Subway Girl

I had another night of restlessness, but this time I was plagued by nightmares. I dreamt I was drowning and woke up gasping for air. I managed to fall back asleep, but then I dreamt my tooth was loose and when I started wiggling it the tooth fell right out in my hands, only to then have all my teeth start falling out. I was relieved to wake up and feel my teeth still intact, but it was four in the morning and I couldn't fall back to sleep. I read some, and then decided to go for a run before work because I was so antsy and there isn't much you can do at five a.m.

I put on my new running shoes I got from Thomas, along with my soccer shorts and a t-shirt. It was already warm even though the sun was just coming up. The air was heavy with humidity and there were less people around than usual, but New York never sleeps so there was still some activity. I decided to run to the park. I don't really run like a jogger: I am used to playing soccer, so I think I started out too fast and had to slow down and find a pace I could sustain. My mind was busy, thinking about Alicia and what a shock she had given me. It could have been much worse. I worried about the future and what was going to happen and felt really helpless and angry about it.

After showering and eating, I sent a text to her mom's phone. "How's she doing today?"

Janice texted back, "She is recovering well and they might release her tomorrow."

I texted, "Can you tell her I will visit after work?"

I waited a few seconds before seeing the text, "Hey, it's me. Yes, please come soon! I miss you! But sorry, no salsa tonight."

I forgot we had a date and couldn't believe how much things had changed since that good memory of dancing in her living room. I texted back, "Plenty of time for that. Just get better, Dream-Girl."

* * * * *

Work was easy. Don basically just walked the job with me and went over the plans and told me about the two new guys I would be in charge of on Monday. One was a young low-skilled general laborer, the other an experienced guy who Don said will be making a good wage - and that I should keep an eye on him to make sure he was earning it. "What about Lenny?" I asked.

"He's gonna' have four guys under him."

"Whoa."

Don continued to go over specific plans for the week and I asked a lot of questions and took notes using the new clipboard he had given me. When Don showed me the architect's rendering of what the loft would look like when finished, I got really excited. When he told me we were done at noon, I was even more excited, since I was anxious to get to the hospital.

But I wanted to run a few errands, like get a new backpack and return the one Louisa had lent me. I also planned to go by the flower shop. I knew they sold flowers at the hospital, but I wanted to give Tracy my business.

"Hey," she greeted me when I entered her store. "Let me guess: things have progressed to red-rose-level?"

"Uh, well... maybe, but that doesn't seem appropriate today. I'm not sure what I want today."

"Hmmm. I'm not sure how to interpret that." Tracy got up off her stool and asked, "What catches your eye?"

"Besides that tattoo on your side?" I teased her. Tracy was wearing a shirt that was shredded on both sides and I could see a large tattoo on her torso. She pulled up her shirt to reveal a large dragon going down her side, the head obviously hidden under her shorts.

"This was my first," she offered.

"So you didn't just walk into a tattoo shop a little buzzed and pick a cute little butterfly off the wall. You went 'all-in' from the start."

"Yeah, that's my style," Tracy laughed.

"Hey, I don't think I ever told you how much I liked

The Buffalo Hunter

."

"You read that book?"

"Yeah, it was really good, really incredibly intense."

"I know, right?" Tracy pushed her glasses up her nose, a super cute and nerdy gesture, and said, "I'm trying to write a book, you know."

"Yeah, you said that. How's that going?"

"I think it's good, but I could really use some feedback."

"I'll check it out. I'm not an expert, but I read a lot and I know what I like."

"Really, you will?" Her face got excited. "Can I email it to you?"

"I don't have a computer," I admitted.

"Well I'll just print out the first chapter for you now. And if you want more you'll have to come see me again. Oh, and to buy flowers for your girlfriend too, of course," she added. Tracy went back behind the counter and started printing while I looked around. I thought about "What catches your eye?" and I kept going back to these pink and white flowers.

Tracy came back with a stack of papers and seeing what I was looking at said, "Peonies. What do you think it is attracting you to them?"

"Well, they look really pretty, extremely feminine, and incredibly fragile."

"Touch one, Ray." I did and was surprised. The flowers looked like tissue paper, like they would crumble if I touched them, and it is true the petals were very soft and delicate. But the flowers themselves felt really hearty, like a dense ball, much stronger than I imagined.

"I love those flowers," Tracy said.

"Me too," and I handed her a twenty and let her do her magic with flowers and green leafy stuff and bows. I thanked my friend as I folded her other masterpiece in half and put it in my backpack. "Thanks for trusting me to read your book."

"Thanks for being interested," she smiled, and waved as I headed out the door.

* * * * *

I was happy Janice wasn't in the room when I walked in, but Alicia appeared to be sleeping. I sat down in the chair next to her and her eyes gently opened, "Hey," she said very slowly.

"Were you dreaming about me?" I asked, leaning over to kiss her.

I heard a voice from behind me say, "Watch out for her heart rate, young man!" and turned to see a woman who was smiling and obviously teasing me. She gestured to a machine and said, "She usually hovers around 70-80 beats per minute. If that goes over a hundred, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

I laughed and apologized while Alicia and the woman I assumed was a nurse exchanged glances. "You must be Ray. I don't shake hands, trying to avoid spreading infection," she explained as she bobbed in a sort of curtsey. It made me happy to think Alicia had told the nurse about me, but I couldn't imagine why.

The woman pulled up a chair, which I still didn't understand, then explained, "My name is Margaret and I'm Alicia's therapist, at least while she is here and I hope after she leaves here too."

"Well she is covered by my insurance," Alicia teased. I could see she must like the woman and I was very relieved someone was talking to her about her situation.

"I have a talk scheduled with Alicia right now, which explains why Janice isn't hovering about. But I'd like you to stay for a few minutes."

"Okay, cool. Then I'll go get something to eat." I said, rubbing my abdomen. I was starving.

"Ray, thank you for the beautiful flowers," Alicia said in a softer voice that made me wish I had her alone.

"You're welcome, beautiful," I answered softly and picked up her hand and kissed it. "But who are all these others from?" I asked, trying not to sound jealous.

"The big one is from my work, the tulips from our family friends, the Winstons. You'll meet them, I'm sure."

"Alicia, I was hoping you could tell Ray how you are feeling about your heart attack."

Alicia immediately turned red and her eyes filled with tears as she looked down, "Aside from humiliated? Everyone at work is going to know there is something wrong with me. My coworkers will look at me differently, and... well, to be honest, I am relieved to get a leave of absence from school."

I didn't say anything and neither did Margaret.

"And, um, I know I have been downplaying this because my mom and dad are so upset with me, but I know how bad this is. I know..." Alicia hesitated and looked up at me, and then back at the sheet she was twisting in her hands, "I know if I was at home when this happened and not surrounded by people, well... It could have been way more serious. It is possible I could have even died."

I nodded but didn't speak. I couldn't speak with the lump in my throat anyway. It was exactly what I was thinking during my run that morning, what if Alicia were home alone instead of at work.

"And, um, I don't expect anyone to believe me because I have said this all before, but I want to get better. I want to be healthy and not do this anymore. But I've said that before and my family won't believe me, but I do mean it, Ray." She had been speaking slowly, hesitantly - I think the word is haltingly - but the last few words came out in a rush.

"I believe you, Alicia. I just hope you can do it."

"Me too," she admitted. Then Margaret said, "Well, Ray, I hope to speak to you again, but I will talk to Alicia alone now, if you don't mind."

"Okay," I stood up and kissed Alicia gently on the lips and said, "I'll be back in an hour."

Alicia nodded, her eyes full of tears. I hated to see her so sad, but I was really glad she was getting therapy even if it didn't work in the past, I still had hope. I needed her to get well so bad.

* * * * *

After eating a sandwich in the cafeteria and killing some time reading, I went back up to the room to find Alicia alone, sitting up reading a book. "Whatcha' reading?" I asked.

"Oh, one of my mom's cheesy romance novels," she laughed.

"Don't you like romance?" I asked.

"Well, yes, I admit I do. I would just be embarrassed to be seen reading this on the subway!" She held up the cover that showed a woman with her breasts pouring out of her dress being held by a man with long hair and a mask and we both laughed. Alicia set the book on the night stand and said, "Now that I am going to take a break from school, I'll have time to read again. Maybe you can recommend something?"

"Definitely. Or we can go see my friend William and he'll do this weird thing where he puts a hand on your forehead and figures out what type of book you need."

"Does he really do that?" she laughed.

"Well, not exactly. But he does have a knack for picking books," I laughed. "We should go there when you are better."

"My life is going to look a lot different after this. I have not told her my mom yet, but Margaret found me an outpatient program for eating disorders and I'm going to do that for three weeks."

"You're serious?" I felt my hope rising.

"Yes, Ray. I really mean it, but I don't want to keep saying I am going to change. I need to show it. I know my parents aren't going to believe me and I won't have their support, and I don't blame them. But I really..." Alicia looked around the room before making eye contact again, "Well, I just hope I didn't blow it with you."

"You didn't blow it with me," I kissed her lips, and she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me in close, opening her mouth and kissing me back very hungrily, making it obvious she wanted more than light kissing. "Alicia! Keep your heart rate down, girl!" I was teasing, but looked at the machine just in case. It bounced around from ninety-five to one hundred, and as Alicia started kissing my neck I kept my eyes on the machine.

"She was joking," Alicia assured me. "I go over one-twenty every time I argue with my mom, don't worry. Don't deny me," she giggled.

I couldn't not worry, but I couldn't help but respond to her sexy kisses and I wanted to feel what was under that hospital gown,... Ah-hah, no bra just as I suspected! Alicia made a little moan in my ear and whispered, "I can't wait to get out of here and get you alone!"

I whispered back to her, "Oh yeah? What do you want to do to me?" I slipped a hand into the back of that open gown as I kissed her neck.

"Well, for starters, I've been thinking about the last time we were together. Remember we were in a hurry and I had to take a rain check on letting you go down on me?" She was breathing in my ear as my hand got low enough to confirm she was wearing panties, when all of a sudden I heard Janice say, "Hello! I'm back!" in a sing-songy voice.

I sat up and turned around and Alicia straightened her gown and hair and said, "Hi, Mom."

"Hi, honey. Hi, Ray,"

I adjusted my pants as I sat down and said, "Hi, Janice, what's in the bag?" trying to distract her, hoping she wouldn't notice the bulge in my pants.

"Oh, just some things Alicia asked me to get from her apartment. Apparently she has a date tonight."

I looked at Alicia and she was grinning at me, "Well, since we can't go salsa dancing, I asked Mom to bring my laptop so we can watch a movie and eat hospital food together. Mom is going out with a friend tonight."

"Really? You have friends in the city?"

"Yes, I have a friend who moved here some time back and we keep in touch. She wants to take me to dinner, so you two will have to get along without me." Janice was smiling as she removed Alicia's laptop, two candles, and a bag of already popped popcorn, and a pack of red vines from her bag.

"Thanks, Mom!" Alicia was smiling and on her best behavior and her mom seemed a bit happier too, probably with the belief she would be taking her daughter home soon. Janice was dressed up, looking nice, and I was glad she was getting a break from the hospital, but even happier that I got to be alone with Alicia. The two hugged, and then Janice patted my knee and said she'd see Alicia in the morning.

Alicia scooted over on her bed and asked me to join her as she started up her laptop. We turned the lights out and lit the candles. Soon the room smelt like vanilla instead of hospital. The fragrance reminded me of Alicia's apartment and the good and sexy memories I had from there. We started up a movie and Alicia put her head on my shoulder as I had my hand on her thigh, but I stayed on top of the covers. We were interrupted by a nurse several times who kept coming in and making notes on a clipboard after looking at the machine on the side of the bed. The nurse teased us and called us lovebirds. If we were lovebirds, then a single hospital bed was our nest, but I felt happy.

Tension arrived with the dinner tray. The nurse said she was able to get an extra meal for me, which was nice of her, even though I had planned to go get something from the cafeteria. But I would never turn down a free meal. It was chicken and vegetables and rice and it looked pretty healthy to me, but Alicia had a furrowed brow and just stared at her plate. I almost offered to get her a salad from the cafeteria, but I didn't think that was the right thing to do. Alicia took a deep breath and said, "I am going to eat this and digest it and be okay."

"Of course you are," I said casually.

"That's my new mantra, what Margaret wants me to say."

"Margaret's a fucking genius," I said, laughing because I didn't really think it was a very profound mantra, but knew Alicia probably needed it.

Alicia ate about eighty percent of the food on her tray but said she couldn't finish, and the nurse told her she did really well. She didn't eat the popcorn, but she had two red vines and I noticed I had become hyper-sensitive to her discomfort around food and acutely aware of everything she ate. I hoped this wouldn't be permanent, because life is challenging enough without letting someone else's eating affect me so much.

We ended up watching two movies and then the nurse came and kicked me out saying visiting hours were over, and I kissed my Dream Girl goodnight.

"See you tomorrow?" she asked.

"Of course. Here or at home?"

"I'll text you with my mom's phone." I kissed her again until the nurse swatted me on my backside and told me to get out.

* * * * *

The next morning I woke up early, relieved that I didn't have nightmares or insomnia. But waking up at five on a Sunday morning is harsh and completely unnecessary. I decided to work out and run again, especially since I hadn't been playing soccer lately. I did my sit ups and push ups and even some sets of pull ups on the bar I had attached in the bathroom doorway. Then I laced up my shoes and headed out the door.

I paced myself a lot better that day, but my mind was running crazy. I was relieved that Alicia was planning to get help for her eating disorder, but I was really worried it wouldn't work. I knew she had tried this type of help before and wasn't convinced it would be different. Ten years was what Janice said. That hit me hard. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but hope was all I had. Without hope I had nothing. Actually, I had worse than nothing. I had fallen in love with Alicia and she was very sick. The realization felt like a punch in the gut, and it made me stop running to catch my breath.

I was almost back to my apartment and walked the rest of the way. As I passed by the Catholic church, I spontaneously stepped inside. Mass had not started and I was feeling desperate enough to talk to God about all this. I knelt in front of a statue of Jesus and bowed my head, not really sure what to say, when I felt the presence of someone next to me. I looked to my side and saw the cute little old lady fashionista who had had me escort her to the rummage sale a while back. While I was on my knees and she was standing, I was almost her height. "May I join you?" she whispered. I scooted over and held my hand out to help her kneel. "Who are you praying for today?"

"Alicia."

Still holding my hand, she closed her eyes and started praying out loud, "Lord, I don't know what Alicia needs, but you do, so Ray and I are asking that you pour your love on her and give her just what you think she needs. And bless Ray too, because he cares about her and he is hurting. Amen."

She squeezed my hand and didn't let it go. I felt really emotional, so I didn't speak for a few seconds until I felt I could. "Thanks. That wasn't a very Catholic prayer."

"I like to free-style it sometimes," she winked at me. I really liked this lady.

I stood and offered my hand to help her up. "Are you staying for Mass?" she asked.

"Uh, no, not dressed like this." I gestured to my clothes by holding my hands out.

"Oh Ray, nobody gives a damn," she said, reminding me of her penchant for cussing in church. "Besides, I've seen you look much worse." I looked at her expectantly and she went on, "You used to come in when the weather was bad and sit in the back with your hat pulled low."

I was stunned. She noticed me in my homeless state? She actually recognized and remembered me? "I thought I was invisible." I said it out loud.

"Nope. God sees everything, and I see plenty."

I laughed and that is how I got persuaded to stay for Mass that day.

* * * *

It was after eleven when I finally heard from Janice, not Alicia. She said Alicia was having another EKG and if all goes well she would be released in a few hours. She suggested I wait and just meet them at Alicia's apartment. No more hospital! I felt my shoulders relax and realized how much I hated hospitals and why.

I went over late in the afternoon. Alicia's tiny apartment felt pretty cramped with the three of us there and her mom's big suitcase on the floor. Janice might have felt the same way because within five minutes of my being there, she said she was going to the drug store to get Alicia's medication and pick up some groceries so we could eat at home.

There was no privacy to be found, so Janice said right in front of Alicia, "Keep an eye on her. Don't let her go into the bathroom alone. I mean it, Ray. And if anything happens, call 911 then call me on my cell." Alicia rolled her eyes as I agreed to Janice's request. When she walked out the door, Alicia went over to the window, apparently to make sure her mom was gone. Satisfied when she saw her on the sidewalk, Alicia turned to me and grinned and started unbuttoning her shirt.