Today Started As Any Other Day

The scent she left behind lingers on my mind and draws me back to her image. The night before seemed all but a whisper of a dream. "Did that really happen?" How the hell did I end up so lucky?" She smells like she feels: soft and supple.

With a brush of her fingers she calms my storm and I can't remember the last time I was so calm. How is it possible that she laughs at my jokes and likes to kiss me? A thousand thoughts of her run through my mind; scattered, and unseemingly connected. I'm under her spell and it makes me smile. Her laughter is a sirens call luring me. Her eyes slip through my defenses and stroke my ego. I'm humbled by her affection.

I'm always shocked at how my first impression of her went when we first met. Her enticing smile threw me off guard and I had to look away so my attraction to her wouldn't be so obvious. Yah, I played it off as I had things to do and there was work to be done. I wondered what she would be like as a lover. Over the first year my attraction would grow and her wit would draw me in closer. Maybe I'll ask her out and explore the attraction deeper. Sure, we get along great, but the spirit of our friendship makes me wonder. Could she really be attracted to me or am I just fun for her to flirt with? I throw caution to the wind and ask her to join me for breakfast after work sometime. She said yes and seemed enthusiastic about meeting with me outside of work.

So, on the day of our rendezvous I can remember being anxious. I remember asking her twice that morning if she was still interested, hoping she didn't have an epiphany that had changed her mind. Both times she said yes with a smile. Ok, calm down. It's just breakfast with a gorgeous woman. I can do this, I just have to be myself.

Breakfast was good and our conversation flowed smoothly. We seemed to have very similar views on random topics and her humor is on par with mine. I like her. She's cool people. I can see us becoming friends outside of work. Hmmm. Interesting. Our meal lasted about an hour and a half but seemed longer and yet shorter, if that makes any sense. Yah, I know, it doesn't make any sense, but I felt like we talked forever. I didn't feel pressured for time or hurried to get this over with. On the way out I can remember thinking "damn, she's gorgeous. Inside and out". Her feral laughter sang to my soul. It was genuine and heartfelt. She likes my jokes as much as my sarcastic humor.

I remember talking about the issues in her life to which she called baggage (like most people who are entering a romantic relationship). I don't think she realized the connection at the time. I replied everyone had some kind of baggage and chalked it up to the comfort she has with me. She even invaded my personal space two or three times. We all know this area is generally not entered unless there is some kind of familiarity between two people. I notice this and pass it off as she was comfortable with me.

We chit chat on the way to our cars that are parked next to each other. Her smile and laughter are infectious. It's almost like we don't want to go our separate ways and want to continue to enjoy our time together. I wanted soo bad to kiss her. What happens next throws me for a loop. Now, pay attention because I barely pick up on this because I was under her influence.

Her: I had a good time. Thanks for breakfast. I've got a few things I've got to do now (or something like that). Then she gets into her car and starts it up.

Me: care for a cigarette?

Her: sure. She grabs a cigarette out of her purse and steps out of her car.

I grab a smoke from my car and walk back around to her. Now, we're standing between our cars and start talking again. Honestly, I can't remember a thing we said to each other. What I do remember is thinking that she is gorgeous and funny. I feel at ease with her and take comfort in her presence. The moment was surreal as we talked and laughed even after we finished our cigarettes. The moment seemed cliché where the girl kinda fidgets wondering when he'll kiss her and the boy tries to muster the courage for it. But, yah, that's what we were like.

My Internal monologue starts going crazy: dude! (I knew it was me talking, I recognize my voice) Make a move! Say something! You've got the tools! Just do it! Remember what Chris told you all those years ago: you got balls. Use 'em! Alright, I'm in. I'm gonna risk it for the biscuit.

I give a smirk and ask, "Would you mind if I kissed you?" And walked the three steps to her just as she says "No". Then, I kissed her. I remember putting one hand behind her ear and the other on her waist and pulled her in for our first kiss. Our first kiss did not disappoint. I've wanted this for a while and words won't do it justice, but I'll try. Nah, I'm not even gonna try, some things are better left unsaid. I'll just say it was fantastic and I savored it. As I have every kiss since.

I wake from my daydream of her and remember I'm still in bed. Funny how my first thought was of our first kiss even though it was years ago. She still has that effect on me and I can feel her warmth. I roll onto my side and grab her pillow taking in her scent. Something can be said about enjoying the other persons essence. Hers can be very intoxicating. I then drift off into a calm sleep. Until...(sigh)

"This has no future. We have no future. Why would you continue to pursue me?" Those words haunt me. Yet, I cannot stop pursuing her. I put up a good front. I tell her she's worth the risk. I want to explore where our relationship goes. I tell her, "I know you're not my true love and I don't proclaim anything remotely like that." I also tell her that I will not lie to her because she's earned the right of my complete honesty.

"At least you're honest. I appreciate that". She smiles and continues to push me away with her words. Her words of refusal sting and cut deep. I've heard those words from her more than I care to remember. She means them, but only to save me which is usually followed by "I don't want to hurt you". I gaze into her eyes. Those eyes of hers tell me a different story. She can't fool me. I can see that she's attracted to me, and is herself, trying to put up a good front. I go in for another kiss and she melts into my arms.

There I go again, daydreaming of her. The heart wants what the heart wants. I've told her that a few times and each time she would dismiss my words. Little would she know, her dismissal would shake my foundation. "That's a little too profound for our situation isn't it?" I don't think so. I think of it as a good way to say, I like you and I want to explore our relationship. Then, she would tell me that she wasn't even looking for anyone at this time. Or more so, I'm the wrong type of person she thought she would end up with. My blood turns to acid. I've been told that I'm not the right (whatever) my whole life. Growing up I was chubby for my age yet I was always athletic enough to drown out the teases. In highschool I was known as a jock and still earned high grades. I was the first in my family to graduate college with a bachelor's degree. My self image was never tied to my looks or what others have thought of me. I prove myself to me. And, of all people, she made me wish I was someone else. Someone whom she saw herself with. I had to get out of my head. Self doubt is not in my nature. If it's meant to be she would see who I am and know that I'm worthy of her affection. I just had to be myself.

So, I go on the offensive. Nothing too brash or arrogant. I don't tell her she was making a mistake by pushing me away or even making the mistake of pushing away a good man. No, instead I tell her my side of the story. She's worth the risk of a broken heart. I even tell her "it's better to have loved and lost than not love at all". I know it's not an accurate quote, but the message is clear to her. She gives me a look that my soul responds to: She likes what I said. Her body language spoke volumes to me. I called her bluff and said that her body language spoke contradictory to her words. At first she responded with, "it does?" After a while her response changed to a delighted smile and said "it does." She is starting to come to the dark side. My side. She knows that I can see who she is. I open up to her and let her into my crazy mind. She likes me and her smile shines for me.

When she sees me her features soften and invite me to her. I love the way we physically fit together and I can't help but touch her. It always amazes me how she can surprise me with a kiss. We work together (different departments) and can't always be affectionate in the workplace, but every once in a while she will sneak in for a quick kiss. For me, I don't have a problem with showing my affection in the workplace, but it can be for her and when she kisses me like that I know she wants to show that she genuinely wants me. I'm pleased by her actions.

I need to get out of bed, but I can't help thinking of her. My love for her grows each day. We are in love and tell each other whenever possible. Leading up to the first time we would say the "L-word" she would caution me that we aren't and shouldn't use it. It was my turn to downplay her words. I would tell her that we need to learn more about each other before that would happen. We spent more and more time together learning about each other. Asking probing questions: likes, dislikes, pet peeves, and general trivia. Her laughter brightens my world. I cannot see my world without her.

I knew we were falling in love and couldn't wait to tell her. Her skepticism stopped me from telling her. I dare not say it less she would run from me. I had to play it cool. Keep my mouth shut. I would have to wait. Until that night. The night she drank the truth serum. Well, ok. She had a few alcoholic beverages one night and called me on my cell phone. We jib jabbed about nothing in particular and were saying our goodbyes.

Me: good night, gorgeous.

Her: ILoveYou, bye (click) and then hung up on me.

Oh, her truth serum was working as intended. I was ecstatic! She loves me! I knew it! She was drinking liquid courage to tell me. She really loves me and couldn't quite tell me. My anxieties about our relationship after that point dissolved away. I let her words linger over night. She would do stuff like that so I would chase her for clarification, but not today. I don't recall saying anything about it the next day. I'll let her think I didn't hear it. Play it cool. We met for breakfast at a local diner a couple days later. It started as any other time we were together. We met in the parking lot, kiss for a bit, then walk in together. We sat at a table and began talking and laughing. Everything was normal, until...

I leaned over to say something in her ear and she leaned over to meet me halfway, I then whispered "I love you, too." I will never forget the look on her face. Shock, relief, happiness, love, and pleasure all at once. She was relieved and didn't conceal it. The pressure of playing it cool was weighing on me. I had to tell her and I knew she wanted to hear me say it. We knew it was in the air. We enjoy our time together too much to not express it. I don't regret saying the "L-word". I am pleased beyond belief to know that we are on the same page. She is my muse and life won't be the same without her. She inspires me. I find myself revealing the true person that I am. And, she has done the same for me. She never ceases to amaze me at how compatible we are. Her energy reflects mine and vice versa. She gives a smart ass comment and I return with sarcastic commentary.

She often comments on how much I make her laugh and that I'm the only person that has ever made her laugh this much. But, in all reality, I want to tell her that she is my muse. She is the catalyst that inspires my creative and sarcastic wit. I can not get enough of her. A wave of calm and serenity washes over me just thinking about her. I smile.

The newness of our relationship hasn't worn off and I suspect that will continue to be the way for quite some time. We often talk for hours on end without regard for time. Our playful anecdotes and inside jokes are playful and endearing. It's as if we've known each other since we were kids. She's become my best friend. There's nothing I can't tell her. I want to tell her everything and she says the same. I can remember very early in our relationship when she started to say something about her past and quickly tried to backpedal about telling me. "I shouldn't tell you this secret. It's TMI (too much information) at this time. Maybe I'll tell you another time." I assured her that I can handle it and would like to hear it. I admire her trust and the strength to share with me.

Her secret was dark and traumatic but she wanted to tell me. She didn't want to risk scaring me away. I could see it in her eyes. I held her hand and told her she's safe with me and I can handle anything that was about to be said. Her courage gives me strength. Her secret was indeed dark but didn't scare me away. It was more of a life lesson that she learned the hard way. I console her and tell her that she's stronger because of it.

Our love would deepen over the next six months. We were inseparable. We would learn each other like the back of our hands, so to speak. We talked of our life together. We were all in. Life was exciting to think about and plan. Until...

At first, it was the little things: short phone conversations, not seeing her outside of work as often. General change in our dynamics. Then, I would only see her once a week. Did I say something wrong? Is she having second thoughts about us? I couldn't figure a reason other than I had done something wrong. After three weeks or so, of being left in limbo she comes over. I remember sitting on the couch and she dropped the bombshell that we are breaking up (I had no say or sway in this conversation). I'm not the type she wants to share her life as lovers with. She's not ready to change her life for me or the idea of us. I hold it together. I knew this would happen, yet I wished it wouldn't. She is my unicorn and the feeling isn't reciprocated. I'm hurt. I'll survive. She will forever be my elusive unicorn.