The Haley Chronicles

"There are so many really cool things about being in love, you know? You can have the best day imaginable with ... nothing ... just her. Just being alone with her pretty much makes everything okay," Jared said as he sat in the middle of the big round booth at Player's Sport Bar & Grill.

"Huh, oh. This does not sound good," Pete remarked as he entered and walked to the booth with Jared and Feldman.

"It's not, bro. J's waxing philosophic about poon," Feldman replied.

"Ouch! J, man, you gotta move on," Pete said.

Jared looked up. "Move on? Merrill dumped me, like yesterday. I haven't had time to move on."

"Angie!" Pete shouted to the waitress. He pointed at Jared's beer and indicated that they needed two more. She nodded over the noise. Pete slumped into the booth.

"I know, but, dude, it was ... Merrill. She's a great girl and all, but was she the love of your life?" Pete asked.

"No, Pete, and that's what's so depressing. I'm 26 years old, and I just got dumped by a girl I'm not even that crazy about. Doesn't that say something? I mean, isn't that sad? I should be hopelessly in love or at least be dumped by, like, Jessica Alba or something."

Pete laughed. "Jessica Alba? I'd settle for Jessica Rabbit! That's just ... life, man. Most of us wander through an endless series of meaningless relationships until we get so tired of it, we marry the first girl who we can stand being with us for more than five minutes."

"Unless you're Slater," Feldman added as Bobby Slater walked in to join his buddies. "Then, you marry the perfect girl and live in fairy land forever."

Bobby grinned as he scooted in beside Pete. "Hey, someone's gotta win the lottery, right?"

The four had been best friends since high school. Bobby had been the all-star wide receiver who went to State on scholarship and married Mandy Carlisle. Mandy was one of those hideous girls who were heart-stoppingly beautiful, smart, and nice. The girls all hated her, of course ... well, not really because she was too nice. The guys did all drool over her ... that was a fact. And, Bobby had been the rock star of high school because he dated her. The two of them actually were hopelessly in love, and the guys really were happy for him. They just wished Mandy had three sisters ... identical quadruplet sisters.

"What about you, Boone?" Bobby asked Pete. "You're still dating Emma, right? How's that going?"

"Yeah ... we're cool."

"And, Feldman, you and Carol are still giving each other the horizontal salute, right?"

"Yeah, we're doing fine."

"So, this isn't the Paris of Loserville. We've just got to get our boy back in the saddle," Bobby said.

"Won't happen," Jared said as he rested his chin on his hands on the table.

"Why? You swearing off women?" Pete asked.

"No ... but the good ones are swearing off me." All three of the others started moaning and laughing.

"Fuck this beer shit! We need to get our boy some Jack and get him wasted," Bobby declared. He flashed his megawatt smile and signaled for Angie. Like a moth to a flame, she was over in a nanosecond.

"You boys ready for another round?" she asked.

"Yes, but we need to up the ante. Bring our sad sack friend here triple shots of Jack. Fel ... want anything? Boone?" They both said they were fine with their beers for the moment.

"Okay, fellas. Be right back," she said.

As she turned to walk away, Bobby called after her, "Oh, and Angie, ask Lou for an order of those heart attack nachos."

"Will do," she said with a smile.

Pete was looking at him, grinning.

"What?" Bobby asked innocently.

"You know what! You could totally do her. If you asked, she'd knock all of us out of the way and go cowgirl on you right here in the booth," Pete said to general laughter.

"You're so full of shit. Angie works on tips. She's nice to everybody."

"She didn't hustle that cute little butt over here when I needed a beer. I had to go Helen Keller on her and signal from across the room," Pete chided.

Bobby smiled. "What can I tell you, Boone? Charm is like perfect pitch. Some of us have it, and some of us are you!" That got big laughs all-around, except from Jared.

"Son, you're not drinking fast enough!" Pete said to Jared.

"What's the point?" Jared asked with his chin still resting on the table.

"Fellas, if we don't find this man some pussy soon, he's gonna bust!" said Pete.

"It's not about pussy!" Jared exclaimed. "I'm tired of just going through the motions to get laid."

Pete interrupted him and put his hand over his heart. "Forgive him, Lord!"

"I'm serious," Jared said.

"So, what do you want?" Pete asked.

"The brass ring. I want to meet a woman who turns me into a moron whenever I look at her. I want someone who makes me wake her before the sun comes up because I just can't wait to hear what she has to say," said Jared.

"Hell, I wake up Carol all the time to lay the pipe to her in the morning," Pete said.

Jared gave him a disgusted look and said, "She must be so honored."

"J wants birds singing, flowers blooming and rainbows filling the sky," said Feldman as he chuckled.

"Hey, don't knock 'til you've tried it," Bobby countered. He looked at Jared and said, "It'll happen, man. You're cool; you're smart. She's out there man."

"Yeah," Jared said sarcastically.

The gang stayed another couple of hours. Bobby gave Jared a ride home. As he pulled in front of Jared's apartment, he said, "Hey, don't forget ... tomorrow, 10:00 am."

Jared wrinkled his brow. "What's 10:00 am?"

Bobby rolled his eyes. "The charity carnival in the park, remember?"

Jared looked wounded, "Oh, fuck! Bobby, I'm in no mood to get up on Saturday morning and make happy-faces with a bunch of kids. Call Boone or something."

"Can't ... Mandy says he'd scar the kids for life. Besides it'll do you good. Otherwise, all you'll do is lie in bed under the covers and eat Lucky Charms all day."

"So, what's your point?" Jared asked with the implication that such a plan sounded good to him.

"My point, bro, is that you need to continue living in the world. Besides, how are you gonna find Miss Wonderful unless she's disguised as a dust bunny under your bed?"

"Oh, God ..."

"You're coming! If you're not there by 9:45, I'm bringing a crap load of kids to your apartment and leaving them there."

Jared put on a fake happy face and said, "Okay, see you in the morning."

"There ... that's the kind of sincerity that'll push us right over the top!"

The following morning, Jared showed up right on time with a giant cup of Starbucks' strongest clutched in his hand. Bobby grinned when he saw Jared. He nudged Mandy.

She rushed over to him and gave him a big hug. "Sweetie ... I heard all about Merrill. I'm sorry."

"You know, if you'd just dump that loser and run away with me, everything would be okay," he said as he hugged her back.

Mandy released him and looked at him. "The next time he wakes me up with his snoring, I may just take you up on that!"

"So, what's my assignment?" Jared asked.

""What else?" Mandy said as she pointed to the basketball goals.

Jared walked over and looked at them. "Where do they find basketball rims that are about half regulation size?"

Mandy laughed and said, "I don't know. All this stuff was rented from an actual traveling carnival, so nothing surprises me."

The third annual Carnival-in-the-Park was organized by the local Muscular Dystrophy Association and was sponsored by Kennedy-James, the law firm where Mandy worked. Everything basically looked and worked like a normal carnival except all the money went for charity and nothing cost more than a dollar. The previous years, the event raised over $100,000.

Jared had been Westbrook High's leading scorer his senior year, so he still had a little celebrity cache left for the kids. The booth let kids try three shots for a dollar. Three shots won a large stuffed animal, two garnered a model plane kit, and one got them an MDA coffee cup.

Next to the basketball booth was a booth where you shot water into a clown's mouth in an effort to pop the balloon before anyone else. A young blonde woman was talking to Mandy and following her to that booth.

"Jared, do you remember Haley Matheson from our class?" Mandy asked.

He turned as she asked the question and came face-to-face with the woman. His mouth fell open slightly, and he stared in silence for a few awkward moments before Mandy came to his rescue.

"Jared, honey, we've got all the clowns we need. You can close your mouth now." Haley laughed nervously.

"What? Oh! Sorry," he said coming out of his momentary stupor. "Haley, you ... you look great!"

"I think she got that point when you started catching flies," Mandy teased. Jared gave her a thank-you-very-much sarcastic smile, which made Mandy laugh.

"Thanks, Jared ... so do you," said Haley.

"Well, I'll leave you two to catch up until you're invaded by curtain climbers," Mandy said as she scurried off. When she was some distance away from them, she turned to see them talking and smiling, and she smiled herself.

"I don't mean to sound like a doofus, Haley, but did you always look this good?" Jared asked.

Haley looked down and kicked the ground nervously, "Well, getting rid of braces, zits and glasses certainly helped."

"I'm sorry. I know I must be embarrassing you. You just kinda caught me off guard," he explained.

Before long, they were swamped with energetic kids and jostled parents. Jared positioned himself so he could easily look over at Haley ... a fact that wasn't lost on her. It was a long day. Mandy brought lunch to all the workers, and the carnival didn't wrap up until 6:30.

"Whew! This should have been sponsored by Planned Parenthood," Haley said to Jared. "I can't think of better motivation for birth control." Jared laughed out loud at her remark, which made her smile.

"Listen, do you ... uhm ..." Jared was flustered as he searched for words, which rarely happened to him. Haley waited patiently for him to finish his sentence and fixed her deep green eyes upon him. "Maybe ... uhm ... grab some dinner or ... uh ... something?" he asked. Then, he added hastily, "To catch up on things – I mean if-if you don't have plans or a date or something."

Haley said, "Actually, I do have a date."

Jared smiled while his body deflated.

"I'm babysitting my 4-year-old nephew. Can you believe I told Jill I'd do that after spending all day here?"

"Oh," Jared said, instantly perking up.

"I could ... give you my number. You could call me."

"Yeah," Jared said as his face broke into a huge smile.

"Let's see ... shoot, I don't have any paper," she said as she rifled through her purse. "What's your cell? I'll just text it to you."

"Perfect! It's 459-1276. Listen, are you doing anything next Friday?"

She thought for a moment. "Nope. Nothing I can think of."

"Then, how about dinner and a movie or whatever?"

Haley smiled. "Sounds good."

"Great! I'll call you!"

Haley smiled and headed off for her car. Mandy had been watching from a safe distance and walked over once Haley disappeared. "Well, big guy, it looks like you scored."

Jared turned to her and grinned. "She's amazing!"

Bobby walked up and put his arm around Mandy and asked Jared, "So, you still swearing off women?"

"Maybe I was a little premature," Jared said, still grinning.

Mandy hooked her arms in the arms of both men and started walking. "How about going to Acapulco, gents? I'm going to order one of those margaritas you can swim in and drink the whole thing myself. You're driving," she said as she handed the keys to Bobby.

"I'm buying," Jared said.

Bobby grinned. "Ain't love grand!"

**********************************

During the week, Jared resisted the temptation to call Haley five or six hundred times and made only one call on Wednesday to say he would pick her up at 6:30, and she could think about whether she was in the mood for the new Will Smith action flick or the new Meryl Streep drama.

"She'll probably win another Oscar for that picture, but I'm not a big fan of chick flicks. I vote for Will Smith. Besides, I don't mind looking at him for two hours."

"Don't like chick flicks? I'm in love," Jared teased. Haley laughed.

On Friday, Jared was so happy he actually whistled at work. He worked at Baker Brothers Advertising as a writer and assistant creative director. His normally sardonic co-workers wondered where the space ship was that took Jared away and left this sappy Snow White dwarf in his place.

Six-thirty seemed to take an eternity to arrive. Jared decided arriving to the second might seem a little needy, so he waited until 6:35 before knocking on Haley's apartment door.

"Hi," Haley said with a smile as she opened the door and invited Jared inside. "I'm running late as usual. There's beer in the fridge. Make yourself at home," she said as she rushed back into the bathroom.

Jared opened the door to find several half empty take-out containers, yogurt, fruit, and three kinds of beer. "My kind of girl," he said to himself. He chose a Sam Adams. He walked back into the living room and perused her bookshelves to kill time. She had a mixture of books, but she had a lot of adventure and spy novels. "This looks a lot like my bookcase," he thought.

Finally, Haley emerged. "Sorry! It was one of those days."

Jared turned to see her in a tight cream sweater and green cargo pants. He smiled. "When the results are that impressive, it's well worth it!"

"Were you this charming in high school?" she asked, smiling.

"No. I was pretty much of a geek with decent jump shot." He handed her flowers.

"Oh, they're beautiful, Jared! Thanks!" She took them into the kitchen to find a vase. "That's so sweet. No one ever does that anymore. I like it. It makes me feel feminine." Jared beamed.

At dinner, Jared poured Haley a glass of wine and asked, "So, tell me about your job."

"I'm actually still in school. I'm working on my Ph.D. in child and adolescent psychology."

"Really?" Jared exclaimed. "That's so cool. What drew you to that field?"

"I don't know. I always felt like a dorky kid, kind of out of place. Maybe that's why I'm drawn to kids having a rough time with life."

"You've certainly outgrown dorky."

"Thanks, but you haven't seen me try to do anything athletic. That would change your mind in a hurry. What about you?"

"I work in advertising. I'm a writer and assistant creative director."

"That sounds like a great job. What kinds of things do you do?"

"We are something of a boutique shop for restaurants. We have a couple of major accounts, like Fenilli's and Skipper's Dock. I write copy for their ads and their websites. Plus, I help map out their strategy."

"I would never have pictured you in that kind of a job. You were always the jock in school."

"Yeah, but I always loved to write. In college, I had some great teachers and really started thinking I could somehow write for a living. Baker's a great place to build a resume."

After dinner, they went to the Will Smith movie. Haley often grabbed Jared's arm during tense or funny scenes, and he relished the feel of her hand. The movie turned out to be the perfect setting to break the touch barrier.

Later, Haley invited him to her apartment for cappuccino. She changed into sweats, and they sat facing each other on her sofa. They talked about movies, kids, life, high school ... you name it. About 4:00 am neither of them wanted to part. Haley suggested putting on a movie. Five minutes into it, she was sound asleep on Jared's lap. He stroked her soft blond hair until his head fell over on the sofa cushion.

About 10:00 am, Jared's bladder woke him. Haley was still nestled on his lap, and he didn't want to disturb her. He waited another 45 minutes until he had to make a move. He tried to slip out from under her, but she awoke.

She rubbed her eyes and asked, "What time is it?"

"Almost eleven in the morning," he answered. "How do you like that ... sleeping together on our first date?" She snickered. "Sorry to do this, but I really have to pee."

Haley sat up quickly. "Oh! Go!" In seconds, it sounded like Niagara in Haley's bathroom. Jared came out drying his hands and smiling. "Much better."

"I feel so bad. How long were you trying to hold it in?"

"Oh ... I don't know ... about 47 minutes and 32 seconds," he answered, which garnered a big laugh from her.

After using the facility herself, Haley came out and asked, "Since we slept together and all, it's only fitting that we have breakfast. You up for it?"

"Yeah!" Jared said enthusiastically.

"Good," Haley said smiling. "I'll just take a quick shower."

"Take your time." While she was in the shower, Jared found one of their high school annuals on her bookshelf. He sat down and thumbed through the memories. When he got to the page with his picture on it, he was startled to see a heart drawn around his picture. Someone other than Haley had drawn the heart and put in a voice bubble for her that stated, "Oh, Jared, I just want to have a hundred of your babies." She had scratched that out, but it was still readable. He was bemused.

"I hope you weren't bored," she said as she bounded out with tan shorts and a yellow Polo shirt. His eyes widened when he saw her slender, shapely legs. She smiled at the look on her face. "Oh, Lord! You must have been bored if you hauled out the ol' yearbook."

Jared quickly slammed it shut before she discovered that he was looking at his old photo. He figured she might not even remember the scribbling. "No. I was fine."

They also stopped by Jared's apartment so he could take a quick shower. He also used that opportunity to fill his hands with soap and relieve some of the tension that Haley's legs generated in his groin.

Haley was also quite pleased with his attire of denim shorts and a green stripped collarless shirt. She was happy to see he still had the same legs and butt she always enjoyed watching run up and down the basketball court.

"You look like you could still suit up. How do you stay in shape?" she asked.

"I go to the rec center a couple of times a week and play pick-up. I'm also really into martial arts."

"Really? What style?"

"Tae Kwon Do. I've studied it since I was ten. My Dad's taken lessons for years and thinks it teaches people a lot about life."

"Hmm. Then, I guess I don't have to worry about bogeymen anymore."

"No, ma'am ... not as long 'Chuck Henderson's' around!" he said with squinty eyes and a sneer. Haley laughed.

"Thank you for protecting us defenseless womenfolk, Mr. Henderson."

Jared drove them to a diner for breakfast and later headed for his parents' house.

"Where are we going?"

"Mom and Dad's. No one'll be home, and I'm gonna grab a couple of bikes. I thought we could take a ride along the C&O trail."

She brightened. "That sounds great!"

They rode to an old plantation house that was about 15 miles out of town. It was now a historic building and was a popular tourist stop on weekends. Jared remembered they sold cold drinks and refreshments on the weekend. He bought them drinks and snacks, and they sat under a huge oak tree that had bullet holes from the Civil War and was still standing.

"I remember one of my writing professors in college telling us about his girlfriend. They were touring Gettysburg, and they pulled off on the side of the road and walked into the field. She had a pen and a pad of paper with her. She sat by herself under a tall walnut tree and went into a kind of trance. She scribbled furiously on page after page. He'd gone exploring along a creek. When he got back, she was as white as the paper and told him she wanted to go. They left and went to a bar to get her something to drink and enable her to calm down. My professor read through the pages and was stunned to discover it was a first-hand account of a young Union soldier's last day on earth. He said the language was broken just like a poorly educated teenager might have talked at that time. The handwriting was unlike anything he'd ever seen, and his girlfriend had no recollection of experiencing or writing anything. Her mind was blank."