What Angela had to say to Ally at breakfast in the morning two weeks later hit her doubly hard because of the telephone call she made before coming down to breakfast in order to get through to Europe while the embassies there were still open. She already was in a melancholy and edgy mood, because, although Miranda had recognized her on a few visits—not more than half of them, though—she had not again been as demonstrative toward Ally as on that first meeting of recognition. It seemed that, having done her duty of acknowledging that Ally was back home and in need of repair herself, Miranda had drawn away from her.
The first blow came in the call to the U.S. embassy in Prague, to the Foreign Service officer Ally's colleague at the State Department had put her in contact with.
"Yes, Ms. Templeton, we did do an extensive search. If the man you're seeking, Dennis Harris, is practicing his musical profession here at all, he just isn't coming up on our radar. And we have no one by that name listed in the American expatriate community either."
This was the opposite of what Ally wanted to hear—had assumed she'd hear. Rumors were floating on where Dennis Harris had gone after a big fight with Miranda. Angela said he was living in Prague now and playing his violin with orchestras. But Ally wasn't able to find him. Angela was Miranda's best friend in the world. They frequently said they'd do anything for each other. Ally was worried that their pledge had been sorely tested.
Ally went to breakfast determined to pin Angela down on exactly where Dennis Harris was. Angela beat her to the punch though, on dropping a bombshell.
"Ally," she said as Ally entered the dining room a sat at the table. "There's been something eating at me that I've meant to tell you ever since you came back."
"Yes?" Ally asked. Here it is, Ally thought. She didn't have to pursue the "where is Dennis?" question. Angela was going to spill the beans on this under her own steam.
"I'm sure you were wondering why I was denying Miranda the comforts of my home when she's in this state. Me living here all alone in this big house—all alone when I've been your mother's closest friend for decades."
"No, I haven't, really," Ally answered, somewhat confused, because, in fact, she had given it a thought initially and then had let it slip her mind when perhaps she should have given it greater thought. It hadn't seemed more than a curiosity, but now that Angela mentioned it, it did seem significantly odd.
"Lois explained that well enough to me. Mother is used to having Lois in the house with her, and Lois is trained to work with dementia patients. This arrangement also, I know, is a way to supplement Lois' income. Lois has been with mother so long, she deserves a pension from her. Those all seem like good reasons to me for mother to be with Lois."
"Ah, well. I'm glad to know it hasn't been concerning you. I assure you that it has concerned me and that I'd like nothing better than to have Miranda here with me. But . . . but, I think perhaps for other reasons I should go ahead and explain myself on this."
"Yes, of course, if you wish."
"I will flat out and say it. We made a pact long ago, Miranda and I did, that if either of us got in a state like Miranda is in, the other would help her pass on."
The bald statement of it—the natural logic of it that somehow had totally escaped Ally—took Ally's breath away momentarily.
"You and mother made an assisted death compact?" There it was, the pledge to do anything at all for each other.
"Yes. She's the one who pushed for it, but we made it at a time when my own mother was slowly dying from a stroke and I was determined I'd never let myself linger like that. But I never thought it would come to this. I'm the elder and have always been the one with more health problems. I assumed I would be the first one to go—and I've grown to give no credence to it anyway. Unfortunately, your mother, in her lucid moments, seems to be serious about this agreement."
"You are saying she wants you to arrange for her death?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so. On that basis, I almost welcome my visits with her when she is not quite lucid enough to raise the issue with me. It's a very private matter between the two of us. As far as I know, you are the only other person who has ever been told. I think I can cope with it just by visiting with her—I usually check with Lois and don't go over on one of her more aware days. I know your mother wouldn't say anything to Lois about it, but if I were there . . ."
"If you were there and she was fully lucid, she would be after you to carry through on the agreement. And if she lived here with you, there would be more of those moments, and they possibly would be more intense."
"Yes, that's exactly right. I'm glad that you see that. So, that's why I keep her, shall we say, a bit compartmentalized and mostly there rather than here."
"And you don't think you could help her in that way?"
"I keep struggling with it, but no, not now, at least. She seems comfortable, and when she isn't lucid, she isn't worrying or depressed. So, not now, no. And if the time did come, I'm not sure I'd be up to it. And I'm afraid it's tearing me apart. I don't want her to leave life thinking that I've let her down. But I don't want to live my life knowing that I took the life of my best friend, either."
And now it will tear me apart too, Ally thought. What she said, though, was, "Yes, I understand. I'm really sorry that your relationship has come down to this perplexity."
"I'm mainly sorry that your mother has come to this point. But you know the steel she has in her back. I don't think she's going to change her mind. Especially now."
"Especially now?"