"You need some background. For no real reason at all, for the past three years I had belittled Phil and harassed him in every way I could. You must know some of that, even if you don't know how far it went!
"Only recently did I realize that the reason I despised him so was precisely that he treated me, and everyone else, with courtesy and respect, no matter what the provocation. That was not at all just a matter of the school's rules in this regard. He did it when there was no possibility of his being reproved or punished if he failed. I couldn't help admiring him and being drawn to him, and I didn't want that, but I didn't realize this.
"At any rate, a few weeks ago, something happened to me which opened my eyes to my own behavior—you both were there at the trial!—and I was suddenly conscience-stricken. I realized that I had hurt him badly, over and over, for three solid years, and nothing I could ever do could make up for this, even a little bit. All I could do was go to him and tell him I recognized this and was deeply sorry for it, and ask him to forgive me. And he did!" With that last, she was crying, tears beginning to overflow her eyes. "He did it without question or reservation, not even asking me to do anything to convince him that my change of heart was real. We talked, and it became clear that although he did really forgive me from the heart, I had hurt him so badly that it was very hard for him to interact closely with me. He wasn't willingly pushing me away, but his reaction was always to do that. In passing, after he very awkwardly tried to comfort me in my own pain, as we were discussing this, he said that he doubted that if he had to kiss me or take me to bed he would be able.
"I had already requested him as my partner, and I was pretty sure it was too late to undo that. And, as I said, it seemed so unlikely that my request would be honored that I didn't even mention the possibility to him.
"Anyway, that's all background. I was of two minds about even trying, given his feelings. He insisted that we needed to try, and since most of the assignment involved his acting to please me—making love in a full sense, not just meaning sexual intercourse only—it seemed that we could accomplish that much. And he did so, determinedly, out of duty and entirely for my enjoyment. I could feel him forcing himself to kiss and caress me, especially at the beginning. I think it was a little like getting an untamed horse used to wearing a saddle, as things went on and the strangeness went away, it got easier and better, but it still wasn't very good for him.
"So we kissed, and he touched me wonderfully, I never imagined anything so wonderful as everything he did! I was able to come the first time just from his hands, and then he used his tongue to bring me there twice more. And it wasn't any skill you might have taught him," looking at Bella, "though I'm sure you did, but it was his caring and gentleness, when he was feeling all wrong about it.
"But he still wasn't ready for sex himself, and that was part of the assignment. I think Phil would have just let that go and told you he couldn't. But I had heard things from girls at home, especially from a few friends on this last break, that if you had a boy who wasn't ready to go, the thing to do was to take him in your mouth and suck on him until he was.
"I warned Phil that I was going to do this, and that I really had nothing more to go on than what I just told you. Well, it turned out that this had been done to him, he didn't give me details but I'm guessing a lot," and she turned to me here, "and I really want to hear more about that sometime. Please.
"But anyway, he gave me some practical guidelines, and I tried it. And in terms of getting him ready, it looked pretty good. He wasn't nearly as ready as any of the boys who screwed me in gym class, but he was big enough and erect, just not really hard enough. But he came in, and we tried and tried. I came twice during this part, and if it wasn't as good as earlier, I think that's because we couldn't quite get in sync. So finally he just came out, ready to give up, it was frustrating him terribly! And I insisted on sucking on him some more, and we finally succeeded. I know, that's not the way the assignment went, but he needed not to be so frustrated, and I needed to be able to help him
"But what you've got to understand is that this isn't his fault, it's all mine. He's not holding back to punish me or anything like that, he would willingly have come in and screwed me right away after the first time he ate me, if only he could have. It's because I hurt and abused him so long! You need to not mark him down, with any other woman in the world he would have been fine! You can fail me for this course if you need to fail someone, but if Phil doesn't pass I will go to whoever is in charge and scream and scream at them as long as I need to!"
She was crying in earnest, and I got up and pulled her up and held her, pushing her head down on my shoulder, letting her cry. I said to them, "I know you're going to ask me next, and I may as well say my part now. Bruja—Samantha, I mean, I hope you can put up with my telling them before you're really done.
"As far as the outward facts go, pretty much everything she said is entirely correct. But all the stuff at the end is as wrong as it can be. I'm not intentionally withholding forgiveness, I want with all my heart to be on the best terms with her that anyone ever could be. But somewhere inside my body and brain, there's something that's not willing to let go. Wrong as that is. You heard me a moment ago, I can't even remember to call her by her first name, unless I stop and think hard about it first!
"Yes, what she said about the past three years is true, but she humbled herself to come and confess it all and ask for forgiveness, not just privately to me, but in front of my friends and everyone sitting anywhere near in the cafeteria. She's right, if she wanted to find a way to repay me, she couldn't ever do it, but she did what she could to make it right, and I said I forgive her. How did she put it? Without question or reservation? That's exactly right. But I can't seem to make myself live up to it. And it's not—Samantha's fault at all. She went way beyond what the assignment called for, trying. It's my fault, pure and simple. Don't you dare blame her."
There was a time when no one said anything. Samantha's crying was running down, but I still held her.
Finally, Bella said, "This shows why we're all here talking together. This is never done. And in fact, I ask you both not to tell any of your peers that we've done it. But when there are problems with the assignments, especially this first one, almost always part of it is that each is being selfish, demanding that the other partner meet unrealistic standards, insisting that it's all the other partner's fault. Sometimes only one, but almost always both.
"We all know that Phil is capable of normal arousal and intercourse, in fact quite a lot of it. And he's having trouble accepting it from Samantha. This isn't his fault, in the sense that he's deliberately refusing to cooperate. Samantha, you may be right as far as the causes of this all go, but by asking his forgiveness and accepting it, you have given up the right to claim that you are to blame. Phil has absolved you from any further blame, as far as he himself goes. And, frankly, we don't care who is to blame, or whether anyone is. Is that clear to both of you?
"The question is what to do about the situation. One possible answer is to just let it go for the moment. Phil, at least, is well ahead of the planned lessons for the moment, and Samantha, you went beyond them too. You both, but particularly Samantha, need some instruction in fellatio, which comes later—but for the moment what you know was obviously enough for this afternoon. Our congratulations on getting through the immediate problem, though at some point you are going to have to go back and get the issue of intercourse settled between you. In a sense, Phil could provide instruction on that pretty well. Samantha, you've performed it in gym class, but not in a way that would be satisfactory in a long-term relationship. And Phil, you do seem to be recovering the ability to function, so that we might just be able to let time have its way in this. You aren't having the kind of trouble you had initially with simply kissing and holding Samantha, after all. You're still standing there holding her, after all this time—whether you've noticed it or not!" Samantha and I stared at each other for a moment. I didn't let go.
"Be that as it may, we need to work on moving things along better. I'm afraid that we are preempting your time before supper, and your supper time as well. That, by the way, is rare but certainly not unheard of, when the instructors feel that either additional instruction, verbal or practical, or additional practice together is needed. You will get supper, but not at suppertime. And we'll take care of that and of notifying all those who need to pass you through.
"John and I did not get to discuss the next thing I'm about to suggest, so if he has serious objections this may change. But I'd rather not take the time for us to discuss it apart from you.