Thoughts And Alcohol

I've lost her, I know. It was such a stupid argument. And then I told her to go, to leave me alone, that I would be better off without her. How senseless was that? She went, crying her eyes out, and I let her, I waved her goodbye. I cannot believe I did that. As she slammed the door, I picked up a bottle, and drank. Actually, what I did was drink some more. I must have been drunk to have argued with her in the first place. I knew she was right, but stubbornness made me argue. Stubbornness and alcohol. I took another swig from the bottle, my mind wandering through our relationship.

----

Kim was a friend of my sister when I first met her, about four years younger than me. It wasn't love at first sight or anything like that; she was just there, hanging around. I hardly noticed her for quite some time, until she blossomed. And how she blossomed! From a skinny, gawky teen to a real beauty in a little more than a year. She became a gorgeous young woman. Kim came with us on a couple of family trips. They were just trips out for the day, the more the merrier sort of thing. It was that first one to the seaside when she caught my eye. I think I was playing beach cricket when I saw her in her bikini, paddling. My concentration went to pieces and I cried off from the game. I went to sit amongst the rock pools and watched Kim from a distance as she swam in the sea for a while. Then she emerged from the waves like some modern Aphrodite. That was the moment I knew, I knew she was the one.

However, being me, I didn't say anything to Kim and she didn't appear to have noticed the extra attention I was paying her. I agonized about what to do. I felt attracted to her but wasn't sure that it hadn't just been that moment. Eventually I asked her out. Just to the cinema, some rom-com or other. It went well enough, well enough for me to ask her out again now and then, a movie again or a meal maybe. If she was at a loose end she'd agree. We were never really a couple then, just, well, backup dates, if neither of us was otherwise engaged. This not very serious state of affairs went on for a few months until I went away to college.

----

I took another swig from the bottle. College was where I had learnt to drink, drink and party. Back then I could handle it easier, youth and a prodigious metabolism meant that I never lost control, never letting my temper rise. Now it seemed that those days were gone, along with Kim. More and more I found my temper rising, and every time it was harder to control, to calm myself down.

----

I came back from college and found that Kim had got herself a job in a shop rather than going further with her education. She was good at it too, already assistant manager. On the other hand I was drifting, unsure about what I wanted to do now. I got in touch with Kim and asked her out again, totally forgetting that she may have a boyfriend. She agreed and we went to one our old haunts, the cinema, and then for a meal. As we ate we talked, catching up a little. She asked if I could afford this, as at the moment I was just back from college. Looking back, she was only asking as a concerned friend, but I didn't take it that way. I stormed off after paying for the meal, leaving Kim stunned. Our first row. As I left I felt the anger leave me, and felt ashamed, realising that she was only showing that she was grown up too. I called her early next morning, before she went to work, almost too early. Kim was calm and accepted my apology and hoped that I understood that she was only trying to help. I told her I did and that I was really sorry for taking her help the wrong way, and could we still be friends? A smile broke on my face when she said 'of course'.

I took several temporary jobs that summer, all boring and menial, and then found something that I enjoyed. Driving a lorry around the county, making deliveries. Probably a waste of my education, but it was something I liked doing. On my own for most of the time, no set schedule as long as everything was delivered. It suited me down to the ground. One of my regular drops just happened to be to Kim's shop, once or twice a week. I looked forward to these, trying to make them the last drop of the day so that I knew how much time I could spend talking to Kim. After my earlier embarrassing moment I steered clear of asking her out for quite some time, until Kim asked me out. I accepted, eager to make up for my earlier mistake. When I asked if she was serious with anyone, she said that none of her dates had ever led to anything serious, and I her only constant admirer. I said I didn't believe her, surely a girl as pretty as she was could find a serious boyfriend? Her reply was that she tended to focus on her career and that seemed to put most guys off, except me. I just said that I'd known her longer than most, and she'd have to do better than that to get rid of me.

We started to go out occasionally, still not serious. This went on for more than a year. We asked nothing of one another other than companionship. Movies and meals, the odd day trip here and there. Then at the New Year party Kim dropped her bombshell. She was being transferred, to become Manager at one of the smaller branches, but it was out of my delivery area. I was happy for her, she deserved the recognition, but sad that I would rarely get to see her anymore. She seemed to sense my conflict, but said nothing. All I could do was offer my congratulations. I drank too much at the party, drowning my sorrows. Kim saw me home. On the doorstep I asked when she was going. "Soon" she told me. How soon came as a shock however. My next delivery to her shop a couple of days later found me talking to the new assistant manager, Kim was already gone.

----

I looked at the bottle and put it down, staring around the room instead. Here and there were little touches of Kim. A picture she'd bought, a framed photo of the two of us on a beach, some CD's and DVD's of hers. I picked up the bottle again.

----

This parting had been the worst. I had got used to Kim being in my life, even if it was only on the edge. Except she wasn't on the edge. As the weeks passed I realised that she had become the centre of my life. Any day that I saw her or talked to her was a good day; a day with no contact was a bad day. Now she was a hundred miles away, I could call her, but there were no more 'whim' dates. No "Are you free tonight?" calls. I couldn't handle it and began to phone her less and less. Part of this was because of my promotion to manager of the dispatch department. I had less time to talk, more to worry about. I suspect that Kim had a lot on her plate too; I gathered from other friends in her old shop that the branch she had taken over was not one of the more successful ones in the chain, but that Kim was beginning to turn it round.

We had barely talked for almost six months when I met her in a bar in town. I didn't know it was her at first. I just saw a woman being hassled by some drunk at the bar. I walked up behind him and grabbed his arm, forcing it up his back, pushing him across the bar.

"Bud, the lady doesn't appreciate your attention. If you don't apologise I'll keeping pushing on this arm till it comes off and then I'll stuff it down your throat."

He squealed in pain as I increased the pressure to make the point.

"Okay, okay I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll go." He turned around as I let go. "What's it to you anyway?"

Now I had recognised Kim. Her hair style had changed, but as soon as I saw her face and her blue eyes I knew it was her.

"As it happens, the lady is a good friend of mine, and if I'd known it was her I'd have pushed harder." He scuttled away. I smiled. "Hello Kim, what are you doing back in town?"

"I've had a job offer. Manager of the big new superstore that's opening."

"I'm impressed, but not surprised. Where are you staying?"

"Hotel for the moment."

"Sounds dull. Busy tonight?"

"You offering to take me out?"

"I know a new restaurant if you're interested."

"Then I'm yours for the night." She laughed.

That evening we caught up with each others news once again, something we always seemed to be doing. I spent a lot of the time just looking at Kim, wondering how I never seemed to be able to hold onto her, how no-one could hold onto her. For a change it was Kim who had a little too much to drink and I had to help her back to her hotel room. She paused on the threshold and seemed to be waiting for something. Her sparkling blue eyes seemed to be willing me to speak.

"Kim, have I ever told you how beautiful you are?" I spoke from the heart, not caring what she thought, she'd probably not remember anyway.

She smiled and pecked me on the cheek.

"Not really, but I thank you. I had gathered how you felt."

"And I know I've never told you I love you." She looked stunned for a moment.

"The feeling is mutual you know." She pulled me towards her; our lips meeting in a kiss that had been a long time coming. I broke off the contact.

"I'll call you tomorrow."

----

Thus began the final stage of our relationship. We went out together at least once a week, sometimes Kim came back to my place, and sometimes she didn't. She was so busy preparing to open the store that it took her over a month to find a flat. After she did we occasionally went back there, but mine was usually the preferred venue for a nightcap. Gradually Kim left her presence in my flat, just little things. Some of her DVD's after a night watching them, the odd CD she'd lent me, bits and pieces of jewellery she left behind, the odd piece of clothing. Her flat collected some of my things too, mostly laundry, only much tidier. And then things began to slip.

----

The store opening was a huge success, but that had never been in doubt with Kim behind it. My firm however was struggling a little, I had to lay off some of the drivers, something I didn't like doing, and it was making me tetchy and on more than one occasion I was very short with Kim as she talked about how well things were going for her. When she found out why (I hadn't told her) she apologised to me, but I told her it was my fault for not saying anything. Sometimes I had to go out and drive, which I didn't mind, but more than once that meant cancelling a date with Kim, which pleased neither of us. The store was running itself now thanks to Kim's organisation, which meant that she had more free time. In my case I was having to work harder and more often, meaning that our time together was often short, sometimes no more than a quick hello. It was beginning to affect me, I was getting short tempered again and I was drinking more often alone. It came to a head this afternoon.

----

It was the weekend. Kim had gone into work in the morning for some minor housekeeping, leaving me on my own. By the time she returned I was most of the way to being drunk. Kim was disappointed in me when she came in and said so. This was where I took exception and the row started, culminating in me telling her to leave.

----

Again I looked at the bottle in my hand. By now it was half empty, or was it half full? As I stared at it I was suddenly disgusted with myself, and with this bottle. Combined with my temper and stubbornness they had driven away the best thing in my life, the only thing I cared about. I stood a little unsteadily and walked to the door, the door Kim had slammed behind her on her way out of my life. Outside were the bins. I walked over to them. I unscrewed the bottle and poured out the contents, and then flung the empty into the recycling bin, smashing the glass satisfyingly. I turned around and Kim was there, leaning against the wall.

"Dramatic." She said. "Any reason?" Her face was still tear-stained, but she looked at me steadily, her blue eyes challenging me once more.

"My temper and alcohol don't make a good mix." I said. "No alcohol, no temper, simple." She continued to stare me down, her eyes drawing words out of me that I'd always wanted to say, but never had. "We're supposed to grow old with someone, not because of them." Still she stared. Uncomfortably I continued to speak; I needed a reaction from her. "I've realised that I can do without almost anything, except one precious thing."

"Only one?" Her eyes dropped from the survey of my face.

"Yes. You." I stepped up to her and lifted her chin with my finger.

"Me?" Her eyes shone with tears again.

"Don't tease me Kim. I can't take back what I've said; all I can ask is that you forgive me and come back."

She smiled and hugged me.

"Fool. I never went away. I just hoped that you'd realise that you wanted me as much as I wanted to be with you" She kissed me gently and led me back indoors. "But the drinking will have to go."

"Just as long as there's something to replace it." I joked, kissing her again.

"I'm sure we'll think of something."