Pearl Cree

Why is this woman looking at me? I don't think of myself as that interesting and it is making me nervous. She may be the most beautiful thing I have ever seen but why must she watch me. She looks interested even... I look away from her eyes nervously. Do I know her? There is something familiar...

"How are you Alex?"

"Good uh who are...?"

"Nicky... remember me?" She cuts me off.

Memories rush into my head of a cute girl wearing braces with black hair and sparkling green eyes. Nicky... yes I knew her, she had inhabited my fantasies at about grade nine, and it had been hard to concentrate in any of the classes we shared. It would have mean a lot if she had talked to me then.

I take another sip of my coffee contemplating by gone frustrations.

"Hello?"

"Oh sorry yes, yeah Nicky I haven't seen you around for..."

"...Five years? Yeah we moved away." She cuts me off again.

"How have you been?" She says tilting her head to the side slightly and smiling brightly.

I contemplate.

"Alex you aren't any more talkative."

"It would be better if I didn't think about what I was going to say?" I return as blood pumps through my face.

Nicky gets up from the clean white chair and walks to my table on the deck of a small café. As she stands I can't prevent my eyes from evaluating her and all her new curves. The years have turned her from an adorable teenager into an amazing woman, cute shapely and lean.

"So?" She goads superciliously at my cup which masks my face as I take another thoughtful sip of coffee from the bottom.

"Have you had enough time thinking?"

"Good." I reply intentionally shortly trying to bother her for putting me on the spot.

"And how have you been Nicky?" I add trying to put her on the spot instead of me.

"Not all that great" she says frowning honestly and looking concerned. A gust of cool morning air moves a few stray hairs escaping from her neat bun across her head.

"Yeah it is the same for me, nothing great these days. It is so isolated around here I almost never meet new people, it is all the same hard work." I move my cup thoughtfully.

"Where are you working?"

"...The mine." My head lowers a bit; somehow I know this answer is going to disappoint her.

"...But you are so smart." She replies kindly fulfilling my expectations exactly.

"Not really if I was so smart I would be doing better things, but what of you?" I add.

"My grandmother died that's why I came back."

Her clear round face and shining bright eyes were really starting to get to me and I looked down at the table.

"I am going to order another coffee, I'll get you one too while I am there if you like?" I said getting up and still looking at the table.

The shiny hardwood floor pops beneath my feet as I step into a short cue. Looking out the window I see Nicky in her world sitting in the sunshine. She is small and pale through the window almost elfin but for her pinkness. A short elderly, grumpy looking Italian man gets me a cup of coffee and some iced Chai. I realise at some level her choice of beverage disappoints me, was she in Oregon or California these past years? Americans I distrust, I see this as a personal weakness. My father was an American I know his family and they are good people. I may paint a whole nation for unfair trade policy and obnoxious tourists. I am self analytical it is part of my introverted nature to try to understand where my feelings begin.

"Thank you" she says receiving her beverage her soft hand brushing against mine as it is transferred. Her honest appreciation at so small an act makes me nervous.

"No worries." I reply braving a smile and trying to look at her kindly.

She stares straight at me for a moment and I look away involuntarily.

"You should smile more" she laughs.

"Why is that?" I retort.

"You have great smile."

I attempt a warning look as I try to think of another reason she would compliment me like that short of a genuine romantic interest.

"Fine don't believe me then, but you are a really good looking guy." She says bravely to her cup.

I can't help but blush I have been holding it back for a while and I look down. My mind runs over ways to return the compliment without overtly compromising myself or being cliché. There was a deep sadness in her that she was trying to drown in optimism, it attracted me in a paternal way and made my heart ach. I couldn't tell exactly why I know this and I didn't trust it entirely.

"You know years ago you were there was this girl, the most beautiful girl I had ever seen." I speak slowly trying hard not to stutter or trip over my words. She was on the verge of cutting me off but a shot a warning looked hard at her silently conveying the words "Shut up".

"Every night before bed I would vow to smile at her and tell her how pretty I thought she was. In the morning I, uh I would... forget. She went away while I was still procrastinating and I spent months regretting not saying what I, uh I wanted to. Years later I met her on a perfect day in July... I met her again and I get the opportunity to tell her that she is smart, perfect and beautiful like she always was but it is no longer true." Despite the effort the whole thing sounds silly to me and I get this drowning feeling.

The pain in her eyes as I say this burns to my heart. I realise that I am inflicting pain on her by telling her this for my own unjustified reciprocal reasons. Or maybe I want to know if she really cares.

"I..."she starts with the genesis of tears glistening in the bottom of her dark eyes, I cut her off.

"She is no longer beautiful like she was; she is much more so... you look beautiful." I feel stupid and silly hiding behind my little story. The humiliation and confusion torture me.

She sits there looking quietly at the table. We both stare at our table not daring to move or to speak.

"I am sorry" I finally have the nerve to say, getting ready to get up from the table.

"Please stay." She says seriously looking into my eyes.

"I felt the same way" she admits heavily. Trees swish in the warm breeze around us, long minutes pass and we begin to relax a bit.

"Ever have iced Chai?" she offers enthusiastically.

I silently accept her beverage by holding out my hand and surrounding the cool beverage with my fingers. I lift it slowly to my mouth and take a long sip trying hard to enjoy the creamy cool liquid as it pours past my teeth and bathes my tongue. It is spicy and refreshing, an experience to drink.

"Good?" she smiles laughing in her eyes at my obvious unfeigned pleasant surprise.

"Yeah it's good, thanks."

"My grandmother and I used to come here for this..."

"I'm sorry, she was a great person." I reply genuinely.

"You knew her?" She returns disbelieving, her eyes wider.

"I knew her, I did volunteer work in the park shortly after you left she organised the clean up. We called her Jenna she was fun to work with that was partly why I volunteered."

"...And the other part?" Nicky says apparently trying to change the subject from her grandmother.

"Volunteer work has its rewards, there are worse ways to spend an afternoon than relaxing and picking up trash in the park."

Nicky looks doubtfully at me; again there is a comfortable pause and I appreciate her being there.

"Do you have plans for this fine day?" She says smiling innocently.

"I have a little job to do sometime in the next hour or so that's why I am down here in town here actually."

"I'll be in the park reading all morning."

"Does that mean you want me come by and distract you?"

She answers deliberately as if she knew exactly what I was going to say before I even thought it and spent the time I was articulating formulating her response.

"Yeah that's what I mean."

As I step onto the sidewalk I think of the encounter in retrospect. What a disaster, I am such an idiot. I can't stop thinking about meeting Nicky in the park and at the same time I dread ever seeing her again. I think of the things I said and the more I think about it the more I feel that I am a jerk. I briskly walk up the street away from the river and turn onto a less used avenue that is so well populated with trees that it nearly looks overgrown. Five teenage girls stand in a circle, a tall oriental speaks softly and a short one with blond hair answers back "what?" sharply over and over again. I replay the whole conversation at the café several times and every time I rethink what I should have said until it sounds good to me.

Everything seems strange and unreal as though some drug has made the world sharper more colourful and louder for me all of a sudden. I automatically open a gate in a weathered white picket fence on my right and walk up to the door of a warn looking Victorian house. I pound with my fist hard on the doorframe so that I won't leave marks on the softer wood of the door and at the same time I send shockwaves through the house that the occupant would feel if she doesn't hear. I wait listening carefully for movement; I hear steps on two flights of stairs.

A stocky middle aged woman with dark grey hair answers the door sleepily.

"Good morning Alex if you had come earlier I would have still been asleep." Her voice is high pitched and she speaks with a lisp that softens her T's and makes her seem far younger than she is.

"On top of the mowing today there is something I would like you to help me with if you feel up to it."

I feel like conquering the world. "I'll do my best Liz."

"My computer isn't working very well and I would like you to have a look at it and see if there is anything you can do, of course I will pay extra."

"I'll have a look." I reply unenthusiastically, my confidence deflating. In my experience messing with computers is a sure plea for frustration and headache.

"It is 10:30." Liz says indicating politely that she is going to pay for my time starting now.

A refreshing gust of wind blows past me whispering in the grass as I step over uneven lumps of weeds and cooch grass towards a dilapidated matching garden shed that flanks the house. The sliding door leans precariously at a diagonal allowing free access to the contents of the shed. I stumble over miscellaneous hoses and garden paraphernalia and stand for a moment letting my eyes adjust to the dim light. I pick up a simple but powerful lawnmower by grabbing the deck front and back. I carry the mower over the debris and duck under the partially collapsed door, reaching back into the shed for a rag and a jerry can that are just inside next to the wall.

Liz insists that I check the oil every time I mow and I do this obediently even though I changed the oil a few mowings ago and checked it every time since. No change. I press the primer three times and pull the handle, the mower obediently starts and I adjust the throttle slightly. I trudge along pushing the mower slowly in front of me fighting it over the uneven yard stopping occasionally to let it digest a mound of cooch. One side of the yard I mow in rows, the other I mow around in ever shrinking squares just to fend off monotony. I am impatient; I think of Nicky constantly and long to sit down in some cool shade in the park. Sweating and feeling hungry I return the mower to the shed and walk into the house via the prominent veranda in the back through some ornate glass doors.

"The computer is in the corridor at the top of the stairs." Liz's childish voice rings through the dining room from the kitchen.

After taking my shoes off I walk up to the top of the stairs. I sit in a comfortable computer Chair that is adjusted to around my height and press the power switch noting that it is an ATX single position switch. I listen for the familiar BIOS POST beep and am comforted when it chimes and grey letters start filing onto the screen. Windows loads rather slowly and after the desktop appears icons start popping up endlessly next to the time on the bottom right. A few explorer windows pop up displaying graphic scenes pornography. One of the scenes show a couple standing with the woman raising her leg in such a way that the picture clearly shows her vagina with the man's abnormally large penis penetrating only as far as the head there in. I click the x to close the window.

Thoughts rush through my mind. "Has Liz seen these? Does Liz look for porn? Is that the reason for all this spy ware?" I add it all together never accepting any of the conclusions.

The next picture shows an ugly skinny teenager choking on an enormous dick. Click it is gone. The next exhibits an anime riding with a painful expression; a crude rendition of white fluids run from her pussy down the cock she is sliding down. Click. ...A pretty black woman with a disinterested white guy pounding into her doggy style. Click. A drunken looking redhead covered in cum. Click. ...A beautiful young woman with jet black hair masturbates herself with her hand while a man behind her seems to be pushing his large dick into her asshole. Cli... the bottom falls off my world and reality leaks out. The last picture is still etched in my memory even though it is gone from the screen, it was Nicky. I swallow hard feeling sick; a moment ago my day was surreal now I am on a different planet with a high fever. Blood rushes through my face and I stare up at the ceiling, my head is spinning. Weekly I try to convince myself that it was my imagination.

"Ok... back to work" I mumble audibly trying to concentrate on the task at hand after staring blankly at the screen for an indefinable length of time. I use the CTR-ALT-DEL combo and kill explorer and all the strange programmes I can identify as unnecessary. Then I restart explorer and set in the internet options to use blank as the default website, I also delete all the cookies the history and offline files. I open explorer and download an anti spy ware programme and run it. I do this all mechanically I feel like I am watching myself work. After rebooting a few times and not noticing any problems I shut the computer down satisfied and head down the stairs.

"I think that fixed it." I say weakly walking into the kitchen.

"Thanks Alex how can I prevent it from getting bogged down like that in future." Liz says smoothly without discomfort that I can tell.

"Be cautious while browsing the web." I say weakly.

"You have no idea what trouble you can find out there... by accident." I add to her floor.

"Ok that will be $20 for the lawn and $15 for the computer."

"Oh, that's not necessary. Just glad I could help." I answer typically.

"And the computer only took a few moments" I add as an afterthought.

"You were up there more than an hour."

"I spent most of the time looking at the ceiling."

"He-he you are a strange one but you will just have to settle for $35." Liz's sing song voice chides as she fills out a cheque. "I also made you some lunch; a few sandwiches and cookies don't make me feel bad by making me think you don't want them."

"Thank you." My mouth waters as I take the bag in my left hand and the cheque in my right.

I walk through the un-kept garden to the back alley while folding the cheque and tucking it into the front pocket of my jeans. The alley drops steeply down towards the river and then around a couple tight bends shaking off the last of the houses, bracken crowds it down to a trail and it heads towards the park along the river. ...As I walk battles raged within me. Anger burns at me; I was angry at Nicky for being disappointed in me, the hypocrite. Pity and fear welled up within me at the same time tying a knot in my throat. The pity was the part of me that didn't blame her but understood her desperation and whatever people had convinced her of to get her to do what they wanted. The fear was for me and what I didn't know or understand about Nicky. A rusty chain fence appears beside me letting me know that I am in the park and I realise that my heart is beating hard against my chest and my breath is choked in my throat so I decide to sit a while before pursuing her.

I concentrate on breathing for a while feeling the air rush past my upper lip and fill my lungs. Breath in, breath out relax... relax. Finally my head clears and I stand up and walk into a broad clearing with a baseball diamond on one side and a soccer field in the middle. It slowly becomes a grove of maple trees at the other end with wrought iron benches and picnic tables in the shade. I barely make out a small dark form stretched out on one of the benches and taking a deep breath I head out from under the trees into the full light of mid day across the field. As I draw nearer I see that she is lying on her back with a pillow propping her head and her legs bent at a ninety degree angle her feet tucked under the ironwork.

"You are late" she interrupts me before I even open my mouth as I approach the bench.

"How can I be late I didn't even say that I would come?"

Nicky looks up at me with a distant look in her eyes and I see that she has augmented her face with dark but expertly applied makeup and let her hair down. A strong scent of perfume blows past me with a gust of breeze. The effect would probably be considered attractive by most men, I am not most men and to me it looks like scribbling on the Mona Lisa.

"What have you done to your face?"

Her distant look focuses a flash of pain then anger.

"You sure are charming; I wonder that you are single." Her sarcasm seems only half serious.

In an effort to diffuse my comment about her makeup I lighten up a bit. "Actually I know of only one woman that would even talk to me again, I guess my charms didn't work on her."

"Maybe she just saw through you, besides three is the charm and you aren't there yet." A feisty look flashes in her green eyes and she smiles crookedly.

"I am not worrying about that too much; I think she is crazy about me." I say impulsively trying to sound arrogant.

Nicky throws her book down and stands up.

"Sounds like you want to fight." She says mischievously and tackles me taking out my underpinnings with ease and sends me tumbling down onto the grass. As I fall my lunch falls from my hand. I snag her ankle pulling her down with me into the grass I hear her giggle softly. She rolls me off her using her momentum but I launch off the ground quickly and tackle her legs and pin her gently. I laugh hard at her chest as she struggles under my strong grasp. A standing valve for sprinklers is now just within reach and I grab it turning it and letting water gush into the grass beside her head splattering her face with cold water.

"Ahhh stop it!" she screams.

I relax my grip on her shoulder. Quickly she slips out from under me while at the same time shoving me hard against the valve post soaking my head. She runs across the field towards the baseball diamond laughing hysterically; she runs with her arms tucked in and balanced like she runs often. I sprint after her and as I catch up I grab a handful of her hair and pull just hard enough for her to know I have her.

"No fair" she gasps dropping to her knees and rolling onto her back as I let go of her hair. I grab her hand to keep her from running off again.

"Cheater" she glares at me thickly; a feigned sullen look.

"

That

isn't a cheat" I gasp back, "

that

is an exploit".

Nicky's chest heaves and I watch it rise and fall in awe, she looks so alive and wonderful.

"Are you staring at my tits?" There is real indignation in her voice.

It wasn't until that moment that I actually really noticed the round, soft looking mounds on her chest.

"I was watching you breath."

"Is that interesting?"

"It was."

"Now?"

"Now I

am

staring at your tits." I say as blandly as I can.

Nicky howls with spontaneous laughter and I have no choice but to join her. Without releasing her hand I get up and help pull her to her feet. I hold her hand tightly and start walking to the bench where I dropped my food.