(Co-written with Gentle Breeze)
I lowered my phone and stared at the screen. She'd fucking hung up on me. She didn't even give me the chance to say goodbye.
She just fucking hung up.
Anxiety shifted into frustration, which boiled over into anger. I took a deep breath as the feeling spread through me, concentrating high in my chest, where it seemed like it might break free at any moment.
Not only had I humiliated myself by calling in the state I'd been in, I hadn't even gotten to figure how she felt about last night. She hadn't even let me compliment her voice! She was denying me a chance to be nice. The only proof I had that she didn't hate me was her talking me down from my panic.
But even that was punctuated with a comment about my coping skills. What the fuck was that? I taught coping skills to queer youth and young adults for a fucking living. I had coping skills! That's what calling her was for! So I could feel better about what had happened!
Fuck, maybe she deserved some of what I'd done. After all, if she was going to act like this, was it so bad that I was mean? She'd--
No. No, not this train of thought. I massaged my temples. Fuck, I so pathetic, I was chasing the same threads of thoughts from before. Something needed to change. Something needed to change.
I left my room, grabbed my pea coat off the hook by the door, and climbed out onto the fire escape. I didn't smoke, but I still wanted a cigarette. Or maybe weed. The cold alone wasn't enough to pull me out of my spiral. I rested my back against the brick of the building, then focused on the bustle of the city below.
Even knowing every single person in this massive city had a host of problems, some of them much more severe than mine, didn't purge the anger from my chest.
There was no reason to be this upset. I barely knew June. We'd met at a bar we both liked during a pride event and traded numbers, but never done much more than exchange pleasantries. Negotiating with her had given me insight into some of her kinks and limits and Helen's stories filled in more of the gaps, but you didn't know someone from a single hook up and some anecdotes.
Just like I hadn't known that in addition to being shy, sweet, stubborn, and too fucking cute for her own good, June was the sort of person to abandon a conversation before it was finished.
Fuck. I was doing it again. I combed my fingers through my hair and checked the time. Helen's work event should be finished in an hour. She should've already given her presentation by now. As soon as the clock rolled over to 9:00, I'd call her. I needed to talk about this.
This wasn't going to work if June couldn't have a conversation with me. Yeah, calling her in a panic and making her deal with it was my fuck up, but if I'd been in her shoes, I wouldn't have just hung up. June wasn't stupid. She had to know there was more to talk about.
All of this because, as Helen so delicately put it, the two of us couldn't meet each other's needs. Just a normal, egalitarian relationship alone wouldn't work for me, even if it could work for her. I was too fucking kinky to live. I'd been hoping that wasn't the case. It made things so much more
complicated
, because being trans and gay didn't complicate things enough already.
Watching the minutes tick by and waiting for Helen to finish made me feel pathetic, like a freshly adopted puppy. I seriously needed to make friends I could talk about this with. My work acquaintances weren't an option for obvious reasons, and while I loved Leah and Beth to death, they didn't need to know I had a sadistic streak that'd make a serial killer look at me funny.
Even if I was a bit fucked, I was a fucked up person who helped people. No matter what I thought, I still did good. My career was my life's work, my legacy, and what I wanted people to remember me by. Besides, I'd never hurt anyone who didn't agree with it and want it. I was above that urge.
Because it was
so
much better to abuse someone fucked up enough to want it.
The thought cut deep enough that I pulled out my phone and started to dial Helen. I didn't care if her conference hadn't ended yet. I couldn't sit along with this any longer.
"Hey Quinn!" Helen answered. Her voice was bright and excited. "Good timing. Just got onto the train and I'm heading back to my place now. The keynote speaker ended up getting sick, so his speech got cut. Saved everyone time."
"Did your speech go well?" I asked. No need to jump right into things like I had with June. I had more self control than that. And if her speech hadn't gone well, I didn't want to dump this on her.
"Fantastic! You know how I've been trying to get out of engineering and into project management? Well, I got confirmation from my boss today that I could make the transition. Higher pay too! Like, by a lot. Retire early if I wanted to, a lot. You don't have to work if you don't want to, a lot."
"Oh shit. Congratulations!" Helen had told me she'd been trying to make the transition for close to a year now. I was surprised it hadn't happened sooner. If there was anyone fit for wrangling people, it was Helen. In another life, she would've been the mastermind behind a court coup. "You know I'm never going to stop working, though. You could have a billion dollars and I'd use it to start a charity."
"I know, I know, and I don't want to make you stop. I know better than to try. It was just for perspective. And maybe...you know. For other people. Who don't have jobs they're passionate about. Who could maybe use the assist."
"June."
"I'm not saying I'm going to start paying all of her bills right now. But if everything goes well, I could do it. I know she doesn't want to be stuck at that coffee shop forever. She could be doing more."
I breathed in the city. The taste and scent of smog matched the bitterness blooming inside me. It was almost funny how quickly the conversation pivoted back to June. At least Helen was blatant about her objectives.
"About June -- she's not communicating with me. It's making me doubt things are going to work."
That Helen didn't respond instantly told me she hadn't expected me to say that. She had her tells too. "Why? What's changed? I know y'all talked, but she didn't tell me much more than that."
"Yeah, we talked, and that talk makes me think that this all--" I gestured even though she couldn't see it, unable to help myself, "--isn't the best idea. June and I both had a bad day after what was supposed to be fun and I couldn't get closure from her."
"She certainly sounded like she was into it the other night. She stayed to cuddle after. And, when I met up with her at her job and asked her if she thought last night was hot, she nodded and blushed how she only does when she
really
likes something but is too embarrassed to admit it," Helen said.
"That was before, not now," I said, trying not to snap. "And a blush isn't clear confirmation, either."
"Okay. Fair. Just--do you want me to come over there?"
"No, it's fine." I imagined I could see underneath the roads and into the subway. I could practically see Helen sitting on the train, legs crossed, phone pressed to her ear, eyes narrowed as she stared straight ahead. "I've thought about it and I think this is for the best."
"What happened when y'all talked? Give me the recap?"
I wanted nothing more than to drop the subject. This was such a fucking mess. If we kept talking, I knew Helen would suggest that we give June another chance, and that I was letting myself be driven too much by impulsive emotion rather than logic.
I paused. Was that what was happening? If Helen said that, would I even disagree?
