Friday I got home from work and still had a few hours to kill before going to Alicia's, so I decided to call my dad. He answered the phone, but I was immediately reminded why I usually call him on Sunday mornings. It was obvious he had been drinking, but he wasn't slurring, just being talkative. I told him I was still working, and then I told him I'd met a girl.
"Yeah, I figured that," he said. I could hear ice clinking in the background like he was swirling his drink. "I noticed your cell phone usage just went through the roof."
"Oh, sorry, Dad. Do you want me to send some money to cover it?"
"Nah, don't worry about it. I got one of those mega-plans since it's a business expense. Just don't be going on the internet too much lookin' at porn. Your brother showed me how you can watch porn right there on the damn phone. The tiny screen is too small for my eyes, but not your brother. You gotta be careful with that shit, Raymond, you can get over-stimulated and then the normal stuff doesn't work for ya anymore and you start gettin' weird. I tell ya back in my day we thought seein' a set a hooters was a big deal. One of the kids in the neighborhood would get his hands on a Playboy and it was a big deal! We'd pass it around and I'd stare at those babes for hours, ya know what I mean? Now, one or two clicks and the things you can see! Hell, your brother -- he showed me one..."....
I zoned out after that. Here's the thing about my dad: he always dominates the conversation. I wanted to tell him about Alicia and how smart and pretty she is, but instead he starts talking to me about porn and I'm really not interested. As soon as he paused to take a drink I tried to tell him I had a date and couldn't talk much longer, but as soon as I mentioned I was going to her house he launched into his spiel about condoms, "Cuz I got lucky with your mom, she was a keeper, but most of the time guys get stuck and regret it. Hell, not to mention all the diseases. Raymond, you dunno know where this girl's been, you could be number two or three for her just this week for all you know. Hell, remember your friend..."
"Dad, I'm sorry I have to cut you off, but someone's at the door," I lied before I got really pissed. I hung up the phone and saw that it was 6:10 p.m., still plenty of time to walk to Alicia's apartment. I could take the subway, but I like walking and I wanted to pick up some flowers on the way.
At the flower shop I stood in front of the display of bouquets wondering what to get. I couldn't spend too much money, but nothing seemed quite right. The arrangements on display looked kind of audacious. I didn't want to buy a single rose because that seemed kind of clichΓ© and I had heard that different colors mean different things and I wasn't sure what they meant. I'd hate to give her the "Sorry someone died" color by mistake.
There was a girl working there, but she didn't look anxious to help. She had her nose buried in a book in the typical anti-social fashion, uneager to help me. She was perched on a stool and had huge black-framed glasses. She had that cool nerdy look going on with black hair in a sharp angled cut and colorful tattoos covering one arm. She was very pretty, but not in the soft-pretty way like Alicia. This girl was all sharp edges and color, like a piece of modern art.
There were flowers sold individually in buckets and I was considering putting a few together in a do-it-yourself bouquet, but I wasn't sure if that was allowed or what to do. I walked up to the girl at the counter and noticed the book she was reading was called
The Buffalo Hunter
.
"Is that a western?" I asked.
"What?" She looked up from her book, then turned it over and looked at the cover. Laughing she said, "No, it isn't. It actually takes place in New York."
"Really? What's it about?"
"This lonely creepy guy who reads a lot. He gets so into the books he is reading that he actually loses touch with reality."
"Oh, I didn't know my biography was out yet," I joked and got a laugh out of Flower Girl.
"You can't be that lonely if you are in here buying flowers for a girl."
"How do you know that? I could be buying flower for my mom or something."
"No, you aren't. I've been at this awhile and when guys come in to buy flowers there are three types. The first type is the 'I-fucked-up-sorry' guy. They're so guilty I can usually make good money off them. Then we have the, 'It's-her-birthday-or-anniversary-and-I have-no-imagination' guy. And then there is the least common type who is newly dating someone. They stress out the most."
"Yeah, what about the 'I-have-only-fifteen-dollars-but-don't-want-to-look-cheap' guy?"
"Oooh, a double stressor. I feel sorry for you!" She laughed at me and I didn't think it was funny, but she finally offered to help me. "What is she like? Give me five adjectives."
After pausing for a few seconds to come up with an authentic list, I answered, "Cheerful, enthusiastic, smart, sweet, hot."
"Gerber daisies," she stated, confidently.
"Aren't daises known for being cheap?"
"Not Gerbers. Come have a look."
They looked so perfect they almost looked like fake flowers. When I saw the vibrant orange Gerbers, they reminded me of Alicia's sexy shoulder shirt and her happy face. I could afford only four, but Flower Girl insisted on throwing in an extra one for free because odd numbers look better, she said. She wrapped the five of them with some green leafy stuff and they looked really good. She even tied a ribbon around them and I made the connection that she might be to flowers what William is to books. When I paid her, she gave me a card from the flower shop and said, "And if it doesn't work out with cheerful-enthusiastic-sweet-smart-hot, you know where to find me." That really surprised me. I didn't think I would be her type except we both like to read.
I arrived at Alicia's house about ten minutes early and I didn't want to seem so eager, so I stood outside and gave myself a little pep talk. Maybe an "anti-pep" talk was more accurate since I planned to stick to my word and be a perfect gentleman. Dinner would be no problem, but the movie might be challenging. An action-packed movie would be best. I knew not to get too comfortable on the couch. "Stay vertical" would be my mantra. And I'd better leave right after the movie, even though I knew I wouldn't want to. It was better to take it slow now and let her continue to warm up to me as she seemed to be doing anyway. Patience.
I pushed the intercom button next to the tiny "A. Klaer" sign so she could buzz me in, and she told me what apartment to come to on the second floor. She opened the door before I knocked and exclaimed, "Flowers! You are so sweet." Alicia hugged me and gave me a quick kiss and invited me in. Immediately my senses were overloaded by sounds, sights, and smells, but it was the sight of Alicia in yoga pants that made my heart race. The dreaded yoga pants. Some people might think that this is not a very sexy look, barefoot Alicia with a tight little t-shirt and yoga pants, but I know different. When a girl is in yoga pants she feels extra comfortable and sits with her knees pulled up and lounges about in a way she would never do in a dress. Then there is the matter of curves, which Alicia has plenty of. Yoga pants and a tight shirt show every hill and valley. But it is the lack of a waist band that is the most problematic, since there are no buttons or zippers to contend with. It is way too easy to slip your hands down a pair of yoga pants. Keeping my hands out of Alicia's pants was going to be more challenging than eating two Carnegie sandwiches.
I watched her bend over and find a vase for the flowers. Alicia was making some type of stir fry and she had a big wok on the stove, a rice steamer on the counter, and a chopping board with an array of colorful vegetables. "Wow, I thought you said you weren't much of a cook!"
"I'm really not," she answered. "I basically just steam rice and chop vegetables. I use sauce out of a jar."