This is a work of fiction and any resemblance by any character or situation to any actual person or event is purely coincidental. All characters presented in this narrative are over the age of 18.
The Forever Girl
By Royce F. Houton
Chapter One
Seriously, does she
never shut up?
"Nobody can tell me that Kim and Kanye are really splitting up and that this isn't some scheme to get publicity. I mean Pete
Davidson
? Would
you
date Pete Davidson?"
I just faked a smile intended to show fatigue and disinterest and said nothing to Lisa, holding my tongue from its burning desire to tell her
No, I wouldn't date Pete Fucking Davidson because he's a guy, I'm a guy, I'm straight, and I don't fancy penis
.
But because Lisa Muldoon was my twin sister's best friend and roommate, I was trapped with her on this drive from a New Year's weekend trip to Georgia where we spent the last four days of the holiday with her family in a large lodge overlooking a private lake in the hilly woods at the southern terminus of the Appalachians an hour north of Atlanta, I practiced restraint.
But Lisa prattled on, pursuing an endless, stream-of-consciousness soliloquy about everything from her take on the origin of the universe (if you think about it, Genesis just condenses into a week what God actually did over billions of years), COVID (she'd read where humans had no immunity because it made its way to earth inside a meteorite from a civilization light years away and crashed into China), and more palaver about celebrities and reality TV than I ever knew existed.
At one point, she described her most humiliating moment in college: her college roommate her junior year had brought some random guy she had met at a club on the way to getting drunk to their dormitory room and, in the single bed not seven feet from her, had sex but foolishly tried to muffle themselves, thinking Lisa was asleep.
"Melissa was just
riding
this guy, right in front of me with the bathroom sink light on so I could see ..." she said. "It was disgusting. They were both shitfaced drunk, and he didn't pull out even though Melissa made him promise that he would. I got so pissed that I got up while they're still doing it, go into the bathroom, slam and lock the door and sort of disrupt everything. Seven weeks later, Melissa's missed two periods, she's pregnant, she drops out of school. Never even knew his name. He knocks her up and vanishes, and I haven't seen Melissa since. She was stupid, but you
guys
-- you ... just ...
suuuuck
!"
For more than seven hours now, I had listened to Lisa as we motored up Interstate 85 toward Washington, D.C., where we both lived and worked. She was a graphics and video associate in a prominent K Street lobbying and public affairs firm who shared a compact, two-bedroom apartment in Georgetown with my sister, Janine. I work on Capitol Hill as a senior staffer on a major Senate committee. (I'd rather not say which one, but it's heavily involved in national security.)
Lisa, a native Pennsylvanian and an alumnus of the University of Pittsburgh, had scored four 50-yard-line tickets to the Peach Bowl which Lisa had shared with Janine and me as well as Peter, Lisa's priggish Ivy Leaguer boyfriend who works for a government contractor. Because Michigan State whipped Pitt in the New Year's Eve bowl game in Atlanta, it turned into a bummer of an early evening for Lisa.
Janine and Peter had to be back at work on Monday, Jan. 3, so they flew back on New Year's Day, allowing a day to decompress before returning to work. Truth is, for Janine anyway, she wanted some alone time with Marcus, her D.C. firefighter boyfriend, before he left Monday for four days of Army Reserve training at Fort Drum in upstate New York.
Lisa had a family gathering on New Year's Day that she didn't want to miss, and I had planned to connect with an old college friend and his wife in Atlanta that night, so we booked flights home for Sunday night, January 2
nd
.
A combination of the surge in COVID-19 infections and a storm that had swept across the Midwest barreling toward the Mid-Atlantic canceled our flights, so we had no choice: we rented a roomy Ford Expedition and set out from her parents' lodge near Tate, Georgia, at first light Monday morning, January 3rd. Not once, from the point she hugged her parents goodbye and shut her passenger seat door, was Lisa silent. No naps, no moments of introspection, no audiobooks. Nothing. I treasured our gas and piss stops so I could at enjoy a few moments of peace in the relative solitude of a urinal stall.
I took some comfort in seeing the sign along I-85 welcoming us into Virginia. Just a few more hours -- depending on traffic after I-85 merges into I-95 just south of Richmond. The occasion allowed me to mentally tune Lisa out by indulging myself in Travis Tritt's song "Modern Day Bonnie and Clyde" that opens with the words: "
Well it's a long way to Richmond, rollin' north on 95. With a redhead ridin' shotgun and a pistol by my side
."
Don't get me wrong: I really like Lisa. She's a genuinely beautiful girl with a sweet soul who had become like a younger sister to Janine and thus, to a lesser degree, me. But eight unbroken hours of her monologue now grated like fingernails on a chalkboard. The sight of the Washington Monument could not be more welcomed or come too soon.
"I say we stop for one last bathroom break in Emporia next exit up the road. That sound OK?" I asked Lisa. A fierce piss-boner was already bending uncomfortably in my jeans.
"Sure. So have you been keeping up with The Real Housewives of Atlanta?'" she said, not even pausing for a breath between the two sentences.
"I have not," I said through a weary, forced smile, "but I'm sure I'm about to find out everything there is to know."