Triple Play- Baseball to Santa to Smiles... by Strappy Sandals
This is a
Winter Holiday 2023
contest submission, so if you like it, please vote!! And, as always, all characters engaging in sexual activities are over the age of 18. I enjoyed writing this story, and truly hope you enjoy reading it. Merry Christmas to all!!
Jimmy, it breaks my heart to tell you this, but I can't offer you anything good right now," said Harry Witkowski, GM of the Philadelphia Phillies. "I've got Hector Gonzalez, who had a breakout year in Reading ready to play second base. And I've got Willie Clendenon, and Tommy O'Malley with the Iron Pigs ready to come up as well. If things break the way I think they will, my roster is already over-booked for next year," he continued. "Jimmy, you're a good player, and a great luxury on a winning team, but right now, I'm not sure the Phillies are that team," Witkowski said, trying to justify the bad news. "And I'm only telling you this because you're a great guy. You were a big part of our team last year. We hung till the very end, mostly because you filled every hole in the lineup. You kept us afloat; I get it!" the GM sympathized. "I want you back; I swear I do, Jimmy. But I got to see how the shit shakes-out before I can offer you anything. I just can't do it right now," he redundantly stated, trying to justify his position.
Jimmy Skizinski, or "Jimmy 2-Ski", as he was also affectionately known, was a thirty-year old professional baseball player for the Philadelphia Phillies. The season before last, he was a Cardinal for one season. Before that, a Miami Marlin for one season, before that an Oakland A, prior to that a Texas Ranger, and his rookie year was spent with the Milwaukee Brewers. Six years in the big leagues, on six, mother-fucking-one-year contracts, with six different clubs. Every fucking-year, a one-year contract. That is incredibly hard to do in major league baseball.
2-Ski's career slash-line was .269 / .338 / .455, (batting average / on-base percentage / slugging percentage) which is MLB, "pretty-fucking-good". Scott Rolen just got into the Hall of Fame this year, and his slash line (.283 / .377 / .469.) is only marginally better than Jimmy's. 2-Ski is a good left-handed hitter, capable at multiple defensive positions, a great team-mate, and up to this point, always healthy and available. But GMs always seem to focus on the half of the glass that's empty. Jimmy makes great contact, but he doesn't walk much, thus lowering his on-base percentage. His power is consistent, but unspectacular, in what is now a power game. Plus, he's now out of his 20's, and "jack of all trades" good, but not a super-star at anything. On every team he has ever played, he's found himself in the "odd-man-out" position. Either he was a kid, and the team wanted experience, or the team was going with a youth movement, and he was too old. Or they had a phenom coming up to play his position, or they needed to carry another pitcher, or a DH, or a right-handed bat, or some fucking-kid that sucked but the GM drafted him. Every year, it seemed the same fucking-story; No matter his production or presence, Jimmy 2-Ski was a luxury that a team couldn't afford, until all their other options went to hell.
"Harry, I had a fucking-career-year here," Jimmy countered. "In 302 at-bats I slashed .278/ .375 / .465, with 51 RBIs, and 16 fucking-dingers. Extrapolate that out to 600 AB's, and we're talking 32 home runs and 102 RBI's. Those numbers would have led the club, Harry, and been top 10- in the league," Jimmy argued. "I don't understand how you could NOT offer me a multi-year deal," he added. "I'm not giving myself away for free," Jimmy continued, "but I will give you a 'home team discount. I want to play for the Phillies, but I want a three-year deal; minimum. I love this fucking-town! I love playing at C.B.P., and I love playing for the Phillies, but I need a deal that represents my value Harry," Jimmy continued with increased volume. "I started 6- games in left, 12- in right, 12- in center, 13- at second base, 14- at third, 6- at short. Fuck, I even caught in 2- games, Harry. No way Gonzalez, Clendenon, and O'Malley combined will give you that flexibility or production. I don't care how fucking-good they are," Jimmy added to close his argument.
"Jimmy, I know all that," the GM conceded. "But I need time to see how things shake-out. Why don't you go home and enjoy Christmas, then call me after the holidays. At that point, I'll know better how the market has moved, and what I can do," the GM offered the dissatisfied player.
It was at that moment of defeat for Jimmy, that Mr. Witkowski's assistant knocked on the door to interrupt the negotiation. "Mr. Witkowski sir; Oh, 2-Ski, I am so sorry for interrupting, but we have a huge problem, sir," she announced to her boss. "We have the Cleft Lip and Palate Christmas party scheduled for 3pm tomorrow, and Fig was supposed to play Santa for the children," the assistant went on. "And he's ah," she began mumbling.
"Sara, what's the damn problem?" the GM asked, somewhat perturbed.
"Fig says he won't do it, Mr Witkowski. He says his agent has booked him for a paid appearance at Delilah's Lair, and, according to him, 'he can't be doing no fucking-charity work', when a paid appearance is an option."
"He's blowing off sick children to appear at a fucking-strip club?" Witkowski questioned incredulously. "What the fuck is the world coming to?" he asked, mostly to himself.
Fig was the nickname for the Phillies perennial, all-star first baseman, Newton Figarelli. Rarely did anyone ever call him by his given name. Most everyone knew him as either Fig, or Fig Newton. He was a big, gregarious, high maintenance, highly paid, self-centered sort of player, and personality. He was the Phillies' biggest star, and the center of their marketing campaign. A fact in which he took generous advantage.
"Can't you call some sort of Santa hotline to get a replacement?" the frustrated GM asked. "What do the department stores do when Santa gets sick?"
"Sir, the event was marketed as 'Fig Newtons with Santa'. If we try to make a second-rate substitution, sir, there will be an awful lot of disappointed children, as well as parents, and ticket holders. We could certainly explain his absence due to sickness, but we'd need a suitable replacement. Is there any way we could get another player to become Santa for the afternoon?" the assistant asked.
"Sara, all the players have scattered, and gone home," the GM responded. Nobody is magically going to fly in with reindeer to play Santa Clause," he added. "You call the Santa hotline, or whatever replacement options you might have, and I'll call Fig's agent to see if I can get him to delay the stripper meeting till later in the evening," Witkowski offered, showing at least some sympathy for the young assistant's problem.
"OK, thank you, Mr. Witkowski," Sara responded, hoping for a miracle somehow.
Alas, the miracle did not occur. Harry Witkowski did call Figarelli's agent, and he was basically told to "fuck-off". Essentially, Fig liked strippers a lot more than challenged children, and he was not going to change his mind for Harry Witkowski.
Jimmy 2-Ski watched the Fig Newton drama unfold, while simultaneously scheming to make his final pitch to the GM before departing for his own winter break. As Witkowski hung up the phone with Figarelli's agent, Jimmy saw Witkowski's eyes light up and grow, sort of like the Grinch after finding the true meaning of Christmas.
"2-Ski, I know your contract has expired, and I know you're technically no longer a Phillies player, but I'm going to ask a big favor of you Jimmy; can you play Santa Clause for us tomorrow?" the GM asked. "You're still living in town, aren't you?" Witkowski added to pressure Jimmy.
"Oh, what the fuck, Harry?" Jimmy 2-Ski bellowed. "Fig's fucking- six foot five, 265. I can't pass for Fig." Jimmy protested. "And you ain't got no room for me, remember?" he added for emphasis.
But the GM totally ignored Jimmy's refusal. "Sara, can you come back in here for a moment", the GM requested via the telephone speaker. Then, turning to 2-Ski added, "we can fluff you up with a couple pillows, Jimmy. Don't you worry about the details, Sara will handle that shit," he added, to help Jimmy swallow the bitter chaw.