CHAPTER 1
Hostess Helen Horsely watched intently the new recruit who had been introduced to her as Thomas Thom walked away. Her husband Hudson was managing partner of HBW, Certified Public Accountants and Advisors, and this was the Horselys' bi-monthly cocktail party for people on the HBW payroll along with partners to foster goodwill and togetherness.
Helen broke away to go to her youngest daughter Sharon, who still lived at home and seemed to have far more girlfriends than boyfriends, and that was a bit of a worry.
"Sharon dear, please dress up and come down; there's someone I'd like you to meet."
"Aw mom, not again?"
"Come along, it will happen one day. This could be that occasion."
"Okay," Sharon signed dutifully, being smart enough to know when you live at home as an adult it pays to be polite and cooperative.
Helen had artfully engaged Thomas in conversation, knowing when Sharon came down she'd come to her mom, to be pointed to the young guy Helen had hoped would be Mr Right.
"How did the firm get the name HBW Mrs Hudson? That wasn't explained at my induction."
"Well the three original partners were named Horsley, Bobbitt and Winkowski."
"Oh, what a collection of odd names lumped together and making quite a mouthful. Some guy with a modern streak must have shaken the firm's principals out of the cobwebs and suggested HBW?"
"Indeed Thomas. By the way my married name is Horsely."
"Oh, no slur intended."
"Well calling my name odd could be termed offensive."
"Mrs Horsely I had no intention..."
"Relax dear. I think it's a hideous name but found Hudson to be quite a charmer when we began courting some thirty-five years ago. It was our youngest daughter who suggested HBW as a name change. Why here she comes now. Sharon I'd like you to meet our newest recruit Mr Thomas Thom. Would you two please excuse me; I must circulate."
It didn't work out. An hour later Sharon accepted Thomas's invitation to sit on the back porch in the dark with her. He groped. Sharon excused herself for a minute and didn't return and Thomas, poor guy, sat waiting in subduing excitement for a good half hour thinking she was taking a long time to remove her underwear and fetch towels.
At breakfast next morning Hudson said with satisfaction last evening's function appeared to have gone very well. Nothing appeared broken and he hadn't found any red wine stains on the carpets.
"Yes dear, it went very well," Helen said, eyeing her daughter in despair. "Sharon, what went wrong?"
"Nothing mom. Mr Thom decided to sit on the back porch longer than I cared for so I returned to my room."
A scowl spreading over his face, Hudson asked, "Did he grope?"
"What's a grope daddy," asked the apparent blue-eyed innocent.
Helen scolded, "Hudson for heaven's sake."
Later that day the twenty-five year old blonde Sharon left the loft where she wrote her daily column about the interests of young adults that syndicated to thirty-three newspapers and was heading for Pam's Coffee Shop to join some of her friends when a guy fell into step beside her.
"Hi I'm Tomas Thom's brother Miller, a sub-editor on The Clarion. He said he met you last night and considers you a cold-hearted bitch. Should I hit him for you?"
"Yes please. Now shove off."
"Sharon please. We are literary compatriots."
"Oh yes -- don't you mean we work for the same newspaper? Sub-editors are word technicians. There's little creativeness in them."
"That is an erroneous conclusion. Thomas is right; you are a cold-hearted bitch."
Sharon stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. "Take that back and apologize or I'll bloody your nose."
"Jesus."
"Come along now Mr Thom."
"Sharon sweetheart. I apologize and your virginity is safe with me."
The blue-eyed innocent asked sweetly, "What is virginity Mr Thom?"
"I-I well... Miller blustered, caught left-footed. "May I take your for a drink?"
"Very well."
Miller practically had to drag her into the bar.
"I-I had assumed you meant coffee shop."
"Nah, its early afternoon and... oh god, you don't inhabit bars do you?"
"Well now that you mention it may reply has to be no."
He said carefully, "So you are a non-drinking virgin?"
"I drink alcohol at home, at other people's homes and in restaurants and I can assure you I'm... Well enough said."
"About what?"
"That's for you to find out Mr Thom if you are good enough."
"I don't understand. You are talking in riddles."
"Well don't attempt to understand and you'll be left without that problem. Why complicate your life so Mr Thom?"
"Huh?"
"Or really Mr Thom. A single malt Scotch, no water."
"Huh?"
"Yes, you must be a word technician. Barman, a single malt Scotch and a beer for the gentleman."
"What kind of beer?"
"Don't ask me, ask him. I just picked him up on the street."
"In that case ma'am I'll have to ask you to leave these premises. The notice above the bar clearly says No Soliciting."
"Mr Stupid," Sharon said ominously. "If any soliciting had occurred it would have occurred out on the sidewalk wouldn't it? Now serve our drinks or I'll go to court and have these premises closed down for breach of license requirements compelling the licensee to serve liquor to bone-fide customers."
"What kind of customers?"
"Al, serve the lady and stop attempting to embarrass her." Miller said. "She's all over you and you will risk having the boss's license reviewed."
"Jesus. Best of malt coming up ma'am and Bozo with you drinks Claudeland's Larger."
"Thank you Al. Now hit him Bozo beside me for attempting to spoil my maiden journey into a den of iniquity."
Al reached for his baseball bat but eased away when he saw Miller thrust his hands into his pants' pockets.
"Well now that's settled amicably may we have our drinks Al?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Al you may call me Sharon. Why don't you allow sex in this bar? It's one of the few things young people of today seem really interested in."
Scandalized and not knowing how to answer that and to escape another possibly tongue-lashing, Al scurried down to the far end of the bar to fix their drinks in perceived safety.
"Well Sharon, that was an interesting insight to you losing you loosing your bar virginity, so to speak, and scaring our barman legless."
"Oh very droll Miller. Remember you did have the option of taking me to coffee."
"I have thoroughly enjoyed the last few minutes. Being with you has been momentous, shaking the dullness out of my Saturday afternoon and to think Thomas's description for you was, quote, 'As dull as a gray sky and she's determined to keep her legs locked."
"Hit Thomas for me Miller and then explained to me what he meant."
"Perhaps I'll bypass both of those requests Miss Horsely. I'm wondering if you are the Daughter of the Devil reincarnated?"
"Oooh, you surprise me Bozo."
"Bozo is not my nickname. It's a title Al uses when he can't remember guy's name."
"Oh, how fascinating. That is something I must investigate... how do young people remember people's names and if they fail to remember a name how do they substitute?"
"Hey you?"
"The young people I target may have an intellect that's above your level Bozo."
Miller grinned. "You are awesome and I'm now sure you cannot possibly be a virgin Sharon."
"That is something I don't care to discuss."
"Well have some more whiskies and become malleable."
"Oooh Mr Thom, that's a big word for you. No, after this one drink I'm off. You'll be given occasions to attempt to prove your theory"
"What? When?"
"Just sit tight. It will happen."
"Thanks Al," Sharon said and raising her glass to Miller drained it in one gulp. "Oh lovely. Keep the change Al. Bye Bozo and thanks for soliciting me in this bar."
"Bozo," roared Al. "Out of this bar."
"Al, come on, be reasonable. Look how she tied you up in knots with her words. The bitch is a shit-stirrer."
"Oh, one of those. Have another drink Bozo, er Miller."
Over dinner that evening Miller said, "Mom, I think I've found her."
"Found who?"
"Miss Right"
Miller's mother Milly, younger sister Kate, older brother Thomas and father Stanley looked at him expectantly.
"She's the Horsely's youngest daughter Sharon."
"What, that dried up young bitch?"
Bedlam erupted as Miller gave Thomas a big nose bleed, blood flying everywhere.
When the meal resumed, Thomas sat holding an icepack over his nose, and Kate said, "Sharon Horsely is on the honors board at college. She won the Sarah Lincoln Memorial Literary Prize and top gymnast prize each year she was at college and in her final year was runner-up in the state inter-collegiate award for journalism. Her older sister Macy is my gym coach."
Miller scratched his head and said, "Holy shit" to receive a mild rebuke from his mom. A mild rebuke? He looked at his mom surprised to find her smiling at him proudly. He looked away embarrassed.
"Why didn't she take to me?" Thomas moaned, lifting the ice pack to speak.
"Because you are scum. Those young women you mess with talk you know. At least Miller has some class."
"That's enough Kate," said their mom, losing her smile.
"Well being Hudson Horsely's daughter she'll be okay," Stanley said. "Hudson's a real straight-shooter as most accountants are. What does this kid do?"
"She's a columnist for The Clarion," mother and daughter said almost in unison.
"Huh? I must jump her column," Stanley said. "You met her at the office son?"
