Okay, so I admit. It was dirty, rotten, and sneaky what I was doing. Trent or Jesse's girlfriend still didn't know what was going on, even after a week of Jesse and I being together. The worst part was that most of this was on Jesse's hands- he was the one who would suffer losing a best friend and a relationship with his girlfriend because of me. I was never the girl who would deliberately go behind someone's back and ruin a good relationship- not to mention two at the same time.
Nights after Jesse was asleep in my bed, I'd shower, finish my upcoming deadlines and just think. I would think about the way Jesse made love to me, hot, passionate sex. Sex that deeply connected us to a level of understanding no one else could but us. We began to form a secret world, one of which not even Monica and Jenny knew of, as I had less and less to say about it the more I talked with them.
I knew eventually what was our flimsy, hidden world would be discovered and nothing would be left but ruins and bonds we both were responsible for breaking. With each passing night after intense love-making, I could feel myself start to be irritated, and resentfully dreaded becoming that girl every guy hated: the Nagging Girl. That was the last thing I wanted to be. Every time Jesse and I were in each other's arms, I would think about the moment it would all be ruined when his sobbing girlfriend would call me on the phone and ask me why I was in the middle of their love nest.
I also couldn't seem to further myself into a deeper connection with Jesse unless I became the Nagging Girl. I would hold my breath every time I thought of saying what I knew we were both thinking: "When are you going to break up with her?" I didn't want to push the issue, but I also didn't want to be responsible for the mess I'd have to pick up later. Of course, if I did mention it, we would have to bring up the subject to Trent, something that would not be easy to do.
With an unselfish perception of not wanting anyone to get hurt came a very covetous feeling for Jesse to be all mine. It was almost more overwhelming than my conscience. My mind began to wonder questions I dared not think about: How did Jesse and Sarah make love? How did Jesse treat her? Did he ever think of me when he was with her? Had he even seen her lately?
As Jesse and I sat on his couch in his cozy apartment, watching the blaring television(nothing was on in particular), my irritation nearly rose to the surface as I struggled to chain the feeling up and distribute it in a mature matter.
"Jesse," I cooed, stroking the side of his beautiful face with my finger. He looked at me and smiled, putting an arm around me. I sighed comfortably and leaned my head against the side of his rippled chest. His leftover cologne was still faintly on his warm skin.
"You're so beautiful, you know that?" He complimented in an easy-going, husky voice, running his fingers through my brown hair. It depleted my irritated feeling but replaced it with a discomfort of how to bring up the subject.
I kissed him on the cheek and got to my feet, carrying our glasses to the sink. This would make it so I didn't have to concentrate so hard while pacing back and forth in front of him. "You know, when you were going to the bathroom earlier..."
"Mm-hmm," he replied sweetly.
"There was a message on the answering machine from Sarah." I squeezed my eyes shut, facing the kitchen sink and preparing myself for what was to come next.
"Oh," he said, and I was unsure if he would finish his sentence or not. Obviously it was not the conversation he wanted to be having.
"Jesse," I repeated, getting irritable. "I hate to be the jealous type, but honestly, two-sided relationships aren't really my thing. I mean, there's the getting hurt, and yes, the jealousy, I admit... and it's not like I want you all to myself- well, no, I do, but..."
"Shh," Jesse comforted me, putting a finger to my lips. He bent down to kiss me, and my mind went fuzzy. He was dancing around the subject, and putting up a good fight to do so. I pulled myself away from him.
"Have you even talked to Sarah since last month when we started this whole mess?" I questioned, concern on my face.
"Remi," he said my name softly.
"Please tell me you're not that guy who's too chicken shit to break up with your own girlfriend." I hated everything about that statement, the fact that I was one of those girls, the ones my old boyfriends would be with when I wasn't around to know about it. Yes, it was a tough situation, but he couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't do this anymore, and I wanted the proof that Jesse and I would work out.
Jesse closed his eyes and rubbed his thumb and forefinger on his forehead. "Remi...it's been a month. It's too early. I just want us to be for awhile, ok?" His hands were on my shoulders as he kissed my neck.
The next day, my own unofficial rulebook of relationship experience kicked in. Rule # 57 of Dr. Remi's Dating Advice: If he's cheating with you, he's most likely to cheat on you when you make it exclusive. Rule # 87: Honey, this is one start to another crappy one. This is not just "seeing" him- no way. If this guy's as obsessed with you as you are of him, 80% chances are that he's unhappy and just enjoying the thrill of his escape from his own relationship.
I tossed and turned, finally deciding to get up and two-way call my friends for guidance. I decided to call Jenny, since she was the most unforgiving and hardest to get through after you've given her the cold shoulder for awhile. "Hello?" Jenny responded as she picked up the phone.
"Hey," I replied. "It's me."
"Remi? Wow, how long has it been, a year?"
"Sorry, Jen," I apologized. I hadn't realized how into this situation with Jesse I was. "I've been caught up in some deadlines..."
"Oh, bullshit, Remi. Jesse's got your full attention now- we're not stupid. Glad you finally called since you have the time," she threw in sarcastically.
I said nothing. She was right.
Jenny huffed out a long, slow breath, taking time to start her next sentence. "I'm sorry, Remi. I've just been so frustrated with you not letting me in and all. I mean, Monica and I did help you get him."
"I know," I said truthfully. "I really am grateful."
"Aww, we love you anyway," Jenny said, getting back to her usual cheerful spirit. " And I'm glad you took our advice and you still look sexy. So how are things with Jesse anyway, if I'm ok to ask?"
"Yes, it's fine," I assured. "You asking me, I mean. Hey, I kind of wanted to do a two-way call with you and Monica. Would that be ok?"
"Sure, if you can reach her. I called and she hasn't been answering the phone. I wonder if she went out with that Bryan guy? She kept talking about him yesterday."
"Oh, yeah, I forgot. She's probably sleeping with him at the moment," I grumbled.
"More than likely. Now it's just me who needs some action. I guess I'm kind of jealous of you and Monica," Jenny joked.
"Ha," I retorted. "If anything, Monica is the only lucky one right now." I sank into Jesse's couch grimly. He was away at work, so I could be free to talk about anything I wanted at the moment.
"Why? What's going on? He's not having sex with you anymore?"
"Oh, believe me, we are," I said matter-of-factly. "But it's that girlfriend thing that's driving me up the wall."
"Well, it's only been a month, right? Give it time."
"That's what he said," I muttered. "But that's the thing, Jen. He's been cheating on his girlfriend- for a month. And the last thing I want to do is go all unworthy cheater girl on him and claim him as rightfully mine. But it's the hiding around that annoys me. If I'm with him, I should be 'that cool girl Jesse shows off to his friends', not 'that bitch who's sneaking around with Sarah's boyfriend."
"No one knows, though, so technically you're not a bitch."
I chuckled. "You know what I mean, Jen. I don't want to be ashamed of us anymore. I want to be able to see him with the freedom and without the worrying about his girlfriend walking into his apartment one day. That's it- that's what I want. No dirty little secret, and no more sneaking around."
"Yeah, that does make sense," Jenny replied thoughtfully. "Why don't you give him an ultimatum?"
"It just doesn't make sense to leave him for that, though, considering it's my fault."
"Yeah, but don't you think she deserves to know what's going on? He may be ok with cheating, but that doesn't mean you're not ok with it. And that he has to hurt someone he loves."