The Picture

It never occurred to me that a picture on my desk would change my life so drastically. But I suppose that's the way life really is: the small things sometimes make the biggest difference.

I was preparing for the day's practice of coaching girl's basketball at Stoneridge High School. I was in my office reviewing some scouting reports and set plays that I wanted to work on while I waited for the girls to troop in from their last class of the day and get changed into their gear.

As was typical, I had a few players hanging around in my office. The door was always left open and my office was in the middle of a well-traveled corridor in the athletic department as I was constantly mindful of people getting the wrong impression. I certainly hoped no one thought me capable of anything untoward with my players; they were my family, and the only one I had left.

The picture has always been right where it was since I moved here 3 years ago and took this job. I also teach American and US History, if you're interested. But for some reason it caught the eye of Marisa, my starting point guard. I'm sure she had seen it before, but maybe she had never really looked at it.

"Hey coach, the lady in this picture looks familiar. Who is it?"

I glanced over at her, already knowing which picture she was looking at but wanting to be sure just the same. I briefly pondered telling a little white lie in hopes of avoiding problems down the road, but I quickly dismissed that idea. I had always told my students and my players that telling the truth is the best course of action, because even a small lie will usually require bigger lies down the road.

"That's Jesse Keller and her band."

"Jesse Keller, the singer?"

"Do you know another Jesse Keller, Marisa?"

"Well, no," she giggled. "I just wanted to be sure I heard you right. It doesn't look like a publicity photo. It looks like just a snapshot. Where'd you get it?"

"They gave one to everybody."

'Everybody who?"

"Everybody in the picture, Marisa."

She seemed to realize what I was saying and gazed deeper into the picture. I was really hoping she wouldn't...

"Holy shit, coach, that's you."

Damn it. "Language, Marisa."

"Oh, sorry coach. I was just surprised to see you in a picture with Jesse Keller. How'd that happen? Do you know her? I mean, obviously you know her, but do you know her well?"

"I used to know her, a long time ago. Now can we please drop this subject and get practice started."

"How did you...?"

"Marisa, please. It's personal and I'd appreciate it if you dropped the subject."

"Sure coach. Sorry coach."

With that she headed out to the gym floor. I hoped that would be the end of it, but I wasn't feeling particularly optimistic.

Sure enough, practice was less that successful. I kept catching groups of girls whispering to each other on the sidelines rather than paying attention or running drills with the intensity and crispness they know I expect. It's how we made it to the state semi-finals last year and how we'll make it even farther, hopefully, this year. I suspected that Marisa had been unable to keep my business to herself and the Teenage Girl Gossip Train was steaming down the tracks.

An hour into practice and having accomplished absolutely nothing, I sent the girls to the get a drink and then meet on the bleachers. Once all 12 girls were gathered I got their attention.

"Okay ladies, you've all been completely worthless so far today. Would someone like to tell me what's going on?"

As I would expect of a team leader, Marisa immediately stood up.

"Coach, I'm sorry, but I mentioned to Leslie about the picture and I guess word spread. I had no idea it would be such a distraction and I didn't mean to disrupt practice."

"And?"

"And I shouldn't have talked about your private life. I'm sorry."

They all looked appropriately chastened by how they had allowed this little bit of gossip distract them, but I had done this long enough to know that it would continue to eat at them unless they got the story.

"Okay girls, gather around and I'll tell you what there is to tell, but then I expect you all to work your butts off the rest of the week. Clear?"

They all got big smiles on their faces and moved down the bleachers to where I had taken a seat, a resounding 'yes sir' coming from all 12 voices nearly in unison.

For the rest of practice that day I told them about my prior relationship with Jesse. She sang country music with a pop crossover appeal (think Taylor Swift but with red hair and more meat on her bones). When I first met her she was performing at a local club and I was tending bar as I finished up my college degree.

**********

I wasn't in the market for a girlfriend, finding they were an unnecessary distraction and taker of my already limited free time. So when she asked me to hold her sweater and her purse behind the bar during the show I simply took them, said 'no problem' and went on my way. Sure, I noticed how pretty she was, but I managed to stay unaffected by it. At the time, anyway.

Now, I'm no judge of musical talent but I knew what I liked and I thought she sounded darn good. I was surprised that she hadn't been signed by anyone yet. I guess there are a lot of singers out there and it's just that hard to get noticed.

We interacted a few times during the show when she came to the bar for a drink of water and to check her phone between sets. I was focused on the other customers (a set break always brings a crowd to the bar) but thought perhaps I caught her giving me the eye now and again. I never directly caught her so I assumed it was just my imagination.

When the night was over she came to the bar and collected her things, taking the opportunity to introduce herself.

"Thanks for holding my stuff. I'm Jesse, by the way."

"Henry, and it was no trouble."

"We're all headed over to the diner down the road. You're welcome to join us."

"Thanks, but I got a lot left to do and I have to be up early. Have a good time, though."

If she was disappointed it didn't show. She just shrugged her shoulders, picked her stuff up off the bar, and walked away. I went back to my closing duties and didn't think much else about it.

I kept working in the bar after graduation. I actually enjoyed the job and the extra money came in handy. Jesse and her band (the members changed on occasion) played the club several times and were always popular. For the next two years our interactions were basically the same: I held her stuff behind the bar, we chatted a bit between sets, she got her stuff at the end of the night, and she asked me to join her and the band at the local all-night diner. And I always declined. I really did have things to do, and I was still generally avoiding serious relationships.

Finally the routine changed. It was all the same until the end of the night, when it was time for the traditional invitation to the diner. But that invite didn't come on this night.

"Why don't you like me, Henry?"

"I don't know what you mean, Jess. I like you fine."

"I don't mean like me, Henry. I mean LIKE me."

Oh.

"I don't know you well enough to LIKE you, Jesse. It's not like we've spent a ton of time together talking and getting to know one another."

"And whose fault is that? I've been trying to get you to come out with me for two years, and every time it's 'I got things to do and I have to get up early'."

"Both of which are true. I can't just leave when everyone else does. This is a job. And I teach high school during the week and help my folks with things on weekends."

"Don't you have some kind of social life? Do you date?"

"I haven't dated anyone seriously since my sophomore year in college and my grades tanked. And my social life is just that, my social life, and not for public consumption."

I got the impression that what Jesse wanted, Jesse got, at least normally, so the fact that I wasn't falling down and accepting her invites was something she hadn't had to deal with before very often.

"Where do you teach?"

"Washington High; I teach history and coach JV girl's basketball."

"Do you like it?"

"I love it. It's what I've always wanted to do; the teaching anyway. I coach basketball because they needed someone and I could use the extra money."

"If I wait for you to finish work, will you come with me over to the diner?"

"I have an early..."

"Can't you be late just this once, or do it tomorrow with a little less sleep than you're used to?" she asked, with a hint of exasperation in her voice. "Please."

The bar lights sparkled in her green eyes and there was a sincerity in both her tone and her expression. The truth was that I had always been very attracted to her but had managed to keep that at bay by maintaining a distance from her. And in the past she had accepted that distance and went on her way. But tonight she was standing her ground and my resistance was crumbling.

"It'll take me about an hour to get everything cleaned up and closed down. You still wanta wait?"

"Can I sit in that corner booth while I do?"

I nodded my assent and she took up residence in the booth. I went through my normal cleaning process: wiping down counters, mopping the floor, sanitizing the glasses, restocking the shelves, etc. I glanced at the clock and was done in about 70 minutes; longer than usual. I chalked that up to my occasional glances Jesse's way, which were occasionally met with a smile right back at me.

I let her know I was ready and we headed out the door, which I made sure was locked behind me. I assumed we were headed for the aforementioned diner and started in that direction but she didn't follow me.

"Henry, do you mind if we just take a walk?"

I shrugged and rejoined her. She looped her arm around mine and we walked down the street. I told her about the small engine repair shop my parents owned. My dad worked hard and did okay for himself, but he was tired much of the time and I helped out by taking care of things around the house. Finally his exhaustion worried mom enough to take him to the doctor. He lasted another year before the cancer took him.

Jesse told me about growing up in a family of musicians. Her parents were both members of the local symphony but classical music just wasn't her thing. She had been taking piano and guitar lessons since she was 5 and started voice lessons not long after that. She did perform a few covers because crowds wanted to hear some familiar songs, but she wrote her own stuff and performed several original songs during her shows.

Before I knew it two hours had passed and Jesse and I walked the streets, and we were both getting tired. We made our way back to the bar and I walked her to her car. I had had a wonderful evening and I wanted to see her again, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to try and work a relationship into my already hectic schedule.

I was just pondering whether I should ask her out again when she put her arms around my neck and gave me the sweetest kiss I had ever experienced. It lasted a good 30 seconds before she pulled away. She pulled a piece of paper from her pocket and tucked it into my breast pocket.

"Call me tomorrow. Please."

And with that Jesse climbed into her car and pulled away.

**********

I glanced around at the 12 eager faces hanging on my every word. I had their rapt attention and, teacher that I was, thought to myself that I wished I could get this kind of attention in class.

"So did you call her the next day?"

This from young Leslie, whom Marisa had spilled the beans to earlier that led to my private life being put on display.

"Maybe you'll find out tomorrow. Our time is up and some of you have parents waiting. You'll have to earn more of the story from now on by hustling and working hard. See you tomorrow."

I headed back to my office with the collective groans of the team ringing in my ears, and it felt pretty good.

The next day I was not really surprised when the entire team was dressed and on the floor a good 10 minutes before practice officially started. There had been no visitors in my office beforehand, which was a first I'm pretty sure, and they were already doing calisthenics by the time I made it out there. I waited for them to finish the jumping jacks.

"Excellent, ladies! I'm very impressed with your drive this morning. I can only assume you're all motivated by our goal of a state title this year."

Yeah, I was sure that was it. Is my sarcasm showing?

"C'mon coach. You promised more of the story if we hustled and worked hard and we're keeping up our end," said Vicki.

"All right," I said. "Let's see how bad you want it."

The practice was a rousing success. The girls worked hard and never complained, and I didn't even once have to send someone on laps around the court for lack of effort. I was suitably impressed so I allowed some more time at the end of practice to continue the story.

"So, did you call her the next day?"

"Yes, I did. And it was the kiss that did it. Sure, I had enjoyed my time with her and she was certainly pretty, but that kiss she had given me was something special for the way it made me feel. I still wasn't thinking long term relationship, but I was at least willing to explore the possibility a little bit.

**********

I called Jesse a little after 2:00pm the next day. She offered a hesitant 'hello', but only because she didn't recognize the number on her caller ID. But once I identified myself that Jesse personality shone through loud and clear.

We met up at a nearby Starbucks and spent the rest of the day together. I felt very much at ease with her, something that was foreign to me, though I was aware my experience in serious relationships was minimal by choice. When the evening finally came to an end I felt the emptiness of her presence, and I knew I was hooked.

Suddenly I decided I could take some time off from my busy work schedule. Jesse and I were together whenever we could manage it. If I was working and she wasn't playing then she hung out at the bar with me. If she had a gig and I wasn't working I went to her show, and eventually started helping with the band's gear. Sure, there were plenty of nights when we were both busy, but we always made sure to get on the phone and say good night. The best nights, of course, were the ones where neither of us was working, and we took full advantage of those nights.

There's not much to tell about the everyday life of a relationship. We had a few minor fights but nothing of consequence. We eventually moved in together and that was all that I hoped it would be. There was only one thing hanging over our relationship, and there was nothing really to be done about it.

Jesse wanted to be a star. She wanted a hit record and to hear her songs on the radio; to play in front of thousands of adoring fans rather than dozens. And the truth was that I felt she was talented enough to make it, if only the right person would hear her play. But the problem was that I knew that would tear us apart. I couldn't live that life, and I knew that ultimately nothing was more important to her, and I wasn't at all satisfied when I was proven right.

She and her band were invited to play a festival one weekend. The crowds were huge and there were even some big name acts there. They played a great set, blowing some of the established artists away.

A few nights later they were doing a gig at a local club. It was another great performance, but the difference was that there was an A&R man from a record company in the audience that night. He had seen her at the festival and was doing a follow up visit to make sure she could bring it consistently and in different environments, which she most certainly did.

In one sentence, he broke my heart.

"Miss Keller, we'd like to get some demos recorded and I want to get you signed to a recording contract as soon as possible."

Jesse was over the moon, of course. This was what she had worked her whole life for and it was finally coming true. That picture on my desk was taken right after she gave everyone the news. She was positively glowing, and I was thrilled for her even as I was devastated. If you look at the picture close enough you can see the excitement on her face and the pain on mine. I knew this was the end for us because I knew nothing, not even me, was going to keep her from chasing her dream.

Things started to break up and Jesse was invited to meet up with the rep the next day to go over some details and make some plans. I wanted to be excited for her, I really did, and I didn't want her to see the disappointment in my face, but I apparently did a terrible job. She ran and leapt into my arms, wrapping her legs around me so I could catch her.

"Did you hear that, baby? They want to sign me to a contract!"

"I heard. It's...amazing."

She narrowed her eyes at me and studied my face.

"What's wrong, baby?"

I tried to talk but I couldn't. We had talked about this, of course, and I had told her that I really didn't think I could live like that, but she was convinced that when the time came that our love for each other could overcome anything. But I knew myself better than that. I didn't like to travel. It made me anxious and uncomfortable. Even the short road trips that she and the band took when they went to different cities made me unhappy. Hotels simply gave me the creeps, though I really didn't know why.

She took my face in her hands, kissing me gently on the lips, and then wrapped her arms around me. I think in that moment she knew it was the end for us, though she wasn't going down without a fight.

Even as she met with the rep the next day and kept taking each step toward stardom, she worked on me to go with her. She assured me we could figure it out, that we loved each other and we could make it work somehow. And you know, in the end I agreed to try.

Since it was summer I wasn't teaching, so I took a leave of absence from the bar. We flew out to Los Angeles and met with all sorts of people in the industry. I sat in a hotel or maybe in a spare room at the studio as Jesse chased her dream.

She was busy all the time. If she wasn't recording she was rehearsing or she was writing or she was meeting with someone that could help her career. It was all on the up and up, obviously, but basically it meant there was no time for me at all, except in passing and as a warm body to sleep next to.

I told her how I felt and she said she understood but assured me that it was only this crazy because we were just getting started, and it wouldn't be long before everything settled down to a more normal pace. I wanted to believe her because I loved her so I tried to put up with it a little longer.

Then things started to change. Now it was parties. We had to be seen and mingle with the various powers that be. These were people that we didn't need to know or work with per se, but we needed them to know who Jesse was, to know her name and be able to put a face to it.

If I was uncomfortable with traveling and living in hotels, then what I felt during these parties was worse by a factor of 10. These were rich people, movers and shakers in the recording industry that could make or break careers with a phone call. I was a history teacher from nowhere. I was completely miserable, and was dismayed at how Jesse seemed to eat it all up. She started becoming more like them and less like the girl I fell in love with. I sometimes went entire parties without her speaking to me more than a couple times.

Oh, I could always see where she was. There wasn't any concern about her hooking up with another guy or anything like that. She was simply evolving before my very eyes.