As they talked about this subject, the tears began to slip from her eyes. She covered her mouth to smother the sounds. She could not help it, the last thing that she every wanted was for her children to come between her and his relationship. She knew how bad that thought was; but it happens almost every time. A man will enter her life; he is great with them at first. Then one day he realizes that he is tired of dealing with them. That he had gotten in over his head. That's when she finds herself alone.
She couldn't bring herself to discuss it. She just sat there listening as he talked. She was so confused. There was part of her that was clinging to the fact that he had admitted to his girlfriend that he was seeing her. She told herself that if he didn't have feelings for her he wouldn't have said anything. But then there was another part of her that was screaming inside. This part kept reminding her of the kids. Not just hers but his as well.
What if her kids corrupted his kids? If this happen she would never forgive herself. The reality is; she would hate herself. She never said she was a perfect parent, she knew she had made mistakes along the way. But, she had always done the best she could. Now she wondered if it would cost her the one thing she wanted most of all; the happiness that she shared with a man that was stealing her heart.
As she hung up the phone that evening, she sat at her computer. She tried to write him a letter but the words wouldn't come. Finally around five she managed to say what she was feeling.
In her letter she told him, She guessed now would be an appropriate time to go into certain topics since he had broke the ice for them.
She admitted, she should have talked a little more but insisted that she had been more interested in what he had to say because it gave her a clue about where we stood, how he felt, and what direction their relationship may be headed.
Basically, without asking, he had given the answers to several of the questions that had been secretly drifting through her mind. It was in her best interest to listen rather than talk.
She told him, When she looks at him, she sees a man full of inspiration. Not only is he gorgeous but also holds a variety of other qualities that she finds extremely attractive. He has a positive self-concept, and he seems to handle stress with ease. He's not only intelligent on an informational level; he's also intelligent on an emotional one as well. His level of intelligence and wide range of knowledge feeds her intellectual being.
He has the ability to communicate his feelings, desires and needs. He is capable of balancing the roll of dominant while encouraging equally. He's spontaneous and fairly open to new experiences.
Last but not least, sexually he is spontaneous, adventurous, open-minded and talented. Given the fact that these are all traits that are important to her, she thinks he is closer to perfect than she could have ever imagined; Thus creating internal conflict.
She explained that she had emerged from a severely dysfunctional family and now days as an educated woman, she knows that her life style is far from traditional. She told him she had been forced to raise the kids alone with very little support from the male figures in their lives. She talked about what he had said about their parenting styles being extremely different. She told him that, when she allows herself to imagine sharing a household with him, she has always smiled, but now she finds herself thinking about that one detail...
The parenting style issue makes her worry that every emotion she has for him is now a lost cause. She is more than willing to compromise on several of the issues but also fears that there are things that they will not be able to create common ground with. If this happens, she worries about what will become of them... Will she lose him?
Thoughts like these really scare her. She doesn't expect him to compromise his own values, nor would she expect him to turn a blind eye when he disagrees with something that is going on. However, she is a firm believer in open communication, even with children.
She knows that her teenage daughter will be the hardest of all. She has lived a very mature life and has grown accustom to certain things. She knows the laws, and is more than willing to run away; after all it's not illegal where they live. She also knows that most men that said they could deal with it abandoned ship when they couldn't. By telling him this, she isn't trying to create a guilt trip; she is trying to be honest.
She writes about the girlfriend knowing about them... and how that scares her. She knows that since it created an argument that she is not taking it well. This scares her. She can't help but think about how long they've been together. She knows that sometimes a current relationship feels safer than a new one. This also means that she has to realize that there is a chance that he will chose her no matter what she does. It's a hard, cold reality that she would assume not think about.
After discussing those issues she tells him honestly that there is a part of her that fears rejection and abandonment, and this part of her is screaming to stop now before she gets hurt. It tells her that he would never be content with her and that her children would come between them. Then there is another part of her that is already too attached to turn away. This part argues that all it would take is for them to communicate and be willing to work through the issues at hand.
She wonders what she should do. She loves their time together. She wants to continue to get to know him better. Even though she hasn't allowed herself to say it she knows she is well on her way to falling in love with him; if she isn't already there. That night she learned he shares her thoughts about a possible future. For her this was a good thing even though it also created fear and confusion.
All she could do now is allow nature to run its course. Let what ever happens happen. As she closed her letter she asked him for a few things. She asked him to be honest with her and not allow her to believe that there is a chance if there isn't. She asked him not to procrastinate telling her if he changes his mind. She asked him never to abandon her and the situation without telling her why. This was important that he understood because for her that would be the worst thing he could ever do.
She closed her eyes, pressed the send button, and hoped for the best. As she laid down that evening, her mind wandered, and she thought about everything that had happen. What was she going to do?
