My god did I get pissed last night. That's a statement, not a question. If the throbbing in my head is any indication of my condition I must have been pissed as a newt, blind maggoty drunk. I don't remember which particular poison I drank to arrive at the state I must have been in, but I do remember that at one stage there was a woman involved.
I rolled over and bumped into something soft and it moaned. My eyes couldn't quite focus but there was a woman in my bed, or was I in a woman's bed, I didn't know which but my flight or fight reflexes told me to get the hell out of there. I rolled back to my side of the bed and started to slide out as quietly as I could so as not to wake her but, if the sound I made was as loud to her as it was to me, I didn't stand a chance of making a clean getaway.
"Who the fuck are you, and what are you doing in my bed?" She tried to say but it came out as an almost indecipherable mumble. "Don't leave me." I stopped where I was. Her head rose from the pillow and she tried to focus on me. "What were you pouring into me last night?"
"How the hell do I know, and who are you?"
"I'm someone who'd better get to the bathroom in a hurry or you'll be wearing whatever it was that you forced down my throat." She scrambled out of the bed and sprinted out of the room. There was a loud thumping noise. "Fuck! That's not where I left the toilet!" This was followed by the sound of her trying another door that must have been the right one because the next sound was of her calling for her friends Ruth and Herc (this is the sound you make when you're throwing your guts down the toilet).
I stumbled from the bed and checked the clothes hanging in the closet, it was my hotel room. Breathing a sigh of relief I dragged out clean underwear and socks, a shirt and trousers. I noticed an I Pad and switched it on, checking the activities programmed into today's schedule. Jesus! I was supposed to be in a meeting in half an hour, there was no way that I could make it so I dialled the contact number listed against the appointment. "Hello, it's Mike Saunders, I can't make the meeting this morning. Is there a possibility of rescheduling it?"
"I'm sorry Mr. Saunders, but the meeting has been cancelled."
"What do you mean it's been cancelled?"
"It was cancelled because the company has been sold."
"What? The company's been sold?"
"Yes, don't you remember? There was a terrible argument over the sale."
"Oh, there was an argument you say, probably between me and Peter over the sale. Why doesn't that surprise me? And because he was the Board Chairman and had the majority shareholding he over-ruled my objections and the sale went ahead."
"Yes, I'm afraid you were very angry and told him to stick his sale as far as possible up his big fat arse."
"I told him that did I?"
"Yes sir, I'm afraid you did. That was when you threw the glass at him and stormed out."
"Did I hit him?"
"No sir, you missed, but you did break a window."
"Shit I must have been angry if I missed old Lardarse."
There was a noise behind me and I turned to see a very bedraggled, but otherwise not bad looking woman, swaying in the breeze and hanging on to the door jamb for support. "That was better out than in. Did we have corn last night? I don't remember having any corn but it was there."
"You're asking me what we ate last night. I don't even remember last night or how you ended up in my bed."
"Oh, it's your bed." She looked at me as if trying to decide whether to make a grab for her clothes and head back to the bathroom to change, or to try for breakfast first. Then a worried look came over her face. "Did we? You know what. . ." She felt between her legs. "Oh fuck we did."
I felt my pubes and there were traces of dried come matting them together. "I guess that we must have, I hope we enjoyed it?"
"So that's all you can think of, whether we, and by that you mean you, enjoyed it. I have no recollection of having sex with you or anyone else, but what I do know is that we obviously took no precautions and I can't remember whether I'm on the pill or not." She found her handbag where it had been kicked under the bed and rummaged through it, pulling out a contraceptive package. "What's the date today?"
"How the fuck do I know. No wait, I'll start that again. I'm sorry, but I really don't know. Wait," I looked at my I Pad again. "It's Saturday the fourteenth, shit that means that yesterday was Friday the thirteenth, it couldn't have been more appropriate." Memories were beginning to surface, not happy memories, what had I done? "I'm Mike by the way, Mike Saunders, and you are?"
"Millie Dawson. You don't remember much of last night do you?"
"I don't remember anything of last night. Are you married and have I left you to explain to an anxious husband why you weren't sharing the conjugal bed last night?"
"No, you don't have to worry about that."
"Just how did we meet? I assume that I met you last night and that you're not a friend of long standing that I'm insulting by not remembering."