Shave And A Hair Cut Two Bits

On a dreary Saturday afternoon, I celebrated my eighteenth birthday. It wasn't much of a celebration, just some family, but I was glad to get some cash and gift cards out of the deal.

I hated parties. I hated social interaction of any kind. I was a proud pseudo-loner.

I had a handful of friends who would rather play video games online than get together in person, so it worked well for us societal misfits.

I opened the last birthday card and frowned when I saw it was from my Uncle Jack.

Jack was an asshole. He never had a kind word to say, complained about everything, and was only invited because my mother didn't want to cause friction.

"Hey, Tyler," Jack called out before I read the card, "you're welcome." His smirk aggravated me.

I brushed my long hair out of my eye and saw that the birthday card contained a gift card. Written on the little card's envelope were the words, "For a new start."

I rolled my eyes and said, "Thanks, Jack."

He walked over with a serious look on his face, put his hand on my shoulder, and said, "You're a man now, Tyler. You need to step up and look the part. I love you kid, and I don't want to see your life held back because of this." He waved his hand in a circular motion around my head.

"Uh, huh," I grunted.

He said, "You'll see, kid. You'll see."

I retreated to my room while my mother served dessert. I tossed the cards on my desk and put the pile of gift cards in my drawer.

"A barber. What an asshole," I said as I looked in the mirror. My uncle gave me a gift card to a barber shop.

My hair was long and straight, and I had a full beard. I was surprised I could grow a full beard so young, but my father said it ran in the family. Admittedly, it was an untamed beard, and my hair was well past shoulder length.

For a moment, I thought about using it. I was called Chewbacca, Cousin It, and the werewolf at school, but I didn't care. I was fine with how I looked. I wondered if I could get cash back if I went there and bought a hairbrush or something.

*****

Two weeks later, my mother was harassing me about not going to prom. It was the last day to get tickets.

"Tyler, you have to go to your prom," she said. "Find a date, don't find a date, but go. You'll always regret not going."

"That's stupid, Mom. Not going to prom will have zero impact on my life. I'm a guy. We don't care about that stuff."

"Trust me, Honey."

I shook my head and left for school.

When I arrived at school I got the shock of my life.

"Ty, hey bro, we're going to prom," my friend Jimmy said. "Me and Joe got the Hanson twins to be our dates."

"No shit?"

"No shit. You have to go, Ty. We might get lucky."

That made us all laugh.

I didn't want to go, yet I was being coerced into it by my jerk friends who went and got themselves dates. They ended up convincing me to try to find a date.

For the entire day, I struggled with who I should ask. It looked like I would be going solo, until I had Chemistry class with Dana Spears.

We were lab partners, and she was a nice, shy girl who was cute. Her prom date had to cancel because he couldn't get off work.

I mustered up some courage, took a deep breath, then asked. "Dana, would you like to go to prom?"

She smiled and said, "Yeah, but Steve cancelled on me. I'm probably going in a friend group."

"Um, no. I was asking you to go with me."

She frowned and said, "You're a really nice guy, Tyler, but I can't go with you."

She looked sad, and when she said, "I want nice pictures of my prom. You're, um, look, would just be sloppy, ya know."

"My look?"

"The long hair, bushy beard. The pictures would be bad."

"Pictures?" I asked in disbelief. How could such a nice girl be so hurtful?

"Tyler."

"No, I get it. I wouldn't want your pictures to look like shit. You'd have to live with that for the rest of your life."

Okay, maybe the sarcasm wasn't necessary, but I held back what I really wanted to say.

I walked over to the teacher and told him I felt sick. He gave me a pass to go to the nurse, but it was my last class, so I just went home.

Up until that moment, I was happy. I was comfortable in my skin and didn't care about the nicknames. I wasn't overly bullied or anything, so I took them in stride and never let it bother me.

But Dana's comments crushed me. She didn't want to go with me because she didn't want to take pictures with me. Of all the high school bullshit I'd ever heard, that took the cake.

I wasn't sure I wanted to go back to school. We had a week left and with us being seniors, it was all fluff.

A few half days, a graduation rehearsal day, and that would be it. We didn't even take finals our last week. I wondered if I could just blow it all off.

I looked at my reflection and asked myself, "Why didn't I get haircuts?"

It wasn't as if I were in a band and needed to have the rock star look. I couldn't come up with a decent answer. Maybe, I was just lazy and got used to it?

I opened my drawer and took out the gift card from Uncle Jack.

"Maybe, you were right, Uncle?"

For the first time, my appearance did hold me back from something. Then, I imagined a future of job interviews going nowhere because of my appearance.

I looked at the card and decided it was time to be drastic.

*****

The next day, was Saturday, and I walked into the barbershop.

If you've ever seen the cliche where the record scratches to a stop and everyone looks at the guy who walked in the door? That's how it felt.

A middle-aged guy, wearing a smock, said, "Oh, my," and walked up to greet me.

"Good morning. What can I do for you today."

I said, "I don't know. My Uncle Jack gave me this as a gift. It doesn't say how much it's for or anything."

He took the card and asked, "Jack Caprilli? Then you're Tyler, of course?"

I nodded.

"Well, Jackie just lost a hundred bucks."

"Does that get me a haircut?"

He laughed, "No, no. When Jack bought that gift, he said you'd never use it. I bet him a hundred bucks you'd at least come in to buy some hair gel and try to cash out the change."

"Yeah, I was gonna do that, but I was turned down for the prom because she didn't want to take pictures with me."

The room erupted.

"Whoa!"

"Holy shit!"

"Fuck that broad!"

"Johnny, give that kid the works." The old man that said that walked up, "I'm Sal. I own this place with my kid here, Johnny."

We shook hands, and Johnny said, "Jack already bought him the works, Pop. I'll take good care of him."

"Good, good. We're gonna make you a new man, kid. That bitch is gonna regret it, trust me. I can see you're a good-looking guy under there."

He patted my shoulder and walked away mumbling about bitches and heartless whores. I had a feeling he had some bad experiences with the ladies in his lifetime.

"Okay, Tyler. Your uncle set you up with everything. That's a haircut, straight razor shave, a wash when we're done, and we'll even take care of that caterpillar you call eyebrows. Your own mother won't recognize you when we're done."

"Okay. Gimme your best shot."

"Did you have something in mind for a hairstyle?"

I never thought about a style. I panicked and said, "Like my uncle."

Johnny smiled, "Yeah, that'll look good on you. You and Jackie look alike. I bet under that bush you've got a nice square jaw like he does."

"Mom always said I looked like him."

"You betcha. Okay, you ready?"

I nodded, and he grabbed my hair into a ponytail and cut it off.

I watched as my hair fell to the floor, turning it black. Inch after inch disappeared and slowly turned me into a different person.

After he finished, he said, "Okay, kid. You're gonna take a bit of this goop in your hands and rub 'em together. Then you'll spread it around. Then you'll comb it. Easy peasy. That stuff'll hold your hair any way you want it all day, okay?"

I watched him brush my hair forward, then sweep the very front up and back to the right.

"Voila! Whadda you think?"

I was shocked. Even when I had short hair all those years ago, I never looked like that.

"Wow!" I gasped.

"Uh, huh. I'm a friggin' artist over here," Johnny smiled. "Now we shave."

It seemed like the shave took hours. He used clippers to trim it shorter, then he scalded me with a hot towel, then he finally put some shaving cream on my beard.

"Smells good, right?" He asked.

"Yeah?"

"Okay, you ready?"

"Don't slit my throat."

He laughed and said, "Don't worry. I ain't cut no one all week."

As he dragged the steel along my neck I wondered what I'd look like. It had been almost two years since I had a clean-shaven face.

"Oh, yeah. See dat, kid? You have a nice Italian jawline. The chicks are gonna dig you, ya lucky bastard."

After pulling my nose in directions it shouldn't go, he finished his last strokes with the blade.

Close your eyes kid. I'll be right back.

I closed them and then felt a cool towel wipe my face followed by a dry towel. I heard a splash and then hands clap before he put them on my cheeks making me wince from the sting.

After a few moments, I heard clippers again, and felt him trim my eyebrows.

"Alright, Tyler. Open 'em up and look at the new you."

I opened my eyes and was floored, "Damn!"

All the guys in the shop applauded, and then the door opened.

"Get the fuck outta here. I can't believe you came," shouted my Uncle Jack. "Look at him, Johnny. Jeez, he looks like my twin."

He patted my shoulder and pulled out his money clip.

"Fuckin' beautiful, Johnny." He pulled off two one-hundred-dollar bills and Johnny accepted them.

"That squares us for the bet, plus the tip," he said to Johnny. "He looks great."

"Thank you, Uncle Jack."

"Stick around, Tyler. I'm gonna get my trim, then I'll take you to lunch."

I sat in the waiting area and couldn't stop looking at myself in the mirror. I was a new person.

I expected to look different, of course, but not that different.

*****

"You should've called me, we could've come together," Jack said as we sat for lunch.

"I didn't decide to come until yesterday."

He nodded, "Okay. Oh! You have to try the fettuccini Alfredo. It's fantastic with a piece of sausage on the side."

"Okay."

He placed our order and said, "Look, I know you were miffed at me for getting you that gift, but I wasn't wrong. Trust me, Tyler, the world is a shitty place. Having individuality and your own style sounds great, but the reality is, in a professional environment, you gotta look the part."

"I never worried about how I looked until yesterday. I asked a girl to the prom, and she turned me down because of how I looked. I never felt so humiliated."

He frowned, "See what I mean. People say that it's what's on the inside that matters, but that's only partially true. You're a good kid with a good heart, but she didn't care about that, did she?"

The server set some bread and our drinks down and winked at Jack.

"I've taken her out a few times," he smiled. "Look. Of course, you could meet a girl that doesn't care about long hair and a beard, and you could find a job where they don't care what you look like. In the meantime, you'll have to deal with people like that girl that rejected you. Why go through the pain? It's just hair."

"I do look good," I said with a grin.

"Yeah, ya do. Hey, a friend of mine has a daughter your age. You want me to see if I can hook you up for the prom?"

"I don't know," I sighed.

"Hang on," he said before taking my picture and sending a text. "Give it a minute."

He dipped some bread in the olive oil and moaned.

"Great bread. They make it fresh here every morning."

His phone rang, and he answered, "Hey, Michael. Yeah, that's my nephew. Yeah, Angela's kid."

He winked at me.

"Ok, great. I'll text you his number and you can give it to Gina. Okay, see you tonight. First round's on me."

He ended the call and said, "You're in. Gina will go with you to prom."

"Thanks."

"You're gonna like her, Kid. She ain't a dog or nothin."

*****

Jack drove me home, and when he pulled into my driveway, he said, "I'm comin' in. I wanna see your mother's face when she sees you."

We walked in, and he shouted, "Hey, Angela!"

"I'm in the kitchen, Jack."

He smiled and nudged me forward.

Mom was washing a bowl when I said, "Hi, Mom."

"Hi, Sweetie. Did you come with Jack?"

She still hadn't turned around.

"Yeah, Angie. I had to bail him out of jail," Jack said.

"What!" She shrieked and spun around, with the bowl still in her hands.

The bowl hit the floor about the same time her jaw did when she saw me.

"Holy shit!" She said and walked towards me. "My baby," she smiled and took my cheeks in her hands. "So handsome."

Jack said, "Doesn't he look great. He looks like me."

"He looks like Papa. You just happen to look like him too."

They laughed, and Jack said, "Here, Sis. I'm gonna pay for his prom tickets." He then handed her some money.

"You're going?" She asked.

"Yeah, Uncle Jack set me up with his friend's daughter."

"Jackie?" She asked with a frown.

"It's Michael's girl Gina. You know her."

Mom rolled her eyes, "All right. Just be good."

I shrugged and said, "I'm gonna play some video games. Thanks for everything, Uncle."

We hugged and he lightly slapped my cheek before I walked away.

*****

The first thing I did when I got to school the following Monday was beg the Dean to let me buy tickets since I was a few days late.

Miss Meyers, the Dean of Students, said, "Okay. I'm giving the final head count this afternoon. You're lucky you came straight in."

I filled out the form, then handed her the money.

She looked at my name and her head shot up, "Tyler? Is that you?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Wow! You look amazing."

"Thanks. I'll see ya."

I felt her stare as I walked into the hall. Her reaction made me smile, and I wondered if anyone would recognize me.

It was a half-day and all we had to do was clean our desks. In each of my classes, I got strange looks from the teachers before recognition finally hit when I went to my desk.

I received many compliments, and a lot of shocked expressions as the day progressed.

In my last class, I was the last one to walk in the room, just after the late bell.

Everyone looked at me, and there were a few kids who hadn't seen me yet in other classes.

"Can I help you?" My teacher asked.

"Sorry I'm late. I was stopped in the hall by Miss Espinoza."

I walked over to my table and sat. I made it a point to ignore all of the stares and didn't care to see Dana's reaction either.

"It's all right, Tyler. I didn't recognize you."

After class, I walked to my locker and heard Dana say, "Tyler?"

I didn't turn around but asked, "What do you want, Dana?"

"I want to apologize. I realized I was mean to you on Friday, and you didn't deserve it. I thought I was a better person than that, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry you felt you had to change who you are because of me."

I turned and saw she looked sad before walking away. I shrugged and closed my locker.

"What a bitch," my friend Joe said.

"She's not a bitch. I think she just set up some kind of expectation for prom and wouldn't deviate from it."

"She's going with Steve now," Jimmy said. "He was able to get out of work and told her Friday after school."

"Good for her," I said. "He'll take nice pictures."

We laughed at my bad joke.

*****

I had spoken to Gina a couple of times during the week leading up to prom. She went to a different school, and they had their prom the week before.

She didn't have a boyfriend, and she said she was looking forward to going with me.

She also sent me a picture of herself, and she was gorgeous.

We had decent conversations, but she seemed to disparage everything I talked about. We definitely didn't have the same interests, and I didn't see anything brewing for us after prom.

Uncle Jack let me borrow his BMW for the dance, so when I pulled in front of her house, she smiled.

Her mom was taking pictures of her in front of their home, and soon enough, I was in the rest of the pictures after introducing myself to her family.

Her father slapped me on the shoulder and said, "Treat my girl right, Tyler. Don't act like your uncle."

I laughed and said, "I'm nothing like my uncle."

"Good boy. Have a good time."

"Don't mind my dad," she said as I pulled away from the curb. "He calls your uncle a pussy hound."

"Really? I've never seen him with a girlfriend," I said.

"Exactly. The way my dad and mom talk, he's more of a love 'em and leave 'em kinda guy."

I pulled up to the hotel and used valet parking.

When we walked into the ballroom, Joe and Jimmy greeted us along with their dates.

"Let's dance," Gina said and dragged me out to the floor.

The Hanson twins were pretty good dancers, but Gina blew them away. By the time the song ended, she was queen of the dance floor.

My friends and I looked like sticks blowing in the wind, while the girls were strutting their stuff. I realized soon enough that I'd be sitting most dances out. I just couldn't keep up with her.

After dinner, we slow danced to Wonderful Tonight. I looked to my left and saw Dana standing to the side of the dance floor, while Steve talked to his friends.

She looked at me with the same sad look as at my locker, and I felt bad for her. She obviously regretted her choices.

"Who's that girl? She's been watching us all night," Gina asked.

"My lab partner Dana. I asked her to be my date and she turned me down. She was cruel about it."

"She turned you down?" Gina laughed.

"Before last Saturday, I had long hair and a bushy beard. She said the pictures would look bad if she went with me."

"You want me to punch her?"

I laughed, "No. She apologized, and I can see she regrets it."

"Okay, but she's a dumb ass. You're cute and you're a nice guy."

"Thanks."

We finished the dance and Gina excused herself to use the restroom. Dana immediately made her way over to me and asked me to dance.

"My date's in the washroom. I wouldn't feel right accepting without her permission."

"Oh, sorry. I guess that would be rude."

She turned and walked back to her table where she spoke to Steve. He shook his head no and went back to talking with his friends.

I went to the bar and got a couple of soft drinks. When I walked back, I saw Dana talking to Gina, Dana looked like she was going to cry.

"Here you go," I said as I handed Gina her drink.

"Thanks. Debbie here asked me if it would be okay to dance with you."

"It's Dana," Dana corrected.

"Whatever. So, I said it's up to you if you want to dance with a bitch or not."

I frowned and said to Dana, "I'll dance the next slow one with you, okay?"

"Thanks," she said meekly and hurried away.

Gina said, "Imagine the nerve of that girl to expect a dance with the guy she turned down. I swear some bitches are nuts."

"She's not a bitch. Before she turned me down, I thought she was one of the sweetest girls I'd ever met."

She laughed, "You can't be that dumb." Then she went on a tirade about her and basically called her every name in the book. She didn't even know her.

I got pissed and said, "It sounds to me like you're the bitch."

She stood and said, "Fuck you, Jerk. I'll Uber home."

She stormed out and I stood there wondering what the hell had happened.

"What was that all about?" Joe asked.

"She was treating Dana like shit, and I called her out on it. She got mad and left."

"You lost that hottie defending Dana? Are you nuts?"

"I guess so. I mean, Dana was nice until she wasn't, but then apologized, and I forgave her."

He shook his head, and his date pulled him back onto the dance floor.

The fast song ended, and a slow one started. It didn't take Dana a second to rush over to me.