The excuse I had used yesterday about being ill proved to be useful today, although I doubted I even needed an excuse to lie in bed as I had been doing since I returned from my afternoon with Tripp. I was a train wreck, and everyone could see it.
"Are you sure there's nothing I can get for you?" my mom asked in that sweet, caring voice mothers use when their children are sick.
"Yes, I just want to lie here," I said, half-groaning, wedged between my pillow and the covers of the bed. In all honesty, I would have been content lying there for the rest of my life. I never wanted to get out of bed again, especially while at this ranch, where I could run into Tripp or see him wherever I went. The only safe place I knew to stay was here in the cabin.
I didn't even open the curtain to look outside, as I usually did in the morning. Looking at the ranch, where I had spent the day with him yesterday, would be too difficult. So while my family went out to eat and subsequently enjoy whatever activities they had planned for the day, I wallowed in my own misery and stayed in bed, trying to think about something, anything, but that kiss in the barn.
My mom came back to check on me every hour and she brought me food throughout the day, which I only picked at, having almost completely lost my appetite. Later, Lucy stayed and played a few games of chess with me. My family thought I was still suffering from yesterday's pretend ailment, which consisted of a particularly gnarly headache. Today, I wasn't sure how pretend the headache was. I tried to distract myself by reading, knitting and periodically sleeping when I could. There wasn't a lot to do in a cabin with no computer and no TV... other than think of Tripp. Tripp Carson...
It was around six when my family left for dinner after a long day of god knows what. I knew I should have gone with them. I couldn't very well sit in this cabin for the rest of the trip, hiding under the covers, but I didn't want to see him yet.
His words from yesterday reverberated in my head. I knew he had felt exactly what I had, and I began to think that he may have been right. If I left this ranch at the end of next week without acting on whatever this was between us, I would have 'what ifs' for the rest of my life. What would be worse: being with him and then having to leave him...or leaving after never having been with him at all?
Once I asked myself the question, I was surprised how easily the answer came. Suddenly I didn't just want to see him, I had to see him. I threw the quilt off of me and got out of bed, immediately beginning to pace as soon as my feet hit the floor. Should I go out to the Lodge tonight? Would he be there? Would I be able to talk to him alone? What would I say? I want you? I need you? How do I go about this? What about my family? They thought I was sick. They'd be watching my every move.
I decided to take a shower while trying to collect the screaming thoughts whirling around in my head. Going to the Lodge wouldn't be a good idea. There would be so many people there, and I didn't think I could handle the awkwardness in that kind of setting. Maybe it would be best to wait until tomorrow, when I could seek him out on the ranch. Perhaps then I could simply pull him aside...
Yes, I would wait until tomorrow before confronting him. I didn't want to seem desperate anyway, so wasn't it best to give it a couple of days and at least try and play hard-to-get? I wasn't cooling down however; the more I thought of him, the more I wanted him. Tomorrow might as well have been a thousand years away.
Later, I lay in bed as my family came home from the Lodge. They all came in to check on me before getting ready to go to sleep, asking how I was feeling in their soft, tired voices that were laced with concern. I told them I was doing much better, which seemed to hearten them. If I was going to be going out tomorrow, then I needed them to believe I wasn't sick anymore.
Trying to go to sleep, my eyes were closed as Lucy sat on her bed, brushing through her hair and chatting away. I drowned her out for the most part.
"Lucy, do you mind? I'm trying to get some rest," I said groggily. The quicker I forced myself into unconsciousness, the quicker tomorrow would come.
"Oh...sorry, I guess I should let you sleep. I'm pretty tired myself," she said as she started to get under the covers. "Oh hey, I saw that cute guy at the Lodge tonight."
My ears perked up and suddenly I was hanging on to her every word. There was only one guy at this ranch that Lucy had deemed attractive. "What guy?" I asked, trying to sound sleepy and slightly annoyed, as though I didn't care.
"You know, the hot cowboy from the other day...Tripp, right? Saw him for a few minutes while we were dancing and stuff. He came in looking really pissed off, like he was angry."
My mind raced. I couldn't help but wonder where that anger stemmed from. "So? What's the big deal?" I asked, trying not to give away my interest.
"Well he sat down at the bar and another guy came and sat down next to him. I wasn't watching the whole time cause I was busy talking to this other girl. Her name's Georgette by the way and she's from Georgia. Isn't that funny? Georgette from Georgia! She's sixteen so she's my age, and she was telling me about how..."
"Lucy...what does this have to do with Tripp?" Sometimes I wanted to strangle my sister.
"Oh right! Well the next thing I saw when I looked over was Tripp had the guy by his collar slammed up against the bar, ready to knock the crap out of him. He would have too if Jack Waterman hadn't run over there when he saw it. Tripp stormed out after Mr. Waterman broke it up."
"He must have been pretty upset about something..." I said airily, telling it more to myself than to Lucy.
"Yeah...he looked like he was ready to tear in to anyone who got in his way...kind of like the way Luke was at first when Susan broke up with him."
The image of my brother's angry grief floated into my mind. We couldn't go near him for two weeks after his college girlfriend had broken it off one summer; he would bite off our heads for simply talking to him. Was it our encounter yesterday that had Tripp so angry? The behavior seemed out of character for the carefree, teasing cowboy I had ridden with through the pastures of the ranch.
Lucy chatted a bit more before falling asleep. I didn't hear anything she said as I lay there, feeling as though I had been hit by a semi. Soon, I realized that I wasn't going to be able to rest...I needed to see Tripp, I ached for him. After a half hour, when the room was filled with Lucy's soft snores, I had an idea, but it was risky. At that point though I didn't care, and I grabbed my cell phone off the nightstand and looked at the time. It was around ten, still pretty early. I didn't know if the rest of my family were asleep yet or not. I didn't even know if Tripp would be home at this time. As angry as he'd been, he may have gone off somewhere and gotten drunk for all I knew.
I did know though that I had to do something. I couldn't sit in this bed any longer, but it was extremely difficult trying to get up the courage to get dressed, and walk out of the cabin. The realization came that it wasn't my family I was worried about, it was facing Tripp. In the end, my desperate need to see him won out over my fear.
We both felt the agony of yesterday. I took it out by lying in bed all day, holing myself up in solitaire. He took it out by almost creaming someone who happened to rub him the wrong way. Instinctively, I knew he was going through the same hell I was, especially after the way he watched me run out of the stables yesterday.
Lucy's breathing was heavy with sleep as I tiptoed around the room, slipping a lavender sundress over my head. In the main room, which was empty, I quietly brushed through my hair while checking my appearance in the mirror. I must be crazy, I thought to myself as I softly opened the door and crept out into the cool night. Normally, I might have been cold, but now my face was flushed with the thought of what I was going to do.
Once outside, I briskly walked behind the cabin, and somehow in the dark, I found the creek that Tripp had showed me yesterday. As I followed the water, I tried to calm myself by thinking of what I might say to him. Nothing came to me. What was I doing?
It wasn't a long walk. I don't know whether I was happy or utterly terrified to see light coming from his cabin, confirming he was not only in there, but awake. My heart had been racing since I had stepped out of bed, but now I was sure that it was about to break out of my chest and start running through the grass.
Do it. Do it before you lose your nerve, I told myself harshly as I stood on his porch, my nose all of three inches away from the front door.
Before I knew it, my hand rasped on the wooden entrance to the cabin, probably a little too harshly - a result of the immense amount of adrenaline coursing through my body. As soon as I heard the sound of my fist knocking, I cried inside my head, cursing myself for what I was doing. For a split second, I thought about running. Too late...
The first thing to greet my eyes as the door swung open was a massive amount of rock-hard, bare chest. A light shading of hair ran down the center, only to disappear into a pair of faded jeans that were zipped, but had the top button undone. I was reminded of the first night I saw him, atop his mustang, clad only in boots, jeans and a cowboy hat. What I had seen that night stood before me now in more detail than I could have ever wished for. It was an image that would be branded into my mind forever. I felt a dampness between my legs, and heat spread throughout my entire body.
My eyes traveled upwards and latched onto his, which at first held a look of surprise before turning quizzical, and then finally understanding, after seeing the burning desire in my own gaze. He didn't say anything, but he stepped back a couple feet and moved aside, giving me room to walk into the cabin.
I knew once I entered, there would be no turning back. Knowing what was waiting for me inside though was more than enough to push me through the door. The inside of his cabin looked similar to the one I was staying in, except you could tell that somebody actually lived in it full-time. There was a large fireplace in the center of the room with a big wooly rug in front that covered the hardwood flooring. A small loveseat and a couple of chairs surrounded the lit fire and mantelpiece, which from what I could see held a few framed photos and what looked like a football trophy. The kitchen was to the left as you walked in, and on the right was a large door which I assumed led to the bedroom.
It registered that I was in his cabin, and I grew scared as I turned to him. He was staring at me with a hard look of stark need as he stood against the back of the loveseat, facing away from the fire with his arms crossed. His eyes roamed over me, but I could tell that he was not going to make a move, and was instead going to wait patiently until I made myself clear.
I was the one who had gone there that night, I was the one taking the initiative. I looked at him with a pleading in my eyes, as if begging him not to make me feel this way...as if he could do anything about it.
"I'm going back to California in a week and a half." I blurted it out, not knowing where it had come from. I was more telling it to myself than to him, trying to reason with my emotions.
