We showered, together, but just washing—enjoying that, though—and had breakfast, in Ellen's apartment. I told her, "At this rate I really am going to owe you a lot of groceries."
After that, we walked over to the resale shop. Ellen had a few things to look for, and I had quite a list. I decided to start with clothes. I found three sets of stuff I wasn't unhappy to be seen in, for about the price of one that I'd bought new, also some socks and underwear in good condition, almost new. I went through my list, and then just browsed for a good while, turning up several things I wouldn't ever have thought of but which would be nice to have, and several more I hadn't thought of yet but would need. No toothpicks—nor even a toothbrush—and no baby grand, but the place was a huge help for me. Ellen had come up with a bundle of several dozen wire hangers for half a dollar, saying this would let her pay me back and give me a bunch too.
If we hadn't had so much stuff to carry home, I would have stopped in a drugstore we passed to get another razor and toothbrush. I needed to get those right away. We went up to Ellen's apartment and left her things, then to mine. We kissed, and then I turned to putting stuff away. I updated my lists, putting razor and toothbrush on a new list for drugstores.
When I mentioned that—thinking out loud—Ellen said, somewhat hesitantly, "Phil. Um. Would it be all right with you if I stopped shaving my pussy?"
"If I said no, would you keep doing it?"
"Of course! Would it really bother you?"
"The answer really is, how would I know? I have no experience at all to tell me. If you don't want to keep it up, go ahead. Um. I hope you'll keep things trimmed, that included, I think. I plan to, by the way. But if I find it bothers me, I'll let you know. Is that a good enough answer? It's your body, which you let me enjoy, but that isn't something I'd want to dictate."
She came over and stood and hugged me, for several minutes, just resting her head against my shoulder. I was pretty sure she wasn't crying, or anywhere near it, but it felt a little like the same kind of thing. Finally she looked at me, and gave me a brief kiss, and said, "Phil, I don't know whether it's most or not, but I've seen and heard enough to know that a lot of men wouldn't think that way. It's kind of an experiment for me, too. I don't know whether I'll like it, but I'd like to find out. I know it won't be that big a deal for me, either way, so really do let me know your preferences. But thank you for telling me, again, that I can trust you to care about me instead of just yourself. You've done that since day one.
"I think we need to get through this year of school before we think any longer term, and maybe even two years. Lots of people get married at nineteen, and it usually seems to end in disaster. But right now, I wish I could tell people you were my fiancé instead of my boyfriend. That would be really unfair to Sam and Jenny, right now, on top of all the other reasons we can't settle that now. But I'm through fighting it and not knowing what I want. It's not just every night with you, your apartment or mine, your bed or mine. Just so you know, I want that but more, too."
We stood there like that a while longer. I kissed her, and said, "Ellen, I love you. I think you were there when I explained it, way back in the beginning. Claire and Moira were my fantasy objects for at least two years, I knew Claire better, Moira has a better figure—well, bigger breasts. Jenny should have been there too, but I still thought of her the way she'd been as a freshman, even though she had filled out some, her figure is really as good as Claire's. OK, I'm a guy, appearance comes into it a lot, and breasts are a big part of appearance. But if I'd had the faintest inkling that you ever would take any interest in me, you would have been way ahead of all of them.
"Jenny and Sam are special for me. Well, almost every girl I know is, but you know what I mean. And there are a handful of others. So one more reason to not rush past this year is to see how things stand with all of them after a while. I really think Jenny is going to find some guys at school for sex, I'm worried that it will be as bad for her as Brian turned out to be. Or me, I guess. She'll want more than they're willing to give.
"Sam. Um. We need to talk about Sam, more than I want to right now. But I don't think Sam will wind up with me in the end, for all that she loves me even more than you do, and I love her. I don't know what made them honor her request to be my partner, but it was a disaster waiting to happen, that turned into maybe the best assignment they made out of our whole class.
"Back when you said you'd be studying with Brian, I told Sam that left a huge hole for her to fill. Well, she managed it surprisingly well. But before that, she had come face to face with the fact that she was tormenting me to keep from admitting to herself that she loved me, and then the next day she was gang-raped, and everything in her life fell apart and she had to put herself back together differently. In some ways, her love for me was the one thing that survived, and I couldn't even bring myself to touch her!
"Dealing with that, having been pushed together as partners, built a bond between us I don't think anyone else can ever share with me. I think some of that will survive, even if we both wind up married to other people. If you and I wind up married, and that looks really possible to me, you'll have to put up with my having memories of feelings for them, that I don't think will ever go away. So be thinking about that. If I marry you, or anyone else, it will be completely exclusive as far as sex, and as exclusive as I can make it as far as romantic feelings. I'm just warning you that may not be as far as you want or as I might wish. And not just Sam, of course."
"Phil, every time you say things like that, you show me again why I'd want to be married to you. You're compulsively honest, about anything that might matter at all. That's something I need. And I love you."
We moved apart, and talked some about the rest of the day. We decided to go off to the drugstore before lunch. I told her, "I'm not sure I'm going to need to run in the mornings, with all the walking I'll have to do." We walked slowly, though, holding hands, or with arms around each other's waists. I looked at what was there, winced at the prices, but got another two toothbrushes and extra toothpaste and floss, as well as a couple of razors.
"Why the extras?"
"Um. You know, I need one more toothbrush and razor yet, don't I?" I went back and collected them. "I expect sometimes you'll be up with me, after all, but I was thinking about Jenny or Sam visiting sometime. If she brings her own, fine, but if not I'll be ready. Should have gotten them at the supermarket. Cheaper."
We had lunch in my apartment, and then agreed just to lie down together. We listened to the opera on the radio, and dozed a little, especially during the halftime stuff.
"You said you hadn't been running on Sundays, so I warned Kelly that I probably wouldn't. From what she said, she may not make it every day, anyway, even weekdays. Maybe having me there will motivate her, of course. I mean, if it weren't for you, I don't know that I would get up to walk a few blocks to run, very often. I really need motivation, myself. I'd been slacking off some when they started the game in gym, and even with that I might not have made it so often without Jenny. Something else to thank you both for."
At some point, I dropped into a real sleep, and apparently Ellen did too. I didn't know who stirred and woke the other, but it was past time to get the supper I'd planned, so I nuzzled her until she was willing to get up. What I was planning was nothing fancy, but it took a little while in the oven. I hadn't thought about needing a cutting board or two, but the counter had obviously been used for that in the past. I got the meat and onions and mushrooms cut up and the sauce mixed, got them into an ovenproof dish, and got it started cooking. While it was in, I washed my knife and the counter, then disinfected the countertop. By that time water was boiling, and I got the rice started. Ellen was staring at me in surprise.
"Phil, I had no idea you knew how to cook like that. You've been eating in a dorm for four years! What I fixed last night was just kind of tossed together, but this isn't. Who teaches middle-school boys, or younger, to really cook?"
I turned down the rice and got more water heating for the broccoli, which was in the freezer. "Well, my grandmother insisted that I help her in the kitchen a lot, and she made sure I knew how to make lots of stuff. You're right, this isn't just tossed together, but it's pretty basic. It should be good, though." I turned down the water for the vegetables, it wasn't time for them yet. I was using my phone for a timer, a couple of times over, because a kitchen timer was something else I had forgotten. At least I had noticed potholders in the store that afternoon, so I had some of those. "I need to find a microwave. I didn't notice any in the resale place, but they may have them. And I need more spices. But I've got enough to get on with."
I made a quick sauce for the broccoli, then got that cooking. A few minutes later, I dished everything up. Mismatched plates and flatware and serving dishes, but the food should be good. I dished the broccoli straight onto the plates to avoid dirtying a bowl, since there were just the two of us, and also we took the meat and stuff right out of the cooking dish. I did put the rice in a bowl.
As we ate, after she'd had some of everything, Ellen looked at me. "Phil, don't you dare try to make this into a joke. I'm serious. This is like seeing Sam's little off-hand sketches and then suddenly seeing that drawing."
