The problem with using a certain parent as material for my sexual imaginings was obvious a couple of days later when John and Sam showed up in the morning, smiling and hugging each other good bye, as if nothing had happened. Sam started building something in the far corner of the room and John asked to speak to me, just for a couple of minutes.
The man really was attractive with his tousled, dark blond hair and his sky blue eyes. The fact that he was a tall man with a strong body no longer scared me, but instead it made me wonder what it would feel like to lie in his arms. What would it feel like to have him lying on top of me? What would it feel like to lie on top of him?
I could tell that my face turned from pink to red as I tried not to look at John, tried not to wonder if he was strong enough to lift me up and carry me around. Tried... and failed.
"I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you so much for taking care of my Sam" he said. "I wanted to move Sam somewhere safer, but he said he didn't want to leave. There was something, he said, about you showing him how to build something special?"
"Yes" I answered with weak knees but a surprisingly strong voice "but it's a secret for someone's birthday, and I've been told not to say anything about it". That someone was of course Sam's dad, and I guess he understood since he didn't continue with his questions.
He took my hand and squeezed it softly. "Thank you"
I don't know why, but I answered him with a whispered "thank you" and felt my cheeks go warm again.
He leaned in closer and just for a second it felt as if he was going to hug me, when he quickly straightened up and took a step back. He tossed a "have a nice day now" to me and half-ran out of the room.
And there I stood, with a surprised "oh" on my still reddish face and a strange "what did just happen?"-feeling in my body. My brain seemed to have taken a temporary leave of absence, and I was having difficulties processing my reactions.
If Mary is the thinker in my little group of friends, then I'm more about staying true to my feelings. But the thing is, you really do need a brain to process what you are feeling. And when my brain power was turned back on just seconds later, I could see the truth quite clearly; I was falling in love. Because it wasn't just lust (although heavily spiced with that particular ingredient), it was something more.
And it wasn't a comfortable "I like this guy, and we're compatible, and I want to be with him"-kind of falling in love either. It was like an instant meal of insanely strong feelings of caring for and absolute want-wanting. It reminded me of all the times I had had to separate two children fighting over the same toy. I was a 31 year old woman that wanted, yes absolutely needed that red car (in the shape of a man).