This story is told in a series of flashbacks from the main character's perspective. It could only be told in that manner, so in order to avoid confusion, I've used directional arrows to separate the shifts, back for the past, forward for the present. Hopefully this will help avoid confusion and make it a smooth read for everyone.
Thanks as always to my editor Kev, and my friends who helped me to find the right words. A very special thanks to J for giving me permission to tell the story. She is and always will be my inspiration.
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"Next stop, Midway airport," the shuttle bus driver announced cheerfully as the doors opened.
Jay regarded him dubiously, but forced a smile, feeling guilty for not returning the man's polite attempt at cheerfulness at such an ungodly hour. He picked up his bags and stepped wearily into the vehicle.
"I thought all the stops were the airport?" he replied sarcastically, immediately regretting the tone.
The driver seemed not to notice as he continued. "Where are you flying out to?"
"Dallas," Jay answered, trying to sound more upbeat.
"Well, you sure picked a great time for it," the man said, peering intently through the windshield to make out the road through the falling snow. "It's supposed to be below zero for a week. Is it business, or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," Jay mumbled robotically, sounding like it was anything but. He stared out into the inclement weather, too lost in his thoughts to acknowledge the driver's curious glance.
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His thoughts drifted back to long before the trips started, all the way to his high school days. It was not a happy time; Jay had always felt like an outsider. He just didn't have an interest in many of the normal things his peers did. Parties, drinking, social acceptance, they all seemed somehow unimportant. Despite that, a part of him yearned for that kind of "normal" life.
This dichotomy kept him in a constant state of unease around people. Jay had friends during that time but none very close, and although he dated a few girls he never felt comfortable in his own skin. He was drawn to athletics, but only excelled in the ones that didn't earn the respect of his peers. In the small town he grew up in, if you didn't play football, you weren't really an athlete.
Jay finally found his niche after he graduated, knowing the first time he picked up a guitar, it was what he was meant to do. Not only was it more socially acceptable than his previous hobbies, there was something about it that made him feel alive. When life simply became unbearable, he found solace in the endless hours of practice that honed his skills.
During this time there were dozens of relationships (one of the perks of being a musician). Several were quite passionate, but none rose above the level of fleeting fancy. Of the ones that were even remotely more serious, most ended badly, further convincing Jay that there was simply something different about him...something that kept him from finding that normal life he used to dream of wistfully.
He began to believe there really was no such thing as a soul mate, or even someone who shared his passions enough to form a lifelong bond.
As music became more of a hobby and less of a career choice, he plunged headfirst into the business world, putting himself through school and working his way into better jobs and a more secure financial position. Still, it seemed to do nothing to help him figure out his place in the world. The milestone of reaching his mid-thirties with nothing having changed was reason for concern.
Just after turning 35, he started dating a woman he'd been friends with for several years. She was intelligent, attractive, and high-spirited, but after a handful of dates, he instinctively knew this was doomed to fail like all of his relationships. Still, he felt compelled, to stick it out to be sure. For several months they dated, while both tried not to acknowledge the obvious limitations of their feelings and compatibility.
When she informed him that she was pregnant, it was a cold slap to the face. He felt like he had finally woken up. He told himself the time for dreams and fantasies was over. It was time to be responsible and accept life for what it was.
They married soon after, and he found that sharing her pregnancy was far more fulfilling than the selfish pursuits he had always engaged in. The birth of his daughter was the first moment of true, untainted joy he had ever felt. It was to be short lived, unfortunately, as things went bad quickly with his wife. They split up before Cindy turned one, and then things went from bad to worse.
Her friends encouraged her to fight him every step of the way, and the result was Jay facing bankruptcy by the time the process worked itself out. This, combined with massive layoffs in the local job market, left him in a hole he didn't know if he'd ever recover from. Adding insult to injury, his now ex-wife Maggie used every excuse possible to punish him with threats of taking away his daughter. It left him defensive and withdrawn, vowing to never trust a woman again.
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"Here you go son," the driver chirped, snapping him from his reverie. "I wish I could trade places with you right now."
Jay smiled ruefully, nodding to the man, then stepped off the bus wondering how sure he'd be about that statement it if he only knew the whole story.