I guess I'm old-fashioned. If a lady looked and acted and smelled pretty, you complimented her on her good tastes. It made her feel feminine, sexy, appealing – Special!
These days are long gone, ground into the dust of a new, "sterile", impersonal age.
I had been working at Integrated Allied for about 2 years now.
I've always had a deep love for belly-dancers; what they do, the way they use their bodies, the very sweet sexiness of their bellies, their navels and the way they sway and shiver, shimmy and totally mesmerize you, drawing your mind, your body, your whole being into their lovely, erotic dance.
Standing about 5' tall, with dark hair past her shoulders and tiny, petite features, she was so very PRETTY!!!! She looked like she had Spanish features, but others as well – possibly Celtic. She could have been one of my sisters, as each one of them shared her features. On the very first day that she started working with our company I knew she was a belly-dancer; she told me. She had been listening to Middle Eastern music. When I asked her about the music she told me then that she was a belly-dancer. There was this convention coming up and she wanted to use the company camera to capture pictures of the dancers. I explained to her I thought it would be all right.
Looking back on it now, what a foolish mistake it was to say this, but I revealed to her that I was deeply thrilled by belly-dancers.
I suppose that set the precedence right there – although she seemed at the beginning to be pleased that I liked belly-dancers, even allowing me to borrow her CDs to burn copies of her music.
In my mind, I was totally thrilled that I had a friend that was a "BELLY-DANCER!!!!" I was in Heaven! Stupid-me, I even wrote her an e-mail telling her how very thrilled I was to see a smiling face every morning - rather than looking at the "Goony" faces of some of my other fellow employees in support. I never got an answer back from her – so, fearing that she resented or was somehow embarrassed by my e-mails, I stopped writing to her. It was wonderful, though, the other guys would tease her and she seemed to like it, teasing back. I was a little shy, so I never did enter into it. Although approaching her mid 30's I would say, she was GORGEOUS! My eyes hurt every time I looked at her – and she had a way of playing with her hair and then arching her back, her tee shirt riding up and showing her cute navel. The view to me was HEAVENLY!!!!
GOD, it hurts to this day! I'll never forget walking down the hall with her. She was wearing a perfume that was very sweet and fragrant, a very nice smell – and I commented to her that I liked her perfume. Later on, I was called into my supervisor's office saying that a complaint had been filed against me. I had commented on a girl's perfume. It was termed as sexual harassment! GOD, I was so HURT that she would do this to me! Thinking she was a friend, and holding a small amount of fan worship, I was and still am, attracted to her. I've never been great on social graces and occasionally I would say or do something that would get me into trouble, not because I meant anything lewd or anything, but because I thought the girl really WAS pretty, or because I held an affection for her and thought her "wonderful." I thought Celina was "wonderful". All those other hurts in my mind, I was crushed at this "betrayal!"
For the longest time, I could not lift my eyes to look at her. I stared down at the floor or someplace else. I didn't WANT her to know how very hurt I was. I've never been very good at hiding my feelings either – face it! I'm a MESS!!! I'm SURE she could see how hurt I was. Oddly enough, out of the corner of my eye, I would still see her glance at me. Was she looking at me because she was wary of me? I'm not a young person, and maybe that's where the resentment comes from, because I'm NOT young and I shouldn't be feeling these feelings: "Quote! - Unquote!" GOD! She'd be standing there, and, out of the corner of my eye, I would even notice her arch her back a little, revealing her tummy and then quickly glance at me as if I had noticed (or if I was leering?).
It never got any better. I had gotten my hand slapped really, really HARD and from that day forward, I did all I could not to say ANYTHING to her except totally job related – not even a joke or a comment about the weather.
Still, here it came! She complained that I had made a comment about her clothes! As far as I remembered, I didn't DARE say anything personal to her at ALL!!!! GOD, I hate being so Emotional!!! My boss told me about it and said if this happens again, I would be FIRED! I ranted, raved and yelled that "I DIDN'T DO OR SAY ANYTHING!" I suppose they relented because they told me that the two of us would need to find a way to work with each other – and that she would be getting this same lecture – but if this happens again, one of us would have to leave. I never seemed to have gotten that letter in my file that they said I was going to get. Or, at least they never showed it to me.
Later on, I was even assigned to WORK with her, side-by-side helping with QA'ing the products – testing and reporting. Day-by-day, we worked next to each other on the various test benches and said very, very little to each other. It seems things were getting better, though, because I did find out that she enjoyed the same type of movies I did. The day before, I had again watched the movie "The Mummy" and was dumbstruck by how very similar the heroine looked to Celina. I mentioned to her that I liked the modern version of "The Mummy", not daring to mention about "the heroine", with all the Egyptology stuff in it, thinking that because she was a belly-dancer, that she would like Egyptology stuff. I also mentioned "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" and "The Hunt for Red October." I told her that I enjoyed the interplay between Sean Connery and Harrison Ford, in "Last Crusade". She admitted to me that she liked those movies too.
Things did seem to be getting better between her and me – I tried my best not to be angry or resentful with her, but even started to greet her with "good morning" and saying, "have a good lunch" and things. She even offered me half her sandwich one day – it was a very good sandwich.
Walking down the hall, I would notice her looking at me and giving me a smile. Although I was still trying to keep from offending her, keeping my eyes averted; inwardly I smiled back. Still, one day I mentioned to her that I really needed to be back in QA helping out, having been intermittently pulled to other duties. She said "No, that's ok, we really don't need the help" despite her supervisors asking me to help. GOD, will I ever get away from it!!!??? A huge feeling of rejection rushed through me.
Days before, during QA'ing, I remember my supervisor coming in and checking on us one time, asking about something. His parting comment to both of us was "Are you two playing nicely together? No problems?" GOD, I could tell BOTH of us were totally MORTIFIED!!!! She didn't say anything and neither did I! I sat like a STONE, my face and ears burning.
Sally, this other girl that I work with; she and I have become really good friends. Although older than Celina, she's really CUTE with this pretty blonde hair and these "pixie" features. She seems to be a lot more understanding about things so she and I became quite close. When the boss would say something stupid or rant about something, she and I would glance at each other and smile, inwardly rolling our eyes to the heavens and gasping. She even lets me give her a hug now and then or a kind pat on the back during really high stress times – just to let her know that I care. I found I could talk to her over just about anything.
I guess I had to tell someone – I told her about what's been going on between Celina and I; not naming Celina by name – I didn't have to. She knows how attracted I am to belly-dancers, and of course she also knows that Celina is one. She knows that I really care very deeply about the people I work with – considering them more than just fellow employees but "friends," even Celina.
Earlier I had mentioned that I was a rock painter and had even brought in some of my rocks – including this really cute raccoon I had done years before. Sally told me that Celina was impressed and had asked how I had gotten such very fine texture to the fur.
