Regret?

You have the softest skin I have ever felt in my life. To this day, I can close my eyes and remember how my hands felt rough against your skin, like gliding over satin. The memory makes my fingers tingle in anticipation, my breath deepens as the memory takes over my consciousness and I can feel my heart start to ache from the knowledge that it is only a memory...and like a mirage in the hot desert it slowly fades away as I open my eyes with a feeling of sorrowful regret lumped in my throat.

I still remember the first time you smiled at me. I was standing there grinning like an idiot and I remember not being able to tear myself away from your deep brown eyes that seemed to look right into my soul. I knew right then and there I was in trouble, but I didn't care. Truthfully, I never thought anything would come of it since I was too scared to ever do anything and just chalked it up to yet another opportunity I would never take. There are days when I wish the opportunity would have never presented itself, but what is life without experiences? Though the emptiness in my heart feels like a spike, pounding deeper with every beat, I would not take away one minute of happiness or sadness since it was one more minute I spent with you.

Closing my eyes, I am once again transported to glimpses of our first touches. Touches that I convinced myself were innocent at the time, but in hindsight I can see how blinded I was by my own self denial. I can feel your hands on my hips, brushing against my thighs as you pulled yourself closer on the back of my motorcycle when I stupidly offered to take you on an outing and you shocked me by your eager acceptance of my invitation. I think I almost fell out of the chair in shock that you said yes. But still, I didn't put any stock into the situation.

When we got back to my house that afternoon and watched TV with my roommates, you sat on the couch and I sat on the floor in front of you and put my arm on the couch in front of you. You slowly ran your fingers back and forth along the length of my forearm, almost absentmindedly while you chatted away apparently unaware of the torment you were causing me with every touch. I thought I was going to die but wouldn't have moved my arm if someone was threatening to cut it off right then and there. But again, I rationalized to myself that you probably were just a touchy-feely kind of person. Yes, I am stupid. Sometimes you just need to come over and write CLUE on my forehead before I get the hint.

My memory leaps forward like skipping chapters in a book as I focus in on one of my most intense memories, every detail burned into my brain as if only a moment has passed. You had come over to help me study and brought me Indian food per my request less than an hour ago when I was on the phone jokingly asking you to come over and keep me company as I studied the night away. You should have seen the look on my face as I hung up the phone after you said you will be here soon. "Nah," I thought to myself, refusing to allow my self any hope. By the time I was done studying, it was late so I offered my couch to you for the night and you said OK. I got you a pillow and a blanket and went off to watch a movie with my roommates daughter who was visiting for the summer. I couldn't really focus on the movie since my thoughts were drawn to pictures of you sleeping on my couch.

When the movie was over, I snuck back into the living room to check on you. You looked at me with sleepy eyes and softly said "come here" and pulled me onto the couch with you. As I laid down, you wrapped your arms around me, laid your head on my chest and slid back into unconsciousness. I closed my eyes, perfectly content with the world, when I felt your hands on my stomach, gliding your fingers in slow circles, as if you were trying to put me to sleep. Needless to say it had the opposite effect. For the longest time, you kept slowing touching me, but ever so slightly inching your way up my shirt. It must have taken half an hour, but soon you were on my chest only inches away from my nipple. I know you could feel my breath get deeper and faster as I futility tried to control my reactions for fear that you might stop. Finally, you caught my already erect nipple with your fingers and teased it between your index finger and your thumb. I couldn't control my breathing anymore, especially after the 30 minute build up of anticipation of this very moment of validation. Even a stupid person like me couldn't deny the facts now. You were certainly making your intentions clear at this point. As soon as you were aware of my reaction, you pulled yourself on top of me. I took the opportunity and grabbed the back of your neck and kissed you, roughly at first, then teasingly I ran my tongue along your bottom lip before a caught it in my teeth and nibbled ever so slightly.

This is my first ever attempt at writing. Wasn't sure how it would go, if you are interested in the ending, let me know and I will finish it.