Revenge of the Nerd

Jeff's bachelor party was on a Thursday night ten days before the wedding. I'll admit I was nervous. It made no sense. I didn't make a request or even a suggestion as to what might be inappropriate behavior. That could never happen.

Sure, cousins Ben, Tyler and Malcolm would be there. Ben's attitude made me suspicious. Tyler and Malcolm were superstars at inducing fear. They were capable of attending a religious retreat and turning it into an event where they were the only ones not arrested.

However, Louis would also be there. I felt confident he would not let things get out of hand. Rich would be there as well and Jen had spared no adjectives in describing how responsible he was.

The most important attendee would be Jeff. Given how he had gone out of his way to take care of me when I went out drinking with the girls on my twenty-first birthday, he might well be the most responsible person there.

And even if Tyler and Malcolm managed to somehow drug Jeff, which wouldn't be the first time they accomplished such illegal behavior, Louis and Rich would be there to protect him.

Sabrina had joked she was sure she could titillate the guys with a steaming, hot dance. At least I think she was joking.

Yeah, I wasn't worried one little bit.

"So, did Rich tell you about the big night?" I feigned casual.

"Big night?" asked Jen. She was feigning casual as well. I could tell she meant to give me a hard time.

"The bachelor party," I said, clarifying with no special emphasis.

"Oh, that."

"Yes."

"I think Rich did mention something about it."

"How long do you plan to torture me?" I asked.

"Just long enough for me to squeeze the maximum enjoyment out of it."

She didn't continue. I shoved my palms upward in an urgent gesture.

"It was pretty damn funny. Jeff is a bachelor, but I don't think you could really use the word party to describe it.

"The brothers, Tyler and Malcolm, suggested they go to a strip club.

"Jeff said he'd already seen plenty of the most beautiful women on the face of the earth. He said it would be anticlimactic. One of the brothers said they wanted the evening to be

climactic

. They both laughed at that like he was a professional comedian. Jeff whispered to Rich he couldn't decide if the brothers were drunk, stupid or drunk

and

stupid.

"The other brother said he knew a club where they could have a

really good time

. Both of them laughed like this was the funniest thing they ever heard. Jeff whispered to Rich he was having a hard time believing these guys had graduated from elementary school, let alone college. He said the highlight of the evening would be when he could escape from them.

"After some arguing, Jeff said he had already eaten, but he would like to go somewhere to get a really nasty dessert. One of the brothers said, 'That's what I'm talking about. We can go to this club and get a

really

nasty dessert, if you know what I mean.'

"Jeff said, 'No. I don't think I know what you mean. Could you explain?' He said it earnestly, with an absolutely straight face.

"The brothers were stumped, like someone had asked them to explain how DNA replicates. Rich said he could barely keep from laughing. Louis had to turn his head away to keep from breaking up.

"They went to a restaurant. Jeff ordered key lime pie and a chocolate mousse and a Diet Sprite. He said their mousse was fabulous. One of the brothers tried to make a risqué joke about mousse, but he got confused and Jeff and Rich started snort laughing. The guy beamed, like he had mastered the fine art of humor.

"Somebody suggested they get the drinking started and Jeff said he couldn't do that because he was under age. The Neanderthals started to laugh until they realized he was serious.

"When Jeff went to the bathroom, Tweedle dumb, Rich couldn't figure out which was which so took to referring to them as Tweedle dumb and Tweedle dumber, poured some of his drink in Jeff's Diet Sprite. Tweedle dumb giggled and said Jeff wouldn't know the difference.

"Jeff came back to the table and picked up his drink and looked at it funny. He smelled it. He held the glass up to look at it more closely and asked, 'Did one of you boneheads put something in my drink?'

"They both denied it and Jeff picked up on some body language and said, 'Oh, you, Tyler.'

"You know, there was one other strange thing Rich mentioned."

"What was that?"

"He said he had no idea Jeff went out and met so many people."

My face told her I had no idea what she was talking about.

"Rich said everywhere they went there were people coming up to them saying hi to Jeff or and extending their hands to shake and saying Jeff Goldberg."

"Do you remember at graduation when Jeff said the kiss would go viral?"

"Yeah."

"It did."

"Anyway, later, Louis, the boneheads had forgotten he was Jeff's father, said they told him they only wanted to get Jeff blotto. They weren't far from blotto themselves by then. They said they were going to take the guys to a cool club. Jeff said he, Rich and Louis would follow them in his car. Jeff 'lost' them at the first red light they drove through. He said he'd apologize to them when they had recovered enough to know who he was."

"Wow. That's almost as far from a bachelor party as I can imagine," I said.

"Oh, yeah," said Jen. "One of the Tweedles said something about it being a celebration of the wonders of bachelorhood Jeff would be leaving behind. Jeff said, 'That's funny. I see it as a celebration not having to be a bachelor anymore and starting the rest of my life with an amazing woman.'"

"Oh, my. He's still Jeff, isn't he?"