"Timothy," said Julie, "I'm not handling this affair very well. I'm not good with sexual relationships that aren't based on love. I need to move on. I'm moving out-of-state."
"When, Julie?" Timothy asked with a frog in his throat.
I had never seen an emotion in Timothy before. I was surprised. I really didn't think he cared about me; our affair had a rough start. Although we knew each other for over thirty years, I couldn't read him on an emotional level. What else was new; not being able to read a males emotions or feelings.
Timothy had a sensitive side but I think the circumstances of the affair unnerved us both. I had one of my tantrums this weekend when he went out-of-town and didn't bother telling me during the beginning of the week. He waited until the last minute and then cancelled our plans.
"Sometimes, Timothy, I just feel like chopped liver. I don't like playing second-fiddle. I never have, why should I start at this point in my life?"
"I don't treat you like chopped liver, Julie. I don't mean to. I'm just busy," Timothy added.
Timothy's response didn't sit well with me either. None of his responses ever sat well with me lately. Timothy just didn't understand me. He had his wife, security and his life.
I had Timothy; he was all I thought about.
We hadn't had sex in over a month. I was feeling abandoned, angry, and used. What did I expect? After all, I knew what I was getting into embarking on an affair with an old friend.
From on beginning, Timothy had been honest telling me he wasn't looking for an 'alternative steady relationship.' That's when I should have ended it. Better yet, I should have never gotten involved with him. I loved him as a friend, someone I could trust and somewhat I could rely on when he was around.
Now I wanted more. I wanted a relationship with Timothy.
If a relationship wasn't possible, I thought it was best to just move away. Not just because of him, I needed a better quality of life. Los Angeles had worn me out in so many ways; emotionally, professionally, economically, and health wise. It was time for a change. It was time for a change now.
*** "I'm going to look for a house in Arizona in a few weeks," Julie replied. "There's nothing holding me back. I don't need the hectic lifestyle in Southern California anymore. I can try to have an easier life somewhere else. I could write. I've always wanted to write a novel. I could lesson the stress in my life and enjoy the second half of my life."
Timothy knew Julie had been unsettled for quite awhile. When she quit seeing Randy, he jumped in and made his move. He was jealous of her male relationships although he was married. Then, he listened to Julie meeting with her long-term ex-boyfriend telling him she would marry him so he could move to the United States and be with her.
Timothy didn't have any ties with Julie. He had always loved her, since High School and throughout college. He still loved her. He had a difficult time showing her how much he loved her and dealing with his marriage.
Julie was adorable, wild and wanton. She was intelligent, loving and caring. She looked beautiful, more so for a woman her age. Timothy loved her. He knew he loved her but he was afraid she would never stick around for him. He felt like she would always be looking for more, looking for the perfect guy.
Now was the time for desertion and separation? Julie would leave him.
As Timothy suspected the inevitable was being expressed to him. Julie was going to disappear from his life again. Timothy never wanted to share his true feelings with her but maybe it was too late now.
Julie had made her decisions. "When will you be moving, Julie?" he asked with a lump in his throat again.
"In a few months. Arizona is close enough so I can still visit my elderly mother frequently. She wants me to be settled. Alzheimer's had stabilized over the last few years while Julie had been taking care of her. There wasn't much more she could do for her mother, except be there for her, and be her loving daughter, as she had always been.
But Julie was in a rut living in Los Angeles and involved in an affair. She had gone back to school for her doctorate as a licensed therapist. She could practice anywhere. Jobs were so competitive in Southern California. She could start her own practice in Arizona. It wasn't too late to start over in Arizona.
"I'll visit my mom every month, Timothy," thinking about the discussion she had with her mom.
"Mom, if I don't make a move now, I'll never have a stable future. I need to be able to afford a house, and build up my retirement," said Julie.
"Couldn't Timothy help you buy a house?" mom asked.
"I doubt it. He has more money than he knows what to do with. I could never ask anyone for that kind of help anyways," Julie responded.
*** Julie drove to Arizona a few weeks later. She found a house and went into escrow on a three-bedroom, two-bath house. She rented an office for her new practice. She was settling her affairs in a new location and ready to start a new life, put the past behind, end the affair with Timothy.
As the weeks went by, the sun went down earlier as winter approached; Julie packed up her house bit by bit. She was tormented by the life she was about to embark on and more tormented by the life she was about to put behind.
Julie lived in California all her life. She would miss the good things about Southern California. She would miss Timothy but the affair needed to end or it would go on forever. Julie would never have her own life or future if life continued as it was.
Julie had never been content with casual sexual relationships. She needed love to make love. She needed monogamy. She needed to be in love with the man she was with. A loving relationship needed to be mutual.
