what did you think was going to happen?"

"I don't know. I just wanted to be honest with you."

"Don't talk poppy cock. You must have had some ideas. Did you think I was just going to say. Oh dear, never mind?"

"Ben, I had no idea. I hope we can talk about it, try and move past it."

"That's nice. Okay, let's talk about it then. Who was it, where was it, how long has it been going on?"

Sighing deeply, I replied. "It happened once, it wasn't here, and I already said I will not reveal who it was."

"Why not? How in gods name are we going to talk about it. If you won't give me any details."

"I don't want to talk about, the details."

"Then what the fuck are we going to talk about? Was he good? Did you have multiple orgasms?"

I wiped away the start of a tear. "It was just sex, it wasn't anything special. It just happened."

"Why did it happen, can you at least tell me that?"

"I don't know why. We met, talked, had a few drinks. I let my guard down, and it happened."

"You've obviously known him for some time. I know you well enough to know you didn't jump into bed with a stranger. So why did it happen, do you love me Lara?" His eyes focused intently on mine.

I felt my vision blur as the tears welled up. "Yes, I lo..." I couldn't finish it. I wanted to say it, but the words wouldn't form."

"For Christ's sake, you can't even say it." He slammed his fist down again, sending everything on the table into the air. He stood quickly, and strode of towards the bedroom. I heard him, clattering and banging. Cupboards opening, then slamming. Drawers slamming.

I sat with my head in my hands, as I contemplated what transpired. He appeared, his face bright red, the anger, palpable. "I'm leaving. If you thought I would take this, then you're wrong. I don't know much, Lara, but it's obvious. You do not love me."

"Ben, you're over reacting. There's no need for you to leave."

"Over re..." His voice went up a notch, he wasn't screaming, but his voice was very harsh. "Fuck you Lara. Whatever we had, is over. I'll be back for the rest of my stuff, in the weekend."

He was gone, just like that. Three years, gone. Everything we had worked for, gone. At least we didn't have children. The house was rented. That part would be easy, we had separate bank accounts. Our own cars, it was the dreams. We planned to buy a house, make it a home. We talked about me giving up work, and focusing on the children. At least while they were young.

Now, it seemed it was all gone. I should have been sad, there should have been tears. I watched movies, that's what happened. He went away and got drunk, and I cried for a week.

The trouble is, I didn't feel that way. I was sad, and there was pain, but in some way, there was relief. Maybe I didn't love him?

A restless nights sleep followed, the morning dawned. The world didn't stop spinning, the sun still came up. It wasn't the end of the world. I went to work, confused. I thought I loved him, I know I was looking forward to the wedding. Nothing made sense.

Lunch time, brought Adam into my office. He looked pensive. "Hello Lara, You look lovely, as always."

"Thanks, Adam, sorry, I'm a bit busy today."

"Lara, I thought perhaps we should talk. You haven't been answering my calls. Is there a problem?"

"Adam, I need some space, okay. We did, well, at least. I did a silly thing. You're just following your male urges I suppose. So you can be excused. I on the other hand, am in a relationship. Not that I have been very fair to Ben."

"Don't beat yourself up. I should never have acted on my urges. Are you having an internal struggle with what we did?"

"No, not any longer. I told Ben last night."

He looked completely stunned. "Oh shit, really. Bugger, you're a devil for punishment. Why did you do that?"

"I had to. We were going to be married. I couldn't go into marriage with that hanging over my head."

"Very noble, but not very sensible What did he say?"

"Hah, what do you think? He said, and these are his words, not mine. Fuck you."

"Oh bloody hell, really. Damn, what a fool."

"I beg your pardon?" I blurted, in outrage.

"Sorry." He mused. "That probably sounds a bit callous, but if I was in his boots, I wouldn't be throwing away, how many years were you together, Three?"

"Yes, three years. That's what hurts the most. All our plans, we had everything mapped out."

"Then he's a bigger fool than I thought. Lara, you're a beautiful, intelligent woman. Any man would be privileged to call you his wife. I know I would. If he can't see his way clear to at least talk about it, see if you can sort it out. Then he is a bloody knob."

"Yes, well. Some people see extramarital sex as a bit of a problem."

"Oh come on, you weren't even married."

"We were engaged, Adam, that's just as bad." I snapped angry at his diffidence. "Another three months and we would have been on our honeymoon."

"Maybe he'll change his mind. Give him some time to think things through. He probably just vented. He might come around."

"I hope so, but I'm not holding my breath."

"Time, it heals a lot of wounds."

"Perhaps, but that one was pretty deep. Be honest Adam, what would you do if it was you in his boots?"

He shrugged. "I'd probably do exactly what he did, explode, call you names. Then, after I had calmed down, and the bruises to my ego lost some of their colour. I would have talked to you, and hopefully. We could figure it out together."

"You're joking right?"

"Nope, deadly serious. Why, what would you have done?"

"I don't know... Wait until he was asleep and cut his dick off. I don't know. I behaved badly Adam."

"Yeah, so did I. Lets go and get some lunch. Some fresh air won't do you any harm."

Adam, helped me get a grip. He was right, I needed to give Ben space, and time. Then just maybe, we could try to open some dialogue, and get things back onto level ground.

The days ticked by, the weekend rolled around. Saturday came and went, he did say he was coming to get his stuff. The fact he didn't gave me a little hope.

Sunday, and by lunch time, I started thinking, he's changed his mind, but about three in the afternoon. I heard his car, peeking out the window, I saw him unloading cardboard boxes from the boot of his car.

He walked in looking stressed, and tired. "Hi, Lara. I'm here to get my stuff."

With a defeated sigh, I mumbled. "So I see. I was hoping that you'd changed your mind."

He grimaced, leant back against the kitchen counter. "You know, I have given it a lot of thought. The truth is, I might have been able to forgive the cheating, but you couldn't even say you love me."

His burning stare, cut deep. I was about to speak when he said loudly. "Tell me now, Lara. You tell me that you love me, and we can talk about it. Just let me hear those words. C'mon, you've said them before. Many times in fact."

"Ben, I..." There it was again, the words, just wouldn't come out.

"Yeah, thought so." He muttered angrily. I don't know what happened with that guy, but it sure killed us Lara."

He snatched up his boxes, and started packing. Slowly bit surely, he trudged back and forth to his car. Then it was the personal items, his tools from the shed, his TV, a few art works. By five that night, all traces of him were gone. We never even spoke, he just trudged back and forth.

When he finished, he came back inside, standing by the door he said firmly. "I don't know what happened, Lara. I do wish you well, but I'd prefer if we didn't speak again. Have a good life."

"Ben, please. I'm sorry, I do have feelings for you. I never meant for this to happen."

He flipped me the finger, back over his shoulder. Slammed the car door and sped away.

I let the emptiness wash over me. A dark cloud descended, I tried to cry, but those tears wouldn't come.

Days sort of melted into the next. Adam was pleasant, but seemed distant, that was a good thing, because I might not have said it, but. I did hold him partially responsible. As foolish as that sounds, he did seduce me, he did know I was engaged.

My friends rallied around, we went out for drinks, but life was lonely. After living together for over a year, I had become accustomed to having him around. Cooking for two, rather than just for myself. Yes I regretted it, but the realisation set in. I wasn't as upset as I expected to be.

The difficult bit was working with Adam, we were awkward with each other, finding reasons to be elsewhere, rather than working at the same desk. My saviour was the end of the project. That put a stop to our working so close together. We were both assigned new projects, and I saw less of him. Life at work became easier. That changed at Caylin's birthday. We all went out for drinks at a pub just up the road from the office. The evening went great, the drinks flowed, we sang happy birthday. Some of us girls even danced together.

It was later in the evening, as the numbers dwindled. Tucked into a booth, I sipped my Margarita slowly. I was feeling the effects of one to many already. I felt movement beside me, and turned to see Adam, sliding in beside me. "Hey Lara."

"Adam, what are you doing here?"

"We need to talk. I hate this distance that's grown between us."

"Yes, it has been uncomfortable."

"Lara, I like you. I wanted to talk to you earlier, but couldn't find a way to open any dialogue."

"Then why now?"

He chuckled softly, and held up his Bourbon. "This sort of helps."

I laughed at his lame joke. "I seem to remember, that was what got me into this mess."

"No, it wasn't alcohol. You like me."

"Oh bloody hell, get over yourself." I spluttered in laughter. "Jesus, talk about a high opinion of yourself."

"I didn't mean it like that Lara, and you know it. What I was trying to say is. There's a connection between us. I feel it, and I think you do as well. That's why it's been awkward. If we didn't have that connection, we wouldn't feel it."

"Yes, you might be right. Why didn't you talk to me?"

"I wanted to give you space. If there was a chance for you and Ben to reconcile, I didn't want to get in the way."

"Very gallant." I murmured."

"Not really, I needed some time to figure out what to say."

"It took you three months to come up with this?"

"Yeah, pretty awful huh?"

"Oh yeah, weak as."

"Sorry, look Lara, I really like you. If Ben is out of your life, then I want in."

"What do you mean in?" I gasped, slinging back the last of my margarita, and running my tongue around the edge of the glass.

"I want what Ben, had. I want you. I want to go to sleep at night with you in my arms. I want to wake in the morning, and be able to stare into your eyes, hear you say good morning."

"Wow, holy shit. Slow down damn. Bugger me, you're moving fast."

"No, not at all. I wanted to say this that first time. It was mixed up, because of Ben. I didn't know what you were feeling. Now I'm sure, you feel the same way I do."

"Sheesh, you're pretty sure of yourself."

"Tell me, you don't feel the same way. If you do, I'll slide out of this booth, and I'll be gone."

There I was again, words forming in my brain, my mouth unable to release them. After a brief pause. "Adam, this is a bit of a shock, I think you're just feeling horny."

"No, you have got me wrong, Lara. I've never lied to you. Always told you the truth."

"How do I know that, you could be lying right now, maybe, you're just a really good liar."

"You know me better than that."

"Yes, that's true." I sighed. "But this is a bit much."

"What do we have to lose? Is your relationship with Ben finished?"

"Yes, I think it is."

"Then what do we have to lose. I'm horny, you're horny. We could just go back to my place, and make sweet love."

"Who said I was horny?" I gasped.

"I did." He stated assuredly. "The last time you made love to anybody was me. I know how horny that makes me, I have a sneaky feeling. You feel the same way."