(This is chapter 4 in the story of Alice and Lewis. At the end of the previous chapter Alice asks Lewis to go home with her. This chapter begins as they drive to her apartment.)
Lewis and I are cruising down the highway to my home. I try to goad him into racing but he points two fingers at his visor and turns them to the road ahead.
I sigh, turn up my music and cruise.
Once parked at my apartment I lean against his car and pout as he takes off his helmet and gloves.
He holds his helmet at his hip and mock glares at me. 'What?'
My lips twitch as I try to maintain my pout but before I can get out two words my expression cracks. 'You missed the chance to race your own car!'
He shakes his head, 'Not on a highway, you're too wild out there.'
Immediately defensive I say, 'At least I've never cartwheeled into a ditch.'
I regret it the moment the words pass my lips and I reach towards him, 'I'm sorry. I should not have said that.'
He touches my hand and curls his fingers in mine. 'I don't want you to ever find out what it feels like to crash.'
My gaze drops to his boots as I shake my head.
'Thought I fixed my head better than to snap when someone is telling me a truth I don't want to hear.'
'Pobody's nerfect' He says with his face splitting grin.
I laugh and roll my eyes at the old joke.
Lewis's face turns serious, 'I am worried about you though, I hope you'll listen to the voice in your head saying slow down.'
Part of my mind yells, 'I will not be told how to live my own life!' but a different, quiet voice knows he's right.
'I just.. I've been cautious. I've listened to every warning and done my best to steer clear of danger, it also meant being afraid of the excitement of risk.' I say in a soft voice.
He strokes my chin and I lift my face towards him.
He looks into my eyes as he says, 'I was lucky enough to be a kid when I was a kid. I made stupid mistakes because I didn't have any wisdom to temper my wildness. I survived by luck.'
I flutter my eyelashes, 'So you're saying I'm making a stupid mistake and am going to end up wrapped around a pole?'
Lewis grins again but with earnest concern he replies, 'I'm saying you need to let loose on a track instead of a highway.'
I glance back at his car and raise an eyebrow.
'Nope. When your car is ready you and I will race on the pro track just outside the city. The shop has a standing invitation to test cars on their track.'
I jump into his arms and between peppering his neck and face with kisses I exclaim, 'That's amazing! Thank you!'
He chuckles as I rest my head on his shoulder.
'I know I needed the reality check, thank you for that as well.' I release my grip and slide to the ground.
As my hand moves down the arm of his riding jacket I grasp his. 'Come in.'
We walk up to my apartment and I show him where he can put his gear. I'm slightly disappointed to see he's wearing a shirt under his coat.
'Have a seat.' I say pointing to my only couch.
He thumps down onto my new but comfy cushions.
In a sultry voice I say, 'I'll be right back, I need to change into something.. more comfortable.' and I sashay off to my bedroom.
A few minutes later I walk out braless in my favourite oversize band T-shirt and baggy pyjama pants.
'Tease.' he says as I sit on the couch next to him.
'You don't like my comfy clothes?' I exaggerate a disappointed expression.
He draws me to him, my back against his chest and he wraps his arms around me.
'Love them.' he says, 'I am perfectly comfy.'
I nestle into him and my body relaxes. 'Me too.'
After a few minutes of content silence I speak.
'Did something in your past make you not want to ask me for anything?'
His long sigh ruffles my hair. 'You want to know my history?'
'I want to understand you.' I reply.
'You just want sex, a toy friend. Why would my baggage matter?' he asks.
His tone isn't irritated or accusational, it's just a question.
'The past few days have shown me,' I confess, 'I am not a person who wishes for emotionless sex, my pleasure needs connection. I don't want this to be one sided.'
He's quiet, his hands move with light pressure kneading my shoulders.
I can hear the restraint as he says, 'I am grateful for any pieces you wish to share.'
'But why?' I ask him.
Lewis presses his face into my hair and inhales, then he speaks.
'I can be.. a bit too much.'
I wrinkle my nose and shift so I can look at his face.
He continues, 'In the past I've thrown myself into relationships without hesitation, without worry about the future. I was told I move too quickly, my feelings too strong. I've learned that jumping into a deeper relationship quickly is not normal. They said I smothered them. I guess my enthusiasm comes across as obsessive.'
A small smile flickers across his face before his eyes close and he raises his face to the ceiling.
'The instinct is trying to come out, you're on my mind constantly. The instant our eyes met I felt myself longing to give you everything you've ever wanted. But I've learned from my mistakes. I won't ask for anything, I won't let myself hope for anything. I'm happy with whatever you choose to give me.'
I lean back against the couch as I reply. 'I think that is the definition of a hopeless romantic.'
Lewis opens one eye to look at me quizzically.
I pause as I replay what he said, 'I can see how your experiences have created hesitation. But I like passion, I like attention, I like knowing you think about me when we aren't together.'
My smile fades as I realise he is denying himself the full relationship he wants. I feel the need to explain why I refuse more attachment than we have right now. I want him to choose where he wants to go from here.
I keep talking, 'I won't commit to anything. I don't have the strength to push back against pressure, not yet. Long term relationships are all give and take and I don't have a lot to give right now.'
I feel my jaw clench as I carry on, 'In the end people always take more than I want to give. I don't want to feel that from you so I won't give you the chance.'
I can tell I've upset him, of course I did. Nobody likes being told you don't trust them.
Lewis narrows his eyes and his eyebrows draw down. 'There is no 'take', not ever.'
I try to make my words teasing, 'Come on, of course there is, guys have needs and sometimes we just have to give in.'
He looks angry as he places his hands on each side of my face; my heart beats faster at the intensity in his eyes. 'Everything in a relationship is given, never taken. Anything else is abuse.'
He is being earnest, he truly believes what he's saying. I look away from him and consider. Nothing I've experienced has been bad enough to be called abuse, has it?
He releases my face and moves with a quick jerk backwards.
His next words spill out in a burst, 'Sorry, I'm sorry. That was aggressive. I shouldn't have touched you, shouldn't have spoken to you like that.'
He pushes his body back onto the edge of the couch trying to create space between us. I lift his hand and lay my cheek against his palm. My heart slows at the touch and he stops squirming away.
With a quiet voice and pale smile I say, 'My experiences were different, I will remember what you said.'
His shoulders relax; as he settles onto the couch I lean against him. I pull on his leg to wrap it around me. I run my fingers along the knuckles of his hand in a slow steady motion. I press between them and massage each of his oil stained fingers. We are sitting in silence again and his breath is warm against my neck; I continue to play with his hand.
When his other hand drops from the edge of the couch to my shoulder I massage that one as well. It takes me a while to realise he's fallen asleep. Shimmying a little lower I rest my head on his chest and he moves his arm around my waist. I fall asleep soon after.
I'm awoken by a jolt of movement. Lewis is breathing fast and I lift my head from his chest to wait for his sleepy mind to recognise me.
