He had told himself over and over it was only a crush. He had thought he'd managed to forget her after not seeing her for months, but then the one year reunion came.
The airline was paying for their travel from wherever they were to get together and talk with counselors and each other. What would he say in front of the group? What would he say to her? Was he the only one still dreaming about the flames? Was he the only one needing to talk about what happened but wanting to run away at the same time? He'd heard a trauma like this could permanently scar someone emotionally. What if she didn't have room in her life for him? What if she didn't even notice him? What if she did? Is that what he wanted?
He changed his mind over and over about whether to attend or not. In the end he knew that he would go and it hadn't ever really been a question. He sent in his reservation and received his ticket promptly. In the packet he also received, he saw that there was an Internet site set up for them to check in for information and places they could submit their own stories.
He checked the attendance list every day for her name. It never appeared. Had he remembered it correctly? He knew he did. He'd wished for her every day since then. Victoria Whita! They'd met after their lives had been changed forever, although he'd noticed her on the plane across the aisle and wanted to run his fingers through her long hair. So, she wasn't going to be there. He still needed to go.
He could have chosen the train, as they would have paid for that too. He wanted to fly again, to prove that although his life was turned upside down, the memories wouldn't take over his life. His first class seats didn't help ease the rerun of memories in his mind each time the plane hit turbulence, and he gripped the seat.
Thinking of Victoria would distract him. They had all been assigned a special ward of the hospital where they were all taken. Some died, some lived, some scarred outside, but all carried scars inside. She had grieved the trauma differently than he. She wore her pain on her face, in the bend of her shoulders, and in the lack of care she took for her appearance. He hid his pain behind his smiles, behind the neatly shaven face. She let out her tears with others, clinging to them, needing a life line to bring sense to the pain. He had only let out his tears when the bandage on his leg wound was changed, and at night when he woke up in a sweat of memories. She had started reaching out and helping others on her good days, but he'd remained distant.
He wanted to be strong for her. He approached her while she was staring out the window into the sky. She hadn't looked at him, but they'd talked casually. After that day he was drawn to her. Drawn to her personality, to her beauty. He was drawn too by the desire to make her smile.
His leg was healing. He was only walking with a cane but no permanent damage was predicted. Her legs were fine and she sometimes helped him stand after they talked. He couldn't stay away and they talked every day. Her burns were healing. The burns covered her right hand, arm and up to her right cheek. She didn't talk about it, but he'd asked the nurse and found out part of her hair had also been on fire and so she'd had her whole scalp shaved. The hair was growing back, but the curve of her head still obvious.
He'd felt a stirring of lust for her when he'd seen her happy and smiling across the plane, and had wondered about her. Now even with her scars she stirred lust in him, but now it was so much more. He wanted to be with her every minute. He wanted to take care of her. He wanted to rescue this beauty from the tragedy they'd experienced together. He wanted her to be his own beauty.
He could picture her now with the long hair before everything had changed. Mostly he could picture her as she was when he developed this crush on her, with the scars and spiked hair. Together they'd found some peace. Each day opening up more to each other, each day looking more into each others eyes and less time staring at the sky.
His eyes were drawn to the sky outside the plane now. They'd fallen from the sky. They should have all been dead. At the time he believed that maybe he and Victoria had been saved for each other. Now he just told himself it was a crush, an emotional reaction to an intense experience.
The plane ride ended inconsequentially, but he was still emotionally spent. They were all to stay at the same hotel, and meet in the morning. He signed in and spent the evening watching mindless television, not allowing himself to think about reality.
He moved on with his life after leaving Victoria, after leaving the hospital. He'd been a fifth grade teacher but they had already found an alternate teacher for his class. He knew he needed a job with less emotional output daily, and found a job as a librarian in a small library. Some friends didn't understand the changes happening in him, and they'd drifted apart. Some friends stayed with him. He'd still used a cane the last time he saw Victoria but now he walked without a limp.
The sleeping pills kept him asleep until his alarm clock awoke him. He wasn't ready to meet anyone and ordered room service for breakfast. It was only a crush. He told himself for the tenth times that morning. He'd come this whole way and wanted to open himself up for healing, but could feel his walls going up as the time to meet everyone approached.
The day before he left the hospital he'd told her how he felt about her. He had held her hand, rubbed his fingers over the scarred skin of her cheek. That day he'd fancied himself in love with her. His love for her seemed to give him life, and a desire to live. His declaration proved the opposite for Victoria and she'd cried and pulled away from him. She seemed to regress to the depression she was in right after arrival to the hospital. He hadn't seen her since.
The depression and exhileration that comes after a plane crash. The emotions that are uncontrollable after viewing intensely the fragility of life. The screams that come from seeing your skin on fire. They were in the back of the plane that had crashed to the earth nose first, they had been the lucky ones, the newspaper said.
