The Love Show #13: Expertly Done

Sid

As part of the participant screening process, we examine their history, including childhood, work, current life, and dating. We want to understand what makes them tick and what makes them ick. Our aim is to have a pairing that builds on their respective strengths and weaknesses while trying to avoid grating. Sometimes we will pair a more energetic person with a less energetic so that one can motivate and the other relax. My background in sports team dynamics as well as couples relationships gives a broader outlook than some other people.

For Andy and Sarah, we have two people in technical roles: She's HR, and he's a Project Manager. She's been with her company for a long time, while he'd left Nest and joined his new company this year. I asked why he left them, and he opened his phone and enabled his Frequent Flyer app, passing the gold screen over, "This is why," he stated, and I prodded him. "Bronze is better for relationships," he softly concluded. He was candid, saying "Nest is a great company with great people, and I had good projects, though I was away too much for my last girlfriend. She left me and I knew why, so I knew I had to find a role with much less travel." For me, this showed loyalty to both and deep honesty at the cause of failure.

We take background referees, and we got his ex-colleague Annie who stated, "Some people you are glad to be rid of them and don't miss them, even as they're still not out the door. We miss Andy and I'm glad he's still calling me sometimes. Some people you don't trust, andhe's certainly not one of those as I absolutely trust him," she stated firmly and with a stare that shocked me as normally that stare is a threat, though I knew that for me, it was an unsaid challenge: Is he worthy of you? Albeit it slipped out of my mind quickly.

Sarah's boss was similarly forthcoming, telling Joelle that "If she goes, she's missed. Hopefully not going permanently. If so, it will be with someone who deserves her," though Joelle told me that she had a smile on her face, rather than the stare.

He said that, due to his work, his dating history was slim: the 2-year relationship that was killed by his work, and several other multi-month ones. He had a few long-term female friends, though not so close male friends. He'd tried dating apps and found them a hassle and joked "My favourite dating app is Libby. [Library E-books], She's always got something hot for me." I knew his extra, unsaid meaning, he wanted his head stimulated first which he was explicit about in our discussions: "Win over my head, then my heart.. not necessarily in serial, though head will be leading."

Joelle interviewed Sarah and she said that she "Fished from a small pond," as she's in a small town and "a lazy dater: apps are boring." She wanted someone that she could curl up with, maybe go to a concert or go for a run. "I don't believe in immediate love as trust needs building. Immediate love is actually a lust built on sand," she stated. I don't believe that, as it's not completely true, albeit it can be.

It was interesting, though unsurprising for them, that they both ranked Trust, then Intellect as their most desirable relationship characteristics. Attraction was a lot lower, though they both explained that they considered it a product of the others, and all were cumulative and reinforcing. Some of the other participants ranked Attraction as the top and Intellect near the bottom.

Neither had children, though were open to them. "If they happen, they'll happen," was their outlook. Foremost, they wanted a peer: different, though equal. "She hates vacuuming but loves the dishes. I'll do the vacuuming then, though we'll hopefully take turns in the kitchen," he summarised.

We ask about their attitudes to sex. He replied, "She may be hot, but not on the first night and unlikely on the honeymoon. I want to see how hot she is between the ears before below." This was typically direct and surprised me as most couples do make love on the honeymoon. She said that she dislikes being hit on as it is confronting. She said she certainly wouldn't be naked on the first night and probably not on the honeymoon either, though she made it clear that she's not prudish. This reinforced our opinion of them as slow movers.

They were very honest in their responses and tended to interview-type responses, though some explanations were analogies or metaphors rather than directs. We knew that we were having to earn our responses and sometimes, we had to ponder before follow-ups. She joked that it had been ages since she'd been interviewed.

Both were keen on having someone of similar age and life experience as they like travelling and wanted someone curious. We had thought about pairing Andy with Sally, as his intellect would balance her energy, though we realised that she'd find him draining and dull, while he might think she was coarse and maybe rather dim. Sarah and Andy were different, yet so complimentary: two explorers with different interests and backgrounds, though aligned in values. We thought that they would be slow burners, just hopefully not too slow. If that happens, we are able to help things along.

Joelle

Once we've paired the couples, we take a back seat: we are there in case of emergencies, though we don't get updates from the filming teams unless something really bad happens. The Producer is primarily a disinterested observer as they see and control the filming. They also have to be a coach: oiling the wheels when things stick and helping pull people out of holes. They do need to be able to generate good footage, so sometimes, they will try to add a pinch of chilli to a bland sauce.

The altar is the first time our couples see each other. Sometimes, it's red-hot attraction, occasionally it's frostier than a Polar Bear's fridge. Thankfully, we've only had one altar bail, though we've had a number of near misses. The photos are a challenge for the couples as they have to work out how much, if any, they will kiss, though the Producer will help motivate them.

The wedding night is a major challenge: will they be naked? Will they even share the bed? Will they end up making love? These have to be negotiated. Then there is the honeymoon: two tired couples on a long flight to somewhere amazing. This quickly brings out the similarities and differences. Sometimes, the producer will have to get the spare room ready fast!

When we heard from Sacha that at the airport that she'd gone home after the honeymoon while he was now on his way to Charlotte, we were stunned as this had never happened. He reassured us that this had been suddenly dropped on them and she sounded resigned to the fact, so had gone for familiarity and comfort in order to call him when he was available. Her resignation was tempered with the anticipation of likely heading over to see him at the end of the week, though not back here which is what we'd hoped for.

Having the couples together in The Suites enables their group bonding and we were concerned that she would miss this required step. I offered to call her to discuss, though he said that his read was that her mind was made up, especially as she'd wanted the honeymoon footage, which she wouldn't be able to work on without her kit if she was at The Suites.

During the week, we were concerned about being unable to contact Andy, so Sacha bit the bullet and finally managed to get through, to our relief so we could get a feel for their relationship at the Dinner Party.

Our first sight of her was as she walked through the door, and we were stunned at her attire. People like to really show off at The Dinner Party and she'd definitely made a statement! No lady before had turned up in a running T-shirt, Jeans, and runners, albeit not scruffies. Her attire was skinless and monochromatic and said several things: firstly, Fuck You: I don't want to be here, secondly I really want to be on the sofa on a call to Andy. Her posture was a hard, defiant neutral: completely unthreatening, though it said to the couples, Come to me, rather than I'm here. She's neither shy nor forward and we admired her intro that fronted her solo appearance, plus elegantly stating that she wasn't going in too far discussing things with them as he wasn't here to proffer his views. Saskia and I were impressed at her loyalty to him stating that she wasn't going to put words in his mouth, though we all wondered about the absence of her ring.

We were concerned that her mood was pensive as we'd expected her to be happy at seeing him again and we thought they'd had a bust-up yesterday. The plan was that he'd be in the hangar's office for the link, so it was a surprise to see him hooded and in an aircraft. His eye motion showed that he wasn't focussed at all on the webcam which made us concerned, though her watch buzzing lightened her mood slightly. At the pre-brief, I'd wanted to question him, though Sacha suggested that he'd be better as he's known to them, and he was concerned about her mood, so we ran with that. Unusually for him, his responses were distracted and terse: the wheel was definitely spinning, though the hamster was very elsewhere, I thought!, making us wonder what was up at his end. We were nosy about whether they'd had sex on the honeymoon, so Sally's question was welcome, albeit his distracted and sarcastic answer enlightened nobody and something visibly irked Sarah.

My husband is a pilot and I too, recognised the APU's sound, wondering whether this was the cause of her worry as I now suspected she'd heard it in their calls, though Sid and Saskia were baffled. Their brief exchange confirmed my suspicion, although her murderous face and storm-off shocked us all. We chatted briefly and realised that in going behind her back to get the link, we'd betrayed her trust. As Trust is their highest-ranked characteristic, this spelled trouble for us, though we knew that for her relationship with him, it was the opposite. I suggested to Sacha that I go down to mediate, which he thought that was a terrible idea and it was better that he went down, simply to observe. Sid said that going down would make me the target of her anger, so we stayed in the suite and observed the brides groping to find the cause of her anger and then to calm her down.

For her, the rest of the truncated evening was simply duty. Duty to those who had betrayed her and were undeserving of her, though a duty she felt needed honouring. Sas and I chatted and knew that, for her, tomorrow would be fun and enjoyable, tonight's was food which was simply energy. For us, the dinner is about observing the interactions with the couples, and she could have been the waiter given how engaged she was in the discussions, not that they tried much to pull her in.

We agreed to keep a tighter eye on them in future. Over the next week, the news from Sacha was conflicting: he was getting the videos which was good, though no contact from them which he thought a portent that they were still deciding whether to quit as a couple and he'd decided to let sleeping dogs lie and he told us that he'd decided not to push things at all. Couples quit because their relationship is untenable, though never because their relationship is strong and the relationship with us is untenable. He said the families were being cagey too and thought that was out of loyalty to their kin.

The following week we again suggested to Sacha that one of us visit her and to suggest that she come to The Suites. He relayed her saying that he was likely to be home for only a fortnight before they rejoined the extended group for a debrief. We really thought that connecting with the others would be beneficial, but her description of their intermittent time together was logical given its foundation in his team's experience. Sacha said that his view was that after the link-up, arguing with them would drive a greater wedge between, especially her, and us.

Seeing her come through the door to the Dinner Party was again, a statement that even Sid approved. This time, she wore a tailored, simple dress, accompanied only by a fabric badge over her heart and, again, ringless. The dress radiated subtlety and strength, though not arrogance. She seemed slightly bored by the guys repeating questions, though we knew that neither of them liked repeating themselves, which they had subtly let us know! She kept idly touching the badge and we started wondering what it was, so we asked the camera to zoom in, making us more baffled. "CEN..," mused Sid, "Weird. Dots and circle, ditto. They almost look like some sort of planetary map," he observed, and we knew his wife was into astronomy. "No idea what CEN refers to. She's touching it periodically: maybe it's a holiday gift?" he asked aloud and Sas and I just shrugged.

We were surprised that she seemed to dislike the compilation we played as we were cooing over the stunning scenes, so we quickly asked Sacha. He said that there were better scenes with crowds, though they all had backs of heads, so they were on the floor. Sid said that he thought that Sally's underarm was a cheapo, which we concurred, and likewise, her explanation was very good, albeit it went over Sally's head so far she had a sore neck looking up at it. We were sad that, again she was on the outside of the group and wondered whether this was from her absence at The Suites, though we were happy that she'd hit it off with Lindsay.

Later the next day, the Master Producer called us in a state: Sacha was reporting in from the airport that Sarah hadn't arrived for the reunion and her phone was dead. We were stunned as we had no idea what to suggest, though asked to be kept informed. We were happy that he called back later, advising they'd come mysteriously come through security together, albeit not looking like they knew each other and had completely ignored the camera, with neither phone up. We were clueless as, so just advised him to try again now-later-that-morning and failing that, hit up the families. Our main thought was that Andy was tired and however she'd got airside, they'd decided to head straight to bed, so we were relieved when he'd finally got them mid-morning and they'd agreed to film.

For Sas and I, seeing them walk into the Dinner Party was mixed: her simple dress put the others in their fancy dresses to shame: it radiated style: simple but effective, akin to a fine light from afar that brings you into its orb and even Sid murmured his approval. The corollary was the absence of any jewellery apart from a brooch replacing the badge, and not holding hands, albeit a fingertip apart. This gave us very mixed signals: neither hostility nor closeness, albeit occasional and brief brush indicated more to the latter. From experience, couples are very animated now, though their animation level was akin to coming from a long and tedious meeting. Our experience says that if one person just gives the other a drink without asking, it's not good, so him doing that was worrisome for us and we were concerned, though this was offset when she briefly stroked his hand to acknowledge weird, but positive, we thought.

It was interesting how they handled the incoming couples: politely leading the conversation away from themselves and onto their guests and being honest about preferring to open to the whole group when they were here. "Businesslike and efficient," Sas noted, smiling and again as we realised that they were going to do the them in one hit rather than having to tediously repeat which they hated.

"Very, aren't they," Sid murmured with a hint of his customary sneer, and I just laughed, though we wondered why she playfully scratched his spine upon Sally's arrival, and he flicked hers which seemed to be unpleasant, albeit not unwelcome.

It was great that Lindsay dug out the brooch's background: a gift that Sarah implied was from Andy. From our interviews, these two were big on implied statements so we knew that we might have to work hard when they were talking with us, and the couples would have to run from a standing start.

We were shocked that Sarah make a seemingly hit against Andy about his vows and again, they did their seemingly unpleasant spine touches, then we quickly realised that she'd done a lead for a fun play against him and her brief head touch on his was probably affectionate. "Mixed signals here," I proffered to Sid and Sas, "Looks like leads and plays, not hits and the head-touch.. hmmm." Then another false-hit-cum-play and more weird touches. We were really stumped now: it was obvious she was leading everyone down blind alleys with initial statements, then going hard away with the conclusions and everyone was working hard to chase their punchlines-cum-meanings.

"These painful?" Sas questioned, "Dings. Weird. If they're painful, we'd expect a bad reaction?" she continued, "Seems the opposite?" she shrugged as we repeated her stumped shrugs back, though it was fun to see her lead and then lose Sally after that base question to him when he was in the aircraft.

"They're sending signals, we just can't read them?" Sid mused and we agreed.

When she responded to Tony's question about Patagonia, I asked aloud "Why's she talking about the runway?" as this is what my husband's first response to my question tends to be: describing the runway, not the city! And I wondered what knowledge she'd picked up while away. Her later idle comment about warming up made Sas and I wonder: was the hotel cold or were they alluding to something else? Again, more signals albeit ones we barely read, or at all.

"We've got plenty to ask tomorrow," Sid mused, and we smiled. Trying to get unencrypted answers would be our challenge, though.

Sas and I were happy that someone, Lindsay, went for the elephant: the brooch and the response left even Sid open-mouthed. However much she'd hit it off with Andy, and we were leaning towards the A lot option in the absence of evidence towards Not at all or Hates him ones, she'd hit it off with his group and, more importantly, the two Pilots.

"Ah, Star: but you can't see PC: she's a red dwarf: Alpha and Beta Centauri are visible though: they're markers for the Southern Cross," Sid observed, stumping us.

We noticed that, when talking about Patagonia, he was very quiet, and she was doing about 80% of the talking which we thought unusual. At the Expert Day, I asked him why he didn't answer much. He looked directly at us and replied softly, "I know the guys well. There was, and is, nobody there," he briefly tapped her leg, "that I don't absolutely trust." Another signal, and an obvious one, I realised. "It was a very good, though normal Down. Sarah's the best judge of how things are there as she's never been before. If you want an honest opinion, it's hers, not mine," he concluded as she playfully nudged him. I knew that was typical of him: intellectual honesty, even if it meant deprecation.

Sid

The idea that the kids were treated as peers was surprising and initially weird, especially that they were let free for a whole night, though with implied parameters. Though, once I reflected, I realised that they were exhibiting an extreme form of bottom-up leadership including when Miss Weasel had decided to mentor Sarah so both could learn together, and Sarah would start to connect with the group. Politeness and respect imbue a team motivated to produce extremely effective knowledge sharing where even the youngest child knows similar amounts as a middle-ager. We realised that some of the couples could learn a lot from Sarah's impartations, though they were going over the heads of the needy.

Joelle

The response was very interesting in its honesty, though expected from them as they could be incredibly honest and self-aware, albeit expressed very modestly. Their brief touches were reinforcement and communication: something we now knew that you need to understand in order to read and there was a lot of them, though minimal verbals. This showed that their connection is far deeper than we had thought and while we could see, others still didn't.