"Wait! Don't go!" I shouted, grabbing her by the wrist as she began to turn away.
"Why shouldn't I? Give me one good reason!" She yelled, pulling her hand away from mine. Her face was faintly pink and her eyes began to swell with tears. Covering her face with her hands, she let out faintly heard sobs. She was always too prideful to be seen crying. But this time her emotions got the best of her. I stood there without motion, stricken with grief and sorrow. Shoving my hands into my pockets I searched for words of comfort. I knew why she shouldn't go but I couldn't bring myself to say it. I suppose my shyness had also gotten the best of me.
We've known each other all our lives, never once keeping anything from one another. Well, except for the one thing that had haunted my mind since the first time I'd laid eyes on her.
Acting on instinct, I wrapped my arms around her, hugging her closely to me. Reluctant at first at being comforted, she pulled away for me, resisting my embrace. But she was too weak, and for once, she was the one that needed comforting. For all of the time that I've known her she had always been a fighter. She never gave in, no matter how vast the pain. But for that one moment, she let down the shield she had worked so hard to build up. For that one moment, she held tightly to me, letting me hold her.
The sounds of her sobs were muffled into my shirt as I held on. I felt as if we were on the edge of a rocky shore and I was the barricade, shielding her from the salty waters. It was almost as if I could smell the strong sea air and hear the powerful waves crashing against the jagged rocks.
But my senses were fooled. We were standing in the living room, our shadows dimly displayed by the crackling flames of the fireplace. As I held her, I glanced upon the harsh consuming flames, lost in the moment. Now the faint sobs have ceased and her head lay against my shoulder. It seemed like hours had passed but the moon still shown brightly against the windowsill.
"Please don't go. I need you here." I whispered softly. She half smiled. Her tears had made her weak, for on her face lay the remnance of sorrow and heartache.
"I would only stay for you James. This wretched town has hated me from the beginning. It was you who welcomed me with open arms." She replied reflectively, recalling the not so pleasant memories of the past.
"They fail t o se the real you Lana. I'm a good judge of character, and as I have seen, you are a good person." I said encouragingly. Removing her head from my shoulder she looked up at me with a weak smile. Her eyes glistened in the firelight.
"You're a good friend James." She said, wrapping her arms around my neck. At that moment, reality hit hard on my clouded mind. I was no longer in my dream world of love, but in my living room with a friend that would never become anything more to me. "Friend", the word was like a glacier against my beating heart. I let out a sigh. Whether it was a sigh of anguish or disappointment, I have not decided.
"Well, I better get going. Mother will have a fit if I'm not home for dinner" she stated, releasing her arms from around my neck.
"I could walk you home. You know, it is pretty dark out there." I replied, glancing out the cold-fogged window.
"Oh James, don't worry. I'm a big girl. " She said in witty voice. Walking over to the couch, she grabbed jacket and hat and quickly put them on. With that, I walked her to the door, secretly leaning foreword to smell her beautiful hair. She always smelled of sweet cinnamon and always seemed to have a habit of running her fingers through her hair. Like all girls, she was nothing short of self-conscious and always insisted that she was "fat". But I loved her for it. In fact, I loved her more than anything in the world.
Suddenly, I felt as if I was somehow losing her, Lana, that is. Without thinking I grabbed hold of her, planting a gentle kiss upon her soft lips. As I held her, I felt no resistance, no pulling away or pleas of release. For those few moments, we stood there in the doorway, locked in a soft kissed and blown upon by the cold but soft winter breeze. After awhile I released her from my gentle grasp, taking one of her hands in mine. Looking down into her eyes, I longed for some sort of comment, some sign. Anything! I was helpless at that moment, lost for words as I stared into her crystal green eyes.
"James…I-I have to go." She finally said, pulling her hand away from mine. Her cheeks and nose where bright pink from the cold but her eyes still glistened beautifully as they always did.
With that, she left. Holding her jacket tightly to her, she headed down the gray empty pavement. At that moment, I felt as if my heart had sunken deep into my throat, choking me with its pressure. I stood there in that doorway, wishing that I hadn't kissed her, but at the same time wishing that she was in my arms.
Later that night I found myself haunted by a terrifying dream. In it I was being chased by a dark shadow. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, I just kept running, trying to escape. I awoke drenched in a cold sweat; my body was shaking in fear. I looked around the room, gasping for air. It felt so real but I quickly returned to the real reality. I looked outside. The snow fluttered down heavily and the wind whipped at the trees with what seemed like a fiery vengeance.
Unable to get back to sleep I slid on my robe and made my way downstairs into the kitchen. Since I am not a very good sleeper, I often find myself making constant trips to the kitchen in the middle of night in search of a snack. In tonight's case, it will be a cup of hot chocolate. Waiting for the water to boil I sat solemnly at the kitchen counter, battling with never ending thoughts of Lana. I was never able to truly get her out of my mind. In a way, it was an addiction.
Soothed by the peaceful bubbling of the boiling water, I began to drift off into a deep sleep, laying my head against the cool marble counter.
The next morning a tapping at the kitchen door awakened me. Startled, I bolted upright, the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. I looked to the door. It was Lana. Quickly I smoothed down my hair and wiped the remittance of the night before from my face and went to open the door.
"Lana? What are you doing here this early?" I said groggily, running my hand over the top of my head once more. She was dressed in a powder blue coat and hat. Her eyes smiled at me.
"This early? James it's two o'clock You didn't fall asleep on the counter again did you?" she replied laughing, her cheeks where red from the cold.
She knew me too well. "Uh, of course not. Hey, why don't you come in? It's freezing out there." I said, quickly changing the subject. Looking around the kitchen, I searched for anything out of place. Since I had just woken up, I didn't have a chance to prepare for Lana's visit. She looked curiously at me.
"Gosh James, it's just me" she said, as she took a seat at the counter. It was like she could read my mind. It was unreal, and on top of it all she acted as if last night hadn't even happened which made me curious.
" I know. It's just-…never mind" I replied, making my way over to the fridge. I turned to her.
"Do you want anything?"
"No thanks I'm fine."
Opening the refrigerator door I searched for something to eat. I grabbed a carton of milk and closed it back. She watched me, running her fingers back through her golden hair.
"So are we still going?" she asked excitedly.
"Going?" I asked in return, unsure of what she was talking about
"Winter Fest!" She replied, looking at me in disbelief. I had completely forgotten.
"Oh, right. Of course we're going." Opening the carton I took a gulp of milk.
"We've been planning this for months! Don't tell me you forgot."
"I've just had a lot on my mind lately." I said softly, running my hand over the back of my neck.
"Oh? Like what?"
At that moment I felt like letting it all out. I wanted to scream out and yell, "You! All I ever think about is you Lana! I love you!" but I knew that wasn't the smartest of moves. Still curious about last night, I decided to ease into that subject instead. I hesitated.
"Lana…last night…when we kissed…did you feel anything?" My eyes were focused on floor. Although I seemed calmed, my heart felt as if it were going to jump straight out of my chest. I swallowed it down. Looking up at her I waited anxiously for her response. I could see that, like me, she was also hesitant. She looked at me.
"I don't know…what do you mean by feel anything?" she asked. I could sense the awkwardness in her voice. I looked into her eyes.
"I mean other than friendship," I asked, my voice trailing off.
"I-… Look James, I have to go. See you tonight?" she replied, grabbing her coat and hat.
"Yeah…tonight." I said, looking at her with longing eyes.
And with that she hurried out the door.
Later that night I began to prepare for the annual "Winter Festival". After I was dressed and ready I looked in the mirror, smoothing over any loose hairs that I had neglected to comb. I ran my hand along my cheeks and chin. I had forgotten to shave but then again I rarely did in the winter.
If I were to describe myself, I would say that I am definitely one of your average guys. I'm about 6 feet. I have blue eyes and shaggy dark brown hair and when I didn't shave I looked about 3 years older than I was.
I don't party, I don't drink and I definitely am not much of a talker. I honestly didn't see the big deal about the Winter Festival, but I guess that was probably the biggest difference between Lana and I. She is what you might call "a social butterfly". It was her who pulled me out of my anti-social shell and dragged me around to every hot spot in town. If it weren't for Lana, I would be sitting on my couch tonight, watching some old movie on HBO.
"Opposites attract". I never understood that until I met her. I often wondered how two, completely different people could be attracted to one another. Lana and I are so different, but I am so in love with her. I don't know. I guess in a way, she captivates me. She's everything inside of me that I wish I could be.
As I pulled up to the club entrance the anxiety within me was on overload. I don't know why I was so nervous, but large crowds of people always freaked me out a little. Next to the door there was a long line of people blocked off by a set of velvet ropes, obviously waiting to get inside. From the looks on their faces, they were anxious, and if I'm not mistaken, extremely cold.
Not wanting to waste anymore time I found the closest parking spot I could and headed towards the entrance. I took slow, relaxed strides, breathing in and out to pump myself up. As I walked passed the long line of people, I heard whispers, more than likely referring to me. "Where does he think he's going?"…Who is that guy?" is what they said. I walked up to the security guard. He was standing directly in front of the club entrance, his arms crossed.
"Name?" He asked, eyeing me with suspicion. His muscular figure was a little intimidating.
" Uh, James Westerly. I'm with Lana Matthews." For a moment I forgot where I was. I looked up at the guard with ease. He scanned the list of allowed club guests quickly, his eyes darting across the page.
"Go ‘head in Mr. Westerly. Have a great time." He said, looking at me with a wink. For some reason I sensed a bit of sarcasm in his voice. As soon as the guard opened the door, the sound of loud blaring music hit my ears. I flinched a little, somewhat surprised. The guard laughed.
"Loud, ain't it?" He yelled, his voice booming.
"Just a tad!" I yelled back, walking into the club.
