Being with Benson in his apartment was something my mother would be very much against--a good Christian girl doesn't spend time alone with a man in his apartment. I smiled at the thought--as if an apartment was a prerequisite for sinful conduct. I mean to my parents, the thought of having sex before marriage placed you on the road to hell to begin with--as if your mind didn't come up with things all on its own.
Being outside alone together watching birds over the years had offered more than ample opportunity to engage in such activity. I was sure it contributed to the idea I shouldn't spend time alone with Benson at all when it finally occurred to them. Yet, here we were alone, beyond my parents' control doing as we wished and I didn't see a sin in sight. Now, it really didn't matter did it? I had consciously shed my religious beliefs, only my unconscious mind refused to let it go completely.
We finished our meal, then cleaned up the kitchen, washing the dishes together--me washing, Benson drying and putting them away. Standing near each other talking seemed like the most natural thing in the world to me at that moment. I couldn't help but wonder if I hadn't met him in another life, another dimension, one I had no memory of. As ridiculous as I knew it was, it had appeal--somewhere, at some time, we had been together, maybe as some other animal, perhaps as swans paired for life. Who knew? The thought brought a smile to my face, which Benson apparently noticed.
"Feeling a little better?"
"Yes, thank you. Are you anxious about starting classes tomorrow?"
"No, not really. Why are you?"
"A little I guess, I know it's going to be different than at CCC, I just wonder how different. The workload with a full schedule of classes will be a change for sure," I replied pensively.
"Yeah, I expect so," then he grew a grin, "don't worry I'll make sure you keep your nose to the grindstone," as he nudged me with his hip.
I laughed, "And who, pray tell, is going to keep an eye on you?"
He quickly flipped the dish towel he had in both hands over my head and when it got to my waist pulled me close as I gave a squeal of surprise. "I expect it will be you."
I felt my pelvis against his as I leaned back to look into his eyes, then smiled. "I don't mind that we look after one another."
He pulled me closer and said softly into my ear. "You, Janet Hall, are well worth looking after."
He made me feel so good. I closed my eyes, feeling his arms around me as we simply stood there, knowing I could depend on him as I could no one else, and realizing it had been that way for quite a while. It shouldn't have been a revelation, but it was, more than ever before.
We parted with a small kiss that made my heart soar, knowing we could kiss whenever we wanted to--it seemed so unreal. The freedom was intoxicating, invigorating, as if the world belonged to the both of us now--it seemed that together we had traveled so far in just a few days.
Our ability to share a kiss had changed me in other ways too, feelings that seemed to be coming from out of nowhere--yet I knew came from somewhere I had kept hidden and silent while at home living with my parents. These feelings emerging as if they had been lying in wait--waiting for me to acknowledge Benson mattered to me in ways I had denied to myself.
I was conflicted now. Earlier, Benson had been so concerned for me he had considered if I should stay the night with him--it sounded like a wonderful option, yet the appearance it would give to my roommates was something that bothered me, actually bothered us. I had introduced Benson as my friend and I wasn't sure I could completely abandon that ideal quite yet. I was still deep in thought when I was pulled back to the present by Benson's voice.
"Janet, oh Janet, are you still with me?"
I smiled, "Sorry, guess I was thinking."
"What about? Still worried about tomorrow? In fact, do you want me to walk you to your first class, or not?"
"I'm just thinking about things in general, and no, I can get to class by myself tomorrow because it's later than the start of your first class. We can meet for lunch if you want, otherwise, we can get together after supper. Would that be okay?"
"Yes, I think so. It's going to take a few days to set up a routine we're both comfortable with and then things will settle down."
Settle down, the concept sounded good, but then my parents came to mind--I wondered what their conversation had been like after Dad got home after meeting with Benson and me. I hadn't heard anything other than what Tess had related to me. How long would it be before they approached me again? And if they did, would they be willing to talk, to compromise? I really had no idea what decision they might arrive at and that, in a way, was worst then having an answer I didn't want. It left me in limbo, us in limbo, as Benson was entwined in all of it. Because...well...because it was 'we', wasn't it?
Benson and I watched a few programs on the TV and then it was time for him to take me back to the dorm. We visited with my roommates for a while, then Benson bade us goodnight. I walked out to the lobby with him and we shared a short, sweet kiss.
"Call me when you decide if it's lunch, or not."
I smiled. "Okay. Sleep tight."
I watched him walk to his car and leave, thinking the whole time I was being too sensitive about how my roommates might react if I were to stay overnight with him. After all, they had tried to reassure me they would understand and not judge me. I still had baggage I hadn't left at home with my parents, I was still too much a Christian girl of 'proper' upbringing. Somethings you can't shed like taking off a piece of clothing.
I returned to my room and heard my roommates laughing. I walked in and sat down with them, then just listened for a minute. They were, of course, talking about their boyfriends and about guys in general--girl things. Stella looked at me with a smile.
"Janet, do you remember the first time you ever saw a penis?"
The question seemed like a strange one, there was no way I would remember that, I had changed a baby boy's diapers often enough while baby-sitting, and even before that when I watched my mother change a friend's baby.
"No, I don't remember for sure, maybe I was eight or nine."
"Same with us," Kayla laughed, "that's why I was so surprised when I saw one when I was older, my first long-term boyfriend after graduating from high school. I had just turned eighteen the week before and I went swimming with two other girls and our boyfriends. I snuck a peek as my boyfriend changed behind some bushes--it looked ugly, like a little worm hanging out of a hairy bush."
Stella laughed, "Yeah, but when they get big they change a lot, a one-eyed snake with a purple head and veiny body with a wrinkled bag hanging down. It took a long time before I ever saw a flaccid penis, my boyfriends were always big by the time I got a look."
"No kidding!" Kayla exclaimed with a wide-eyed laugh.
I sat, not saying anything more. I'd never seen one on...well...someone my own age. But it made me wonder what I would think when I did. I hadn't ever thought about it, or talked about it for that matter. None of the girls I knew at church had ever come close to saying anything about a man's penis and in high school it was more about someone doing 'it'. Though I really didn't have a mental image of what 'it' entailed. I was lost in thought when Casey spoke up.
"I was so scared when I saw my first one, I didn't think something that big was going to fit, so I just laid back and closed my eyes. It did fit and I never looked back after finding out how good it made me feel," then she added with a laugh, "it looked like it was wearing a little cap."
"Oh my!" Stella said suddenly, "Janet, I didn't think. Have you ever seen one? Maybe we shouldn't have said anything."
My roommates were quiet as I offered a small smile. "That's okay, I will someday."
"You mean after all the time you have spent with Benson out in the woods or where ever you two have gone you have never...well...seen one another accidentally on purpose?" Stella asked.
"No. We've always respected each other's privacy."
"No matter, Janet, they all look a little different anyway. I've seen five or six and I can say of the three I've used they all did the same thing," Casey admitted with a smile.
I didn't say anything. Casey had experienced sex with three different guys--what about the others? I decided not to ask. I couldn't imagine it really, as she and I were about the same age--telling me we came from much different backgrounds. I wasn't envious per se, but all of them seemed to be telling me they had enjoyed their relationships--only theirs had included a penis and sex. Mine had emphasized virginity as a virtue, abstinence the rule, sex a gift from the Lord to be shared with the man I would marry and not before--it made me think about the times I had wanted to ignore the prohibition and give in to my urges. Now I realized those had involved Benson.
Kayla looked at me thoughtfully. "You know, Janet, you and Benson have had something really special. I'm envious, I've never been that close with a guy and shared the kinds of things you've told us you've shared with Benson. You really know one another."
"Thank you. I guess it really is special, though it's been hard to think of it that way," I replied, knowing my parents' attitude regarding Benson was the reason. We talked for a while longer and I decided it was time to prepare for bed and rest before the start of classes in the morning.
The next day was exciting as I walked to my first class, feeling both the thrill of starting something new and at the same time anxious wondering if I was fully ready for this undertaking. I reminded myself that this was what life was about, pushing boundaries, finding, and exploring new worlds. A little over an hour later I walked out of my first class with a three chapter reading assignment.
I was definitely off to a fast start, so I decided to go to the library and get started on the assignment before my next class. I managed to get through two chapters, augmenting my class notes before going to my next class at ten-twenty. After class I pulled my phone out and called Benson and we made plans to meet at the union cafeteria for lunch. I was standing outside the entrance when a guy walked up to me with a smile.
"Thanks for waiting, I wasn't sure I would find you here."
I looked at him confused. I hadn't a clue as to who he was. Why would he have thought I was waiting for him?
"I'm sorry, but I think you have me confused with someone else."
"Oh, maybe. But I'm sure I wouldn't forget a girl as pretty as you are. Remember, my name is Roy."
