Being with Benson in his apartment was something my mother would be very much against--a good Christian girl doesn't spend time alone with a man in his apartment. I smiled at the thought--as if an apartment was a prerequisite for sinful conduct. I mean to my parents, the thought of having sex before marriage placed you on the road to hell to begin with--as if your mind didn't come up with things all on its own.
Being outside alone together watching birds over the years had offered more than ample opportunity to engage in such activity. I was sure it contributed to the idea I shouldn't spend time alone with Benson at all when it finally occurred to them. Yet, here we were alone, beyond my parents' control doing as we wished and I didn't see a sin in sight. Now, it really didn't matter did it? I had consciously shed my religious beliefs, only my unconscious mind refused to let it go completely.
We finished our meal, then cleaned up the kitchen, washing the dishes together--me washing, Benson drying and putting them away. Standing near each other talking seemed like the most natural thing in the world to me at that moment. I couldn't help but wonder if I hadn't met him in another life, another dimension, one I had no memory of. As ridiculous as I knew it was, it had appeal--somewhere, at some time, we had been together, maybe as some other animal, perhaps as swans paired for life. Who knew? The thought brought a smile to my face, which Benson apparently noticed.
"Feeling a little better?"
"Yes, thank you. Are you anxious about starting classes tomorrow?"
"No, not really. Why are you?"
"A little I guess, I know it's going to be different than at CCC, I just wonder how different. The workload with a full schedule of classes will be a change for sure," I replied pensively.
"Yeah, I expect so," then he grew a grin, "don't worry I'll make sure you keep your nose to the grindstone," as he nudged me with his hip.
I laughed, "And who, pray tell, is going to keep an eye on you?"
He quickly flipped the dish towel he had in both hands over my head and when it got to my waist pulled me close as I gave a squeal of surprise. "I expect it will be you."
I felt my pelvis against his as I leaned back to look into his eyes, then smiled. "I don't mind that we look after one another."
He pulled me closer and said softly into my ear. "You, Janet Hall, are well worth looking after."
He made me feel so good. I closed my eyes, feeling his arms around me as we simply stood there, knowing I could depend on him as I could no one else, and realizing it had been that way for quite a while. It shouldn't have been a revelation, but it was, more than ever before.
We parted with a small kiss that made my heart soar, knowing we could kiss whenever we wanted to--it seemed so unreal. The freedom was intoxicating, invigorating, as if the world belonged to the both of us now--it seemed that together we had traveled so far in just a few days.
Our ability to share a kiss had changed me in other ways too, feelings that seemed to be coming from out of nowhere--yet I knew came from somewhere I had kept hidden and silent while at home living with my parents. These feelings emerging as if they had been lying in wait--waiting for me to acknowledge Benson mattered to me in ways I had denied to myself.
I was conflicted now. Earlier, Benson had been so concerned for me he had considered if I should stay the night with him--it sounded like a wonderful option, yet the appearance it would give to my roommates was something that bothered me, actually bothered us. I had introduced Benson as my friend and I wasn't sure I could completely abandon that ideal quite yet. I was still deep in thought when I was pulled back to the present by Benson's voice.
"Janet, oh Janet, are you still with me?"
I smiled, "Sorry, guess I was thinking."
"What about? Still worried about tomorrow? In fact, do you want me to walk you to your first class, or not?"
"I'm just thinking about things in general, and no, I can get to class by myself tomorrow because it's later than the start of your first class. We can meet for lunch if you want, otherwise, we can get together after supper. Would that be okay?"
"Yes, I think so. It's going to take a few days to set up a routine we're both comfortable with and then things will settle down."
Settle down, the concept sounded good, but then my parents came to mind--I wondered what their conversation had been like after Dad got home after meeting with Benson and me. I hadn't heard anything other than what Tess had related to me. How long would it be before they approached me again? And if they did, would they be willing to talk, to compromise? I really had no idea what decision they might arrive at and that, in a way, was worst then having an answer I didn't want. It left me in limbo, us in limbo, as Benson was entwined in all of it. Because...well...because it was 'we', wasn't it?
Benson and I watched a few programs on the TV and then it was time for him to take me back to the dorm. We visited with my roommates for a while, then Benson bade us goodnight. I walked out to the lobby with him and we shared a short, sweet kiss.
"Call me when you decide if it's lunch, or not."
I smiled. "Okay. Sleep tight."
I watched him walk to his car and leave, thinking the whole time I was being too sensitive about how my roommates might react if I were to stay overnight with him. After all, they had tried to reassure me they would understand and not judge me. I still had baggage I hadn't left at home with my parents, I was still too much a Christian girl of 'proper' upbringing. Somethings you can't shed like taking off a piece of clothing.
I returned to my room and heard my roommates laughing. I walked in and sat down with them, then just listened for a minute. They were, of course, talking about their boyfriends and about guys in general--girl things. Stella looked at me with a smile.
"Janet, do you remember the first time you ever saw a penis?"
The question seemed like a strange one, there was no way I would remember that, I had changed a baby boy's diapers often enough while baby-sitting, and even before that when I watched my mother change a friend's baby.
"No, I don't remember for sure, maybe I was eight or nine."
"Same with us," Kayla laughed, "that's why I was so surprised when I saw one when I was older, my first long-term boyfriend after graduating from high school. I had just turned eighteen the week before and I went swimming with two other girls and our boyfriends. I snuck a peek as my boyfriend changed behind some bushes--it looked ugly, like a little worm hanging out of a hairy bush."
Stella laughed, "Yeah, but when they get big they change a lot, a one-eyed snake with a purple head and veiny body with a wrinkled bag hanging down. It took a long time before I ever saw a flaccid penis, my boyfriends were always big by the time I got a look."
