The Heartache and Pain of Loving

I walked into the room feeling a touch of sadness, walking over to the table with my Cappuccino, I sat down preoccupied and in deep thought. It didn't matter that I felt as if my heart was feeling the sadness or that once again I felt bereft without him. I knew it, I had always known, he was married and wouldn't be entirely mine. I guess I've just always believed in fairy tales and thought there will be a happily ever after.

Does money grow on trees, is the rainbow always in the sky and do we have perpetual sunshine always? I am not some naive little girl, I am a grown woman, mature, intelligent and quite astute. I guess when it comes to a certain man, my expectations were somewhat higher than anticipated.

I told myself to snap out of it, be realistic girl, you know that fairy tales don't happen in the real world. Haven't you always understood that he would never leave her for you? It doesn't matter how very beautiful or sexy he finds you or if his wife doesn't have your erotic appeal, you are simply lost in transition in the time warp. Come on girl, just be realistic and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

You will never be what your mind had conjured up or what you thought you might be to him, not in a million years. Why do you try and hold onto a dream, torture yourself into thinking that things will be different or that he will be all yours. It was that strong magnetic appeal of his that drew you to him from the beginning.

You felt it from its inception and it seemed to grow in massive proportions each and every day. It was so intense and beautiful, he would message you so very often and his words would make you melt, both in body and soul. They would touch your heart and make you feel something you have never quite felt before. He was the one, you kept telling yourself that and you believed it implicitly.

The words he spoke were sincere and you knew it, because he spoke from his heart and you had that connection with him always. How could you feel any other way because you felt so incredibly beautiful and so very alive when we messaged you or you talked on the phone. The excitement of knowing what you could do and did for him..You gloried in your sexiness, tried to give him all that you possibly could.

The pictures had to be as sexy and sensual as you knew you were and you wanted to convey to him all that you possibly were as a woman. You wanted to put him over the top, make him think of you as you did him. You had no other way in which to prove how much he really meant to you other than writing erotica and committing yourself from where you were in this. What other choice did you have, it wasn't as if you lived next door? Geographically speaking you were probably more than a thousand miles away and that definitely was a detriment.

You gaze out the window at the people bustling by some of the men and women that were obviously lovers and were in love. They had eyes for nobody else and they were wrapped up in each other. You could feel that incredible emotion that permeated your soul again and knew that you weren't being selfish thinking, "I wish I had that, OMG I so wish that I could experience that joy and intensity once more." You know that life will never be what we anticipate, nor does it conform to what our ideals are. We always try and simplify things in our minds and the conclusion is "I really do know what I enjoy and I like in a man."

You want him to be your knight in shining armor, have that firm knowledge that you love him very much and that quite simply you adore him. That aspect will never change, you will always want him in your bed and in life. He has loyalties to his family, you cannot take that away from him. You understand totally all those aspects of his life and no you are not selfish in the least.

You have them as well, as family do take precedence and it will always be that way. You tell yourself it doesn't matter when push comes to shove, it has to be that way, responsibilities and all. He knows that you would take him to your bed and appease him and please him in every way. You wouldn't be able to leave until you were both well satiated. You were born to bring joy and excitement, pleasure to that special someone in your life and that knowledge remains a constant in your mind. Your beauty and eroticism draws the men to you like a magnet.

You know that you are that incredibly sensual and a highly spirited woman, wildly passionate and yes your mind has a tendency to run along the parallels of the romantic. It is who you are and you aren't about to change anytime soon. Some people might call me fanciful and I love to expound upon the beauty of intimacy and how joyous it is between two people who feel the compelling electrical current that seems to draw them together like a magnetic force. How can I let him go, I know my heart and it says "Hold on to him never let him go, he adores you as you do him." I understand the complexities and will accept it for what it is always..

I have always known that he is a very loyal man and it would take more than courage to simply walk away from a marriage that is several years old. It doesn't matter that he adores me and cares for me. That has no bearing whatsoever or significance, when you have children and life is complicated it isn't easy to walk away. I just get incredibly frustrated knowing his marriage bed is at least viable, even if it isn't fantastic and sends him off the deep end from a sexual perspective. I know that I could literally knock his socks off and blow his mind from every sexual angle possible.

From every possible perspective, sex really doesn't save the day does it? It's not the catalyst that holds the bonds together entirely. It is crucial to all of those people who have a relationship who are husband and wife, partners or lovers if you will. There is that reality of what love truly means, how we are drawn by a physical and emotional melding of the mind. heart and spirit. It's everything, each and every little detail that draws and binds us together. The true definition or intricate part of a sound relationship is communication. When those barriers break down and there is a misconception or a misunderstanding then their world starts to collapse. Communication is so imperative and when there is no acceptance of what is transpiring and you are trying to understand what is happening then it is incredibly painful.

I am not going to even try to understand anymore, I am only going to deal with my life and learn to coexist from day to day. I ask myself am I that transparent, can people actually see right through me? Do they see that my heart beats that much faster when I think of him, that my world feels like it's crashing down around my feet because I feel like I'm losing him or I've actually lost him.. I've only just wanted him to understand me, my life, my emotions that I've lived a life that has had its trauma and drama.

Yes I am emotional, passionate, sometimes fiery in nature, when it comes to him, I say what is inside of me always. I only want to love him and give him my all and I am only asking to be given love in return. I will be whatever he wants me to be because I've accepted, resigned myself to the fact that it's all I can have out of this relationship, nothing more or nothing less.

I have so much pride and I don't give up easily, I am telling myself that I won't lose him. I cannot bear to think if I did that part of me will be lost with him and I will never be able to retrieve it again should we part ways. I know that I will never want another relationship with another man if this has concluded. All this passion, my sensuality will wither up and die and will never resume again. I have discovered that life is so much like truth or dare that it isn't even funny. You bare your soul in truth and to hell with the consequences.

You dare to be the one person that you have always said you would be if absolutely necessary. You stand up and for your rights and never give in to what you believe in and you hold your ground. You want to tell him that yes you understand totally and will be his for an eternity if he wants you. Pride is an incredible emotion and it can tear you asunder when you have such a passionate nature and an incredibly sensitive heart.

No he is not my obsession just a man that has grown on me since day one and he makes me feel so vitally alive and beautiful. Like a butterfly that has inherited every color of the rainbow..When she flies she is the envy of all of her species and they watch her as her wings shine with the beauty of the sunlight glistening upon them.

I've learned to see the beauty of what surrounds me and my eyes are wide open now, where before they were closed like the shutters on the windows. He has freed the beautiful bird from her gilded cage and allowed her to be free to spread her wings and fly. There isn't a day that goes by where I am not grateful for what he has done and I will always be so grateful for that, to the end of my days.