"Bryan, how do you do it?" asked Dave.
"Do what?" I asked back.
"Dude, we've been working the same slow afternoon shift here at the tasting room and your tips are literally 3 times mine!" Dave complained. "We've worked the same number of groups. I don't get it!"
"It's all about 'The Process'," I said.
Dave was a young new server/sommelier in training at Willow Ridge winery, here in the heart of Sonoma. He wasn't doing well at all in his new job. His previous job was at some dive bar. It left him with a lot of bad habits.
"The process?" Dave asked quizzically.
"Yes, 'The Process'," I explained. "Your approach is all wrong. This isn't some bar slinging cheap alcohol at twenty somethings. This is a winery. You need to take your time. Get to know your clientele. Jeez, you nearly doused wine all over the gentleman at the last table you were serving! Why the fuck are you rushing everything?
"I'm just trying to keep up," Dave explained. "I feel like I'm always behind. I don't know how you do it. You always seem like you're in control, even when we're mobbed. Seems like on our busiest days I'm rushing around just trying to get wine in front of these people. You, on the other hand, seem like you are holding court, shaking hands, getting looks from every available woman. Everyone knows you, I don't get it."
"You have to trust 'The Process'," I reiterated, just as Charles, a longtime patron of Willow Ridge, stepped up to the tasting counter.
"Charles, sir! Good to see you again," I said as I reached out for a firm handshake. "Let me guess, you're here to try the new Cabernet we've just released."
"Excellent guess, Bryan," said Charles. "But of course, I want to hear from you what you think of it before I take the plunge."
"Well Charles, why don't we take the plunge together," I said as I placed two red wine glasses and a small decanter on the counter. I poured the wine into the decanter and continued my convo with Charles.
"You're in a little early today Charles, are they getting soft over at your law firm?" I asked. I swirled the decanter demonstrably in front of him, letting the wine soak up a little oxygen while mesmerizing him with the red elixir.
"Ha, fat chance of that!" replied Charles. "Lucky for me we just settled on a big liability case, so I was able to take the rest of the day. Figured I'd make the most of it!"
"Well then, you came to the right place," I replied. "You're going to like this one Charles, It's one of the best vintages in a long time. Bold up front, but finishes with notes of chocolate and vanilla. It's complex. Beats last year's vintage hands down. It's right up your alley." I poured the wine from the decanter into the two glasses, making sure Charles received the lion's share.
"Let me taste for myself then," replied Charles.
We did the dance of the professional wine tasters. See, swirl, sniff, sip and savor. Or at least I did, Charles practically gargled his wine. I guess he was trying to show off.
"So what's the verdict, counselor?" I asked.
"Oh boy...that's really good!" He announced. "I came in to get a case of your Malbec, but now I don't know what I'm going to buy!"
"Well, you can't go wrong with the Malbec," I said. "Here, tell you what, let me set you up at a table with both wines and some curated cheeses. I think it will help you make up your mind."
"Thanks, Bryan! Excellent idea as usual," replied Charles. I ducked back into the kitchen and put in the custom cheese order then led him over to a table with two full pours. I headed back over to Dave.
"Learn anything?" I asked Dave.
"What? You poured a dude some wine. What was I supposed to learn?" said Dave as he looked at me with a blank stare.
"Jesus Dave," I glared back. "Were you paying any attention at all? I practically spelled it all out for you right there. You're a basket case. I give up."
"No...wait," stammered Dave. "I want to learn the process."
"I'm not sure you'll get it," I complained. "If I do this, teach you 'The Process', do you promise to put your heart into it? If you don't, you'll just go down in flames."
"Yes, yes, I'll do it!" clamored Dave. "I need to get more tips, I'll do anything!"
"Dude, this isn't about just getting more tips," I started. "You need to put that out of your mind."
"Then what's the point?" asked Dave.
"The point is to master 'the Process'. Once you do, the tips will flow in, along with other things," I counseled.
"Other things?" asked Dave.
"Look, are you ready to commit to this?" I asked. "You said yourself that you feel like you can barely keep up."
"Yeah, Yeah, I'll commit. Really I will." pleaded Dave.
"OK young padawan," I said with a smirk. "The Process is tried and true. Master it and you too will reap the rewards. Increased tips are just the beginning. All kinds of things will start coming your way. You'll have more friends than you can count. You'll be part of the 'in crowd'. I can't tell you how many celebrity parties I've been to. You'll get perks left and right. Discounts, gifts, stock tips, you name it."
"I don't believe you," Dave commented.
"There's more," I continued. "And it's the best part. The women. Once you master 'The Process' you'll have no problems getting some of these luscious ladies to follow you to the bedroom. Once I finally mastered "The Process' it's been a veritable cavalcade of pussy!"
"I had that at the bar!" protested Dave.
"I doubt it," I countered. "Sure, maybe you had a girl or two bounce on your knob because they wanted free drinks. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about having a real relationship with a real woman. Not some random hookup."
"Well, I'm not interested in getting married," protested Dave.
"Look, you do what you want with it," I explained. "But 'The Process' will help you put your shoes under her bed. Sure, sometimes it only ends up being a one night stand, but they always end up apologizing to me if they can't go beyond that. Not the other way around."
"Don't you get your feelings hurt then?" asked Dave.
