The Wedding Gauntlet

"Dad, we're getting married!"

Shit.

"Really? I'm so happy for you both," I tried to gush as Christi showed me her ring.

My daughter and her boyfriend Roy -- fiancé now, I guess -- had been dating for nearly two years. They met through friends, and they did seem very comfortable together. Compatible. Happy even. I liked him fine. Roy's eyes followed Christi wherever she went, and Christi was, of course, perfect.

"Thanks, Dad! Will you walk me down the aisle?"

I hated that she had to ask me that question.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world, sweetheart. I've been looking forward to that duty since the day you were born." Christi smiled with more relief than joy. "Have you set a date yet?"

"No, we need to check with Roy's church to see when it's available. If we can arrange it we'd like to get married in May or June, before it gets too hot and sticky."

That was interesting. Couples often marry in the bride's town, since the bride's side usually handles most of the planning. I understood why they chose Roy's hometown though, and I appreciated it.

"Well, just let me know where I need to be and when. And send me whatever bills you have."

Christi smiled brightly. I was sure this conversation was going better than she feared.

"Thanks, Daddy. I love you so much."

"I love you too, sweetheart. More than you could ever know."

She smiled again, and leaned over to give me a hug. When she sat back, she looked down and rubbed her thumb and forefinger together. It was her tell. She was nervous. But my girl is strong, and she doesn't shy away from difficulty, so I knew I wouldn't wait long to hear what was on her mind. Even if I already knew.

"Mom and Karl will be there."

"I expect so."

"Will you be okay?"

I sighed gently. "I'll be fine. Please keep us apart for the meals and the toasts and the dances, and ask them not to interact with me in any way, and you'll have the perfect day."

Christi's face showed her disappointment. She really had no basis for hope on this particular score, but children -- and brides -- always want the happiest endings. She finally sighed too, and said, "Well, as good as it can be anyway."

She had trained Roy well. Or maybe he just had an intuitive sense for her needs. Whatever the reason, he put his arm around her shoulders and squeezed a little to let her know he was there. Supporting her. She looked to him and gave a grateful smile.

"Okay. I know. We can do that. Thanks, Dad."

I waited patiently for her eyes to find mine again.

"Thank you, sweetheart. I really do appreciate it."

She gave me a fragile smile, and sighed again. But my girl is strong, so she rallied, taking a deep breath and blowing it out. Her voice regained its normal force.

"Of course. You're my dad, and I love you. I'll always protect you."

* * * * *

I hated that Christi had to protect me.

She was just 11 when my then-wife Kathy reconnected with her high-school boyfriend and decided that he and not me was the true love of her life. The last day I felt anything remotely romantic was the day Kathy chose him over me and the kids -- though to be fair she didn't think she was losing Jason and Christi at the time. That betrayal seared my heart, and the anger and bitterness that followed salted the scorched remains so that love would never grow again. I had to wall off anything that had to do with Kathy to keep that unfathomable pain compartmentalized so it didn't poison the rest of my life.

I made sure that Christi and Jason stayed connected with their cousins, but I only talked with Kathy's sister Evelyn to arrange playdates or Kathy's visitations with the kids. I never communicated directly with Kathy. I stopped talking to Evelyn's husband Todd even though we had been good friends, and I hadn't spoken to Kathy's parents since her decision day either. Collateral damage, but I had to do it for my own sanity.

I tried to make it clear to both my son and my daughter that I didn't want to hear anything about their mother, but kids want the happy ending, so of course they ignored my desires. Mostly it was small things dropped into conversations -- death by a thousand cuts -- but when Christi told me a couple years after our divorce that Kathy was pregnant, I waited until the kids went to bed and then drank myself into a bourbon-fueled oblivion. I vomited all over the living room and passed out on the floor of the kitchen, which is where Christi found me the next morning. She woke up Jason, and the two of them got me into the shower and then helped me clean up my mess. Jason had just got his drivers license, so I sent him for Gatorade and Coke. When he got back and I was more or less operational again, we had our last discussion on the subject of Kathy.

"I know you guys love your mom. And I know that you love me. I've tried very hard not to bad-mouth your mother in front of you, but I think that's left a serious misimpression with you both. I never -- and I mean never -- want to hear another thing about your mother ever again."

Their eyes were huge. I'd never talked this directly to them, but at 16 and 14 -- and given that they'd seen the aftermath of my binge -- it was time they heard it straight.

"Your mother destroyed my love not just for her but for any woman when she chose that fuckwad over me. Just hearing her name makes me wince in agony. And when I hear things like she's having a baby with that asshole, well, you saw how I tried to kill that pain. I loved your mother completely, and she rejected me. She broke her promises to me, and she lied to me. And every time I hear about her I am reminded that I was not good enough, that she really wanted someone else while she was married to me, and that she didn't respect me to tell me the truth. When I think about that, I feel like someone has poured acid on my insides. I just want to die."

Christi had always been a daddy's girl, and she sprung to me in tears, clamping her arms tightly around my neck.

"I'm so sorry, Daddy! I didn't mean it! I never want to hurt you!"

"I know, sweetheart. I know. That's why I'm telling you both now. For my sake, for my well being, I can't know anything about her. It just hurts me way too much to handle. Do you understand?"

They said they did.

"And I don't want her to know anything about me either. I doubt she cares now, but let her have her new life with her new family without discussing me."

"She always asks about you, Dad," Jason said. He didn't often go to his mother on visitation days -- what teenage boy wants to hang out with his parents -- but he couldn't avoid them all.

"From now on please just say that I'm fine and leave it at that. If she pushes, just tell her that I prefer she doesn't know what I'm doing."

My children nodded. They were awesome kids. I just had one more thing to say.

"I want you both to know that I feel like I'm failing you as a parent. Parents take care of their children, and here I am asking you to take care of me in this way. But in every other way I'll be the best parent I can be. I won't miss a single one of your events, and I'll always be here to talk to you about anything you want to discuss. I'll get you everything you need to be successful. I'll be wherever and whenever you need me to be. I swear to you both. This is what good families do. Families take care of each other. So as you take care of me, I will take care of you."

If the hug we shared wasn't the best hug of all time, it was definitely in the top two.

* * * * *

The wedding was held on the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend. I'd asked my folks to join me, but Dad had dementia pretty bad, and he got agitated if Mom was out of his sight for any length of time, so they stayed home, telling me to take lots of pictures. It was a lonely three-hour drive.

I chose an AirBnB on the other side of town from the hotel where the rest of the out-of-town guests were staying, and I rolled in just after the 3pm check-in time. I texted Jason to let him know I had arrived. I asked him if he wanted to get together for coffee, but he was still a couple hours away and planned on going directly to the rehearsal.

I Googled the nearest coffee shop, and since it was less than a half-mile away I walked over. Coffee City was a tiny place, with only four tables and a wooden bench outside. Coffee Village would have been more accurate. All tables were occupied, three of them by people working on laptops, so I sat on the bench with my regular black coffee. The seat was worn smooth, and it was surprisingly comfortable.

I was more than a little nervous to see Kathy after 13 years. I only knew about the one kid, but maybe she had more. In an effort to inoculate myself against any possible pain, I'd spent hours and hours since Christi and Roy's announcement visualizing every scenario I could think of, from running into her unexpectedly to unloading a vitriolic but oh-so-satisfying screed at her in the middle of the wedding. I even half-heartedly game-planned an attempted reconciliation on her part.

I also practiced a polite fugue state, where I would soft-focus on what was immediately around me, a vague smile on my face, responding warmly but only to what was asked directly. I was relying on this as my first line of defense. With the emotional distance it created combined with the physical distance I knew Christi would encourage, I hoped I could get through all the events of the weekend. I'd keep my fingers crossed too though.

"Excuse me. May I join you?"

A very tall woman was standing in front of me, holding a large cup of coffee. I stood up reflexively, which seemed to give her the wrong idea. I still had to look up into her eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to usurp your space. I can find somewhere else to sit."

"No, no, it's totally fine. Please sit. I was only standing to be polite."

"Oh, a gentleman?" She smiled playfully.

I shrugged. "I try."

We sat. She folded herself up, crossing her long, long legs and then resting her elbows on her knee, holding her coffee cup loosely. She wasn't beautiful or even especially pretty, but she had something that made her attractive. Or would have, had I been at all interested in any woman.

"Paul," I said, extending my hand.

"Colleen," she replied, taking it in her long, cool fingers.

"Pleasure to meet you."

"Same here." She flashed her conspiratorial smile again. Her teeth were white and even.

"Do you live here?"

"That's a new one."

"I did consider asking if you came here often."

Colleen laughed. I liked her laugh. It felt honest.

"No, just visiting. I take it you're not a native either?"

"I'm in town for a wedding."

Her face lit up. "Me too! My nephew's. Should be a lot of fun. I'm told there's loads of drama on the bride's side, so we might get some fireworks with this one!"

"Oh, do tell." There couldn't be that many weddings in this small city, particularly with drama on the bride's side.

"Apparently her mom took up with an old flame years ago and the dad threw her out of the house. Hasn't had anything to do with her since. Everyone's walking on eggshells around the dad because he once attempted suicide over the divorce. Supposedly he's a super nice guy, but very, very fragile. The mom has been medicated for years because of her guilt. Depression, I think. This will be the first time they've seen each other since they split 15 years ago."

Wow. Fragile. Very fragile even. I didn't especially like how I was being seen. Not entirely wrong, but not the whole story either. I've never been one to let things fester, so I smiled gamely at her.

"So you're Roy's aunt?"

Her eyes got wide and she started, nearly dropping her coffee. "Yes. His father's sister. That's your wedding too, isn't it?"

"Yup. I'm the very, very fragile father of the bride."

I've never seen anyone blush so quickly and so brightly. She put her free hand against her mouth.

"I am SO sorry. I can be careless sometimes. Clearly. I don't mean anything by it. Really."

I smiled at her again. I liked her. No pretense at all.

"I know you didn't. And you're not completely wrong, I guess. Though it's only been 13 years, and I never attempted suicide. I suspect what you heard about was in reality just a very, very drunk night. Not my finest moment."

Colleen had large brown eyes, very expressive, and at that moment they were expressing both a lot of mortification for her and a lot of sympathy for me.

"I'm so embarrassed. Can you forgive me?"

"Nothing to forgive. But thank you regardless."

"I hate to ask, but given what I've heard, are you okay? This wedding isn't going to be too stressful for you, is it?"

"I guess we'll find out. It's true I haven't seen my ex-wife since the day she chose her lover over me, and I don't relish seeing her again. But I won't ruin my daughter's wedding."

"Christi is such a doll. Our whole family absolutely loves her. And she really loves you. Some of the things Steve tells me about you and her are amazing. Not that you can believe everything brothers say, you know."

Honest and a sense of humor.

"Christi is a very special young woman. I demanded far too much from her growing up, but we were a single-parent household and that parent was emotionally compromised." Colleen wasn't the only one who did honesty.

Colleen's sympathy shone through her eyes, and she patted my arm gently. "I'm sorry for your pain, Paul."

I don't know why, but that choked me up a little. I could barely manage saying, "Thanks."

"Well, if you need a refuge at any time this weekend, come find me. You seem like a good guy, and your references are impeccable." Her comments seemed to amuse herself, and she smiled.

"I appreciate that. I hope that my company would be welcome even if I don't need a refuge."

"Oh, and he flirts too!" Colleen laughed. "Perhaps you're not so fragile."

"My intentions are honorable, madam, I assure you," I said, badly imitating a sophisticated accent.

"How unfortunate," she replied with another smile.

I had to laugh. She was quick.

"Are you here with someone?" I asked.

"No. Like yours, my partner proved unworthy many years ago."

"I'm sorry to hear that. You seem recovered. What's your secret?"

She shrugged. "His behavior, his problem. The betrayal hurt, of course, but it was never about me."

"I can't see it that way. She rejected me after promising she would choose me forever. Forever ended at 16 years. I clearly wasn't good enough. That's pretty personal."

"So she's a liar and a cheat. How does that diminish you? Are you generally proud of your behavior?"

"Generally, yes. I could have done without that fifth of bourbon."

That brought me a bright laugh. I liked to hear Colleen laugh. Everything about her was clear and clean. Honest.

"Then know that you're a good person. Even if you can't hold your liquor." She gave me a sideways smile.

"Seems simple."

"I like simple."

And I liked Colleen. She would make a delightful friend. With my coffee finished, I stood. I needed to get back to the condo and shower before facing my personal gauntlet.

"Colleen, it's been a delight. I look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

"Are you not going to Steve and Clara's tonight?"

"Oh, I'll make an appearance. Not sure how long I'll stay."

She knew exactly what I meant, but she politely ignored it. "I'll see you there."

* * * * *

The rehearsal was at the church, and my anxiety spiked when I saw just seven cars in the parking lot. Not much cover. I had debated whether to be early or late, and decided in the end that late gave me a better chance to avoid inquiries and small talk. I took a deep breath, then opened the door and walked in with purpose.

I went to soft focus, but it took no time at all to see that Kathy wasn't there. Christi and Roy were talking with the minister at the front, Roy's parents were a few steps back in the center aisle, and the six attendants were milling around with their dates a few rows back from them. My heart rate slowed and I walked forward with a little more confidence.

Jason was the first to see me, and his smile lit up my heart. He was one of Roy's groomsmen, and he had been talking to another young man. His girlfriend Jessica was sitting in a pew next to him. She noticed Jason's smile and followed his gaze, waving when she spotted me.

Jason gave me a strong hug, and I leaned over the pew to hug Jessica too. As I pulled back I ran my right hand down her arm and squeezed left hand. I felt something dig into my palm, so I dropped my eyes to look.

She was wearing a diamond solitaire ring. Not only that, she had a matching band above it.

My eyes went to hers, which were wide with alarm, and then to Jason. His face was frozen, just like when I caught him sneaking in after curfew when he was in high school. I raised my eyebrows, looking to his left hand and seeing a plain gold band on his ring finger.

"Later, Dad," he said quietly. "Let's do the rehearsal first."

I nodded. He was right. It could wait. I smiled to dial back any tension.

"Sure. But you're both riding with me to dinner." I squeezed Jessica's hand again and winked at her.

"Daddy!" Christi called.

I gave her a big hug too. "Hi, sweetheart. How are you feeling?"

"Great! So happy you're here." She turned to the minister. "This is Felix. Felix, my father, Paul."

I shook the minister's hand, then Roy's hand too.

"Now that everyone is here, let's go through what's going to happen tomorrow," Felix said.

I relaxed at his words. No one else was expected. A reprieve.

We made short work of the rehearsal. Jason would seat his mother, and I was pleasantly surprised when Christi told everyone that she would sit in the third pew back. I had braced myself to share a pew, but this was better. The attendants got themselves organized and we practiced the procession, with me walking the bride to the altar. We went through the outline of the ceremony, then the bridal party did the recessional. It was all pretty straightforward, and Felix told us we were the easiest rehearsal he'd ever had. I was pretty sure he said that to everyone.

Roy's parents were having a cookout at their house in lieu of a restaurant dinner, and the bridal party was supplemented by all of the out-of-town guests. Jess and I made small talk until Jason finished a brief meeting with the other attendants about decorating the newlyweds' getaway car. I shepherded the kids -- well, the 26-year-old kids anyway -- to my car for the drive to Steve and Clara's house.

"So it looks like I have a new daughter in the family," I said once we were underway. I tried to keep my tone neutral, but I was a bit hurt. "Please explain."

"Well, Grandpa, we kind of needed to move quickly." Jason was riding shotgun with Jess behind me. He was smiling, but I sensed a bit of nerves behind it. Which made my reaction to his reply slow. But I got it after a couple moments.

"Grandpa, is it?" I couldn't help but smile. I did love kids. "A new daughter and now a new baby too?"

"'Fraid so. In a little less than seven months we're going to need a babysitter. Interested?"

"Of course. So when did you get married?"

Jason and Jess exchanged a quick glance. He cleared his throat. "Two weeks ago tomorrow."

"My invitation must have got lost in the mail."

"We went to Vegas. Just the two of us. No one was invited."

"Can I ask why you didn't want your father there?"

"It wasn't just you, Dad. It was everyone. We just didn't want the whole circus."

"The circus?"

"We weren't going to jump through hoops like Christi and Roy. And they've only got one screwed-up family to deal with. Jess's family is even worse than ours. You don't know the whole story about her sister, and her parents are even more hostile than you and Mom. We just wanted a stress-free start to our marriage before the baby gets here."