"And somehow that insight brought her, immediately, to repentance for that particular wrong she had done, repentance with great sorrow. The victim—the other victim—had to untie Sam and take off her gag. She said Sam hadn't been crying from being raped, the way she had, but that Sam was crying by the time she finished saying that she was guilty and that she was sorry for what she had done. I don't know how much of the rest was immediate. But after those—um. I don't willingly use the kind of language, name-calling, that comes to me. After the rapists made their second attempt and were caught in the act, and after the trial about a week later, then a few days after that she came to me.
"I hadn't told you, but I mentioned it in saying what I was thankful for. For more than three years, Sam had made it a mission of hers to make my life miserable, and I'm not exaggerating at all when I say that. It was flagrant enough that every single one of the four hundred plus in our class at least knew that she was always after me for no reason, and some of them saw a lot of it. But—I'm still going to leave out details here. But for complicated reasons, she very suddenly was faced with the fact that she was doing it because she had fallen in love with me, and resented that. If you ever meet her, you can ask her about that part if you want, and she's likely to tell you.
"But anyway, the very next night after that, there were the rapes, and she kind of fell apart, and it showed. She was unnaturally quiet, and not entirely functional. She spoke politely and respectfully to everyone, when she had to speak. A couple of times in class, one of the teachers or another told her to respond to something I said, and she was polite and respectful even to me.
"So anyway, after the trial, she came to me, at supper, when I was sitting with friends and surrounded by lots of other people at nearby tables. And she politely asked whether she could speak with me. When I asked where she wanted to go to talk, she said that we would have to arrange later to talk about things we needed to say in private, but that right then she had something to say that others should hear as well. And she confessed at some length what she had done to me for three years, saying she had known all along that it was wrong but not cared. She said very clearly that it was wrong, that it had hurt me and that she had intended it to hurt me, and that she couldn't do anything to take that back. She said that all she could do was say that she truly was sorry and ask me to forgive her. And I did. She was crying as she finished up.
"I was very nearly in tears myself. Maybe I really was in tears. But where, with anyone else, I would have hugged her and tried to comfort her, I had to struggle to make myself go to her and take her hands in mine. I had told her many times, that if she would come to me and honestly discuss whatever she had against me, I would honestly discuss it with her. And I had longed for this.
"When we did get together to talk, I confessed my own hardness of heart, and asked to offer her the hug at that point. And I was having to force myself, and I couldn't seem to hold her more than half a minute or so before I was stepping back. Anyway. We agreed that I had forgiven her, completely, and that she understood that my difficulty in any kind of intimate contact with her wasn't deliberate. It hurt her, though.
"And things got weirder. I know I told you that the school devoted a whole week, full time, to hands-on sex ed. Anyway, Sam and I were assigned to each other. And I just plain couldn't respond to her, sexually. Physically just dead in that department. And Sam is beautiful, and I admired her tremendously for the courage she had been showing.
"I did my best for her. Um. Ignoring all the details: my instructor came up with something that broke through my problems, and from there on we had quite a week.
"Anyway, you'd heard enough about this that I thought you should hear enough more to understand it a little."
Ellen had come up behind us and slowed down, as we had taken an extra lap while I told this. She said, "Boy, if I'm not with you, you always dump too much information out." But she was smiling. She went on, as we all slowed to a walk, "Did he ever get to the reason he should have had for saying this? He had wanted so much for Sam to stop tormenting him, but when she did, he kind of fell apart himself. He was in a fog for a week or more. He really needs to figure out why he does this and how to stop. I have ideas, but we need to talk some. A lot, in fact, I'm afraid."
We went into the house. I told Kelly, "You'd better have first go at the bathroom again," and Ellen and I headed upstairs. We didn't make love, or do anything that might lead to it. We sat down, looking at each other.
I said, "One part of it, and I don't see any way of dealing with it, is just that serious surprises bother me. I feel like the rug has been jerked out from under me and I'm falling, and I can't recover. And I need to tell them all that, and apologize, because of course that's going to happen and we all have to face it. But I don't understand why it bothers me so much more than it does other people."
Ellen looked at me with her face full of concern for me. "Phil, enough of your surprises, ones I've seen, have been really unpleasant that it's not all that surprising to me. And I can see that this is a factor in unsettling you, even when the surprise is good.
"But you need to learn to deal with surprises without coming apart. You do it fine sometimes. Let me remind you of an occasion when someone who was outrunning you unexpectedly fell. You acted decisively, without any of this business of feeling sad and lost.
"I wish I saw enough to say what was different about that. I kind of think that if you were in my place, talking to someone else with this problem, you would spot it and know what to say. You really are that perceptive about other people. Phil, you know I love you. And I will stay with you even if you keep doing this. But it's really hard and kind of unfair to everyone around you.
"When Jenny treated you the way she did, well, there was some excuse for it, even if you took it too far. And when your grandparents were killed, for sure. I wasn't in a position to see what happened then, even if you were still being affected when you arrived at school. But you need to remember that you're not in it all alone.
"Now we need to go take a shower and get ready for the day."
Ellen stood up and came over to me. She pulled me to my feet and took me in her arms and held me. She said, "Phil, I promise I won't leave you unless you drive me away. You could do that deliberately and directly, or the way Brian did, and in the end I'd feel I would have to go. But I love you, and I plan to marry you whenever you're ready. You need to meet my family and I need to meet yours, first. And you need to get me a ring, soon.
"I told you my parents won't think it's big enough or nice enough or expensive enough no matter what, so you don't need to worry about pleasing them. And I'm quite sure that you'll exhibit your normal perception and good sense and good taste, so pleasing me won't be a problem. With you, anything!
"Now get your clothes and let's go."
We shaved and then showered, managing the shower without too much noise, and then got dressed and went in to get breakfast. I was sure that we were back to the point where I could assume things in the fridge were fair game if I used good sense and restraint. I washed and microwaved a potato, then cut it up and fried it with onion and pepper and mushrooms, and also one largish slice of turkey, cut up. I mixed some seasonings in with some eggs and scrambled them in, adding some cheese as well. Oh, some garlic, too. Ellen was good enough to peel me a couple of cloves.
Kelly was there eating cereal, and Ellen had started to see what cereals were there, but I told her just to sit and wait. She poured us both some orange juice, and got me a glass of water too—she knew me. She also got out plates and forks. She hesitated and then asked Kelly if she would like some as well, then got her a smaller plate and a fork as well. I dished up. I had made sure that I made enough that plenty was left for Uncle John and Aunt Sally, too.
I had a thought. I got out the remains of the sweet potato casserole, took out a small amount, and heated it in the microwave. I put a spoonful of orange juice on it and mashed it in, then put a dab on each of our plates. "Tell me what you think," I said to them. I ate mine, and wasn't sure whether it was an improvement or not, but it was good in any case. The girls said much the same, and I decided I wouldn't bother with that idea the next time I made it.
A very few moments later, Uncle John and Aunt Sally came in. Kelly had made coffee, and Ellen had gotten herself a cup, and now she poured coffee for them as well. I said, "I'll warm up your breakfast in a moment, when I'm finished, unless you want to do it yourself first." Aunt Sally just went and turned on the burner. She spent just a few minutes warming it up. It hadn't gone dead cold, anyway. Ellen had set places for them when she saw that I was leaving some in the skillet.
