Slow As Dirt

I've been told quite a few times in my life that I was slow, or stupid, or as one of my friends says, 'slow as dirt.' And while I would argue with some of those assertions saying that I'm not that stupid, I am detective after all, there is one time where I will agree that I was slow as dirt.

Shelly was the head forensics technician for our department, so any physical evidence that either detectives like me or CSI techs pulled during our investigations invariably crossed her desk whether she did the analysis of it herself or not. Many people said she could be a bit of a bitch especially if you were in a hurry for an analysis to be completed. Many times, I heard my colleagues complaining that she would get rather irritable with them when they asked her to rush an analysis. Personally, I had never had a problem getting a priority analysis from her. Any time I needed something fast tracked she seemed ready and willing, most of the time doing it herself. That should have been my first clue.

Like I had done so many times over the years since joining the detective bureau, I had a set of prints lifted off a crime scene surface that I needed ran through the national database in the hopes that it would get a hit on a potential suspect. Official fingerprint evidence envelope in hand I walked down the hallway towards the forensics department. As the hall opened into the lobby area for the forensics department one of my fellow homicide detectives was coming out. As we passed, he said,

"Be careful. She's being a real bitch today."

"Really?" I asked.

"Yeah." he said. "I turned in a blood stain for analysis and asked if I could get it by the end of the week and not only did I get the stare of death but also a stern statement that I'd get it whenever she got to it along with the other two hundred things she had to process."

"She never gives me an earful." I said.

"She must have a thing for you." he said. "Anyway, good luck, I've got to run, meeting with the captain."

My colleague quickly walked off leaving me no time to respond to what he had said. I stepped through the small lobby of the forensics department to door leading into the main lab itself. I gently opened it and after stepping through saw Shelly sitting at one of the many lab tables that were throughout the large room. She was bent over a microscope her long brown hair partially obscuring her face. I walked to the end of the table she was using and waited for her to finish looking at whatever she was looking at before trying to get her attention.

Shelly was still oblivious to my presence as she reached her hand forward and turned a knob on the microscope to focus the view. She did this several more times as her face and mouth formed an odd expression. It was an odd combination of a scowl combined with clear intense concentration. As I watched her, I wondered to myself if she even knew she was doing it. Finally, she pulled the slide out of the microscope and dropped it on the counter next to her laptop. She was clearly about to start typing something on her laptop when she noticed me standing there waiting.

"Oh, hi Rodney." she said with a small smile turning to face me. It suddenly hit me that when she wasn't scowling at either specimens or detectives, she wasn't bad looking. It's just that you didn't see it that much. Her brown hair and partially tanned skin with a few freckles on her upper cheeks and her small nose gave her a rather nice look, but there again most of the time you didn't see it.

"Hi Shelly." I said returning her smile. "I know you've got a million things to do, but when you get the chance, I need these run through the database."

She looked at the envelope I sat down on the countertop and halfway gave it a dirty look. Then she looked back up at me and again gave me a small smile before saying, "I'll see what I can do for you."

"Thanks Shelly." I said as I turned to leave.

"You want some coffee, Rodney?" she asked as she hopped off of the stool she was sitting on. "I just made a fresh pot."

"I've had enough for one day." I said. "Maybe next time."

Shelly reached the back counter in the room where her coffee pot was and poured a cup for herself. "Well, if you ever want something better than that sludge, they make in the lounge come see me."

"I'll keep it in mind." I said as I opened the door to leave. "I won't hold you up, I know you're busy. Thanks for your help."

A few hours later I was sitting at my desk typing out a report and an arrest warrant for another case I was working when my desk phone rang.

"Homicide, Sevens." I said as I picked up the phone.

"Hi Rodney, It's Shelly." I heard come through the speaker. "I got a hit on those prints you gave me earlier. I'm emailing the analysis to you now."

"Wow that was quick." I said sounding surprised. "I didn't expect anything for a couple of days at least."

"Well, I had a little free time, so I figured I'd get it out of the way." she said cheerily. As she was saying that I heard my computer beep and her email appear in my inbox.

"Ah it just came in." I said as I clicked on the report she had sent me. With the mugshot and criminal profile in view I said, "Thanks Shelly, I owe you one."

"Ok, but don't forget you said that." Shelly said. "Because I will collect at some point."

"Don't worry I won't." I said. "Thanks again Shelly." After Shelly and I said our goodbyes and I hung the phone up I was greeted with stares from my fellow office mates.

"What?" I said as I looked at their somewhat dumbfounded faces.

"The Ice Queen actually got something back to you the same day?" Jeff said from his desk a few feet away.

"I'm going to have you turn in my evidence requests." Carl said and the others murmured their agreement.

Jim from his desk that butted up against mine said, "You must be the only detective she likes. I've never gotten an analysis back the same day, and that includes that big Barbary case last year. Even with the captain breathing down my neck she didn't prioritize it."

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "I don't know."

Jeff chimed in again. "One time last year I was dropping something off and asked if I could get a little of her coffee since I had been up since midnight, man the way she looked at me you would have thought I insulted her mother or something."

Not in the mood to carry the conversation any further I again shrugged my shoulders and pulled my laptop closer to me to read the report Shelly had sent me not mentioning the fact that she had offered her treasured coffee to me.

***

"You sure you won't have some coffee with me?" Shelly asked as she poured herself a cup.

"Nah I'm good." I assured her the next time I saw her in her lab.

For some reason I failed to notice that it was the third for fourth time that she had offered me a cup of her prized coffee upon bringing her a specimen for her to examine.

***

Shelly turned to face me and before I could even set the envelope down on the desk, she thrust a paper cup into my hand full of hot fresh coffee.

"Oh, thank you." I said somewhat awkwardly.

"You look like you could use some." Shelly said smiling at me.

"I won't lie I do need some." I admitted taking a pull of the hot liquid. As I tasted and subsequently swallowed the coffee, I now realized why it was that Shelly made her own coffee and wasn't keen to share it with others. It tasted at least ten times better than the run of the mill coffee that was supplied for the lounge. That coffee was mediocre at best and depending on who made it and how long it sat on the industrial burner could have probably been used to lay shingles with. Sometimes I sarcastically thought you needed a gallon of milk to make it drinkable.

"Wow." I said after I took a second pull of the coffee Shelly hand forced on me. "This is really good." I said feeling my senses start to revive.

"You pull an all nighter?" Shelly asked as she opened the envelope I had set on the counter.

"Yeah, I was on 5-1 last night and caught a case at midnight." I told her. "I was at the crime scene until about 3, and then spent the next few hours interviewing everyone involved. And I've still got more to get done."

Shelly turned back to the coffee pot on the back counter and pulled the carafe out and topped up my cup. As she did, she gave me a firm look and said,

"Now don't go telling everyone I shared this with you."

"Don't worry." I said. "You and I get along fairly well, and I'd like to keep it that way."

Shelly gave me a curious look before saying, "I know most of the detectives think I'm a bitch."

"I wouldn't say..." I started to say but she cut in.

"Oh, come off of it. I know what they say about me. 'She's being a real bitch today. All I asked for was...and she screamed at me.' I've heard it all."

I stood still awkwardly for a few seconds not knowing what to say. I wasn't surprised she had heard what others had said about her, I mean she would have had to be a complete dunderhead to not at least hear murmurings of what was said of her.

When I didn't say anything right away, she said, "It's not that I like being a bitch it's more the fact that I've got a very small staff and the whole detective bureau seems to think I've got nothing else to do but what they're dropping off at that moment. They seem to think I've got nothing to do and am waiting for them to bring me something to work on. I've got a staff of three people to analyze hundreds of pieces of evidence. I learned a long time ago the only way to keep some of them at bay is to be a bit of a bitch about it."

I took a pull of coffee and looked at Shelly. It was then that I noticed that behind the stern persona she usually hid behind was a thoughtful feeling person. After a little more small talk between us, and another top up of my coffee I left the lab to complete my initial reports on the case I had gotten overnight.

Back at my desk a couple of the morning detectives wandered in. I watched as Jeff inhaled and looked curiously at the paper cup on my desk.

"Where did you get that from?" Jeff asked. "I know it's not the usual sludge they make down the hall."

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." I said.

"You mean the Ice Queen shared her coffee with you?" Jeff said looking incredulous.

"I don't believe it." Carl said as he sat down at his desk and started pulling out files. "She guards that pot like it's Fort Knox."

I sighed a little and took a sip of my coffee before saying, "You know guys she really isn't that bad. If you didn't try to rush her all the time, she'd probably be a bit nicer to you."

"Well, she doesn't have the captain and/or chief breathing down her neck to get cases solved." Carl said.

"But she only has three people to analyze a whole precinct's worth of physical evidence." I countered. "If she prioritized everything that came in she'd never sleep."

"Are you her union rep now?" Jeff said and he and Carl laughed.

"No." I said. "I'm just saying maybe if you didn't try to rush her all the time and try to be a little nicer to her, she might do you the same in return."

"Sounds like you got a little soft spot for the Ice Queen." Jeff said. "And we know she's got one for you."

"That is not it at all." I said.

"Me thinks the man doth protest too much." Carl said grinning.

"Allright, allright. You've had your fun now, you happy?" I said trying not to get agitated. I flipped the folder of papers shut that I had been working on and stood up. Picking up the folder and my coffee I said, "I've got to get the lieutenant brought up to speed." Before anyone could say anything else I quickly ducked out of the office and headed for the captain's office.

After bringing the lieutenant up to speed on the latest developments and what I had been working on all night I left his office and was headed back down the hall. Fatigue was really starting to creep in despite Shelly's coffee that I had been eagerly sipping on all morning. As I walked, I flipped open my folder again and began to peruse the reports again not paying attention to where I was going. As I rounded the corner to get back to my office, I suddenly felt myself colliding with something.

In a split second I felt myself collide with something, the folder I was reading fall from my hand and my coffee cup, that was partially upturned so I could take a swallow, upsend itself entirely and the contents, thankfully not much by now, empty itself down the front of my shirt.

"Shit!" I said loudly as I got my bearings and tried to figure out what had happened. I blinked a couple of times and saw Shelly standing there with a shocked look on her face.

"Damn Shelly, I'm sorry." I said. "I should have been watching where I was going."

"I guess I could have been watching better too." she said. "You, ok?" she said eying up my now soaked dress shirt.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a bit wet that's all." I said picking up the folder I had dropped in the chaos. It was then I heard something I hadn't heard before and most in the department probably wouldn't have thought it possible. Shelly actually started laughing. It ended up being contagious and soon both of us were standing there laughing our butts off probably looking like idiots.

As our laughter subsided a bit, she looked at me and said, "I'm sorry I know I shouldn't be laughing at you like that, but it is funny."

"Don't worry about it." I said. "I'd probably do the same thing."

"Let me see if I can find something you can dry off with." she said scanning around.

"Don't worry about it, I've got other shirts here. I'll just go and change." I said.

"Really?" Shelly said giving me a curious look. "You keep clothes here?"

"Yeah." I said. "All of the detectives do. It's good to have a fresh shirt in case you have to pull an all nighter. In my case it's just the standard department golf shirts, but they'll do the job."

I looked down at my coffee-stained white dress shirt and said, "Well I guess this shirt and tie are getting retired."

Shelly gave me a sad look and said, "Oh I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault." I said. "I shouldn't have been trying to multitask."

We stood silent for a few awkward seconds before I said, "Well I need to get into a dry shirt. Sorry for the interruption."

"Yeah, I'll see you around." she said shyly as we both went our separate ways.

***

A few days later I stopped by the evidence lab at Shelly's request. She had told me she had completed her analysis of the blood stains I had collected from the homicide that had occurred a few nights earlier. After thrusting a cup of her coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accepted, she went over her findings with me. After she finished telling me her findings and topping up my coffee I was about to turn and leave when she said,

"Hold on, I've got one more thing for you."

She reached under the counter and pulled out a small giftbag and handed it to me. My curiosity quickly took over and I quickly reached down into the bag and pulled out a pale blue necktie similar to the one I had ruined a few days prior when we, literally, ran into each other.

"Oh Shelly, you didn't have to do this." I said. "That whole mess was my fault and I've got hordes of ties at home."

"That you're not even wearing now." she said with a giggle. It was true. Since that day I had been dressing down and wearing the standard department golf shirts. My cases were at a standstill for the most part either waiting for the fugitive warrant squad to bring in the suspect or waiting for evidence to come back from analysis to give me a new lead.

"Well, I see no need to dress up when I'm just getting my paperwork caught up." I said. I picked up the tie again and said, "This will be first to be worn though when I go back to my dressier attire. Thank you." What would have been said next will remain a mystery because at that second my phone rang, and I was summoned to a staff meeting and had to run.

After that Shelly and I became friends of a sort. When I say friends of a sort, I mean we were friendly with each other at work and had a 5:00 coffee hour any Friday I ended work at that time. We never communicated outside of work, like I did with some of the other detectives, but it was nice to be able to go down and get some coffee and unwind a little, especially if I had the weekend off.

***

Fast forward about a year and I had been promoted to lieutenant and made a homicide supervisor. That meant I rarely had to pull night shifts and just as rarely had to work weekends. It was a little after four on a Friday afternoon and I was finishing my paperwork and looking forward to my usual coffee with Shelly. As I typed away on my laptop trying to get the last of my reports ready to file, I heard a knock on my office door. I looked up to see my niece Katie standing there. Katie was in college studying forensics and I had been able to get her a summer internship with Shelly.

"Oh, hi Katie." I said as she stepped into my office. "Shelly let you out early?"

"Yeah." Katie said as she sat down in the chair across from me. "I told her I had a special date with Micheal planned, so she let me leave early so I could get ready."

"Speaking of dates." Katie said before I could jump in. "When are you going to ask Shelly out?"

During this whole conversation besides when I looked to see who was knocking at my door my eyes had barely left the monitor on my laptop. I wasn't trying to be rude to my niece, but at the same time didn't want to stop what I was doing either. Katie knew me well enough to not take this personally, but at the last thing she said I couldn't help but stop typing and move my head to look right at her.

"What are you talking about?" I asked almost incredulously.

"Oh, come on!" Katie said. "Are you really that dense?! Shelly likes you."

"Oh bogs." I said almost dismissively. "We're just friends."

"Oh really?" Katie said sounding skeptical. "Then why are you in such a hurry to get that report typed so you can go hang out with her on a Friday afternoon?"

"That's no different than any other friends who have a Friday happy hour. Only Shelly and I drink coffee instead of alcohol." I argued.

"I know for a fact that you're the only person she shares her coffee with that's not on her staff and that you're the only one she hangs out with after hours. And after that she goes home to her cat." Katie said.

"And what's your point?" I asked.

Katie gave a massive sigh before saying, "Oh my god, are you really that dense?! You're a detective for crying out loud!"

"In case you haven't noticed I spend most of my time with dead people." I said.

"Well maybe you need to pull your head out of those autopsy reports and see what you've got right in front of you." Katie said. "I mean think about it. Why would a single woman only want to be around you on a Friday night?"

Before I could say anything, she continued, "Look Uncle Rod, I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life. But I know Shelly cares about you and not just on a friend like level. She's told me all the times she kept you going after an all nighter and said she was glad when you got moved to days most of the time. And I've seen how you are around her. You're more relaxed, not so uptight. You two deserve happiness, especially given all the brutality you each see every day."

As what Katie was saying sunk in and I felt almost like I was being hit with a cast iron frying pan. She was right, I was dense, maybe I did spend too much time dealing with dead people.

"I'll think about it." I said.

"If I were you I'd think fast." Katie said. "You two have been doing the same thing for over a year now. You never know when she might get tired of waiting and give up on you."

I gave a slight nod as she said, "Well I've got to go, Michael and I are going to a concert, and I've got just enough time to get ready."