Falling

I heard the door open behind me, "Hey hone—"

Milo looked up. "Hey. How was your nap?"

A pause, "Fine...what are you two doing?"

I looked at Milo's penis, still wet and hanging out of his jeans.

Milo walked toward the door. "I was just letting her watch."

"I see," Julia said.

I stood up and finished putting my things together. "I really should go," I said looking at the pair of them.

"If you must," Milo said.

I gave Julia a sweet kiss on the cheek and headed toward the front door. Milo walked me out and as I turned to say goodbye, he kissed me tight on the mouth. "Drive safely," he said.

I smiled at him and went home.

I kept replaying the scene in my mind, wondering if I had done something wrong. Had I broken their rules? Did I care if I had? I wasn't sure what I would have done if Julia hadn't walked in. I knew what I wanted to do.

I walked by the pool on the way to my apartment and someone was coming out of the gate, a young man. As I passed him, he said something. I turned to look and he was stopped next me, towel ends gathered in his hand, covering his hips and thighs.

"Did I?" he started again, "Did you help me the other day?"

I had to take off my sunglasses, but as soon as I did, I realized he was the drunk guy from the other week.

"Michigan, right?" I said.

He laughed, "That's me. You're Iowa?"

I smiled at him.

"Hey I am so sorry, that was totally embarrassing. But thanks for helping me out."

"Sure," I said.

"I'd only been in town a few weeks, went a little overboard when I went out for the first time with someone from work, and then lost my keys."

"Did you find it?"

"It was actually in my apartment, right there on my table."

I shook my head at him.

"I'm Ben, by the way," he reached out his hand to me.

It was damp still, from the pool, but warm. "Allie," I said.

"Nice to officially meet you, Allie."

"Likewise."

"Look, I still feel terrible. Can I take you out for lunch sometime?"

"That's okay," I said.

"No please. Plus I don't know very many people. We're neighbors, right? Could be fun," he was squinting into the sunlight, hand draped over his forehead to shade his face. I noticed then the way his raised arm pulled on his torso, defining his chest and abs. He was fit, like a runner or a swimmer. He was a bit pale, but for a moment I allowed myself to imagine how he would tan in the California sun.

"Um sure," I said. He did seem nice and I did need more friends in town. It would be nice to have a Midwest friend in my complex. We made plans for later that week.

**

I was with Emma in the breakroom the following Tuesday at lunch. I was going to keep my rendezvouses a secret, but I didn't want to anymore. Something felt off.

"I had a threesome the other week," I blurted.

"Holy cow!" She nearly dropped her yogurt spoon.

"I guess, twice actually."

"Oh my God, Allie, when did this happen?"

"The last two weekends. It kind of happened out of nowhere."

"You should never keep these secrets from me!"

I laughed, "Okay."

"So tell me everything! Who are they?"

"I don't think I should say. They are kind of pillars of the community and all that."

"For shame!" she cackled, throwing her head back. "You have to tell me who."

"I can't. They're very private."

"Do I know them already?"

"I don't think so. They know a lot of people, but they're not super well-known."

"Well, what can you tell me? Stop torturing me!"

"Okay, okay. He works in real estate and she's a ballerina."

"A ballerina? Are you fucking kidding me right now?" her jaw hung open.

"I know. I never thought I'd ever say that before."

"Did you like it?"

"I loved it. They were older than me, so much more experienced and..." I remembered the way they hovered over me with the vibrator, making me scream, "Adventurous. It kind of makes me feel tiny and innocent, but in a good way. Does that make sense?"

"You're not a virgin, are you?"

"No," I said. "Not for a while. It was just like I was their little play thing almost." I was blushing surely.

"Oh my God, you are totally a submissive."

"But that seems bad, right? I like think of myself as this confident, independent woman, you know? Isn't it wrong to want to be submissive and obedient? Is there something wrong with me?"

She sighed. "I see what you mean." She rested her chin against her hand and thought for a while. "No, it's not wrong, because you can't excuse your sexual preferences. They're yours and you should own them. You like being submissive and that's totally cool because you're choosing that." She shrugged and pierced her lips. "Plus, as long you are being treated with respect, and it makes you feel good, then who cares?"

I sighed.

"I mean, they were nice to you, right?"

"Yes," I sighed again, my memory back in the shower, Milo kissing me under the water.

"You loved it," she laughed. "Are you going to see them again?"

"I'm not sure."

"Why?"

I wanted to talk about that scene in the bedroom, Julia walking in on us, but I wasn't sure how to explain it.

"You know you can tell me anything," Emma said.

Emma was my only real friend out here, I realized. Milo and Julia were my friends, too, but it wasn't like I could go to them to vent about my coworkers. I rolled my eyes, "So they have these rules.." I started and I told her everything. The text messages, the stares, the way he made me watch him alone in the bedroom.

"That is so hot," she said.

"But then his wife wakes up and walks in on us and we hadn't done anything, but you could tell it felt weird."

"Like you had done something wrong?"

"Exactly."

"Well, had you?"

I shook my head, "I'm not sure anymore."

My phone buzzed.

"Oh my God, is that him?" Emma cooed.

I glanced down.

M: Can I take you out to lunch?

I smiled, "Maybe."

"What did he say?"

"Don't worry about it," I started packing up my things.

"You're no fun," she said and I smiled at her as I walked back toward my desk.

A: What's the occasion?

M: I have to see you.

I wanted him, but I had to be cautious now. I was afraid of spoiling everything.

A: I thought that was a rule? No one-on-ones.

M: It doesn't have to be a date.

A: Milo..

M: Say yes.

M: It's a work lunch. Bring some of your writing.

I felt a strange sensation in my chest, almost a bit painful, pressure on my ribs.

I think I missed him, like really missed him. Like think about him every day and force myself not to text him every time something reminds me of him. It didn't have to be a date. We didn't have to touch or kiss. We could do that, right?

We met at a café on State Street for a long lunch. He beat me there, beaming at me when I walked inside the chilled, brick building.

"So good to see you, Allie," he said, catching me in a bear hug that may have lasted just a moment too long, but I didn't want it to end.

"I missed you," I said.

He looked down at me, smoothing my hair back from one temple. "I missed you too, Allie. Come sit down. I see you brought something to work on?"

"Yes, a few upcoming projects."

"Good. Stay for a while."

I did. We ate and chatted for a bit about work and about Julia. I couldn't hold out any longer.

"That got a little intense last weekend," I started.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I'm not sure Julia was too pleased at seeing us alone together like that."

"We weren't alone. She was there with us."

"Asleep."

He sipped his coffee. "Did you like it?" he asked.

"What part?"

"Anything. Everything."

I bit on my lip. I did love every moment, almost too much.

He smiled in my silence, "You like to be submissive. I knew you would."

"Shh," I said, looking around at the nearby tables, but no one was paying us any mind. So I turned back to him and nodded, cheeks blushing like a little girl caught stealing candy.

He would not stop smiling at me.

"Why do you think you know me so well?" I asked.

He sighed, "I know you all so well, from the moment I see you. For you, it was easy, watching Julia and our friend from a crack in the door, lurking in a dark hallway. I knew exactly who you were. I knew I had to try you."

I was almost too shy to look at him.

"And that look," he leaned forward, brushing a finger along the back of my hand. "You look so innocent, so beautiful. You have no idea how incredibly sexy that is."

"My inexperience is sexy?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because every sensation is brand new for you, and I get to watch them play out across your face." He covered his hand in mind and started to stroke his fingertips along my palm.

I swallowed, squirming at bit in my seat. He was making my face warm, and other parts of me warm.

"Even now," he did not smile now. "You're so pliable under my hands."

My heartbeat was slow, but hard in my chest, trying to escape the public torture. "Tell me more about you," I managed. "I feel I hardly know you."

"You know me very well already," he looked down at our hands then back up to me.

"I mean, you know what I mean."

"Like my childhood and hobbies and stuff?"

I nodded.

"It's boring."

I dug my nails into his wrist and smiled at him, "Tell me."

He fained pain, "Alright, alright, you win. It's really not all that exciting. My family is from Ventura. I grew up surfing and learning my father's business. He was also in real estate. I bought my first home when I was nineteen, a sophomore at Cal Poly—that was probably my first love—that house. It was a little coastal cottage, not far from campus."

"Do you still have her?"

He shook his head, "No, I traded up early on. She wasn't a particularly good investment."

"How did you and Julia meet?"

He started laughing then, "Actually at the open house. She was interested in buying it, starter home for her and her husband at the time. I still flirted with her relentlessly. She was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Still is."

My gaze lowered. She was beautiful, I could not dispute that. "What happened to the husband?"

"They were so young when they married. Turns out he couldn't really handle the monogamous life, he had been seeing his high school girlfriend on and off since before they started dating. When she found out, they got divorced. She decided she didn't believe in monogamy anymore and started over again. She asked me out and it was almost too perfect.

"I also wasn't too keen on the monogamy concept, but I didn't think that was an option until I met her. On our very first date, she told me she didn't believe that humans are designed to be faithful. She said she had been tempted by other men, and women, several times during her marriage, but she always went home to her husband. So if she had been tempted and he had been tempted, then what was so wrong with it? What she didn't like was the dishonesty.

"So she said, she just wanted to start casual, see how it went. She wanted to try something besides monogamy for a little while. And I thought, my God, I've met the woman of my dreams. Of course I was never going to let her go. In two years we were married. I've never looked back."

For someone who was so devoted, so in love, it felt strange that here we were, blowing off work to see each other and I was pretty confident Julia did not know about it.

"Hey Milo...have you, um," I couldn't believe I was going to ask him this, but I had to know. "Have you ever cheated on Julia?"

He sighed, setting down his mug as he shook his head. He looked me straight on, "No, of course not, Allie. I love her."

"I'm sorry. I've been confused lately. It feels like we've been bending the rules a bit lately."

"Julia and I are a team, but I'm my own person."

"I don't want anyone to get hurt."

"Look, I'm not trying to deceive Julia at all. Last week was just about me and what I wanted and I wanted you. I know I can be a little sexually deviant and she knows that, too. He sighed again, "I think maybe I have become too comfortable around you and I treat you more like my wife than my..."

"Play thing?" I smiled.

He laughed a little, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, his fingertips lingering on my neck. "Yes, if that's okay with you."

I nodded.

He continued, "Julia and I have been married a while. We both know I have a higher sex drive than her and sometimes it can cause tension, even though we weren't monogomous. We used to do more one-on-one things with other partners. Julia would sometimes see other women to explore her bisexual side and I would see other women to give her a break. But last year there was this young woman I was seeing, a UC Santa Barbara grad student. We had been seeing each other for a while, maybe six months and then she asked me to leave my wife. I obviously wasn't going to do that and told her so. She started to get jealous and said some nasty things to Julia and myself. I had to break it off. It was very messy. After that, Julia said we couldn't do one-on-one anymore. She said she couldn't handle something like that again. So it's been triads ever since. I'm compromising, because I love my wife and I would never do anything to hurt her."

My teeth felt funny on the tip of my tongue. "I'm sorry that happened," I said.

"It's alright. But we're not fucking. We're just two people having lunch together."

We were tucked in the back of the café. It was starting to clear out toward the end of the lunch hour by the time we started working. We sat opposite, our laptops nearly kissing. We were working for a while, making small talk, exchanging ideas, then back to writing. I had recently started a pet project, a romance inspired by our time together.

I hadn't even noticed I giggled until he asked, "What's so funny?"

I looked up, my cheeks growing warm. "Nothing," I smiled.

"What are you working on?"

"Nothing."

He thought a moment. "Is it inappropriate?"

"Why would you say that? Of course not."

He looked down, but I could tell he was smirking.

"It's not," I insisted.

"Prove it."

"No."

"Then it's definitely inappropriate."

"It's none of your business."

He stared me down, trying to read me. I had no idea if it was working. He started tapping his index finger against the table.

"Stop it," I whined.

"Why won't you admit it?" he asked, suddenly breathless. As if I he had caught me lying to him. As if I had betrayed him.

"Why do you keep asking?"

"Because I want to know."

"Why?"

"Just tell me."

My pulse started pounding. I looked around to see if we had attracted any attention, but not much. We were still whispering and most people had headphones in anyway.

"Fine," I surrendered. "Yes."

"Good," he said.

I didn't feel good though. I felt like I had been caught pleasing myself or something, something naughty, something I shouldn't be doing.

"Why do you care so much?" I asked, angry he had me feeling this way.

He looked at me but said nothing for a while. I thought he wasn't going to at all then he said, "Allie, can I try something?"

"What?" I asked.

"Just trust me."

I gave an exaggerated sigh, "Sure."

He stood up from his seat and started to walk around to my side. He said down in the empty chair next to me then moved in it toward me, his knees knocking against mine. When my eyes met his to question his shift, his hand came up to cup the back of my head while the other framed my chin, so tender, like I might break if he held me too firmly.

He licked his lips and I suddenly knew what he wanted to show me. I didn't have much time to decide if I wanted to see it.

But then his lips brushed mine so softly. He dragged his lip against my top lip so easy it tingled and my lips parted. He pulled away slightly.

I looked up at him, I'm sure a little surprised, but I didn't dare move out his hold.

He dipped his head back in slowly, but as I closed my eyes, he stopped suddenly. I opened my eyes and his face was right up next to mine, his eyes open and looking down at me, holding me with his eyes while his mouth came down on mine again. The same slow torture of lips dragging against lips.

Suddenly my face felt ultra-hot and he pulled away, releasing my face, too. He looked down at the floor as if examining something down there. Then after a moment, he went back to his seat across the table and continued typing.

After a quiet moment, I said, "What was that for?"

He smiled at me, kind. "Because I like you."

My heart leapt, "I like you, too," I said.

He flashed one more smile at me then went back to work.

I knew I was in trouble.

**

"I think I'm falling for the guy," I told Emma over lunch.

She froze, fork halfway to her open mouth, "The married guy? Allie!"

"Is it just me or are you always this shocked with big news?" I laughed at her.

She put her hand up, "Don't avoid."

I shrugged, "I couldn't help it. He's so sweet and affectionate and I can't stop thinking about him."

"Allie, you can't."

I sighed and went back to my lunch. Suddenly something I had almost completely forgotten about popped into my mind.

"And I have a not-date with this guy from my apartment complex."

"What? Another guy? Allie you are too much!"

"It's not like that," I laughed.

"Please tell me how you do it so I may learn your wise ways."

"I just said it's not like that. He came back home super drunk, knocking on my door and I helped him out. So now he's taking me to lunch, that's all."

"You're so bad."

"I am not, stop it!"

"Is he cute?"

I nodded, "Actually yeah. Like maybe late 20s, Midwesterner."

"Hm, them corn fed boys."

I laughed, "He's from Michigan."

"Hm, corn fed and a hockey player. Wait, is hockey popular in Michigan? I don't remember now."

"Canada?"

"Same difference."

"How's Jared?" I asked.

"Eh," she shrugged, "It kind of fizzled after we had sex. We're still friends. We chat sometimes at work. But stop distracting me. What Michigan's name?"

"Ben."

"Oh, so innocent sounding. You should look into that."

I laughed, "But I'm seeing Milo."

"No, you're seeing Milo and his wife. It's different. You know it's not going to last."

That actually stung more than I expected. "Don't say that."

She tilted her head forward, that mom-knows-best look. "C'mon. And besides, I thought the whole point of this couple was that there were no strings attached. Everyone's open to explore and what not."

"We are open," I said. I crossed my arms over my chest, latching onto my shoulders.

She started to clean up then said, "Well let me know if you decide you don't want your neighbor boy."

I smiled and shook my head as she walked out.

**

Ben took me out for lunch that Saturday at one of those beach shacks right on the water, next to the UCSB campus.

"Thanks again," he said when we were seated. We were in front of those big, wall-sized windows and the light coming in made his eyes glow like that first night we met.

"No problem."

"So," he started, "Tell me about yourself."

"What do you want to know?"

"Why'd you decide to move out here?" he asked.

"Something different. My whole family lives in Iowa and I just felt like I was missing out on all these experiences I wouldn't have if I was there."

"And?"

"So far, I think yes. Little adventures at a time."

He nodded.

"What about you?"

"Well I actually went to UCSB. I wanted to study photography, but my family told me I should have something to fall back on, so I decided to study business. Well double-major. And now I am working for this art gallery on State Street. It's not really what I want to do, but I'm meeting a lot of people."

"What would you rather be doing?"

"I'd rather be doing photography full-time. You know, the National Geographic stuff, held up in a cave for weeks on end to get just the right shot of a snow leopard, living off of bark."