The Sweet Pain

Do you like still and calm water of a lake or the unruly swirls of water flow from a monsoon spring? If you think a little deeper, you may like either of these, depending on your mood. Further, your preference would be influenced by your gender and of course age. Now, tell me what a boy of eighteen of calm nature would prefer? I am sure you now get it.

At eighteen, I was a beast of burden, whose sole purpose in life was to first serve those who had given you shelter and food. Then if I had any time left, I could spend it for myself and that included my studies.

The sole recreation in my life was to play my mouth organ and day dream about a happy future that I might be lucky enough to have and when I would not have to please so many people at a time.

I spent my nights with the constant anxiety of interruptions that could come in any form, be it a cat meowing on the roof which was to be hauled away pronto, lest it disturbed the sleep of the elders or handing over a match box for lighting a cigarette by any of the sleepy elders.

It did not really help me much being an student of excellent academic record with sharp mind and of calm nature. Compulsion forced a boy like me to be in a state of permanent calmness, similar to the behavior of a classic submissive fellow, in such a composed state that was befitting to the character of an spiritually enlightened sage.

My life during that period was like what I have just described. There were lots of things that were to be learnt, understood. Lots of text books were to be studied and the perennial urge to fall in love was to be continuously suppressed.

There were many chores to be done. I did all these without any complaint. It never came in mind that I should have studied more rather than carry out the assigned unpleasant jobs, since I was sent to my maternal uncle's place for the sole purpose of studies only. My father was too poor to support expenses on my studies.

However, the spring certainly arrives after every winter. The flower blooms and its fragrance spreads and the honey bees ultimately find the source of nectar indeed.

"Look, I am still waiting for your answer. May I know the purpose of your visit?" A young woman of my age had opened the door of my friend Tito's residence and uttered these words. I was dumbfounded, I was awestruck! Who this beautiful girl could be? Why I never had seen her?

Suddenly my sixth sense cautioned me to deliver an immediate reply that was expected from me to disprove my mental illness. I came to my sense and tried to spell out a reply through my dry throat, "My name is Arindam and I am a classmate of Tito. I came here to collect my Mathematics notes. Could you please tell him to give me the notes?"

An academic success overhauls a boy's image in a small country town, I had realized sometime back. It sure took some time for me to get accustomed to this new found respect from all and sundry. But I learnt the ropes after surviving a few clumsy situations.

I had expected a reaction from her when I had uttered my name but I sadly realized that there was no reaction although I was famous! While I had learnt not to react on being adulated, as I had gotten sort of accustomed to it, but I did not learn how adjust in case of a reverse situation. I was dismayed to see no visible reaction from her which I had fervently expected. There I learnt a fresh lesson of life.

And then aunt Sulekha, mother of my friend Tito, came out with my note. I took the note from her hand silently and with a nod of thanks proceeded to leave. I might have taken a few steps, when aunt said from behind, "If you have some time to spare, would you like to have a cup of tea before you leave, please? We were just going to have tea. I know you are now heading for your morning tuition".

Indeed I was going to take up tutoring a boy of seventh standard in the neighborhood and after that I would have proceeded straight to the college. Breakfast at my maternal grandfather's home was a word seldom used.One had to get up in the morning to have a breakfast. I could never solve the puzzle, if my maternal side folks slept on till mid-morning to avoid breakfast or to make up their lost sleep due to late night movies.

Sulekha aunt, my friend's mother was a sharp and decent lady. She knew that I certainly had nothing much to boast of, in terms of the morning breakfast, but she would never mention it. While I retraced enthusiastically with a smile to get seated in their drawing room, aunt hurriedly moved to the kitchen, probably to put the cold kettle in the oven.

While I waited on, I started to look into my notes, got immediately attracted to an unfinished problem which I had not been able to solve earlier, suddenly I got a clue out of the blue, opened my pen and started to solve it then and there. The path of light of sudden realization could be lost if I postponed it, I feared. Here I would like to mention that in any unresolved issue, a rethinking with a clean slate, on that issue at a later instant usually helps.

While I got engrossed in solving the problem, Sulekha aunt appeared with a cup of tea, a couple of toasts and an omelette. By this time I was almost finished with the problem. My face must have showed the euphoria because of solving a seemingly difficult problem, when I looked at Sulekha aunt.

She, displaying an all knowing indulgent smile in her face said nothing. Now I was too ashamed to say thanks, but I nevertheless looked at her eyes with a silent gesture of gratitude. I was hungry, damn hungry and the meager food was finished in a whisker. With my stomach agreeing with this unexpected feast, I contentedly proceeded to have the hot cup of tea. All throughout, she stood by my side with that happy smile which a loving mother's face shows, while feeding her hungry child!

While savoring the delicious breakfast, it suddenly came in my mind to ask about the young woman I had just seen for which, while taking the last sip of the tea, I looked at the aunt and suddenly all my enthusiasm evaporated.

She was looking at me curiously with a tinge of mystery and intrigue. I somehow felt that she already knew what I wanted to ask. I decided not to ask her at that juncture. Mothers are always like that. A mother knows what the child is going to ask her before the child opens his mouth. I was sure she would tell, if she thought it necessary to tell me about this young lady.

When I got up, she called, "Nanda, come here."

The beautiful nymph appeared tentatively and now my heart started to beat asynchronously. I could not fathom the reason that her appearance could cause such hara-kiri in my body and soul! Aunt introduced her, "Anirban, this is my niece, my sister's daughter. She will now stay with us. She has joined the Arts section in your college in the same class. In the college, I would like you and Tito to take care of her well-being."

While I gave an affirmative nod, Nanda without saying anything, made a gesture of helplessness as if to contradict her aunt's opinion. She probably thought that she was old and mature enough to take care of herself.

How do I describe her? She was the epitome of all the qualities one wishes to see in a woman. Her face was flawless, eyes sharp and sparkling, her thin curved lips, big black eyes and long dark hair, all these combined to make a classic Indian beauty that can be found one in a million! I stared at her for a minute to enjoy that pleasant view and it took a while for me to orient myself. Stupefied, I just gestured a namaskar to the aunt with two folded hands joining both the palms near my chest and rushed out as I was not in my control and could have said something foolish if I had stayed any longer.

While leaving I am not sure if I blushed, but I did not miss the brief laugh from a sonorous voice, which was certainly not of aunt. Perhaps the young lady thought of the awkwardness of a shy young man in late teens who could not meet with the eyes of a young lady and stay calm.

For the next few days I was quite busy and could not go to Tito's home. With various daily chores along with my tuition and studies, to be performed, I was really busy. But whenever I had some time to myself, a good feeling would spread my body and Nanda's face would be before my eyes. I really did not know how to communicate my feelings to her, for I was too afraid of rejection. I knew I did not have anything much to offer her compared to the other boys from well to do families.

During literature classes all the students of Arts, Science and Commerce streams would assemble together. I started to look forward to attend these classes just to have glimpses of her. While she did not directly acknowledge this eagerness of mine, which must be evident to her, she usually made it a point to sit in the corner of the girls' bench, which helped me to see her without obstruction. I would reach the class early to take a corner front bench from where I could see her without any obstruction. Also, Tito being almost my constant companion in college, I got an occasional nod or a smile from her, whenever we happened to see her in the college corridor.

Without my conscious effort, Nanda became the sole object of my thought process. I knew all her sarees, blouses, purses, her sleepers, cardigans, umbrellas. In the late evenings, when I would get some time to break my busy schedule, I would sit in a lonely place and play my Kohinoor mouth organ. Playing the mouth organ was my hobby and my close friends told me that I played reasonably well. Whenever I played the instrument, I imagined that Nanda was sitting beside me and listening to the tunes I was playing. I felt good.

When our professor discussed about Walt Whitman's "O' Captain! My Captain!" or Shelley's "Ozymandias of Egypt", the entire classroom would listen with rapt attention. My mind would transgress and I would imagine myself on the local river beach with Nanda holding my hand! If any student stood up to ask a question, while all the class would look at the questioner, I would take the opportunity to look at Nanda. Nanda's eyes would invariably end up to meet mine. The reaction in the initial days I saw a frown in her face however after some time it improved to a stoned face, without any recognition of meeting eyes but ultimately my heart beat started skipping on those days when definitely I saw a smile in her lips!

There was another reason for not visiting Tito's place. Somehow I had a feeling that Sulekha aunt could read my mind about my feelings towards Nanda. I really did not want anyone to know about my secret infatuation to Nanda. I almost stopped my visits to their home. Once in a while Sulekha aunt would invite me for dinner; I would go and return as soon as possible. Gone were the days when I would spend hours at their home playing indoor games or gossiping.

It was a rainy day in our literature class when I saw a plastic folder lying on the floor near the girls' benches at the end of the class. Someone might have brought some important papers in the air tight opaque folder lest these get wet in rain. I was usually the last of the students to move out of the class. Without much curiosity I took the folder and kept inside my carry bag to check the papers for ownership later. As was my wont, I totally forgot about the papers.

The rain was continuing till late evening. I was studying after my daily chores, I heard a knock in the door. No one would open it, everybody was in their bed. I opened the door. I found Tito was standing fully drenched. He told me in a low voice, "I will not enter your house, I am totally soaked. Umbrella is not helping much. It is raining heavily."

I asked him, "What happened?"

"Nanda had taken all her original certificates to college for applying for University migration. As the clerk was on leave today, she could not submit the papers. After her classes she suddenly realized that her certificates were missing. She checked every nook and corner of the classrooms she had visited, girls' common room and all other probable places, but she could not find her certificates. For duplicate certificates now she has to go to the University which is time consuming and lot of hassles are involved. She has been crying since she came back from college. At her insistence that I should take you and search the classrooms again, I have come to you. Will you accompany me to check the rooms once again, I have promised her. She is afraid, the cleaners could put these papers in the dustbin tomorrow morning. My parents are also not aware of this development as they have left today afternoon to attend a family function and would not return today."

"OK, I will accompany you. Let me bring an umbrella and a lock to close the door from out side. I dare not awake any of my elders at this hour to close the door."

When I entered my room to pick up the umbrella, I suddenly saw my carry bag and I then recollected to have picked up a plastic folder in the class room earlier. I rushed to open the bag and indeed all her certificates were there in the folder. I picked up the folder and came out.

I told Tito," Look, Here is Nanda's folder with all her certificates. While leaving English class I saw a thick folder and without much thought I picked it up to check later and then totally forgot to check it later. I am sorry for my forgetfulness, it was totally unintentional."

Tito suddenly became emotional and told me," How could you think we will think this way. We all know your character. What a great student you are, whereas I am just a mediocre student. Even then you have never showed off and always been helping me with my studies. My mother openly tells me to emulate your character. My father tells everybody about your struggle. Every one knows about your maternal uncles in this town."

I replied with resignation, "I am sorry. It was not my intention to hurt you."

While we started to walk in the rain, he continued, "Even Nanda appears to have a soft corner for you. Whenever we two are alone together, she would indirectly ask about you. She drops your name in our discussions in an oblique manner, but I am no child, I know what she actually wants to hear."

This was a news to me. Outwardly Nanda never showed any interest in me, but my heart was now fluttering upon hearing this piece of information. I kept silent and together we walked to his home. It was almost midnight by then and upon knocking Nanda appeared by the door with a swollen face.

She looked at my eyes and in an angry voice charged me, "What took you so long?"

Tito replied, "We came early in fact, as we did not have to go to the college to search for your certificates."

Sternly Nanda snapped him, "Go to your bathroom, dry yourself, there is a pajama inside. I have something to talk to your bosom friend. Now, don't bother if he is wet. When you are finished, you will find us in my room. You may knock the door when you enter my room."

Perplexed, Tito looked at both of us and then rushed to his room and immediately we got the sound of bathroom door closing.

"Don't worry, uncle and aunt are out of the town to attend a marriage today," she told me and promptly took hold my forearm and pulled me to her room. When we entered her room she caught hold of my vest and pulled me. I was a hairy person and she unknowingly had pulled some of my chest hairs. I must have cried an expression of pain, as she relaxed her grip, released my hairs, but hung on to my vest and shirt.

She hissed, "What took you so long?"

I was perplexed, "What took so long?"

She was clearly exasperated. "You have forgotten to check out the plastic folder, is not it?"

I plainly replied, "Yes, I got busy and I forgot, but how do you know that I had picked it up?"

"I have observed you to leave the class later than others. I left the folder intentionally so that you would see it, pick it up and bring it to our home when my uncle and aunt would be out. That would give you an opportunity to speak out your mind. Later I went back to the class and when I did not see my folder I assumed that you must have picked up the folder. Now, I see that you indeed picked up but did not bother to come and return me the folder. I thought that you are not that inclined to me."

"How do I make it up for my forgetfulness? I have not been visiting your place for the fear that the aunt would be able to sense my weakness towards you. Now, I got an opportunity, but I messed it up due to my negligence. Will you forgive me, please?"

"What a lousy husband you would be! Here I had left all my valuable documents intentionally so that you could pick up and come to our home for a rendezvous but you never even bothered to look at the contents! But Mr. Einstein, I am not going to give up on you on this account. Once I have decided you would marry me, you are bound to be my husband sooner or later. Here let us put some ground rules. I must warn you that it does not entitle you to take any liberty with me till we are married, whenever that happens. But I am at liberty to do anything with you. Unfortunately I don't confer you any such privilege now. Am I clear, Sir?"

Before I could reply yes, there came the kiss! That fragile young lass now forcefully pulled me towards her and grabbed my lips with her lips. I closed my eyes. It lingered on and initially it pleased my lips but gradually my lips started to burn due to such forceful sucking. I was too egoistic to concede a defeat, so I continued to be enjoyed. I don't know if it was ten seconds or ten minutes, but ultimately the door got knocked indeed.

She now released me, but not before warning me, "Now a days even the professors are also noticing that you are looking at me all the times, leave aside the other girls' juicy comments. From tomorrow please change your seat which is worthy of your status and spare me from any further embarrassment. OK. I know you love me, which is fine with me. Don't ever look at any other girl, because I will then not spare you."

Then she commanded, "OK, Tito, come in now."

Tito pushed unlatched door and entered the room. Now I looked at my tigress and meekly told, "I better leave now."

She calmly replied,"It is getting late, you better leave. Come tomorrow morning before the class. Uncle and aunts are coming late."

When I came out of their house, it was still raining. I did not attempt to open the umbrella, but the rain was not good enough to quench the burn of my lips. I would have to bear sweet pain throughout my whole life I realized.