The mailman approached the house and Jazz (Jasmine) opened the door hurriedly thinking this could be the day. The mailman smiled wearily and muttered, "Have a nice day."
"You too," Jazz said when taking the mail, noting three bills on top of the heap. But beneath them was the long official envelop she was waiting for: notice of the dissolution of the marriage between Jasmine Eva Young and Archer Rex Young known to Jazz as Scumbag since the evening she caught Archer and her former best friend and bridesmaid Wendy in bed screaming their heads off.
Jazz opened the envelope and checked -- yes, dissolution had been granted.
"As from this day," she announced to the bed of petunias, a hand over her more than modest chest, I revert to my maiden name of Jasmine Eve Pennyfeather.
It was Friday and she went off to work very happy, returning nine hours later and stopping to look proudly at her petunias; until she'd planted them she'd not been aware she had even a light touch of 'green fingers'.
There was an horrendous screech of tires and a red something burst through the picket fence fronting Jazz's small house and slammed its front through the landscape window that looked out on to the oak tree.
Smoke appeared from under the bonnet.
Jazz rushed forward. "What can I do?" she cried helplessly.
"Pee on the fire -- save the damn car."
"I beg your pardon?"
"You heard."
"If you think I'm going to climb up there and squat you've..."
"Doesn't matter; it's almost out -- just the wiring shorting I suppose."
"How can you tell if wiring is short or long from where you are sitting and the lid is down?"
The guy in an awful striped jacket and a stupid cloth hat and goggles hitched up on top of his hat looked at her. Thank God he didn't have a mustache.
"I say, could you please pull this shard of glass from my throat?"
"Yes of course; what is a shard?"
He didn't have to tell her; she's seen it by then. An eight-inch long narrow piece of glass from the shattered window stuck from the right-hand front of his throat.
"Just pull it straight out darling. Oh my, what lovely tits. Don't twist the shard -- pull it straight out the way it went in and you won't cut an artery."
"An artery," Jazz said weakly.
"Yes little darling -- they are..."
"I know what arteries are. Shouldn't we wait for the medics?"
"No, I need to clear out before the police come and decided to breath-test me; I've had a couple or four or eight; wink-wink."
Jazz went up to him and was instructed to be careful. "Take off your panties and wrap them around the shard where you'll grip it."
She tore a big piece off her dress.
"God, you don't know how to give a guy a thrill, do you?"
She jutted forth her jaw to demonstrate she was not a woman to be trifled with but a blush flooded her face.
"Ah, virginal are we?"
She reacted firmly. "Shut up about me and tell me what to do."
"Grab it with two hands like you usually do."
"I've never had a shard..." The fiend; she turned scarlet.
"That's good darling -- now keep a steady grip and walk straight back without tripping or twisting or cutting my damn throat."
"Oh God."
"Nice tits -- allow me to squeeze them."
Jazz stepped back hastily and found he no longer had the shard in his throat. But blood poured from the hole.
"Oh God."
"It's fine, don't faint on me. If it were arterial blood it would be spurting. Give me your panties."
Jazz glared at him defiantly and handed the piece of dress she was still holding, unwinding it from the shard.
The guy in the stupid little car with no top and a folded-down windscreen bunched the fabric against the wound.
"Sorry about the damage to your house -- take me to your bed honey," he said, eyes glazing.
Bossy Miss Roberts from across the road came charging over. "What's his status?"
"Too rude to be married I should think."
"No child -- fractures, head injuries, what is your assessment?"
"I pulled this piece of glass out of his throat. He called it a shard."
"Oh God child -- in pulling it out you could have severed an artery. It should have been removed in theatre."
Jazz said well it was too late; he asked her to do it and she'd obeyed.
"Never accept what men say; it's always wrong," Miss Roberts said, pulling the man's hand away to inspect the wound. "Ohmigod girl, you were the width of a piece of paper away from cutting into the common carotid artery."
"I guess I was lucky, right?"
"Yes -- he's okay but needs four stitches and antibiotics. I'll call the paramedic service."
"No, please don't. He's drunk and doesn't want to be arrested for drunk driving."
That shocked Miss Roberts. "Good heavens girl, why are you protecting him; do you know him?"
"No -- I only met him five minutes ago."
"He should be jailed and then shot; he could have killed someone."
"But he didn't, I feel some responsibility because my window almost killed him."
"Oh darling, you are so sweet; brutes like this fiend will have a field day with you."
"Miss Roberts -- please. Take him to your medical centre and have him fixed and bill me."