Phone Phuckery
((Buzz buzz))
"Hello?"
"Hey, what are you up to."
"Whatever I want, it's a free country. For white guys anyway." Jarred said while yawning.
"So, nothing as always." Responded Mary with a faux scold.
"Like I said, whatever I want." Jarred was, in fact, on his way to his kitchen to grab a drink after finally getting himself to clean the junk that had been building up on his desk. "What are
you
up to?"
"Just got back to my room from my last class. The professor spent the entire hour telling stories about his escapades across the globe,
again
, instead of actually teaching us anything." There was a thump as Mary collapsed on her bed.
"Isn't a life lived the greatest lesson of all?" Jarred said wistfully.
"The greatest lesson is how to not die broke and homeless." Retorted Mary, "And I need these credits in order to hopefully not do that. If I fail this class because that old fucker can't be bothered to do his job, I'll find his car and set fire to it."
"I think you're confusing lesson with circumstance, but I get what you mean." He got back to his room and sat on his own bed, putting his drink on the nightstand after taking a gulp. He didn't bother engaging on the vandalism part because he knew it would just stir her up more.
Jarred and Mary lived in entirely different states and had met on a forum about spontaneous human combustion, where their interaction consisted mostly of a heated argument about Devil's Kettle Falls and where the water was going (the argument was proven to be a moot point when someone, in an attempt to shut them both up, eventually posted an article that gave a pretty convincing explanation that did not, in fact, match either of their theories. They made a pact to never speak of it again).
What had evolved this simple online rivalry into an actual long distance friendship was that, after having a particularly bad at school, Mary blew up on Jerrod, calling him every insult that she could think of (which was quite a few). Instead of firing back or just never speaking to her again, Jerrod had actually become concerned and wanted to know what was wrong and if there was anything he could do to help. After venting her frustrations and, unbeknownst to him, crying a lot, he offered what help and support he could and told her if she ever needed to talk to someone that he would always be there for her. That was three years ago and they had talked at least once a week since then. They had still never actually met in person.
"So, got any big weekend plans?" Mary was pretty sure she knew the answer, but liked to check anyway in case some strange planetary alignment had occurred.
"Same old, same old," replied Jerrod in almost the exact tone he always did.
"I still don't understand why you don't have a girlfriend. I've seen you on video chat and pictures and your a lot nicer than a lot of the guys here at college." she kicked off her shoes and laid back down.
"Life's full of mysteries," was his only retort.
Mary harumphed at him in protest of his answer. "This isn't a mystery, it's a problem. The whole time we've known each other, not once have you mentioned seeing anyone. And we've already established that you aren't in the closet."
Jerrod was
very
much attracted to women. He had started a hobby of drawing Rule 34s that, while not professional level, were pretty damn close. Mary had seen some of them and thought they were honestly really good and pretty hot (she had never admitted that she had actually used one of Leon and Ashley to get herself off once. Or maybe twice).
"Look, maybe I'm just bad with women, okay?" They'd had this conversation a couple times before and he'd always managed to steer the topic elsewhere.
This time Mary wasn't going to let up that easily though. She was ready to finally get to the bottom of this and by Gosh & by Golly (two of the lesser known ork gods) she would fix this problem for him. "You're not bad with me and I'm a woman," she countered.
"Yeah and we have two states in between us so it's a lot less complicated."
"Oh,
I'm
not complicated? You of all people should be aware of the issues I've got." They did, in fact, know each other well enough for her to have confided the multiple diagnoses her therapist had given her after she started seeing them. Not the least of which was her Oppositional Defiance that her best friend was very much testing at the moment.
"Complex is the word I would use for you. And a complex person can have an uncomplicated relationship." Jerrod realized that he'd let her drag him in to debating again (he'd chosen to not think of them as arguments). She had a real knack for that and he was always an easy mark.
"Well this 'complex' woman wants to know what the deal is. Don't you have a crush on anyone? A cute barista or someone at work?"
"I know enough to not shit where I eat, so no, I'm not interested in anyone I work with. And you know I don't like coffee. And what about you? You aren't seeing anyone either."
"Yeah, because the last guy I dated turned out to be a real shit bag and I ended up torching all the stuff he'd left in my dorm after I found out he was cheating on me." She'd actually gotten a few extra things from his apartment before he knew what was happening to add to the pile.
"So there, we're even." It wasn't the best strategy, but it's what he came up with in the moment.
"Wha-what?! That doesn't even make sense! Look buddy, you better come clean or I'm gonna hire a hooker to come over there and take your v-card by force." He was starting to piss her off. They hadn't given her the nickname 'Bloody Mary' in high school for nothing.
"You..." Jarred caught himself just in time. He knew that if he'd said 'You wouldn't even know how to' that she would spend every waking hour figuring out a way, just to spite him, and there would be three prostitutes at his door by the end of next week. "Look, can we just drop this?"
That turned out to also be the wrong thing to say. "Oh, no! You're gonna give me a convincing answer right now. Why can't you just ask a girl out?" Mary was trying to level out her anger as much as possible using the techniques she'd been working on. "What even is your type? Let's start there."
