FRIDAY
“I am so excited for this trip! John, I still can’t believe you got reservations for skiing the week before Christmas! This is going to be the best Christmas vacation ever, don’t you agree, kids?”
“Yup. This is gonna be great.”
“So, final pit stop. Remember, no stopping. Let’s load up and get on the road!”
She turned to her husband, “Thank you, Dear, for making this possible. Just another reason why I love you so much.”
She reached across the car and rubbed John’s thigh and then slid up and rubbed his soft little love tube. It started to stretch and grow under her finger tips. John checked the rear view mirror. “There’ll be plenty of time for that later, Jamie. We’re in a two bedroom condo. One for them and one for us. Now leave me alone and let me concentrate. You know the rules.”
And so it started. Her main goal this week was to do everything she could possibly think of to make him happy so there would be no yelling or screaming. And maybe, just maybe, no hitting. If only. She looked behind her. Chris and Hailey. Ten and twelve, just eighteen months apart. Headphones on, heads down, glued to their games. They knew the rules too. It was best to be invisible. No talking, moving about and never, ever ask to stop, for any reason.
As they continued the four hour trip to the slopes her mind drifted. Random thoughts and remembrances floated by. She remembered the vision board she’d created in high school. She’d been right on track. Straight A’s, or almost. Dual major, business and accounting. She already had a good job offer far away from her overly strict and controlling folks.
And then she met John. Relaxed, friendly, a great listener, made her laugh and liked all the same things she did. Before long he charmed her out of her dress and into his bed. Sex was great, although she really didn’t have much to compare it to.
But then just before graduation she realized she was pregnant. How? How was it even possible? She still didn’t know. She was on the pill and a fanatic about taking them. Same time every day. No exceptions. The last couple of packs looked a little different, but she figured it was just a different generic brand or something. But there went the vision board. Her life changed overnight.
He suggested an abortion, but there was no way. He knew she could never do it. There was a life inside her and she already loved the child. She was ready to go it alone. Be a single mom, but then he asked her for her hand. Shortly after graduation they married. At the courthouse. No dress, no celebration, and short honeymoon. Her folks said that they were not going to allow her to advertise her shame and theirs by walking down the aisle with a baby in her belly.
No one would hire her. Who wants a new pregnant employee who’d be gone for a while in just a few months? He insisted she stay home and care for the child. He was supportive, helpful and wanted a second one as quickly as possible.
She turned around to check on the girls. Where had the years gone? She patted Hailey’s knee flashing her their three finger salute. The Three Musketeers, although when John was around it was more like the Three Mouseketeers. Be quiet as a mouse. She smiled. Hailey smiled back and squeezed her hand. They were such a blessing.
John smiled inwardly and chuckled. Quiet. Just the way he liked it. A sign that he was in complete control. Life was good. He’d needed someone to care for him after graduation so he switched out Jamie’s pills for fakes and made sure he screwed the hell out of her and sure enough she got pregnant.
Back to back pregnancies made her essentially unemployable. Out of college for almost three years with no work history. She had nothing without him. He charmed his parents and her parents and they joined him in heaping guilt and shame upon her so she would do whatever he wanted. But then, after Chris she wanted to get a job. Started making her own decisions. Acting like they were equals. An intolerable condition from his standpoint.
Her role in life was to serve him and not create problems. But she was the reason his work wasn’t going well, his team lost, the car needed the oil change…Everything that was messing up his life was her doing. He knew it. And so, she needed to pay the price. He got angry, hostile, and started hitting her. Never where it showed, but more and more frequently.
Despite his ‘educational’ efforts, she started to get an independent streak, to question his ‘trips’ and ‘client meetings.’ She even had the nerve to defend herself. So he devised a new plan. A plan to get her under control and keep her there. He got her pregnant again and then gave her a triple dose of the abortion inducing pills he’d gotten south of the border. He remembered laughing inside when the cramping started, but then she bled so damn much, he was afraid he might have over done it. No way did he want her to die and saddle him with the kids.
It worked! She was in so much emotional pain over her loss that he heaped shame upon her and blamed his own pain from the loss of their little baby on her failures. He remembered striking her. Felt good. She wanted to be punished because she’d miscarried and so he granted her her wish. He beat the hell out of her for her failures.
He admitted to himself that he kind of got carried away. Flinging her against the stairs splitting her forehead and breaking her arm was not part of the plan, but it worked out great. Sitting in the waiting room with all the parents he shared his grief and anguish along with a liberal dose of tears. ‘If only she had done the things the doctor recommended.’
She was broken. Five against one. And not a peep out of her for years. A very fuckable, always agreeable, housekeeper. And…he could do whatever he wanted on the side and she never questioned anything. Life was good. And now he had Emily. Almost a carbon copy. Women were so friggin’ stupid and so easily manipulated, he thought.
Jamie remembered losing the baby. Years later, tears still filled her eyes. How? Why? What had she done wrong? Obviously she was a failure as a woman as well as everything else. She’d wanted sympathy, empathy, understanding, but instead John took her home and started yelling. She remembered being struck over and over, but she hardly noticed because of the pain she felt from the loss of her child. She deserved it. She knew she did. Failure as a wife. Failure as a mother. Failure as a woman. Failure to herself. She was broken. It wasn’t until he threw her against the stairs splitting her forehead and breaking her arm that he stopped. Even he seemed surprised by what he’d done.
And he got worse. The beatings more frequent. And then he started to look like he enjoyed doing it. She did contact a divorce attorney, but he told her they were in a no fault state and the odds were he would get the kids 50% of the time. She couldn’t let that happen. There was no telling what would happen to them if they were left in his care all alone. So she stayed to be their shield. She lived with her shame, sharing it with no one.
Her folks loved John and blamed her for getting pregnant, losing the baby, and everything else that he complained about. His parents blamed her for ruining his life and forcing him into marriage. She took it. Never defended herself. She deserved it. She was a loser.
When he got pissed at her, she took it. When he started on the kids, she always stepped in, redirected his anger, and took theirs as well. She never left them alone with him. It was tough, but she was positive by nature and took joy in the girls and helping them grow into wonderful young ladies. Maybe just maybe this week would be different.
They finished the four hour drive to the slopes, checked in, unpacked, a quick lunch and ready to hit the slopes. John told the people at the equipment store exactly what equipment was needed. They tried to change his mind for Jamie’s boots, wrong style, and skis, too long, but his glare ended the discussion. The kids were signed up for ski school for the afternoon. They weren’t happy about it, the girls thought they were ready for bigger things, but Jamie thought they needed a refresher and some work on their techniques. The adults hit the slopes.
“Jamie, it’s been a while since we skied. Why don’t you take a couple runs on this easy slope to get the feel back while I take the one above?”
