Even at a time like this, while seeing his baby girl for the first time, unable to stop himself from pondering, he wondered how different she'd look if he had the baby with Emma instead of with Lorraine. He wondered if they would have had a boy instead of a girl. He imagined how much happier he'd be if Emma was the one in the maternity ward and not Lorraine. In the way he felt guilty thinking of Emma when he was standing at the altar marrying Lorraine, he felt guilty and felt like such a cad for thinking of another woman at a time like this.
Then, out of the blue, he wondered about something that he never wondered about before. No doubt the birth of his daughter inspired the thought. He didn't use protection when he had sex with Emma. What if he made her pregnant? He couldn't remember if he had ejaculated in her or not before her father caught them having sex. Even if he didn't ejaculate, all it would take is one drop of pre-cum to impregnate her.
What if Emma getting pregnant was the reason why her father shipped her out of the country? What if she kept the baby instead of aborted the baby? What if she had a son? What if he has a son somewhere that he's never met? Only, he seriously doubted getting her pregnant. Why would someone like her, a rich girl, ruin her life to burden herself with a baby as if she's some ghetto baby's mama? She had other options available to her. There's no way she'd have that baby when she was starting college that September.
His life was over when he said "I do." Now married to the wrong woman and having a child with the wrong woman, he was doomed. When the obstetrician severed that umbilical cord, severing all chances with Emma, the birth of his daughter was the end of his love for Emma.
Even if he bumped into Emma now, she'd never want a man who left his wife and newborn baby for her. Even though this should be the beginning of his life with Lorraine, with him not in love with her in the way he was in love with Emma, his life was over. Difficult enough for him to have one woman on his mind, now he had three, Lorraine, his newborn baby girl, and Emma, always and forever, Emma.
* * * * *
With the ever more distant memory of her always on his mind, unable to stop himself from thinking about her, he wondered about Emma again. He wondered where she was. He wondered if she was married and if she had children in the way that he just had his first baby without her, the love of his life. As happy as he was with his newborn, baby girl and as terrible as it sounds but, if she appeared right here and right now, he'd leave Lorraine and his new, baby daughter for Emma.
Emma is the woman he always loved. Emma is the woman he always wanted. Emma is the woman that he'd love forever. Yet, Emma was gone. Even if he found her again, stumbled upon her at the beach where he first met her, would she even remember him? Or with their first meeting just a sexual moment in time, would she remember who the Hell he is? Maybe she did what she did to him to a multitude of men. Maybe sexually teasing and enticing men was nothing more than a joke to her.
As if she suddenly died and was dead and buried, married now with child, how could he continue to pine over the loss of her? He needed to get on with his life. Not fair to his wife, as if he had been cheating on Lorraine by thinking of Emma, he needed to forget about her. Not fair to him, he had been torturing himself with the memory of her.
He needed to excise Emma from his mind. He needed to stop allowing her to haunt him. He needed to enjoy what he had before him instead of lusting over what he didn't have and would never have. He needed to focus his love on Lorraine and on his newborn, baby daughter. How dare he even think of another woman at a time like this? Yet, he did.
Something not to be, deep down in the pit of his stomach, he felt empty. He felt hungry. He felt incomplete without having Emma in his life. He felt cheated. Instead of feeling happy on what should have been the second happiest day of his life, he felt sad. Yet, if he was counting the happiest days of his life, getting married to Lorraine and her giving birth to their daughter would pale in comparison to the day that he met and had sex with Emma.
Why wasn't she in his life? Why wasn't he with her? As if God played a joke on him, why was he with Lorraine instead of with Emma, the love of his life? After finally finding her, how so very tragic for him to lose her? How so very tragic to suffer through life not only married to the wrong woman but also to have a child with the wrong woman? Now, with the memory of her still haunting him, he wished he had never met Emma.
* * * * *
Twenty-five years after he married Lorraine, Emma was even more of a distant memory. Instead of thinking of her every day, multiple times a day, he thought of her whenever he saw something that reminded him of the memory of her. He thought of her whenever he had his hand around his cock and was masturbating himself over the sexual memory of her. Even then, he still remembered her but he couldn't clearly see her as he once had. Quieted by the sounds of his everyday life, after twenty-five years of being married to Lorraine, no longer could he hear the sexy sound of Emma's voice or the melodious sound of her laugh.
As if she never really existed and was nothing more than a mere, faded figment of his imagination, still sometimes haunting him, she was relegated to being a distant ghost from his past. With every day that passed, he thought less of her. As if she was dead and long since buried, with every day that passed, he missed her less. Yet, on those days that he was the most restless, loneliest, and horniest, there were some days that he could clearly see her as if she was standing there in his house and in his bedroom.
On those days that he could clearly see her, those were the days that he missed her the most. Those were the days that he regretted marrying Lorraine. Those were the days that he realized the mistake he made in marrying Lorraine instead of Emma. Those were the days that he wondered how different his life would have been married to Emma. Those were the days when he was so sad that he could just crack and crumble like dust falling to his feet.
Only, even time couldn't get in the way of the love he felt for her and would always feel for her. If he were to see her right here and right now, he'd leave his present life to live his future life with her. Only, chances are, she wouldn't even remember who in the Hell he is. Chances are, just as she wouldn't like the man he had become, he wouldn't want the woman she was now.
Just because he's always been in love with her doesn't mean that she's always been in love with him. Just because he still thinks of her doesn't mean that she still thinks of him. Just because the memory and the possibilities of her in his life haunts him doesn't mean that the memory and the possibilities of him in her life haunts her. After not seeing her in more than two and a half decades, no doubt, she's a totally different woman than the 19-year-old women he met.
* * * * *
As if he was the only one there, Robert stared through all of the people who were in church as he walked his daughter, Cynthia, down the aisle in her wedding dress to give her away. Then, once again, of all times and in all places, as if she haunted him, he thought of Emma. He imagined beautiful, sexy Emma sitting in the first row instead of seeing Lorraine sitting there so proudly and profoundly happy at her daughter's wedding.
He wondered how different his daughter would have looked if Emma had been her mother instead of Lorraine. Definitely, she'd be taller and have bigger tits. Perhaps instead of having his chestnut brown hair and ordinary brown eyes, she'd take after her mother and have blue-black hair with violet, blue eyes instead of having brown hair and brown eyes. It amazed him how one change in marrying one woman over another woman had a continued chain reaction in altering his life forever.
'Emma,' he wanted to scream. 'Emma,' he wished she was there waiting to take him away with her to Europe.
How dare he even think of another woman at a time like this? Yet, he did. With this one of the happiest days of his life, he was sad. Not fair to Lorraine or fair to his daughter, he has wasted his whole life thinking of the one woman he wanted instead of thinking of the two woman he had. Again, as he's felt throughout his life, he felt cheated. He felt deceived. As if prematurely pulled from his heart, he felt denied her love. As if someone had played an evil joke on him for him to see how his life could have been before pulling the plug and exposing the prank, he made the best out of what he had.
Obviously he had Lorraine instead of Emma. With Lorraine a wonderful woman, a good mother, a great cook, and a happy homemaker, but a total, uninspired dud in bed, he could have done much worse. With him always the sensitive, attentive, and loving husband, he couldn't help but wonder how different his life would have been married to Emma instead of to Lorraine. Definitely, for sure, the sex would be so much better. Not only wasn't she any good at having sex, Lorraine didn't like sex. Yet, sex wasn't everything he told himself and actually sometimes believed that until he thought of Emma French kissing him in her hall while she was topless.
Unlike Emma who gobbled his cock, Lorraine didn't suck cock, she dabbled. He couldn't remember when she took his cock in her mouth. Uncomfortable taking his stiff prick in her mouth, she kissed his cock and licked his cock instead of sucking his cock. Instead of ejaculating his sexual lust in Emma's willing mouth, he had to be content to cum on Lorraine's modest breasts. In their 25 years of marriage, never has he ever ejaculated his cum in Lorraine's mouth. Begging her to blow him, really suck him, she refused taking him in her mouth. Instead she gave him hand jobs, a thousand hand jobs when he prefer that she'd blow him just once.
Certainly sex isn't everything, especially now that he's older, more mature, and has less testosterone running through his veins. Yet, had he married Emma, a sexual firecracker, a real sex bomb, sexually, he could have done so very much better. With Emma loving to travel and Lorraine such a homebody, his life would have been so very different in virtually all respects. He couldn't even imagine how different his life would have been with Emma in his life, in his head, and in his bed instead of Lorraine.
