FRIDAY
âI am so excited for this trip! John, I still canât believe you got reservations for skiing the week before Christmas! This is going to be the best Christmas vacation ever, donât you agree, kids?â
âYup. This is gonna be great.â
âSo, final pit stop. Remember, no stopping. Letâs load up and get on the road!â
She turned to her husband, âThank you, Dear, for making this possible. Just another reason why I love you so much.â
She reached across the car and rubbed Johnâs thigh and then slid up and rubbed his soft little love tube. It started to stretch and grow under her finger tips. John checked the rear view mirror. âThereâll be plenty of time for that later, Jamie. Weâre in a two bedroom condo. One for them and one for us. Now leave me alone and let me concentrate. You know the rules.â
And so it started. Her main goal this week was to do everything she could possibly think of to make him happy so there would be no yelling or screaming. And maybe, just maybe, no hitting. If only. She looked behind her. Chris and Hailey. Ten and twelve, just eighteen months apart. Headphones on, heads down, glued to their games. They knew the rules too. It was best to be invisible. No talking, moving about and never, ever ask to stop, for any reason.
As they continued the four hour trip to the slopes her mind drifted. Random thoughts and remembrances floated by. She remembered the vision board sheâd created in high school. Sheâd been right on track. Straight Aâs, or almost. Dual major, business and accounting. She already had a good job offer far away from her overly strict and controlling folks.
And then she met John. Relaxed, friendly, a great listener, made her laugh and liked all the same things she did. Before long he charmed her out of her dress and into his bed. Sex was great, although she really didnât have much to compare it to.
But then just before graduation she realized she was pregnant. How? How was it even possible? She still didnât know. She was on the pill and a fanatic about taking them. Same time every day. No exceptions. The last couple of packs looked a little different, but she figured it was just a different generic brand or something. But there went the vision board. Her life changed overnight.
He suggested an abortion, but there was no way. He knew she could never do it. There was a life inside her and she already loved the child. She was ready to go it alone. Be a single mom, but then he asked her for her hand. Shortly after graduation they married. At the courthouse. No dress, no celebration, and short honeymoon. Her folks said that they were not going to allow her to advertise her shame and theirs by walking down the aisle with a baby in her belly.
No one would hire her. Who wants a new pregnant employee whoâd be gone for a while in just a few months? He insisted she stay home and care for the child. He was supportive, helpful and wanted a second one as quickly as possible.
She turned around to check on the girls. Where had the years gone? She patted Haileyâs knee flashing her their three finger salute. The Three Musketeers, although when John was around it was more like the Three Mouseketeers. Be quiet as a mouse. She smiled. Hailey smiled back and squeezed her hand. They were such a blessing.
John smiled inwardly and chuckled. Quiet. Just the way he liked it. A sign that he was in complete control. Life was good. Heâd needed someone to care for him after graduation so he switched out Jamieâs pills for fakes and made sure he screwed the hell out of her and sure enough she got pregnant.
Back to back pregnancies made her essentially unemployable. Out of college for almost three years with no work history. She had nothing without him. He charmed his parents and her parents and they joined him in heaping guilt and shame upon her so she would do whatever he wanted. But then, after Chris she wanted to get a job. Started making her own decisions. Acting like they were equals. An intolerable condition from his standpoint.
Her role in life was to serve him and not create problems. But she was the reason his work wasnât going well, his team lost, the car needed the oil changeâŠEverything that was messing up his life was her doing. He knew it. And so, she needed to pay the price. He got angry, hostile, and started hitting her. Never where it showed, but more and more frequently.
Despite his âeducationalâ efforts, she started to get an independent streak, to question his âtripsâ and âclient meetings.â She even had the nerve to defend herself. So he devised a new plan. A plan to get her under control and keep her there. He got her pregnant again and then gave her a triple dose of the abortion inducing pills heâd gotten south of the border. He remembered laughing inside when the cramping started, but then she bled so damn much, he was afraid he might have over done it. No way did he want her to die and saddle him with the kids.
It worked! She was in so much emotional pain over her loss that he heaped shame upon her and blamed his own pain from the loss of their little baby on her failures. He remembered striking her. Felt good. She wanted to be punished because sheâd miscarried and so he granted her her wish. He beat the hell out of her for her failures.
He admitted to himself that he kind of got carried away. Flinging her against the stairs splitting her forehead and breaking her arm was not part of the plan, but it worked out great. Sitting in the waiting room with all the parents he shared his grief and anguish along with a liberal dose of tears. âIf only she had done the things the doctor recommended.â
She was broken. Five against one. And not a peep out of her for years. A very fuckable, always agreeable, housekeeper. AndâŠhe could do whatever he wanted on the side and she never questioned anything. Life was good. And now he had Emily. Almost a carbon copy. Women were so frigginâ stupid and so easily manipulated, he thought.
Jamie remembered losing the baby. Years later, tears still filled her eyes. How? Why? What had she done wrong? Obviously she was a failure as a woman as well as everything else. Sheâd wanted sympathy, empathy, understanding, but instead John took her home and started yelling. She remembered being struck over and over, but she hardly noticed because of the pain she felt from the loss of her child. She deserved it. She knew she did. Failure as a wife. Failure as a mother. Failure as a woman. Failure to herself. She was broken. It wasnât until he threw her against the stairs splitting her forehead and breaking her arm that he stopped. Even he seemed surprised by what heâd done.
And he got worse. The beatings more frequent. And then he started to look like he enjoyed doing it. She did contact a divorce attorney, but he told her they were in a no fault state and the odds were he would get the kids 50% of the time. She couldnât let that happen. There was no telling what would happen to them if they were left in his care all alone. So she stayed to be their shield. She lived with her shame, sharing it with no one.
Her folks loved John and blamed her for getting pregnant, losing the baby, and everything else that he complained about. His parents blamed her for ruining his life and forcing him into marriage. She took it. Never defended herself. She deserved it. She was a loser.
When he got pissed at her, she took it. When he started on the kids, she always stepped in, redirected his anger, and took theirs as well. She never left them alone with him. It was tough, but she was positive by nature and took joy in the girls and helping them grow into wonderful young ladies. Maybe just maybe this week would be different.
They finished the four hour drive to the slopes, checked in, unpacked, a quick lunch and ready to hit the slopes. John told the people at the equipment store exactly what equipment was needed. They tried to change his mind for Jamieâs boots, wrong style, and skis, too long, but his glare ended the discussion. The kids were signed up for ski school for the afternoon. They werenât happy about it, the girls thought they were ready for bigger things, but Jamie thought they needed a refresher and some work on their techniques. The adults hit the slopes.
âJamie, itâs been a while since we skied. Why donât you take a couple runs on this easy slope to get the feel back while I take the one above?â
âNo way! Iâm ready for the Olympics. Letâs start the next level up.â They took the chair lift up, got off and Jamie looked down the slope. It always looked steeper from the top and she was starting to doubt her choice, but, ââŠand Iâm off!â John followed.
Rusty, she felt so rusty. And the slope was icy in spots and rough from the dayâs use. She knew she had to be careful and tightened up some. Too tight. Trying to relax and settle in, she was most of the way down the slope, starting her cut back, when her edge caught and she went face forward down the slope. Reaching her arms out, grasping her poles, she landed hard. There was a crack and sudden pain in her forearm. She knew immediately that the party was over and the shit storm was about to start. She barely noticed her skis twisting off as she tumbled further down the slope. As she slowed to a stop she grabbed her arm. She winced in pain and feared the worse.
John was there in a second. âJamie! Dammit. I told you! Why donât you ever listen? âWhy donât we try the easy slope,â but no, Miss fucking Vonn is ready for the downhill!â
âNo. Iâm sure itâs fine. Just a sprain. Iâll ski the rest of the way down, itâs not far, and get an ace bandage and put some ice on it. Couple of Advils and Iâll be good as new.â
âLook at your fucking arm! Look at the angle of it! Hell, we might as well just pack up and leave. Why donât you ever fucking listen to me? God! How have I put up with you all this time? Youâre momâs right. You are such a loser.â
âYouâre right, John. I should have started on the other slopes. I should have gone slower. I should have tucked and rolled. I should have done everything except what I did. Iâm sorry. Iâll just ski down and have the clinic look at it.â She noted that everything on the slope had stopped and people were staring. âBut please stop yelling so loudly. Weâre almost at the bottom of the hill. The kids might hear.â
âYou always do this! Itâs always the same. You always screw everything up. Look at what youâve done to my life! Our baby! Youâre so damn stupid!â
âIâm sorry, John. Iâm sorry! Look. I can stay with the kids while they ski and you can still do your thing. Here, Iâll just get upâŠâ He didnât even try to help her. She put both poles in her right hand and tried to get up. Pain shot through her left arm. âMy arm. I think I broke my left arm. Darn. We just got here. I am so sorry. I ruined everything.â
He grabbed her by the front of her ski jacket and started yanking her up. âGet up, dammitâŠâ
âWait! Wait! Donât move yet!â A big guy skied up in a ski patrol uniform. âHi, Iâm Nate. First day on the slopes?â She nodded. âYou looked pretty tight. Probably should have started lower down. Let me take a look at you. Where does it hurt?â
âMy left. I think I broke it.â
He pulled up her sleeve and checked it out. âYup, I think you did, too. How about the rest of you?â He looked at her with piercing gray eyes. She couldnât look away. It was like he was looking into her soul. Concern, empathy, and something else. Desire. She told herself to get a grip. What was she thinking?
He felt her legs, back, belly. Everywhere he touched lit up. She could feel his fingers long after his hands left. What the hell? That feeling he gave her was like what she read about in her books. What she saw in the movies.