Red As Love

Edited by: Pat & Arthur

A long and bumpy road to love.

****

CHAPTER 1

It was a day I'll never forget. I had gone into my parents' bedroom to look for something. I don't remember what I was looking for, but I remember what I found.

There was a wooden box in the bottom drawer of my mother's vanity, hidden under some of her things. Inside there was a packet of letters tied with a pink ribbon.

Curiosity got the better of me and I pulled the letters out of the hiding spot and examined them. There were thirteen letters, most of them just one page. Some of them were just short notes.

As soon as I began to read, I couldn't believe my eyes. They were love letters. They were full of passion, and sentiment. And they had been written to my mother!

The letters were signed by some guy called Andy. I didn't know anyone with that name.

My mother had a lover!

I put the first letter back in the envelope and opened another.

The first lines I read shocked me: "My beloved Ginger, I wish I could have you here with me in my bed and hold you tight in my arms like I did yesterday..." and so it continued, full of romantic and passionate words, nothing too graphic, thank God. Most of the lines were bad attempts at poetry and lyrics stolen from country love songs.

I had never imagined my mother could do something like this. I began skimming through the rest of the letters, nervously opening them all.

I stood there taking in what I had just discovered; it certainly wasn't easy to learn about the existence of a lover in my mother's life.

I decided to show the letters to my dad, so I ran to the barn.

"Dad! Dad! Dad! Look! Look!"

I stopped to catch my breath and handed him the packet of letters.

"What is it, Red?"

I was named Marion Robert after Dad's favorite actor, but since I was a redhead like my mom everybody called me 'Red'. In a weird way, I ended being a combination of Dad's favorite Hollywood couple.

"Look Dad, I found these letters in Mom's drawer. They are love letters, Dad! This guy, Andy says naughty things about him and mom! Read them!"

He frowned and looked at the letters as if they were a rattlesnake. He reached for one, and read it for himself in silence. The expression in his face changed as he went on. His big hands curled into white-knuckled fists by his side, yet he spoke calmly.

"You are no longer a boy that needs to be shielded from certain facts in life. You know what these letters mean?

I gulped and moved my head up and down. "Mom is cheating on you."

My father was my best friend, my hero. He was doing his best to hide his anger and his pain behind a mask of seriousness.

Though he desired to contradict me, he truthfully could not.

"It seems so. This is my problem not yours, Red," he said. He placed the letters aside and wearily sat down on a bale of hay. "Pack some things. Make it quick. I want you out of here before your mother comes back. I'll take you to Gramps. You're going to stay there for some time till I come to fetch you."

"What about school?"

"I'll talk with your teachers after I talk with my lawyer."

"Are you going to divorce Mom?" I swallowed hard, dreading his answer.

"Yes, son, I am, and I don't want you in the middle of this mess."

I could see he was suffering but there was also pride. A couple of tears fell down his cheeks.

I have never seen my dad cry until that day.

CHAPTER 2

My grandparents definitely helped to shape me into the person I would become. They taught me many things, especially how to be a good worker, connect with the land through working it in the spring and summer, hunting in the Fall, tapping trees in the Spring, and picking strawberries in the Summer again. But most importantly, they taught me to never give up. No matter how bad things got, I had to keep pushing through and complete the task at hand.

When Dad and I reached my grandparents' place, Dad took Grandpa aside and talked with him for a long time while Grandma took me inside for a glass of milk and a piece of apple pie.

Some minutes later, Grandpa entered the house and told Grandma, "Red is staying with us for some time. John has things to sort out at home."

Grandma nodded, interrogating Gramps with her eyes.

"Later," was all he said.

During the next days, Grandma pampered me with special foods, cuddles and kisses. I had a great time with my grandparents. Somehow I managed to put the situation at home in the back of my mind. Every day when I woke up, my breakfast was already prepared; then I worked with Grandpa on the farm, and lunch was ready made when we returned. After doing some homework (Grandma made me call a classmate on the phone to know what they were doing) I was free to do whatever I wanted.

There were a lot of hushed conversations between my grandparents and over the phone. After a couple of days, there were some 'wrong calls' too.

One day we heard the distant roar of a car approaching from the main road.

"Take Red to the shed, Agatha," said Grandpa. He took his Remington Lever Action .223 and went out.

Running, Grandma and I made it to the shed, just in time, before hearing the car pull to a stop in front of the house. I peeped out the slightly ajar door.

It was my mom with some guy I'd never seen before.

"What are you doing here, Ginger?" Grandpa roared. His rifle was pointing to the ground.

"I came to see my son, Ed, please. I know he is here," pleaded my mom.

"He doesn't want to see you."

"I don't believe you." She said, anguish in her voice.

"I'm not a liar like you. Red was the one who found your love letters, you cheating slut. He doesn't want anything to do with you."

Mom gasped and took a step toward the house. "I want to see my son."

Grandpa's rifle was up in a second. "That's close enough, Ginger."

Mom stopped.

"Please, I need to explain it to him!" Mom pleaded.

"Explain what? That you spread your legs for this asshole and you threw away a good man and a good marriage?"

"He's her son! You can't keep him away from her." The man said moving towards Grandpa.

"If you take one more step I'll shoot you for trespassing, asshole. Neither of you are welcome on my land. Go away!"

Mom was crying now.

"When the divorce goes through, I'll get custody of him. You can't take my son away from me. I'll have half of the farm and the money too."

"You're dumb as a rock, Ginger. The farm and the herd are mine. John has been paying me rent all these years. He has also been paying me back some money I lent him. I never trusted you. While John was breaking his back to provide for you and Red, you were reading those stupid romantic novels or watching soap operas on the TV. You were a lousy housewife who always neglected your domestic duties. The house was always a mess and even the pigs refused to eat your cooking. All you have is your looks. When the divorce is over, you'll discover you threw away a good marriage just for a few bucks. If you want to see your son you better sign the papers you were served. Then you'll have visitation rights. John is not trying to keep you away from your son, but he'll get full custody of the boy."

"I'll take Red away from John and you! You'll never see him again." Mom yelled.

I shivered. I didn't want to be away from my dad or my grandparents.

Grandpa was right about Mom. She was always wasting her time watching those stupid soap operas on the TV. She was a terrible cook. She burned things you would not imagine it possible to burn and served others half-raw. Her only seasonings were salt and pepper. Till I was grown, I had assumed that roast beef had to be stringy, not something you sliced, but a leathery dry object which you separated with a fork, one strand from another, and dropped with a clunk upon your plate.

Grandpa laughed.

"Bring it on, Ginger. You have no job, no skills and no home. Everyone in Middletown knows what you and this asshole did to John. The only thing you'll get is some alimony till you marry this home-wrecker. Judge Anderson's father went to school with me, and his son hates cheaters more than I do."

"Look, mister. The lady just wants..." the man began to say, taking one step closer. Gramps shot at his feet making him jump.

"Last warning. One more step and you'll lose your balls. I'm not interested in anything scum like you has to say. Go back from where you came from."

The man took mom's arm and dragged her back into the car. She was crying her heart out.

Then they turned the car around and drove back to the main road.

CHAPTER 3

A couple of weeks later Dad came to fetch me and took me back home.

He looked at me and said, "Your mother signed the divorce papers, Red. It took some persuasion but she finally did it."

I had heard about divorce before, but I never thought it would happen in my family. I felt very sad. It was happening, and it was happening to me.

"Your mother moved out of the house and she's going to live in a small apartment in Middletown for a while."

I looked up at my father not knowing what to say.

"You'll have to help me around the house. I've already talked with your teachers and you'll have to stay after class to catch up with the rest of your classmates." Dad said.

I nodded again. That wasn't a problem. I was very smart. My lowest grade was a B+.

"Now, as part of the agreement, you'll have to see your mother every weekend."

I finally found my voice.

"I don't want to see her, Dad. I hate her! She hurt you! She broke our family!" My voice cracked and broke.

Dad looked at me with a very serious expression and said, "When you're older you can refuse, but till then, I'm afraid you'll have to visit her."

I was angry with my mother. Every day I yelled at a framed picture of her I had in my room. Why wasn't Dad good enough for her? Why did she choose some loser over us?

One day, I was so angry with her that I threw a pillow at her picture. It fell down to the floor and the glass shattered into pieces. It was broken like my family. I started crying.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to change things back to the way they used to be. I didn't want my parents to get divorced and I was afraid of all the feelings that were happening inside me.

As the first weekend came close, I had an idea to force my mother's hand, I'd deny her what she craved: my love, my attention. I might be forced to see her, but I wouldn't talk to her. I wouldn't even acknowledge her presence. I was going to give her the silent treatment till she caved, left that Andy guy and came back home with us.

The next weekend, Dad took me to my grandparent's house. Mom was going to fetch me there.

While I waited there, I talked with grandma about my parents' divorce. She let me say whatever I wanted, and cry, too. She was a good listener and never told me that my feelings were silly.

My mother arrived in a cab. I barely acknowledge her presence.

I just climbed into the taxi and sat there with a blank expression on my face. I didn't answer her greeting. During the short trip to town, she tried to make conversation but I ignored her attempts. I simply sat in the backseat, praying to be able to carry out my plan.

I still loved my mother, but I was deeply hurt by what she did. I focused on my anger to be able to carry on with my plan.

Finally, we arrived at a modest building that housed six apartments on each of three floors.

I looked around while Mom set some things on the table. There were no signs that her lover was living there. Only one toothbrush in the bathroom. No male clothes in the wardrobe.

"Sit down, Red. Do you want a piece of cake? It's chocolate, your favorite. I bought you a coke too," my mom chirped.

The cake smelled delicious, I was dying to eat a piece of it. She obviously hadn't baked it. I said nothing. I just looked at some place above her shoulder.

"Don't be shy, Red. You can eat all you want. Nothing has to change because I moved out."

I didn't move, even when my mouth was watering.

"Red, are you okay? Do you have a fever?" she placed the palm of her hand on my forehead. "You're not warm. Why aren't you talking?"

I took a comic book out of my backpack and started reading, ignoring her.

Mom sniffed. "This is because of what I did to your father, right? You're giving me the cold shoulder."

I wasn't sure if nodding would break the silent treatment, so I chose not to.

"You probably hate me for the terrible thing I did."

"You got that right,"

I thought.

I pretended to read. Mom sat at my side and placed a hand on my shoulder.

"I don't blame you for being angry with me, Red. I never meant to hurt you or your father."

"But you did it anyway. You hurt me, and you hurt Dad."

"What I did has nothing to do with you. This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong."

I kept my head down, biting the inside of my cheek.

"I have unfairly subjected you to the breaking of our family. Please don't feel guilty. This is not your fault."

"Of course not, it's YOURS,"

I screamed in my mind.

"No family is perfect. A family might seem perfect on the outside but there are always flaws..."

"You must know, you were the one who cheated with that Andy guy. Dad didn't do anything."

"...life is going to be as normal as I can make it under the circumstances."

"Normal? That's funny. I'm forced to spend time with you in this smelly apartment, while Dad is home alone feeling depressed. How's that normal?"

"Please Red, talk to me. Yell at me if you want to. God knows I deserve it! Just don't ignore me. It hurts."

I gulped and felt my resolution failing. I forced myself to remember the letters I had read. Each and every naughty thing that guy wrote about Mom and him.

"Dad and I are hurting too. Now, thanks to you, everybody is miserable."

She sat down and cried, hiding her face in her hands.

My own tears were falling down my cheeks.

After a while, Mom sniffed, wiped her face and went out to talk on the phone.

When she returned, she sat down at my side and told me, "Your Grandpa is coming to take you home, Red. I won't force you to be here if you don't want to. I'm sorry, son. I'm truly sorry. Maybe it's too soon. Let's take it easy. Just a couple of hours every weekend and see how it goes. When you're ready to talk about what happened, I'll be here."

I gave my mother the silent treatment two more weekends in a row. It got easier each time.

CHAPTER 4

They finally referred me to the court counselor.

"Hello, Red. I'm Mr. Erickson. Please take a seat in the chair next to me. You need to know that whatever you say here will be private, just between the two of us."

The counselor was a soft-spoken man in his late thirties with a thick head of ink black hair. I liked to see all the books in Mr. Erickson's office, and I felt safe there.

"Do you know why you are here, Red?"

"Yes, my parents got divorced and I don't want to talk to my mom."

"That's right. Did your father tell you to act like this, Red? Maybe he just suggested it?"

"What? No! Who told you that? My mom? She's lying!" I said, becoming agitated.

"Relax, Red. No one said anything about your dad. I was just checking."

"My dad didn't say anything to me! He had nothing to do with my decision. He's already suffering enough. I DON'T WANT TO TALK WITH HER! I DECIDED IT ON MY OWN! LEAVE MY DAD ALONE!" I screamed at him.

"Okay, Red. I got it. Please calm down. I believe you."

I was breathing fast and the counselor guided me to breathe in and out slowly till I was calm again.

"People get divorced for many reasons, Red. Sometimes grown-ups get married when they are very young, too young to know much about themselves or about the person they are marrying. As they get older, they learn that they are too different from each other to make a good couple. One person might want to have a very big family and live on a farm, while the other person wants to have a very small family and travel from place to place. Your mother was barely 19 years old when she got married."

"Is that the reason why my mom cheated on my dad? She could have said she wasn't happy and divorced him. She didn't have to hurt my dad by going with that man behind his back. Even a kid like me can see that."

Mr. Erickson's lips parted, smiling.

"Your mom's love for you didn't stop because she's divorcing your dad. She still loves you, Red."

"If she truly loves me she would come back home where she belongs. She left us to live with that guy."

"She can't live there anymore because your dad is divorcing her."

I twisted my mouth to the side. "I hate this. I have a lot of extra responsibilities now. I'm doing my own laundry and bagging my own lunch. I even cook dinner most nights."

"So, you are angry with your mom, and you want to hurt her because she's hurt you and your dad?"

I nodded.

"I'm very angry with my mom. I don't like the way everything changed. I'm also scared and nervous. My dad is sad, and I am sad because of what she did. I wish things could have stayed the same."

"It might seem like everything is changing, but there are many things that are staying the same. If you think about those, you won't feel as scared or nervous. Maybe you could write a list."

"I don't need a list! My mother needs to leave that guy and come back home. I'm sure Dad will forgive her if she says she's really sorry."

"Maybe your mom wasn't happy with your dad. She's sorry you're hurting, but she wanted to live a different life with another person."

"Yeah, I read the letters that guy wrote to her. I know exactly what she wanted."

Mr. Erickson sighed.

"I wish you hadn't read those letters, Red. You have too much on your plate and can't figure out everything. You bit off more than you can chew."

"My dad is a great person and a great catch. I overheard some ladies saying it at church. Why wasn't he enough for her?"

He gave me a sympathetic smile. "Only your mom can answer that. Not talking to her is not going to give you the answers your need."

"I'm not talking to her." I crossed my arms on my chest and leaned back.

"Look, if you're not ready to sit down and talk with your mother, then let's not do it now. Calmdown and wait till you're ready. In the meantime, you could write her a letter."

I thought about it and found the idea interesting.

"What do I say?" I asked.

"Whatever comes from your heart. Don't worry about your mom, she can handle it. Just be honest."

***

My stomach was twisted in knots.

I had started to write the letter to my mother many times, but I couldn't find the right words. I didn't even know how to start it.

"Dear mom?" that wasn't honest. I was mad at her.

"Mom?" Still too affectionate.

"Ginger?" Ewwww, that made me remember that letters that guy wrote to her and made me furious.

"Be honest,"

Mr. Erickson had said. I took a deep breath and wrote:

Mother,

I am angry with you.

I found the letters that guy wrote to you. I wish I had never read them, but I did. I still get sick when I remember the things he wrote to you. It seemed he was talking about someone else, but it was you. My mother.

You left us. You left Dad and me to go with that guy. You chose him over us.

You love him more than you love us. That hurts.

Do you have any idea how damaging it is for me to hear Dad sobbing at night? I cry too most nights.

You always told me not to tell lies. But you did. You lied. You cheated.

I hate you.

I don't want to be angry with you, but I can't help it. I have so much pain and suffering in my heart. It's all your fault. You did this to me, to us.