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[The following is transcribed from a collection of papers recently found in a cardboard box in the attic of an old house in rural Vermont that was once a parsonage. It is clearly an address intended to be delivered to a group known as the Sisters of Heaven and Earth, and presumably it was in fact delivered. I know of no other reference to such a group despite a diligent search. It may have been simply a local gathering of like-minded women. In any case, I print this document as found, with the following exception: I have modernized the spelling and made the use of tenses and quotation and other punctuation marks consistent throughout.]
Paper for meeting of 14 April 1873:
My dear Sisters of Heaven and Earth, Eleanora at our meeting last week said we should all write down a brief account of the most memorable moment in our lives and bring them to read. I had planned to bring a story about the first time I met my husband. But that would have been false.
It is another moment, one which I have never yet shared with anyone, which was the most memorable, and I now make it a gift to you, my chosen sisters. I do this in respect for our motto, "Truth Before All. " I also do this in respect for the private and sometimes painful revelations which several of you have shared at our meetings and which we all have vowed to keep secret in our hearts forever. And most of all I do it for the love we show each other during that very special time that ends our meetings, the Chaste Mutual Caresses.
Eight years ago, Caleb, my intended, had been to the war with the 33rd Maine Infantry as a private soldier and fought in Maryland and Virginia. At Chancellorsville he took a Rebel bullet or ball of some sort in the left thigh and was removed to Washington. By the grace of God and the efforts of our excellent physicians at the 17th Street Medical Institute and Hospital, he did not lose his leg, although he was told that walking would always be somewhat difficult and his wound would most likely pain him for some time to come.
When I read of this in his letter, I immediately sent him an absolute assurance of my unwavering affection despite his injury. In reply, he informed me to expect him home soon and promised he would visit me shortly thereafter, on the day before my birthday in the afternoon.
What a present I thought it would be to see his face! But it transpired differently. On about 3:00 p.m. that day, I was dusting nervously in the parlor, trying to calm myself, when Ruth, my sister of blood who was visiting from Portland, came in and asked me to sit down for a conversation. She sat beside me on the sofa and took my hand.
"You know," she said, "that I want truly want what is the very best for you. You know that, don't you?"
I assured her that I did, though I began to feel concerned.
"I knew nothing of men before I married Edward," she went on. "But now I certainly do. I know that men not only provide a livelihood but also give us both a family and pleasure. That is the reason for marriage."
"I know that," I said, though I confess I knew very little of the specific details.
"Then, my dearest," she said, "listen to a warning given you in all love and concern. I believe you are somewhat promised to Caleb. But he may not be the man to give you those things."
"Oh, he most certainly is! I have almost promised him!" I protested.
She touched my cheek and hushed me.
"You said 'almost.' And you must be very careful to go no further than that for now.
"Why?!" I asked, pulling away from her.
"Let me explain," she said. "Think of his injury." "Yes?"
" A bullet received at the level of the hip?"
I said I didn't understand, though I feared something ominous.
"We don't know if there was ... some other injury. Perhaps he wouldn't have said."
"Some other?"
"You remember when years ago we changed little David and little Abe's swaddling? Their male organ ... and the little sack?"
"Yes, of course," I said.
" Men have those things, too. They're different, larger ... but the same."
"And you think ...!"
"We don't know, but what if he has lost his male organ, or the sack, which is essential because it holds the seed? Or has received some internal injury that keeps his organ from standing up? Edward has a cousin in Delaware who, it is said in the family, received just such an injury."
"Is it supposed to stand up?" I asked.
"Yes," she said, "it must or ... nothing can happen."
There was a knock on the door, and when I opened it, Caleb stood before me, leaning on a smart silver-tipped cane. He looked at me with an anxious smile. I tried to embrace him, but it was awkward because of the cane.
I brought him into the parlor, where he settled himself on the sofa while Ruth went for tea. I said he looked the same as when he left, and then I knew I had said the wrong thing because that sweet face grew instantly dark.
The rest of the afternoon I was as solicitous as possible and laughed at his every attempt at wit. He stayed for dinner, his parents arriving at about 6:00 and also dining with us.
As we ate, he told us of his plans. He was thankful his father was well-to-do, so he would not suffer financially from being limited in mobility. His father had invited him to go into the cotton trade with him like his brother, or if he preferred, to live the life of a gentleman and do no more than help manage the family's finances. But Caleb then told us, as he had told his father earlier, that he wanted to be active, and they had agreed that he would respond to a calling he felt to the Gospel ministry. He had seen so much evil and violence that he felt compelled to speak against it in all its forms.
During the next month, I saw him at least every second or third day. He seemed anxious and dejected, but I could not induce him to speak of what he had experienced with his comrades, other than to say how very many of them were now dead.
Was that the full reason for his anxiety, or was there something more, I wondered. Had he guessed the thoughts that Ruth had planted in my mind? Then one day as we sat on our front porch, he asked me the question that I knew was coming—if I would consider being his wife. I said I would pray about it and let him know in a week.
I told Ruth of his proposal and asked for her advice.
"You must find out if he can do his husbandly duty in the bedroom," she said, "if you plan to give your answer in the affirmative."
"But how? Should I just ask him?"
"He may or may not tell you the whole truth," Ruth said. "Edward's cousin did not at first own up to his condition, though it is possible he didn't realize the extent of his disability until later."
I assured her Caleb would never lie, but she insisted that even Caleb himself might not know the truth if things were outwardly intact but injured internally. Her last words to me were, "I think you must be prepared to hurt him if you are to save yourself. He is a well-to-do and attractive man, and he will find someone else."
I confess her words left me greatly distraught. Hurt him or sacrifice forever my having children? The pleasure part she had spoken of—that I thought I could do without, for Caleb's sake, if it became necessary. To have him as my husband would be pleasure enough. But no children? I couldn't bear it.
I was obsessed with what Ruth had said, and I took every opportunity during that week to examine, as best I could without (heaven forbid!) Caleb's noticing, the area of his trousers around his groin for signs of his organ and sack. Once or twice I thought I detected a curious movement in that area, but it may have been my imagination. I could be certain of nothing. In truth, I had little idea of the size or exact shape of what I was looking for in those unruly folds of flannel.
I had decided on my course when the day came to give my answer. He asked to come to the house after supper, but when he arrived, I suggested we go down by the creek to a place I knew to be totally secluded. He readily agreed, and we slowly made our way through the woods to the grassy bank. When we arrived, I helped him settle himself with a minimum of discomfort from his injury.
He said a word of prayer asking for God's guidance, fidgeted a moment with some spears of grass and then said, "My love, what is your answer?"
"It's not quite that simple," I said.
And then I told him of Ruth's concern.
"I'm fine!" he said. "I'm as much a man ...!"
Then he abruptly looked away, across the creek.
