It feels like I'm back at the start of everything that's happened. I'm parked outside Monique's, wondering again what to tell my friends, how much to reveal of myself. There are things I need to share with them that happened nine days ago and since then, things about myself that I don't understand yet, events and memories that gladden my heart but other things that have left me unsure about who I am.
Especially the parts that still feel like they happened to another person inside me. In my mind I'm making up a separate person, inside of me but different, wanting darker things than I do, to revel in lust and surrender my body, mind and soul to pleasure. I keep telling myself that it's only natural given what happened that night, but I still feed the need to push it away, keep it separate from my image of who I am, pretend that the hunger isn't mine but hers. My subconscious mind keeps going back to that night, replaying it over and over again as I've slept this past week. With the help of my friends, maybe I'll be able to figure out if what I'm experiencing is dreams...
Or nightmares.
Walking through the restaurant I can't help but look at the people around me sitting at their tables. They all look so normal, so at ease, so untroubled. Behind those masks are there faces with things to hide, showing happy features to cover the darkness that lies within them? I softly shake my head, I'm hoping everyone is feeling conflicting emotions like I am, trying somehow to make me feel better by believing they're like me.
I'm pretty sure that none of the people around me ever experienced what I did Friday night.
I had to miss our brunch last Sunday, I was still fairly weak that day. I'd taken the coward's way out of letting my friends know I wasn't coming by texting them. I knew if I talked to one of them over the phone they'd know that something major had happened and would be worried about me, ask me what was wrong. (Just like two Sundays ago) I wasn't up to that last weekend, and while I was recovered physically by now I wasn't sure if I was mentally. Maybe unburdening myself to them would help.
I hoped so.
Opening the door and walking in I was relieved that they were all already there, and Tiffany was there also, platters of food sitting there untouched yet. For a moment I paused, they all sat there, looking at me, looking for signs of distress or maybe physical discomfort, even pain. I almost panicked, like a deer in the headlights, frozen and unable to move. Trying to find something to say to break the tension...
"I think I looked just like that in second grade when I had to sing in a school talent night."
God I love Tiffany.
As if they'd rehearsed it they all stood up and came over and put me in the middle of a group hug. I could feel my body relax a little, my nerves settle down. Stepping away, Helen took my hand and led me over to our table. Once everyone was seated she looked at me and said "Sara, if you don't want to talk about it that's okay. We're here for you if you need us."
"Thank you Helen, everyone. I do need to talk about it, I'm not sure how to tell you about it."
Hesitantly, Beth said "Sara, if you had to describe it in just simple short words, what would you say?"
Nervous, almost sobbing laughter. "Short words? What happened was beyond words, and beyond anything I'd imagined it could be."
Almost everyone was too stunned to say anything, and all Claire could come up with was a soft "Wow."
Helen asked "What can you tell us Sara?"
"Maybe I can start off with the safe stuff, the things that led up to that Friday. Sean.. Sean can't hide anything from me, I always know when he's up to something, but Sunday through Thursday morning he kept up dropping hints about what he was planning, ramping up my excitement for what was coming. Sunday after I got back from our brunch he announced we were having a movie night."
My friends knew I was waiting for someone to ask me the question, so Beth obliged. "Okay, so what was the movie?"
"Fifty Shades of Grey."
"Ooooh." "Oh god." "Wow." "Damn!"
"Yeah. While the movie ran I sat on his lap, and I could feel his erection underneath me. After the movie was over he just stood up and went to bed."
None of them could say anything.
"Then Monday when I got to work and parked in my usual spot, there was a sign in front of me saying those five words again."