Something To Live For

One I wrote quite a while ago that has been languishing on my hard drive. I tinkered and tinkered and...here it is.

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SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR

She came along at the right time.

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HENRY

It was a long way down. I don't think ever I fully understood or appreciated just how high the bridge was from the surface of the water. Of course, I had only ever been on the bridge while driving across it in my car. I had never looked down from the edge as I was doing now. And it was a long way down.

But that was the point, of course. It needed to be a long way down in order to get the job done. I didn't want to survive this and spend the rest of my life, such as it was, lying in a coma somewhere. That would be even worse. I wasn't looking to suffer; in fact, that was the whole point of my being where I was now. I didn't want to suffer anymore. I didn't want to hurt anymore.

It was late enough in the evening and the road was seldom traveled anyway, so the cars were few and far between. I supposed some of the drivers didn't see me, and any that did could always say they didn't if they had to, though I saw no reason why they would be in a position of having to explain driving past me.

But as the headlights came and went, maybe only a dozen times over the past hour, I just sat there staring down into the darkness.

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KAZEY

The clock on the dash caught my eye as it switched from 7:59 to 8:00pm. I had just come off the junction from Highway 65 and was now moving East on US 278. I had an eventual destination of a warehouse in St Louis but wasn't due there until tomorrow afternoon. I much preferred the rural roads. Not only was there less traffic but they were much more fun to drive than those boring, straight interstate freeways.

I noticed a car off to the side of the road but that wasn't entirely unusual. Gas stations were few and far between out here and it wasn't unheard of for someone low on fuel to get on one of these roads and run out before they could find their way to a gas station, so I paid it little mind.

What was unusual was someone sitting on the concrete barrier overlooking the mighty Mississippi, as there was now. I assumed the car belonged to him and it appeared that he intended for it to stay there for the foreseeable future, since he didn't plan to come back for it. I hit the brakes.

I pulled to the side as best I could and put my flashers on. The bridge was only one lane in each direction but I was sure traffic was slow enough so that my truck wouldn't be a problem. In case it wasn't clear, my truck is an 18-wheeler, Kenworth by brand, and I'm hauling a load of office furniture to an Office Max warehouse in St. Louis.

I climbed out of the cab and walked the short distance back to where the man was sitting on the ledge, his intentions clear. Even as I walked toward him I had no idea what I was going to say. All the clichés popped into my head: 'it can't be that bad'; 'you have so much to live for'; 'this is a permanent end to a temporary problem'; etc. I wouldn't pay much attention to stuff like that so I doubted he would either.

I was soon within about 20 feet of his position, obviously close enough for him to hear me approach.

"Leave me alone, please."

There was no life in his voice. He was hurting and hurting bad, but then he wouldn't be where he is if he wasn't, would he? Of course, I couldn't do as he asked, not and live with myself. I had to try.

"What's your name?"

He ignored the question. I tried again.

"My name is Kazey. What's yours?"

"Please leave me alone."

"I can't do that, I'm sorry. We're here until you jump in front of me or you climb down."

He turned his eyes back toward me. They were filled with sadness and despair.

"You said your name was Casey?"

"No, Kazey. K-A-Z-E-Y."

"Okay Kazey, why do you care? Why can't you just leave me alone?"

"Look, I'm not gonna pretend I know exactly how you feel or what you're going through. I'm sure you wouldn't be here if you didn't think it was your only option. But I've been through the shit before myself, and I wasn't too far from being in the same place you are. But some people helped me. They told me that once I hit rock bottom there was nowhere to go but up. I know it sounds trite, but there's some truth to it, you know?"

"You're right. That is trite, and you do have no idea how I feel or what I'm going through. But you tried, so you can get back in your truck and go on down the road guilt free. I proclaim you good with the universe."

"Can you at least tell me your name, and give me a number I can call to let someone know what happened."

"My name is Henry, and there's no one that cares what happens to me so I can't give you a number."

"No parents, friends, brothers or sisters?"

"None that care."

"How can you be so sure?"

He didn't answer.

"What do you do for a living, Henry?"

"I'm a supervisor at the Department of Motor Vehicles."

"I'll bet that's interesting."

"It's boring and tedious, and most days I walk out of there wanting to kill myself."

He turned to me and flashed a rueful smile.

"And no, that's not why I'm sitting here. Sadly, that's the bright spot of my life right now."

This wasn't getting me anywhere. He hadn't even given one second of thought to climbing off of that barrier, and frankly I had no idea what else to say. The one thing that I tried was as cliché as anything I had thought of and he recognized it for what it was. I needed to try a different tack.

"So, Henry, I've got a load of furniture I'm hauling up to St. Louis. I've got about 7 hours of driving ahead of me and I could use some company. Wanna come along?"

He didn't tell me no immediately and I thought that might be a good sign. In fact, it looked like he was seriously thinking about it. I took a chance but thought it might seal the deal.

"If you still want to do this after we get there they have bridges in St. Louis, too."

To my surprise he actually chuckled at that. I was glad he could appreciate some of my dark humor. But he still hadn't climbed off the ledge.

"Come on, Henry. Let's get in the truck and hit the road. Maybe you'll find a reason to live between here and there. Besides, if you really wanted to jump, you'd have jumped by now, I think."

He turned to look at me again; his face suddenly more serious after the lighthearted exchange had broken his dark mood momentarily.

"I do want to, but it's scary, you know."

"I know Henry. I'm scared and I'm not even up where you are. But maybe you only think you want to. Give it a chance. Ride with me for a few hours. We can talk about your problem or not; it doesn't matter. Then maybe you'll have a clearer idea of what you want to do. Either way, at worst you stay alive for a few more hours."

He was turning toward me slowly and I could see him thinking it over in his mind. I was cautiously hopeful, and his one word answer filled me with relief.

"Okay."

I helped him down off the barrier and we walked quietly over to my truck.

"Do you want to do anything about your car, or do you need anything out of it?"

"No and no."

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HENRY

I think the only reason I ended up not jumping was because there was someone trying to talk me out of it, and I didn't want my actions to lead to pain for anyone else. We walked mostly in silence over to her truck and I climbed into the passenger seat. It was a good-sized truck with a sleeper behind the cab.

As we walked I got my first good look at Kazey. She was tall -- I'd guess about 5'9" or 5'10" -- and solid. She wasn't fat, maybe a little chubby but not much. She looked strong, like she may have grown up on a farm. She carried a little extra on her hips but considering she sits in a truck seat for who knows how many hours a day I figured that was normal. She had long, straight black hair and nice sized breasts that still seemed a little small against the size of her frame.

We sat in silence as the big engine roared to life and she drove along the highway. We had probably been driving two hours before one of us spoke, and it was me.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. For what?"

"I guess for caring enough to stop and talk to me."

She just nodded at my explanation.

"So, what kind of name is Kazey? Is that German?"

"It's not actually my name. It's a nickname. I've been called Kazey since high school. It's actually my initials: K-Z, and it just sort of became pronounced like a single word. I like it because I've never heard it before and I don't like my first name."

"What's your first name?" I asked, even knowing she probably wouldn't answer, and she just smiled in the mostly darkness.

"Not gonna tell me, are you?"

"Don't take it personally. I don't tell anyone."

"Not a lot of female truck drivers. How'd you get into it?"

"Actually, there are quite a few; just not very many drive solo. I got into it when I met my husband."

"You're married?"

"Not anymore, no."

I thought about asking more questions but I left it at that. She hadn't been nosy about my situation so I decided to return the courtesy. She continued.

"He was a driver when we met and I started riding along with him. Then he suggested I get my CDL so we could take turns driving, and that way we could get more and longer runs and make even more money. He taught me to drive and that's what we did, for a while anyway."

I sensed a lot of sadness in her voice so I didn't pry any farther. We rode in silence the rest of the way until she pulled into a truck stop around midnight. I had actually dozed off and woke up when she shut the engine off.

"Come on, Henry. I'm hungry. The food here is good and they have showers. I've got a towel you can use."

"I don't have a change of clothes."

"We can get some stuff inside. They have clothes, too, though nothing like that stuff you're wearing now."

"Anything is fine."

We walked into the truck stop and started with food in the all-night diner. It was actually really good, if loaded down a bit with grease. After eating we went into the store and I bought a plain black t-shirt, a pair of novelty boxer shorts, a pair of jeans, and some socks. We went into our separate shower rooms (divided by gender, of course) and cleaned up. I found myself feeling a lot better.

"Are we gonna push through to St. Louis now?

"Henry, I don't know how things are where you're from, but there are very few warehouses open at 4:00 in the morning. The load doesn't even need to be there until early afternoon, and I'm tired. You probably are too, so we can get some sleep and we'll finish the run in the morning."

I felt kind of foolish, not even thinking about the time. As Kazey climbed into the sleeper cab I tried to make myself comfortable in the passenger seat of the truck. Her head suddenly popped out from the back.

"What are you doing?"

"I thought we were getting some sleep."

"We are, but why are you sleeping there?"

"I'm not sure I understand the question? Where else would I sleep?"

"In here with me. Come on."

"Kazey, we've only known each other for a few hours. I don't..."

"Henry, I'm not asking you to fuck me. I'm just saying there's enough room here for both of us and it'll be more comfortable for you. It'll be a little snug and, yeah, our bodies will probably be right next to each other, but we both have clothes on. I won't try anything if you won't. Now come on."

I climbed into the back and found the small area was filled with the scent of her shampoo, and I responded in a way I haven't in some time. It had been a year since my world started falling apart and nothing had generated the reaction that Kazey and her scent did just now.

I laid down, her on my left, and it was definitely snug. We would be touching some body part or the other all night to be sure.

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KAZEY

I woke up on my left side, facing away from Henry. His arms were wrapped around me and our bodies were pressed completely together. God, I had missed feeling a man like this. I hadn't been with anyone since Jerry walked out 3 years ago. I was only 28 at the time and he walked out for someone even younger, though she was tiny and blonde and I'm neither of those things.

I could hear Henry's smooth, rhythmic breathing in my ear and I found it to be very soothing. I tried to snuggle even a little closer to him before realizing we couldn't get any closer without one of his body parts being inside one of mine, and I felt a tinge of excitement at that thought.

I didn't know what to make of Henry yet. I didn't know what had driven him to that seat on the bridge, and I sometimes wondered what it would take to get me to that point. I thought I had been close back then but was I really? Could things really have been so bad, or was he the type of guy that was quick to give up when life got a little difficult? Did he suffer from depression?

Of course, in the back of my mind I knew I was thinking about these things with an eye toward whether he and I could have a long-term relationship. I'd met plenty of guys in the last 3 years and hadn't met any in which I even had a passing interest, but I found myself attracted to Henry.

I felt him start to wake up. I could almost hear the thoughts going through his brain. He was wondering if I was awake and how he had ended up wrapped around me. Then he was trying to see if he could somehow move without waking me up, because if I woke up I'd know his arms had been around me and maybe I'd be offended by that.

I lay quietly until he started to actually move, then I held his hand to stop him from moving.

"No Henry. I like you right where you are. I haven't woken up like this in a long time."

He paused for just a second then settled back down, though I felt him leave a little room between our bodies this time.

"Your body was closer than that. You're letting cold air between us."

"I just...I can't..."

"What's the matter, Henry?"

"I have...there's a problem."

I turned and looked at him over my shoulder with a smile on my face.

"Did cuddling with me give you an erection, Henry?"

He got very red and flushed in the face and just nodded. I was flattered, but since he was embarrassed I didn't want to make a big deal out of it.

"It's okay. Just move it out of the way and then get back up against me."

I felt him do just that and soon the cool air on my back was replaced with the warmth of Henry's body. I closed my eyes again and just enjoyed the feeling of being in a man's arms again.

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HENRY

Well, that was embarrassing. I can't believe I woke up with my morning wood pressing into Kazey's back and with my arms wrapped around her. I realize we were sleeping and so it's not like I purposely cuddled up with her, but to have to explain to her why I was hesitant to get up close to her again was uncomfortable.

On the other hand, being snuggled up against her was the very definition of comfortable. I'd slept alone ever since my ex dropped her bomb on me, and frankly I never expected to be in that position again.

Kazey had been a Godsend. In just our few hours together she had given me a sense of value as a human being, and shown me that positive things could happen to me. In short, she had given me a reason to live. No matter what else, I knew my days of sitting on the edge of a bridge were over.

After a while I couldn't wait any longer, or at least my bladder couldn't.

"Kazey, I need to get up and go to the bathroom."

"Yeah, me too; let's go."

We climbed out of the truck. It was a cool morning but not terribly so and we were able to make the walk to the truck stop without much trouble. We used the facilities and then I offered to treat her to breakfast, and she accepted.

"Is this our first date?" she giggled.

"If so, it'll be the first time I slept with a woman before going on a date with her."

That little smart aleck comment earned me a slug on the arm but a bright smile. I was feeling really good. Last night felt like a nightmare at this point. I was so far away from that person anymore and I couldn't believe that had actually been me staring into the abyss and considering plunging off.

After breakfast we loaded into the truck and started on the drive to St. Louis. We arrived at the warehouse at 12:30, right in the middle of the union-designated lunch hour, so we hung out in the sleeper to kill off the 30 minutes.

We actually lay down next to each other face to face and talked about ourselves for the first 15 minutes. We hit a little lull in the conversation and I could see her thinking.

"Henry, what happens now?"

"What do you mean?"

"What are you gonna do? Do you still wanna, you know, jump?"

"No Kazey, I don't."

A noticeable look of relief passed over her face when I said that.

"I guess you'll need to go get your car. Are you going back to your job?"

"I don't know what I'm gonna do but going back to the DMV is definitely out. I need a change."

"Any ideas on what you might want to do?"

I thought for a moment and I almost didn't say it, but I was curious as what her reaction would be, and if she would understand my hidden meaning.

"Maybe I should get my commercial driver's license..."

She brought her eyes to mine and she said with absolute sincerity.

"Maybe you should."

I think we both understood the implied meaning in both my original statement and in her response. Until then we had just been laying there, our hands at our sides or otherwise kept within our own personal space, but at that moment we both reached out toward each other, and I took her hand in mine. I stroked the smooth skin on her fingers and gazed into her deep brown eyes. I slowly moved my face closer to hers and she met me in the middle.

Her lips felt amazing when they pressed to mine. We took it slowly. We weren't mashing our lips together or shoving our tongues down each other's throats. It was tentative and exploratory; it was a kiss of two people getting to know each other. I was completely lost in the feeling, with no sense of how much time had passed, until...

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

"Hey driver, we're ready to unload."

One of the warehouse guys had pounded on the side of the cab to let us know that the warehouse was open and they were ready to go. She got up quickly.

"I'll go open the doors and I have to watch them unload so that I don't get blamed for any damage. You can wait here or come out there if you want."

She opened the door, and then paused.

"We're not done. I want to pick this up again later."

"Me too," I answered.

She smiled, and then climbed out to get the work started. I laid back and let her do her job. I admit I was worried about what those guys might think of her if I came crawling out of there, even though they probably encountered husband/wife teams all the time, so I decided to stay put. It only took about an hour for the trailer to be emptied, and then we were on the road again.

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KAZEY

It had been a long time since I had any real intimacy with a man. It wasn't for a lack of opportunities; there just hadn't been anyone that interested me until now. My feelings for Henry had grown rapidly. He was obviously going through something very traumatic but he still managed to say things that made me laugh.

We started kissing while we waited for the warehouse to open and if I hadn't been sure of wanting to be with him before that I was sure afterwards. The kissing itself was nice, but it was the way it made me feel that convinced me. I've kissed a few guys since Jerry walked out but none of them did anything special for me.