Some Marvelous Experience, Which is Not Going to Go Wasted on Me
Chapter I - A Tug of Familiarity
That empty abyss of want grows within me every day. I go to class, I get home, eat, read, sleep, and so on. My schooling keeps me intellectually nourished, but this nourishment only reveals another malnutrition. Class keeps me sharp; I know I am sufficiently intelligent and capable. But regardless of my empirical success, that part of the soul which can consume oneself remains untapped. I know, I feel, but I only experience both. There must be something more which I am missing, something more which I can never tell, never articulate, and never comprehend, but something which I will encounter, and all will make sense, I hunger for that ephemeral... thing.
We are eight weeks into the semester. This is the time which I bond with my comrades in study, a shared suffering motivated by a shared dedication. I have acquaintances, sure, but as far as friends they are few and far between, those made here, and Columbia University, are seen rarely, and those known elsewhere live as such. This is the kind of loneliness I thrive in; it might be because it is all I have ever known, or it really is how I operate best. I lose myself in my work on my own schedule, not beholden to anyone else. When I am alone, my mind is a whirlwind of unfettered inspiration for me to pick and prod at my own will, my own pace, enjoyment, and fulfilment. When I am alone I am in touch with my identity. I am Archie Fergeson, I am the sole apostate Jew of my line, I live by own rhythm. Whenever I speak to another person, I forsake myself. I lose touch of the sense of my own soul and I shape myself in the eyes of the other. While I'm sure this is a completely normal behavior, I wouldn't know otherwise, I much prefer the honesty of solitude. All my enjoyment comes from that honesty one must have with themselves when they are alone. Outside of my commitment to the study of literature, I have few other interests, I run frequently, I occasionally smoke, and I write. All of these are outlets from which I feel as if I can be in touch with myself.
My solitary life, a life that was chosen more so than absorbed, has been absent from romantic partners for a number of years now. I truly enjoy loneliness, and if others enjoyed being with me in the same way in which I love to be alone, I would gladly share my loneliness with them. But this is not how people work, at least I think. That growing abyss within me, that pit of want that cannot be satisfied, I want to fill it. I do not know how to satiate that part of me, I feel like nothing even addresses it. Hanging out with friends, flirting, exercising, reading, and writing do not address this pit which I cannot even begin to articulate. Where I think the answer to my hollowness might lie, is outside of me. I look at the girls on campus, I look at the face, their figure and shape, their beautiful skin, and I feel something. I feel attracted to them, sure, who wouldn't, people here are in fact very attractive, but there's something more. When I admire the far figure of a beautiful young woman that abyss within me churns, but not for the carnal pleasures of sex, which I don't mind engaging in, but for something else, what that is I have no clue.
Regardless, the reality in which I can never ignore is the one I live in, not the one I speculate. I am 22 years old, I am in good shape, I am intellectually stimulated, and, in the end, I know what I want most of the time, and I am happy, happy enough at least. That hunger for the unknown within me irks me in a curious manner, like wanting to know what the right key to a door is. I am willing and probably will live my life without ever finding the answer to it, but my curiosity will always remain.
It's a warm Friday Morning and I am walking to class. One of my friends is calling in a favor. A couple weeks ago at a party I drank too much and got sick, and Aaron took care of me. It would've been a rough couple of days recovering without him. He has some "sudden obligation" (as it normally is) and has to bail out on volunteering at the Renaissance Festival over the weekend. He promised some form of help so it's my job to fill in for him. I don't know much about what I'm doing, but I know I don't really want to do it. All I know is that I have to work the stocks, and wear a stupid peasant garb costume and be in character. It will probably be a little embarrassing but I also think there might be fun to be had. I get to class and play the "good student" role as I, and my classmates, have done a thousand times. This is one of those classes where there's never anything worth noting. The professor reminds us that we need to get into pairs for a group project due in two weeks, and this is one of those moments where I wish I weren't as solitary as I was. There's this one girl, she sits in the front corner of the lecture hall, I think her name is Amy, Amy Schneiderman, I recognize her name from the attendance sheet. While everyone is pairing off and leaving class I see she is just as lonesome as myself. People filter out as they get their partners, and she and I are one of a few people left in the lecture hall.
I'm thinking about this girl, Amy. There a lot of people in this lecture hall, I sit in the back with a clear view of the backs of all their heads, but for some reason, something inside of me draws me to taking note of hers. I've starred at the back of her head all semester, subconsciously taking note of her every time my eyes passed her beautiful blonde hair. She takes care of herself too; it helps she doesn't have a bad figure. I think I'll ask her if she wants to pair up. I am packing my things up and about to walk over, I look up to see her standing at my desk
"Hey! I saw you didn't have a partner for this project, did you want to work together?"
"Oh! Yeah, I was just about to ask you the same thing" I was a little surprised, both at her asking me, and at her sudden appearance above me.
"Oh, perfect! I'm glad I don't have to mosey through this lecture hall for a partner. I got a pretty busy schedule for the rest of the day today, let's chat more about it over coffee tomorrow. How's your schedule looking?" She gives me a warm smile, and very subtly tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, I'd like to think it was out of attraction, but it was probably a meaningless action.
"I am pretty busy this week unfortunately, specifically tomorrow, I got roped into volunteering at that renaissance festival all day tomorrow. The one upstate? We can probably do later tomorrow night or Sunday though."
"Oh, the renaissance festival? That sounds like so much fun! I've never been before, but I've always wanted to go. My roommates want to go, maybe I'll swing by and check it out. I might even run into you there!" The thought of her seeing me in some silly medieval costume made me realize how pretty she was, and I began to blush a little.
"Oh yea... Maybe? I don't know how fun it'll be there tomorrow but I can't stop you from going. But I will let you know about my schedule as I get it."
"So, about the project... Once we get a topic let's just get a survey of the work and we could just start by just dividing the work evenly?" The way she spoke and navigated this conversation was very authoritative and authentic, she speaks to me like we've known each other vicariously for years, which we could have for all I knew.
"Yea that sounds good! We can sort out these details later when I have more time to look everything over, let me get your number so I can text you when I get the time." I try to match her confidence in my syntax.
"Oh, absolutely! Here, let me give you my number." She writes it down on a notecard, then hesitates before saying, "I get the read that you're going to be pretty easy to work with, something that can't be said for a lot of these people, the non-majors specifically, they're the worst." She gave a warm smile with her eyes before departing, she doesn't turn around as she leaves.
I watched her as she left. The way she walked was, impressive? She strutted quickly and firmly to the door with the books and bag in tow. I've never met anyone who exuded so much confidence in who she was, the way she walked, talked, conducted, and presented herself was so succinct. She was beautiful and organized. I cannot ascribe a word to that feeling that she left me with, it was somewhere between impressed, excited, and almost intimidated. She was a pure and beautiful embodiment of womanhood, confident, independent, and intelligent. I saw a little bit of myself in her, but which aspect of my personality I could not tell. The only thing I could muster as she walked away was a quick and quiet, "huh..." It might be a toxic attitude but I thought there was chance I had a shot with her. I was an alright looking guy, took care of myself, went for frequent runs, groomed, kept up with hygiene, and I was guaranteed to see her at lease a few times in the coming days. I thought to text her and see if there was any chemistry, but ultimately decided against it. Best case scenario we hit it off and she'd come to see me dressed up at the festival, something I really didn't want.
***
The next day I was at the Renaissance festival. Borrowing a car from Aaron (it was the least he could do), I pulled into the rainy, muddy festival where music and yells reverberated through the upstate hills. I walked around before finding the volunteering tent, I approached the man standing at the front table, dressed as something of a drunkard.
"Are you James?" I asked, clearly looking out of place, he put down his magazine and looked at me inquisitively.
"Yea, what do you need?" He said suspiciously. He wasn't verbally in character yet.
"I'm Archie, Aaron might have told you about me. I'm filling in for him at the stocks today."
"Ah!" He exclaimed, clapping his hands together, finally making the mental links, "Yeah I remember, always is something with him, always a last minute excuse, good fella though," his tone was immediately more friendly when he learned who I was standing in for.
"You're telling me, I'm not all that happy he couldn't make it either."
"Yeah, well you know his parents always sign him up for things like this, the few times he cant find something else to do its quite funny seeing him in character! Regardless," he clapped again "you're the sub, if you're nervous, don't be, it's an incredibly low stakes event your playing here. Follow me, you gotta be in costume for this," He said, as he walked into the tent, I followed. Inside the tent there were many actors, each at their own lockers, touching up, getting into costume, getting into character, overall there was a lot going on, like the backstage of a Broadway musical. James kept walking to the cordoned off back of the tent, greeting volunteers by name as he walked. In the back of the tent, hidden by thin partitions, there was an old trunk sitting in solitude on the wet grass. "Here it is," James said before opening it and bending over into it. He ruffled around for a minute, and stood up with his hand on his chin. "It looks like we're out of town guard uniforms..."
"What does that mean? Am I off the hook?"
"Not yet kid, looks like we'll just have to make do." He bent down into the drunk again and pulled out some beige rags, he tossed them into my arm. "Put these on, all we got is a town drunk uniform, it'll work though."
I looked at the dirty and beaten rags, I could tell what it was immediately. There was a strange green stain around the chest. "I hope this stain came with the costume..." I said aloud.
"Yeah, probably just grease paint, or something," he leaned in for a closer look, "I think...or...I hope. Anyway," he clapped, "put that on, meet me over at the stocks, just down that way, I'll show you the ropes."
I put on my outfit, which was about as silly as I thought it would be, and got to the station which Aaron promised he'd work. The rain died down by then and the sun even began to show, but all that did was keep the grass wet and the air moist, furthering any potential discomfort. There were four stocks lined up under the canopy, volunteers dressed as armored town guards at three of them, the fourth was empty for me. James approached me from behind.
"Hey! Archie, right? Here you are..." he signaled to the stocks, "you'll be here, and I know that this is probably the last place you want to be, and you have the displeasure of owing Aaron one I'm guessing, so I'll cut you down to a two hour shift. We got other people coming, so I'll just put them on first."
"Oh, that'd be great, thanks!"
