Perceptions

Author's Note:

Anyone that has read my stories in the Castaway universe, knows the character Tanya. She is the famous actress that James meets after his marriage blew up. It was my intention for her to just be a light-hearted fling he got involved with, as closure for Castaway pt 5. After adding several other chapters in the lives of this crew, it became apparent to me that people really didn't like the character. I never really saw her as another villain so decided that her story needed to be told. I fully understand that some still may not like her after reading this, but I hope she at least gets a fair trial before judgement...

I have tried to summarize parts from previous chapters that I thought were important enough to mention, but not to completely re-tell. Hopefully I didn't let too much fall off the cutting table. Chronologically, this story spans time periods before, during and after the castaway series. I did that intentionally but apologize in advance if it gets confusing. You don't HAVE to read the rest of that series, but they all build together so I recommend reading them.

So far:

-Castaway pt1 -- pt5

-Beach Bum

-Survival

Thank you to my editors Guinahart and Sbrooks103x, for spending their own valuable time trying to clean this up. I truly enjoy working with them, so thank you!

Disclaimers:

It's probably way too long, so if you enjoy shorter stories, you may want to pass. Also, I'm sure somewhere, a story like this one has likely already been told. If for some reason you make it to the end and still don't like it, I will gladly give you a refund. If you decide to read it, I truly hope you enjoy it!

RNebular

*****************************

California - 1990

Clarissa lay back against the slightly raised hospital bed, eyes never leaving those of her beautiful little baby girl. They were a deep azure blue, reminding her of the ocean. The little girl just stared back at Clarissa, the whole world a deep tunnel between mother and child.

"Sweetie, you and I are gonna be just fine," Clarissa said, barely a whisper.

With that, she kissed the infant on the forehead, as the baby went to sleep. She cradled the newborn with all the love that she could. She was her whole world now, especially since Glenn, her fiancé, had just abandoned her the day before. He had decided that he wasn't ready to be a father after all.

"How could I be so wrong about him?" she thought, for at least the hundredth time.

She wished her dad could be there, but it had been at least three years since she had stormed out on him. He had cheated on her mother, and after a short depressing few months, her mom succumbed to cancer. The hurt from his betrayal of her mother and the ensuing fallout had stung her badly, but had dulled with the passing of time. She longed to talk with him, but he had granted her wish to never contact her again. It hurt, more than she cared to admit, that he was no longer a part of her life. Her pride had kept her from calling him, and still she had no idea how to even begin the conversation. He was a grandfather, and she couldn't even share her beautiful baby girl with him.

Little did she know, that he was at the hospital that day, and had peeked in her room when she was asleep. She was just as surprised when the hospital administration told her that her bills had been taken care of by a charity. Clarissa had called the charity several times, but they never would say who she could thank in person, citing privacy reasons.

Before sleep finally found her, she wept for her mother, who would never see her beautiful granddaughter. She truly felt alone, more alone than she ever had before.

*****************************

Not so long ago...

"Come on, Tyler! We're gonna be late!" Tanya yelled up the stairs.

"I'm comin', I'm comin'. Quit your bitchin'," Tyler replied in an annoyed tone. "The party starts when we get there. We're the stars of the movie, doll."

For the second time that night, Tanya wondered why she was still even dating the guy. He was popular, but had almost no personality. He laughed at every one of his own jokes, and always made sure that people were listening to him. He had to be the center of attention. If it weren't for his devastatingly good looks, and better than average love-making skills, she knew she wouldn't have anything to do with him. The limousine driver closed the door after they got in, and before they had even made it a mile, Tyler was already annoying Tanya.

"You think that hottie, Melissa, will be there tonight?" he asked.

"And what if she is?" she asked in return.

He had no answer, other than a goofy smile and a wink.

'I bet she's nearly as dumb as you,' Tanya thought. 'At least she's as oxygen deprived as he is, meanwhile I think he's sucking all the air out of

this

car.'

She snorted a laugh at her own internal monologue. If Tyler heard the noise, he made no comment about it. They completed the rest of the ride mostly in silence. He tapped out a text on his phone, then laughed at the response.

"Todd said they invited the bitch, and she turned them down. What a cunt," he said.

Tanya just shook her head, again questioning her own sanity and that of her agent. She would have words with Tyrone about his manipulation of her love life in the future. It had been his idea to bring Tyler to this party, reassuring her that it was great for her image. Tyrone meant well, but she would have to remind him that his talents had boundaries.

For now, she would simply do what she always did. She would fake a smile and pose for the cameras, or in this case, the party guests. It shouldn't have surprised her an hour later when she was summoned by the host. It seemed that Tyler couldn't wait to get Tanya home, and was found screwing the co-star from his last movie. That starlet's husband didn't agree with Tyler's assumption that it was okay to have sex with her, and he'd summarily tossed Tyler down the stairs. That was after he did some damage to Tyler's balls. Tanya walked up shaking her head, as he lay on the bottom landing clutching his groin.

"Tyler, in case you hadn't figured it out yet, we're through. Don't bother coming for your shit, I'll just mail it to you."

He couldn't reply more than some grunting, as he rolled over and began crawling his way out. The commotion had some people watching, but quickly the festivities resumed. Such was the average Friday night for most of these guests. Tanya found another group of women, who were overjoyed that the star wanted to be near them. There were plenty of questions about her new single status, as well as about her latest movie.

When gossip turned to other Hollywood scandals, Tanya tuned out their voices. She moved away from the group, eventually ending up sitting at a bar stool, chatting with the caterer serving hors d'oeuvres. She found that the young woman was a bit shy, blushing and smiling a lot. Tanya remembered when she used to be like the girl, life still a big unknown, but happy.

By the time she was ready to leave, Tanya was exhausted. She never let on, but these parties were just one thing in a long list of disappointing events in her life. The ride home was quiet, and she was contemplative even after the limo left her at her door. The house was amazing, inside and out, and she barely noticed it any more. She went inside the silent house and straight for her bedroom suite, going through the kitchen on the way up and grabbing a bottle of wine.

Ten minutes later, she was soaking in a nice hot bath, the aroma of eucalyptus strongly emanating from the water. She rested her head against the back of the tub, holding her half-empty glass of wine off to the side. The sounds of Enigma could be heard from the wall speakers, surrounding her in a deep meditative ambiance.

Unfortunately, the water in the bath cooled enough to force her to get out and dry off. After drying her hair, she retreated to her huge four-poster bed, grabbing her phone as she flopped on top of the fluffy comforter. Tanya really needed to hear her best friend's voice, something to help ground her again. She took no time at all finding the number she wanted and hit the call button.

After two rings a tired voice responded, "Hello?"

"Diane, it's me," she said.

"Well, duh! I didn't think it would be someone trying to sell me a condo at nearly midnight," she responded, in her usual smart-ass way. "What can I do for you, now that I'm awake?"

"Oh god, I'm so sorry. I had no idea the time, I just needed someone to talk to."

Some ruffling could be heard, as Tanya's oldest friend slid out of her warm bed, mumbling about being owed some vacation time. "Hold on, I'm going to the kitchen." After a few footsteps, a door opening and closing, and a chair sliding on the floor, she put the phone back to her ear. "So, what made you call me this time?"

"Why is it that everything feels so fake? Am I really as fake as everyone else is around here? Is that how people see me?"

"T, what the hell are you talking about? What happened tonight to make you think that?"

"It's not just what happened tonight, Diane. This has been bothering me for a while. I feel like a phony, like everyone thinks they know me, but aside from you and Tyrone, I don't think I have any

real

friends."

"But you have more money than god, and more fame than damn near everybody. Why are you starting to have doubts now? And you still haven't told me what happened tonight, so

spill

It already!"

"I should've never listened to Tyrone. Tyler and I went to that party, over on Melrose. It's sad, but I don't remember ANYONE that was there, not even who the host was."

"And let me guess, Tyler was a jack-ass again?" questioned her friend.

"Yes, of course he was, but that really almost didn't even surprise me. I knew he was an ass. What bothered me about the whole night, was that it just seemed to be a repeat of last weekend, and the weekend before that, and so on. I talked with some people there, and the only thing that we discussed was other people's lives. For some reason, that's been bothering me a lot lately.

"I remember back when I was in high school, and I was Juliet for the spring play. That was a fun time. We were all friends and used to go out for pizza after rehearsals. We talked about a lot of things, but gossip was barely part of our conversations. I miss having real conversations."

"Okay, I get it! Your professional life is soaring, but your personal life is leaving a LOT to be desired. Sheesh, girl, I think you need a vacation."

"That's not a terrible idea. Let me think about it. In the meantime, sorry I woke you up. You're right, I do owe you, WAY more than I can ever repay."

"Uh-huh, I'll survive... After you get me that Benz I've had my eye on," Diane replied, in her sarcastic way.

"Hah!" Tanya laughed. "Thanks, Diane, for always being there for me. Love ya!" Tanya said, ending the conversation.

*****************************

She awoke to the smell of fresh coffee, and warm muffins. Edith, her part-time housekeeper and quasi-second mom, was baking again. Edith had come out of retirement, from boredom she'd said in the interview, to help around the house. She'd told the much younger woman she wanted to feel needed again.

Groaning, Tanya said a silent thank you for small miracles and got up. After showering and getting dressed for the day, she joined Edith in the kitchen, sneaking one of the muffins off the cooling rack.

"Hey, those aren't done cooling yet, young lady!" scolded the mature woman.

Tanya chuckled, mouth already full of warm banana muffin. When she finished her bite, she smiled. "Thank you! Mmmmm, they're the best when they're warm, though."

Edith was her small touch of reality, and she dearly loved the few precious minutes they spent together each day. Tanya enjoyed the older woman mothering her, even if there was no relation at all. Edith had lost her only daughter to cancer several years prior. Tanya's actual mother still lived in Nebraska, with her step-dad and younger brother Lawrence.

"Seriously though, thank you. I needed a good dose of your muffins this morning," Tanya praised.

"Anytime, dear. Say, what's gotten you so down lately?"

"Am I a good person?" Tanya asked bluntly.

The older woman was stunned for a minute, before responding calmly. "Of course, you are dear. Sweetie, you have always been so nice, I don't see how you can think you're

not

a good person..."

"But you don't see me out there," Tanya replied.

"I see more than you might think. Don't let other people think for you, and you of all people should know that you can't believe everything you hear."

"I feel like everything I do and everyone in my life, is fake. I know that comes with the territory in this town, but I look back and don't remember how I got so used to it. Recently, I've been wondering why I put up with it all. Why do I live this way? You know where I'm from, we've talked about it before. How can I reconcile that with the woman I am today?"

"Oh, honey, you're the only one that can answer that. From where I sit, you just need to remind yourself of who you are. You have a few great friends that adore you, and a family that loves you. They may not see you that often though. So, go see them more often. You could start by calling them," ordered Edith.

"Thank you, Edith. You always seem to know what to say. I just wish I could

see

them more often."

"Tanya, if it's important to you, you'll find a way," was all she said.

Later that morning, Tanya called home, and spoke with her Mom for at least an hour. It felt good to her, to reconnect with her mother, with her past. She promised to try to call more often, and to visit when she could arrange some time away.

Of course, things were never that easy in her life. Tanya had a busy schedule to keep, and was very thankful for Diane's help sorting her crazy life out. The very next day, she had to go back on set and reshoot a few scenes for her latest movie. Even on a normal day, reshooting a scene always felt like a waste of time, even if it's necessary. By the end of the day, she had completely forgotten about her conversation with Edith, and the phone call with Diane.

A full month later, she finally had a few days break from running all over the world. On her travels, she started in Paris for an advertising photo shoot. She then spent a few days in Tokyo to shoot a few cameo scenes as a professional favor. The next week saw her in New York, working with her agent, Tyrone, on a new contract offer. After all the effort, she'd decided that she didn't want to take the role. It would likely make a lot of money and rate well, but she didn't like the story. The one bright spot in her mood, was the reflection that she had the ability to turn work down. Not everyone in her profession had that luxury.

When she returned home, she had glass of wine and a bath, and then went to bed early. The next morning, she awoke to the sun shining in her windows. With nothing specific to do for a few days, she finally decided to take Edith's advice. Tanya thought about where she might go, deciding to visit her sister in Minnesota.

Tanya sent a message to Diane, letting her know she would be gone for a few days, and packed for the unplanned trip. She waved goodbye to Edith, and after a quick Uber ride to the airport, she sat in the VIP lounge until her charter flight was ready. The paparazzi was in full force, having followed her from her home. They yelled questions at her about Tyler and the breakup. There were also questions about where she was going, as she made her way to the door.

"I'm going to visit family, before I get back to being busy again," Tanya replied smiling, ignoring the questions about Tyler.

She really didn't have an opinion about the so-called journalists. She just wished they wouldn't follow her around so closely. The least she could do was try to remain civil with them, and in turn she hoped they would extend the same courtesy to her. For the most part, they did. She was considered among their profession to be one of the nicer celebrities. They still had a job to do, though.

She got into the private lounge, and sipped some iced coffee. While waiting, she remembered the conversation with Diane, and the night that she felt like her life had come into focus. She still wasn't sure she liked the woman in her reflection.

Tanya knew that she was a beautiful woman but had rarely used that to her advantage, not until after her career had taken off. She had always enjoyed acting, and luckily had gotten noticed early on. She was very lucky to have been cast in a supporting role for an action movie, and immediately grabbed the attention of many in Hollywood. After that movie, she was offered a leading role in a thriller with a famous cast and a huge budget. Her career was on an upward trajectory after that.

Along that path, she had dated a few guys but nothing serious. There were a few men that she regretted having sex with, Tyler just being the latest. The L.A. party scene had assimilated her, and she enjoyed it at first. The glamor of all the attention and money had started wearing off. Tanya struggled to remember the last time she had seen her sister Danica and her husband. It must have been at their wedding, nearly two years prior. Now she was going to be an auntie, and hadn't so much as visited once during the pregnancy.

Tanya spent two days with her sister, and loved every minute of it. She promised that she would try to do better, to stay in touch and visit. She also made her sister promise to call her when she was getting close to delivering her baby. Danica's husband, Geoff, promised to keep her posted as well. She returned to her home three days later, a very tired woman.

For the next few weeks, her focus on the most recent movie consumed her time. She still socialized, but her heart wasn't in it, not like it was back when she first moved to Hollywood. Finally, Diane convinced her to take a real vacation. Diane took care of everything, enjoying herself immensely in her scheming.

"So, the idea is that you and I go down to the market, seemingly to get some fresh vegetables. We have a stunt-double there to switch places with you and leave with me out the way we came. You, on the other hand, will put on a disguise, and sneak out in a rental car that's parked nearby."

The amazing part was that Diane said all that with a very serious look on her face. Her friend gave her a blank stare, not believing what she'd just heard.

"Um, a stunt-double? I have to wear a disguise? What am I, Ethan Hunt?" replied the stunned actress.

With a straight face, her friend continued, "Yes. Once you get to the airport, you'll turn in the rental and get on a plane. Sorry, but you'll have to fly coach to pull this off. It'll get better once you get there though."

After another silent minute, Tanya couldn't contain her mirth any longer, bursting out laughing. "Where the

hell

did you come up with that idea? You've been watching too many TV drama shows, haven't you?"

"What?" Diane asked, incredulity written on her face. "You

need

a vacation, girl! You're killing yourself, and I see it in your eyes. I know the jackals would ruin any vacation you took the normal way, so I figured this secret vacation would be perfect," she finished dramatically, even holding up the air quotes around "secret vacation."

Tanya rolled her eyes, "You can't be serious, can you? You really want me to do all that, just to sneak away for a few days?"

"Yes, I do," her friend replied, the humor gone from her voice. "I seriously worry about you. This isn't a joke, T. You used to be the happiest person I knew, so full of hope and life. Lately, I only see the girl that the rest of the world sees, The Princess. She's beautiful, but you are so much more than just a pretty face..."